(no subject)
these last 3 days have been the hardest days of my life. ive been in newark since i got off work on thursday. sparkys tattoo shop raised 4800 dollars for anthony. what started as a plan of 3 small tattoo designes turned in to 9 total designs and an 18 hour day of tattooing. friday was the viewing. what was supposed to be calling house from 7-9 turned out to be calling hours from 7-11. when i first got there i was strong, i was ok. i was there for my friends. i was going to go inside with dustin, one of my closest friends and anthonys best friend for the last 10+ years. i didnt make it through the door. when i saw all the people, when i saw the pain in dustins face, and when i thought about anthony just laying there, i lost it. i finally got up the guts to go inside and face what needed to be faced. thank god for my friends, thank god for anthony's friends - for our friends- otherwise i could not have done it. i stood in the line for what seemed like an hour. it very well could have been. i finally got up to the coffin. he looked so peaceful. as i gave my hugs to everyone i just cried and apologized to sean in dustin. i was supposed to be there and be strong for them, and i wasnt. not to make the focus about me, but a few people said i made them cry. to see me, someone who comes across as 'tough' or 'hard' or is always strong for my friends, just standing there weeping. i would be fine. until someone asked me if i was ok. really? am i ok? im at my friends fucking wake. hes dead. am i ok? and just looking at everyone... no on even had to say anything. looking in to anyones eyes got me.
thursday night i spent in newark. friday was the funeral. the place was packed. i thought i had got all my crying out on thursday. now it was my turn to be strong for real for my friends. didnt happen. i said my last goodbye to anthony and went outside. they held the gathering (i dont know if thats the right term) at anthonys aunt and uncles house. once again, the number of people there that showed up to support friends and family was astounding. we ate food, we drank beers, we told stories. i went with dustin to cinci to take his friend back. there were moments where i would look behind me at dustin and see tears on his face and it hurt so bad to see my friend grieving like that.
i finally headed home last night. i got a call from lauryn. her and kaity were at ravari room. i havent seen either of them in over a year! i had to go.. i met them and planned to just have a drink or two. it was exactly what i needed to see old friends and catch up. as we were standing outside smoking this girl came up to me. i know the girl from around columbus, and in the next 5 minutes i became furious. she was talking about having a bad week... her friend died and her uncle died. mind you, that 'friend' was anthony. i have never seen her out in newark, at a show, or hanging out with us when everyone was here. your friend? but what got me is that wasnt the focus! she was upset because she gave her boyfriend 2 dollars and he didnt get her a fucking drink. i even said where i had been, where i just came from, and yet she still stood there and complained about this. then had the audacity to hug me and say it was good to see me. i was fucking livid. at that point, it was on. drink drink drink. i was mad, upset, a lot of different emotions in my head. out back of ravari room we all started talking and i broke down. i broke the fuck down. maybe it was the liquor. maybe it was realizing today was it.. there is no more. theres no anthony ever again. i saw his body, i saw him one last time. hes being cremated and his ashes are being put in his snare drum that we all signed. its so final.. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i could barely see the entire car ride home. i called dave because i didnt know who else to call. i got home and crawled in to bed with mike. i cried myself to sleep with my best friend. i dont know what i would have done if i didnt have him in my life.
this week has put so many things in perspective. it has changed me in a lot of ways and grounded me more in other ways. i saw people at the viewing i hadnt seen in a very long time. i saw people that have hurt me and i forgave them all. every moment that passed in the last 3 days i remembered more and more about anthony. the times that he had my back and the times that i had his. he would have taken a bullet for his friends. a truly amazing person.
thursday night i spent in newark. friday was the funeral. the place was packed. i thought i had got all my crying out on thursday. now it was my turn to be strong for real for my friends. didnt happen. i said my last goodbye to anthony and went outside. they held the gathering (i dont know if thats the right term) at anthonys aunt and uncles house. once again, the number of people there that showed up to support friends and family was astounding. we ate food, we drank beers, we told stories. i went with dustin to cinci to take his friend back. there were moments where i would look behind me at dustin and see tears on his face and it hurt so bad to see my friend grieving like that.
i finally headed home last night. i got a call from lauryn. her and kaity were at ravari room. i havent seen either of them in over a year! i had to go.. i met them and planned to just have a drink or two. it was exactly what i needed to see old friends and catch up. as we were standing outside smoking this girl came up to me. i know the girl from around columbus, and in the next 5 minutes i became furious. she was talking about having a bad week... her friend died and her uncle died. mind you, that 'friend' was anthony. i have never seen her out in newark, at a show, or hanging out with us when everyone was here. your friend? but what got me is that wasnt the focus! she was upset because she gave her boyfriend 2 dollars and he didnt get her a fucking drink. i even said where i had been, where i just came from, and yet she still stood there and complained about this. then had the audacity to hug me and say it was good to see me. i was fucking livid. at that point, it was on. drink drink drink. i was mad, upset, a lot of different emotions in my head. out back of ravari room we all started talking and i broke down. i broke the fuck down. maybe it was the liquor. maybe it was realizing today was it.. there is no more. theres no anthony ever again. i saw his body, i saw him one last time. hes being cremated and his ashes are being put in his snare drum that we all signed. its so final.. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i could barely see the entire car ride home. i called dave because i didnt know who else to call. i got home and crawled in to bed with mike. i cried myself to sleep with my best friend. i dont know what i would have done if i didnt have him in my life.
this week has put so many things in perspective. it has changed me in a lot of ways and grounded me more in other ways. i saw people at the viewing i hadnt seen in a very long time. i saw people that have hurt me and i forgave them all. every moment that passed in the last 3 days i remembered more and more about anthony. the times that he had my back and the times that i had his. he would have taken a bullet for his friends. a truly amazing person.