i miss him so much :(
I can't sleep I'm gonna be up all night
thinking about my dad. I'm missing him
like crazy :( I wish there was a way
out of this life. Oh there is I hate
this word "suicide..." I hate when
people do it, I hate thinking of it,
I hate the definiton of it, and I
just hate it all together. Right now
I really have nothing to live for... I
know im just writing this cause I'm
feeling sorry for myself, but at the
time life feels so hopeless. Everything
about it. My looks, personality, my family,
none of it's good right now. The only thing
I had that I loved was school and friends and
that's all gone for two in a half months. I
also kind of miss Shayne and I'm about tired of
caring about him, he didn't even call me back or
get online and say thank you for thinking at all
about him on his birthday. Well happy fucking birthday
for next year cause I aint calling you bitch! Not that
he reads this anyways, but that makes me feel better :-/
You're probably saying "blah blah blah, this is so
boring" well im really sorry and you don't have to read
this I just think people read this and generally I know
that people ocassionaly check it and really doesn't read
about all the shit I complain about, but that's ok I guess,
I just need something to get all my feelings out and this
really helps. My dad really fucked up my life, if only he
could see what others can't ,how I still cry over him and
look at his pictures and think about him all the time. I
remember that first week when we found out he died, well
later that week I called his cell phone like 10 times just
to listen to the voice messaging system cause it had his
voice on it, I just had to soak it all up because I'll
never hear it again. I feel so bad for not making our last
conversation meaningful. And it makes me cry to think when I
went to California in summer 2001, that it was the last time I
ever got to see my dad and I never knew. I was very rude and
cranky there cause I missed everyone in Florida and it was so
different there, I was such a little brat and I wish I could
go and change everything. If I could go back I would go to
summer 2001 and just hang out with him all day and night and
talk to him for hours and tell him everything in my life that
I wished I would have told him. There is so much secrets in my
life that I kept from him fearing of what he would think of me
but I wish so bad I would have told him cause he's probably the only
person who would still love me even if I did something horrible
and everyone else hated me, I know he would be there with me and
for me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking the apartment
he lived in for many years is now empty or occupied by someone else.
If you're still reading, I'm sorry I'm being so selfish and only
focusing on my problems because I know there are other people
who have it much worse than me but I got to get this out or
something bad is gonna happen and I can't let it. I gotta get help.
Actually I'm going to see a pshycatrist (however u spell it) on
Tuesday,I feel like a fucking nut, but I promise I'm not, I just
have to work out my problems and hopefully not be depressed
anymore cause right now I am and I think I have been since my dad
died. It's just getting worse and harder to live with. I swear, If
I lose anyone else close to me, i'm gonna lose it and kill myself
no joke, it's already almost too hard to live without my dad, I
can't even imagine losing my mom, sister, or brother, or close
friend, I know sometimes I complain about all of those people
and sometimes I say mean things or hurtful things about them
but the thought of losing them makes me cry and get real scared.
Lauren you better come home safe. And I feel like shit, I made
my mom say about herself "I should kill myself, all of my kids
would be better off without me, they could have what they always
dreamed of, they wouldn't have to blame mother for all their
problems, Lauren has done it and now you, and soon it will be
Nick too" I never said it was her fault. Yes she might stress
me out sometimes which might cause me to have a problem or two
sometimes but I would never blame her for me being depressed.
So I went to her later and hugged her and told her she's
special and that I don't blame her for my problems and that
neither did Lauren, it's just a thing teens go through.
They look for comfort that they need but they can't get.
It's so true. I just want someone to talk to and cry with
and just someone who totally understands me and all my problems.
And it can't just be someone in my family, they may say they know
how I feel but really they don't. Those are just some comforting
words "I know how you feel" But I think I found someone I can
really talk to, but I feel like I'm wasting her time and I feel
bad but she has a similar problem. We talked and cried well she cried,
I actually found myself strong enough to tell her about my problem
without balling (bawling however u spell it) or whatever like I
always do. Well she is one of my best friends and she has
been for a few years and that was my big news Lauren. I guess
it doesn't seem too important but it makes
me feel a little better to know someone that's in my life almost
everyday and goes to my school, has a very similar problem. We
share the same emotional pain and damage from it. I'm just so
scared for her. I've noticed our friendship seem to slip away
this year, but it was because we both have problems that we
have been trying to hide from people and now that we told
eachother our problems, it seems our friendship is comming
back. I know this probably sounds sick, but it's not like that,
it's a mental problem and I haven't done my bad habbit since monday,
which is when I told my friend about it. Wow this entry has made
me feel a little better, It helped me to stop crying and seriously
if I had a gun I would have shot myself in the head. I really
need to stop feeling sorry for myself, it's pitiful, but yet
kinda understandable. Well if you're still reading I guess I've
kept you here long enough and i'm very sorry. It's just a life and
i'm losing control of so many things in it and I gotta find
something to grab onto or i'm not going to make it. And Lauren
if you're reading this far down, please don't tell mom about
this, if she asks me about all this shit, it's just gonna stress me
out so much more. Well I love you and I hope you're having fun
way far away with Alex. Maybe you can go find Never never land Or
whatever over ther and you can take me there and me and you can stay
young forever, so we won't have to grow up and worry about stuff and
we will never have to leave eachother and get married and pay bills and
no more college or bad boyfriends. And we can be happy without our
crazy insecurities. (however u spell that) We will wait until Nic
gets to my age or a little older and then invite him to the land
where we will never grow up. Everything is such a dream and I wanna
stay asleep forever and never wake up and face reality but I do
everyday and so does everyone else. ok like I said, I'm sorry for
keeping you if you're still reading this. I just need someone. That
I probably can spend my whole life searching for and may never find.
:(
thinking about my dad. I'm missing him
like crazy :( I wish there was a way
out of this life. Oh there is I hate
this word "suicide..." I hate when
people do it, I hate thinking of it,
I hate the definiton of it, and I
just hate it all together. Right now
I really have nothing to live for... I
know im just writing this cause I'm
feeling sorry for myself, but at the
time life feels so hopeless. Everything
about it. My looks, personality, my family,
none of it's good right now. The only thing
I had that I loved was school and friends and
that's all gone for two in a half months. I
also kind of miss Shayne and I'm about tired of
caring about him, he didn't even call me back or
get online and say thank you for thinking at all
about him on his birthday. Well happy fucking birthday
for next year cause I aint calling you bitch! Not that
he reads this anyways, but that makes me feel better :-/
You're probably saying "blah blah blah, this is so
boring" well im really sorry and you don't have to read
this I just think people read this and generally I know
that people ocassionaly check it and really doesn't read
about all the shit I complain about, but that's ok I guess,
I just need something to get all my feelings out and this
really helps. My dad really fucked up my life, if only he
could see what others can't ,how I still cry over him and
look at his pictures and think about him all the time. I
remember that first week when we found out he died, well
later that week I called his cell phone like 10 times just
to listen to the voice messaging system cause it had his
voice on it, I just had to soak it all up because I'll
never hear it again. I feel so bad for not making our last
conversation meaningful. And it makes me cry to think when I
went to California in summer 2001, that it was the last time I
ever got to see my dad and I never knew. I was very rude and
cranky there cause I missed everyone in Florida and it was so
different there, I was such a little brat and I wish I could
go and change everything. If I could go back I would go to
summer 2001 and just hang out with him all day and night and
talk to him for hours and tell him everything in my life that
I wished I would have told him. There is so much secrets in my
life that I kept from him fearing of what he would think of me
but I wish so bad I would have told him cause he's probably the only
person who would still love me even if I did something horrible
and everyone else hated me, I know he would be there with me and
for me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking the apartment
he lived in for many years is now empty or occupied by someone else.
If you're still reading, I'm sorry I'm being so selfish and only
focusing on my problems because I know there are other people
who have it much worse than me but I got to get this out or
something bad is gonna happen and I can't let it. I gotta get help.
Actually I'm going to see a pshycatrist (however u spell it) on
Tuesday,I feel like a fucking nut, but I promise I'm not, I just
have to work out my problems and hopefully not be depressed
anymore cause right now I am and I think I have been since my dad
died. It's just getting worse and harder to live with. I swear, If
I lose anyone else close to me, i'm gonna lose it and kill myself
no joke, it's already almost too hard to live without my dad, I
can't even imagine losing my mom, sister, or brother, or close
friend, I know sometimes I complain about all of those people
and sometimes I say mean things or hurtful things about them
but the thought of losing them makes me cry and get real scared.
Lauren you better come home safe. And I feel like shit, I made
my mom say about herself "I should kill myself, all of my kids
would be better off without me, they could have what they always
dreamed of, they wouldn't have to blame mother for all their
problems, Lauren has done it and now you, and soon it will be
Nick too" I never said it was her fault. Yes she might stress
me out sometimes which might cause me to have a problem or two
sometimes but I would never blame her for me being depressed.
So I went to her later and hugged her and told her she's
special and that I don't blame her for my problems and that
neither did Lauren, it's just a thing teens go through.
They look for comfort that they need but they can't get.
It's so true. I just want someone to talk to and cry with
and just someone who totally understands me and all my problems.
And it can't just be someone in my family, they may say they know
how I feel but really they don't. Those are just some comforting
words "I know how you feel" But I think I found someone I can
really talk to, but I feel like I'm wasting her time and I feel
bad but she has a similar problem. We talked and cried well she cried,
I actually found myself strong enough to tell her about my problem
without balling (bawling however u spell it) or whatever like I
always do. Well she is one of my best friends and she has
been for a few years and that was my big news Lauren. I guess
it doesn't seem too important but it makes
me feel a little better to know someone that's in my life almost
everyday and goes to my school, has a very similar problem. We
share the same emotional pain and damage from it. I'm just so
scared for her. I've noticed our friendship seem to slip away
this year, but it was because we both have problems that we
have been trying to hide from people and now that we told
eachother our problems, it seems our friendship is comming
back. I know this probably sounds sick, but it's not like that,
it's a mental problem and I haven't done my bad habbit since monday,
which is when I told my friend about it. Wow this entry has made
me feel a little better, It helped me to stop crying and seriously
if I had a gun I would have shot myself in the head. I really
need to stop feeling sorry for myself, it's pitiful, but yet
kinda understandable. Well if you're still reading I guess I've
kept you here long enough and i'm very sorry. It's just a life and
i'm losing control of so many things in it and I gotta find
something to grab onto or i'm not going to make it. And Lauren
if you're reading this far down, please don't tell mom about
this, if she asks me about all this shit, it's just gonna stress me
out so much more. Well I love you and I hope you're having fun
way far away with Alex. Maybe you can go find Never never land Or
whatever over ther and you can take me there and me and you can stay
young forever, so we won't have to grow up and worry about stuff and
we will never have to leave eachother and get married and pay bills and
no more college or bad boyfriends. And we can be happy without our
crazy insecurities. (however u spell that) We will wait until Nic
gets to my age or a little older and then invite him to the land
where we will never grow up. Everything is such a dream and I wanna
stay asleep forever and never wake up and face reality but I do
everyday and so does everyone else. ok like I said, I'm sorry for
keeping you if you're still reading this. I just need someone. That
I probably can spend my whole life searching for and may never find.
:(