Functioning Bruises (3b/?)
Gabriel sat up and grabbed another cigarette. “Well, hold onto your underwear, big boy, because what’s coming next pretty much sucks on an epic scale.”
Dean snuck another cigarette from Gabriel’s pack. “All right,” he said, “consider my loins girded.”
Gabriel chuckled. “Yeah, well...after I went into foster care, I got moved around a lot, obviously. The nice thing though is that I had one of the other boys from the cult with me. They didn’t split us up. His name’s Castiel, and actually I’d really like for you to meet him at some point. He lives in the city.”
“Sounds good. So far no epic suckage.”
“Just wait,” Gabriel said, grimly, “so, after I got my GED, I started community college. Everyone thought I was doing really well, and well, I guess I was, but it was like I was crazy.” Gabriel rubbed his head. “I was functioning on a couple hours sleep a night, and it’s like my mind was always racing, it never stopped.” He looked at Dean, guiltily. “Kind of like I was with you the other night.”
Dean squeezed Gabriel’s hand.
“Well, Cas noticed, and he told our foster parents. They took me to a psychiatrist and...” his head fell into his hands, “I can’t tell you. You’ll hate me.”
Dean brought Gabe’s hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles, gently. “That’s impossible,” he said, simply.
Gabriel took a deep breath. “I’m bipolar,” he said, slapping his hands against his knees, “there, I said it. He diagnosed me as being bipolar, and having post traumatic stress disorder, because of the sexual abuse. It’s why...why I can’t bottom, and why I freak out if you get...in that area.”
Dean smiled, sympathetically. “So, you’ll top. It’s not a big deal.”
Gabriel huffed. “I’m not stupid, Dean. I know you like to top. It was the first place your mind went when we came here for the first time.”
“I like to bottom too,” Dean said, honestly. Sure, he’d never been the exclusive bottom in a relationship, and he did generally prefer to top, but Gabriel was what was important, not sex. Gabriel shot Dean an incredulous look, and Dean shrugged. “Seriously, I like sex, it doesn’t matter to me whether I’m on top or not.”
Gabriel nodded, licking his lips nervously. “We can try in a little bit...but, if it goes badly, I want you to know that if it happens that way it’s nothing to do with you. The last guy I tried it with, well, we’d been together for a year, and I still freaked out. I had a total panic attack.”
Dean nodded. “So we’ll take it as we go, and if you’re never able to do it, I’ll stay your little bitch.”
Gabriel let out a puff of laughter. “And the...the bipolar thing?”
Dean shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand why you think that would make me hate you.”
Gabriel’s leg started jigging up and down. “You do understand that it’s not the same thing as depression, right?”
Gabriel had caught Dean there. He really didn’t know that much about it.
“Explain it to me,” he said, patiently.
Gabriel leaned back onto the couch. “It’s a chemical imbalance,” he began, “but now new studies are coming out, and doctors think that in some people it might be triggered by extreme trauma, which I guess makes sense for me. But it’s...you live in extremes. They used to call it manic depression, because people who have it go through periods of intense mania, and then sink into incredibly difficult depression.” He nodded at Dean. “When I called you, and I couldn’t stop talking, I was manic. I’d been working my way up to it all week, I could feel it, but I kind of tried to fool myself into thinking I was just super happy because of you.” He smiled weakly at Dean. “After you yelled at me -”
“I’m so sorry.”
Gabriel held up a hand. “It wasn’t your fault, you had every right to be angry. Anyway, sometimes when you’re in a manic state, something can trigger you, and you’ll swing into depression.” Gabriel looked around his apartment. “That’s why I haven’t called you back. When I get like this, I barely know how to handle myself, let alone another person.”
Dean wrapped his arms around Gabriel.
“I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me this.” He drew Gabriel in for a hug, ignoring the slightly ripe smell emanating from the other man.
“Well,” Gabriel said, pulling back a bit, “to be honest, this isn’t a typical experience for me. My condition’s been really well managed for years. I’m on medication, and I get therapy every other week for the emotional stuff but...my doctor wanted to try this new antidepressant on top of my mood stabilizer, because before I met you I’d been feeling a bit down, and he was worried it was the start of an episode.” Gabriel snorted. “Apparently sometimes even someone with bipolar disorder can just feel blue without it being a big thing. Anyway...sometimes, if you’re bipolar and you take an antidepressant when you don’t need it, it can tip you into mania, so that’s why I’ve been loopy recently. My medication’s been leveled out again, but it takes a while to settle and...” he looked at Dean, embarrassed, “I wanted to call you after I was...normal again.”
“Hey,” Dean said, taking Gabriel’s face in his hands, “you’re normal now.”
Gabriel snorted. “That’s sweet, Dean, but I’m really not.”
“Well, neither am I. Normal people are boring...or Sam.”
Gabriel laughed out loud. “Your brother is so far from normal it’s not even funny.” He looked at Dean, a question in his eyes, and Dean knew then how he had to answer it.
“I love you, Gabriel.”
Gabriel let out a strangled sob and threw himself into Dean’s lap.
“I love you too, God, I love you so much.” He kissed Dean, hard, almost bruising the other man with his lips. “Will you...” he gazed into Dean’s eyes, “will you stay with me tonight? I might not...I’m not really up for much, but I missed you and -”
“Gabriel,” Dean said, chuckling, “of course I’ll stay; I missed you too.”
Gabriel grinned.
“One condition,” Dean added, “shower.”
A/N: I apologize for throwing so much triggery stuff at you guys at once, but this is where the chapter wanted to to. The Brotherhood of Grace and Eternity is not a real cut, but a fictional one I made up for the purposes of the story. I’m sorry if anyone finds an issue with the way I describe bipolar disorder in this fic, I have done a little research, but it’s mostly written completely from my personal experience with my bipolar mother, and with my own struggles with the disorder. I hope all this angst won’t discourage people from reading! Also I'm sorry this had to be split into two, the only way I could get the formatting to behave was to copy and paste directly onto the rich text pad, which I don't usually like to do. Anyway, when I do that for some reason it can't take long entries the way HTML can.
Dean snuck another cigarette from Gabriel’s pack. “All right,” he said, “consider my loins girded.”
Gabriel chuckled. “Yeah, well...after I went into foster care, I got moved around a lot, obviously. The nice thing though is that I had one of the other boys from the cult with me. They didn’t split us up. His name’s Castiel, and actually I’d really like for you to meet him at some point. He lives in the city.”
“Sounds good. So far no epic suckage.”
“Just wait,” Gabriel said, grimly, “so, after I got my GED, I started community college. Everyone thought I was doing really well, and well, I guess I was, but it was like I was crazy.” Gabriel rubbed his head. “I was functioning on a couple hours sleep a night, and it’s like my mind was always racing, it never stopped.” He looked at Dean, guiltily. “Kind of like I was with you the other night.”
Dean squeezed Gabriel’s hand.
“Well, Cas noticed, and he told our foster parents. They took me to a psychiatrist and...” his head fell into his hands, “I can’t tell you. You’ll hate me.”
Dean brought Gabe’s hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles, gently. “That’s impossible,” he said, simply.
Gabriel took a deep breath. “I’m bipolar,” he said, slapping his hands against his knees, “there, I said it. He diagnosed me as being bipolar, and having post traumatic stress disorder, because of the sexual abuse. It’s why...why I can’t bottom, and why I freak out if you get...in that area.”
Dean smiled, sympathetically. “So, you’ll top. It’s not a big deal.”
Gabriel huffed. “I’m not stupid, Dean. I know you like to top. It was the first place your mind went when we came here for the first time.”
“I like to bottom too,” Dean said, honestly. Sure, he’d never been the exclusive bottom in a relationship, and he did generally prefer to top, but Gabriel was what was important, not sex. Gabriel shot Dean an incredulous look, and Dean shrugged. “Seriously, I like sex, it doesn’t matter to me whether I’m on top or not.”
Gabriel nodded, licking his lips nervously. “We can try in a little bit...but, if it goes badly, I want you to know that if it happens that way it’s nothing to do with you. The last guy I tried it with, well, we’d been together for a year, and I still freaked out. I had a total panic attack.”
Dean nodded. “So we’ll take it as we go, and if you’re never able to do it, I’ll stay your little bitch.”
Gabriel let out a puff of laughter. “And the...the bipolar thing?”
Dean shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand why you think that would make me hate you.”
Gabriel’s leg started jigging up and down. “You do understand that it’s not the same thing as depression, right?”
Gabriel had caught Dean there. He really didn’t know that much about it.
“Explain it to me,” he said, patiently.
Gabriel leaned back onto the couch. “It’s a chemical imbalance,” he began, “but now new studies are coming out, and doctors think that in some people it might be triggered by extreme trauma, which I guess makes sense for me. But it’s...you live in extremes. They used to call it manic depression, because people who have it go through periods of intense mania, and then sink into incredibly difficult depression.” He nodded at Dean. “When I called you, and I couldn’t stop talking, I was manic. I’d been working my way up to it all week, I could feel it, but I kind of tried to fool myself into thinking I was just super happy because of you.” He smiled weakly at Dean. “After you yelled at me -”
“I’m so sorry.”
Gabriel held up a hand. “It wasn’t your fault, you had every right to be angry. Anyway, sometimes when you’re in a manic state, something can trigger you, and you’ll swing into depression.” Gabriel looked around his apartment. “That’s why I haven’t called you back. When I get like this, I barely know how to handle myself, let alone another person.”
Dean wrapped his arms around Gabriel.
“I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me this.” He drew Gabriel in for a hug, ignoring the slightly ripe smell emanating from the other man.
“Well,” Gabriel said, pulling back a bit, “to be honest, this isn’t a typical experience for me. My condition’s been really well managed for years. I’m on medication, and I get therapy every other week for the emotional stuff but...my doctor wanted to try this new antidepressant on top of my mood stabilizer, because before I met you I’d been feeling a bit down, and he was worried it was the start of an episode.” Gabriel snorted. “Apparently sometimes even someone with bipolar disorder can just feel blue without it being a big thing. Anyway...sometimes, if you’re bipolar and you take an antidepressant when you don’t need it, it can tip you into mania, so that’s why I’ve been loopy recently. My medication’s been leveled out again, but it takes a while to settle and...” he looked at Dean, embarrassed, “I wanted to call you after I was...normal again.”
“Hey,” Dean said, taking Gabriel’s face in his hands, “you’re normal now.”
Gabriel snorted. “That’s sweet, Dean, but I’m really not.”
“Well, neither am I. Normal people are boring...or Sam.”
Gabriel laughed out loud. “Your brother is so far from normal it’s not even funny.” He looked at Dean, a question in his eyes, and Dean knew then how he had to answer it.
“I love you, Gabriel.”
Gabriel let out a strangled sob and threw himself into Dean’s lap.
“I love you too, God, I love you so much.” He kissed Dean, hard, almost bruising the other man with his lips. “Will you...” he gazed into Dean’s eyes, “will you stay with me tonight? I might not...I’m not really up for much, but I missed you and -”
“Gabriel,” Dean said, chuckling, “of course I’ll stay; I missed you too.”
Gabriel grinned.
“One condition,” Dean added, “shower.”
A/N: I apologize for throwing so much triggery stuff at you guys at once, but this is where the chapter wanted to to. The Brotherhood of Grace and Eternity is not a real cut, but a fictional one I made up for the purposes of the story. I’m sorry if anyone finds an issue with the way I describe bipolar disorder in this fic, I have done a little research, but it’s mostly written completely from my personal experience with my bipolar mother, and with my own struggles with the disorder. I hope all this angst won’t discourage people from reading! Also I'm sorry this had to be split into two, the only way I could get the formatting to behave was to copy and paste directly onto the rich text pad, which I don't usually like to do. Anyway, when I do that for some reason it can't take long entries the way HTML can.