Yom Kippur. Was a snippet. Oops.
At adas Israel they keep the ark open for most of concluding services, and anybody who wishes is invited to come and stand before it with a particular prayer we could use if we wish. I did that a couple years ago and was overwhelmed with . . . Something... And felt almost I need to flee.
Today at the synagogue where my mother and my mother's mother and my mother's mothers mother attended, they leave the arc open after the morning service is done and the alternative service does not start until 2:00. They try to shuffle everybody out, and they close the main doors against the sound of everybody talking outside, And there was somebody playing the piano when I came back in, after sort of trying to look into flying the book, full of readings, huge, that covered only yom Kippur. I had kind of wanted to take that with me on the bus, to be able to take pictures of the meetings that spoke to me, to be able to write about them.
I had already had tears when I paged back to uneh tane tokef (I was slow in leaving this morning and got there in time for the Torah reading, in time for avinu malkenu) and there was a reading likening fasting and reflection at the close of the gates to the time before death. My mind turned to my parents, neither of whom were I really with in that time. [ I think of Dad with Alenu, and when my voice isn't messed up I sound like Mom. Last year I was in FL for YK. Livestreamed for Dad. Regrets that I didn't livestream more services for him, that the tech was never right. ]
There was another reading, with things we fail to do to sustain ourselves. The book doesn't have "the sin we have committed against you by... " but instead other wording, of lapses, of causing harm, of putting harm into the world.
every single line of the ways we fail ourselves applied. Perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the other stuff not so much. Because that particular section was about focusing out instead of in, about distraction from goals or not having goals...
But because of how my memory works, without the pictures of the bits of the book they're mostly mist.
The rabbi spoke of how Rosh Hashana is the only holiday that starts with dark, that the moon is new. And the rest of the sermon was that from the dark one finds light. One can move to the light, seek the light, make the light. Something about Adam rubbing a stone of dark and a stone of fear together through his first night, and kindling light with them. I hope the sermons are maybe on line. Last night was about Apollo 8's commander, focused on Earth and home.
Anyway.
So I'd had some sort of Something at Adas years back, perhaps primed by the already transformative Interfusion that labor day. A strange rush of feeling. [Something similar last week at Fabrangan when for the first time I opted in to the invite to get fully to the floor when one bows during Alenu.]
At Adas there's music, but there's also people ahead of you and behind. You or your group is alone in front of the ark, but you know you are visible to that whole congregation, and mindful of not staying too too long.
I'd been out in the hall, asking about buying the book, since there was a sign saying they were available for $40. Not during the holy day, of course, and I doubt I can buy it just after the end. I'd talked with the rabbi, told him about how it was I'd come here.
The sanctuary was now mostly empty, the main doors closed against the noise of the hall, and I walked down to the bimah. I walked up the stairs and to the ark. I looked up at the multiple torahs, white with gleaming silver decorations.
I burst into tears, and only tried to remain silent.
I was there a while. There was nobody waiting for their turn. I thought on the things that I'd read before and how I've failed, asked for direction.
I backed away from the ark (one does not turn one's back on G-d) and dried the tears before leaving the bimah.
I'm out of time to write -- afternoon services started a while ago and it's a 10 min walk and at minimum I want to make sure to get there for Yizkor.
I still have no idea how to find my way.
Oh. Another thing from the readings. If one considers oneself irredeemable redemption is impossible. If one condemns oneself so much one thinks oneself a terrible person there is no impetus to improve.
It's the best explanation for "don't beat yourself up" I've ever heard.
Still thinking to take the bus home Friday rather than fly into BWI Saturday. I'm so weary. And I don't trust I'd otherwise get my Experiment application done. And there'd be a lot back to use on a further SWA ticket.
After shul ends, walk back here to the AB&B where it's hopefully okay for me to have left my stuff, then make my way to Amanda's for break-fast after orthodox ends. Then a ride to Crystal's, hang out with Crystal tomorrow, then inbound for dinner then show with Cousin and Husbandish, stay with them and then it's Friday.
This entry was originally posted at https://vvalkyri.dreamwidth.org/1712362.html. You can add to the
comments there using OpenID, or here is okay too.
Today at the synagogue where my mother and my mother's mother and my mother's mothers mother attended, they leave the arc open after the morning service is done and the alternative service does not start until 2:00. They try to shuffle everybody out, and they close the main doors against the sound of everybody talking outside, And there was somebody playing the piano when I came back in, after sort of trying to look into flying the book, full of readings, huge, that covered only yom Kippur. I had kind of wanted to take that with me on the bus, to be able to take pictures of the meetings that spoke to me, to be able to write about them.
I had already had tears when I paged back to uneh tane tokef (I was slow in leaving this morning and got there in time for the Torah reading, in time for avinu malkenu) and there was a reading likening fasting and reflection at the close of the gates to the time before death. My mind turned to my parents, neither of whom were I really with in that time. [ I think of Dad with Alenu, and when my voice isn't messed up I sound like Mom. Last year I was in FL for YK. Livestreamed for Dad. Regrets that I didn't livestream more services for him, that the tech was never right. ]
There was another reading, with things we fail to do to sustain ourselves. The book doesn't have "the sin we have committed against you by... " but instead other wording, of lapses, of causing harm, of putting harm into the world.
every single line of the ways we fail ourselves applied. Perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the other stuff not so much. Because that particular section was about focusing out instead of in, about distraction from goals or not having goals...
But because of how my memory works, without the pictures of the bits of the book they're mostly mist.
The rabbi spoke of how Rosh Hashana is the only holiday that starts with dark, that the moon is new. And the rest of the sermon was that from the dark one finds light. One can move to the light, seek the light, make the light. Something about Adam rubbing a stone of dark and a stone of fear together through his first night, and kindling light with them. I hope the sermons are maybe on line. Last night was about Apollo 8's commander, focused on Earth and home.
Anyway.
So I'd had some sort of Something at Adas years back, perhaps primed by the already transformative Interfusion that labor day. A strange rush of feeling. [Something similar last week at Fabrangan when for the first time I opted in to the invite to get fully to the floor when one bows during Alenu.]
At Adas there's music, but there's also people ahead of you and behind. You or your group is alone in front of the ark, but you know you are visible to that whole congregation, and mindful of not staying too too long.
I'd been out in the hall, asking about buying the book, since there was a sign saying they were available for $40. Not during the holy day, of course, and I doubt I can buy it just after the end. I'd talked with the rabbi, told him about how it was I'd come here.
The sanctuary was now mostly empty, the main doors closed against the noise of the hall, and I walked down to the bimah. I walked up the stairs and to the ark. I looked up at the multiple torahs, white with gleaming silver decorations.
I burst into tears, and only tried to remain silent.
I was there a while. There was nobody waiting for their turn. I thought on the things that I'd read before and how I've failed, asked for direction.
I backed away from the ark (one does not turn one's back on G-d) and dried the tears before leaving the bimah.
I'm out of time to write -- afternoon services started a while ago and it's a 10 min walk and at minimum I want to make sure to get there for Yizkor.
I still have no idea how to find my way.
Oh. Another thing from the readings. If one considers oneself irredeemable redemption is impossible. If one condemns oneself so much one thinks oneself a terrible person there is no impetus to improve.
It's the best explanation for "don't beat yourself up" I've ever heard.
Still thinking to take the bus home Friday rather than fly into BWI Saturday. I'm so weary. And I don't trust I'd otherwise get my Experiment application done. And there'd be a lot back to use on a further SWA ticket.
After shul ends, walk back here to the AB&B where it's hopefully okay for me to have left my stuff, then make my way to Amanda's for break-fast after orthodox ends. Then a ride to Crystal's, hang out with Crystal tomorrow, then inbound for dinner then show with Cousin and Husbandish, stay with them and then it's Friday.
This entry was originally posted at https://vvalkyri.dreamwidth.org/1712362.html. You can add to the
comments there using OpenID, or here is okay too.