jackie i miss youfdsgj
just thinking about this whole thinks makes me think of my break up with sarah. jackies nothing like sarah but i really hate that i let girls do this shit to me. im not doing good at all. and partially alot of that is my fault. she called me last night around 9 and told me she was driving down to see me. i really wanted to say no but i didnt at the same time but its not a far drive. so if she absolutely thought of being awkward she couldve left and gone home or found something else to do.
she showed up around 11 30. i really wish it wouldve been thursday because i couldve just used work as an excuse but i have a monday through friday job and she knows it. i didnt know what to say to her. seriously. i really didnt. part of me just really wanted to kiss her and say lets go to sleep and the other part of me wanted to call her a bitch and tell her to leave.
you dont know how much i hate being bipolar/manic depressive. its caused a rotten relationship with everyone whos done any negative in my life because i get so angry. i dont have any idea how i controlled it and held back from being a dick to her. she doesnt deserve it. she told me. she told me as soon as it happened.
anyway we went and got sushi and talked. she told me how she quit her job and got a part time job at starbucks in prescott valley. she told me she really enjoyed it. she said that she missed having an apartment with me that it was really lonely there.
we went for a walk afterwards at park by my house which as a pond/lake type thing. we sat there for what seemed forever and out of no where i started crying. i felt like such a fucking douche bag. she put her arms around me and she told me sorry. she fucking knew. she felt all that pain i felt. she told me she didnt know why she did what she did. she said it felt like the closure she got opened up doors because she loved him at one time and that she had mistaken a lot of shit for it all over again.
i really love this girl. ive never felt like this for anyone. not even sarah and i was with sarah for a long ass fucking time. sarah just fucked with my head for years and same with me. but it took me a long time to realize that what sarah and i had was not real what so ever. it was a jumbled mess. well... its all in here we played a lot of games with one another. how healthy. but jackies different. shes the sweetest most caring person ive ever met and this doesnt feel real. i feel like its a dream and im going to wake up very soon. im just waiting for someone to wake me or shake me or the alarm to go off. i cried so hard and it got to the point where she was crying too.
we stayed there til 5 30 just sitting there holding each other. i dont think much of anything was said after she started crying. after that we went to dennys and had some breakfast. she sat really close to me and held my hand. i let her. we went to my house afterwards. my parents werent up. not really like they can controll who i see but i know how itd pan out. shed go upstairs and my parents would ask me what the fuck i was doing and how its not good for my health. thats why i didnt really tell them i was still seeing sarah after we broke up because that wouldve cause a bunch of shit about how its just going to make me crazy and blah blah blah and they wouldve been right but i didnt want to hear it about sarah. we went upstairs and passed out. i woke to her smiling at me. and the first thing she said was... "i miss this" i smiled at her. we got up and she just threw on some clothes and said lets go get lunch. we did and we went right back to the park and she handed me a piece of paper.
"todd,
i wish i could make up for all the hurt ive caused. you were the best thing to ever walk into my life and i was blinded by the fact dustin came around and wanted to make things okay between us. i was foolish and i cant believe i couldnt see he wasnt right for me and that you were. it pains me to know that i did this to you to us because now i dont think anything will ever be the same. i cant blame you if you hate me. i needed to see you and this is why i made the trip up to see you. i know that sarah caused you much pain in your life by sticking around and playing with your mind but i wanted to give you real closure and i definitely do no intend to stick around and play games with you. the only hanging around ill be doing is the hanging around you let me do. we were together only together 5 months but i swear its been the best 5 months in my entire life. i was an idiot. i dont even know how any of this ever happened. im not that type of person and if i could take it all back and take away all that hurt i would in a heartbeat. i love you so much more than ive ever loved anybody in my life and i want to make things okay between us whether if its just being friends or actually having something again. i think about you everyday and how i wish so much to be by your side again.
i love you,
jackie xo"
i could see she wanted to say so much more in the letter but she held back. she started crying again she just kept telling me sorry. sorrysorrysorry. i held her and i told her i loved her. i told her i wanted everything to be okay and that i wanted her back. nothing was official but she ended up driving home at 7 and of course my parents lectured me on why i shouldnt see her and i lashed out on them and told them i didnt want to fucking talk to them about it.
i know theyre my parents and they care about me and my mind frame in general is a bit fucked up. but i really dont want to hear from my mom how i shouldnt be with a girl like that because my dad cheated on my mom for 6 years with his secretary. i actually have a little sister because of that AND my mom is STILL with him. so i dont want to fucking hear it. my relationship with my dad was jagged for the longest time because of all that. so i dont need it from them... but i have a lot of thinking to do. i just had to vent about it.
skfdj
i need to figure this out
its killing me.
however youd be happy to hear i havent turned to drinking once since this has happened. infact i havent been drunk since april nor have i had alcohol of any sort but i can tell you i would really like to get plastured right now but i wont be cause alcohol just makes me feel shittier and i tend to make drunk phone calls. crying drunk todd. awesome. never again.
she showed up around 11 30. i really wish it wouldve been thursday because i couldve just used work as an excuse but i have a monday through friday job and she knows it. i didnt know what to say to her. seriously. i really didnt. part of me just really wanted to kiss her and say lets go to sleep and the other part of me wanted to call her a bitch and tell her to leave.
you dont know how much i hate being bipolar/manic depressive. its caused a rotten relationship with everyone whos done any negative in my life because i get so angry. i dont have any idea how i controlled it and held back from being a dick to her. she doesnt deserve it. she told me. she told me as soon as it happened.
anyway we went and got sushi and talked. she told me how she quit her job and got a part time job at starbucks in prescott valley. she told me she really enjoyed it. she said that she missed having an apartment with me that it was really lonely there.
we went for a walk afterwards at park by my house which as a pond/lake type thing. we sat there for what seemed forever and out of no where i started crying. i felt like such a fucking douche bag. she put her arms around me and she told me sorry. she fucking knew. she felt all that pain i felt. she told me she didnt know why she did what she did. she said it felt like the closure she got opened up doors because she loved him at one time and that she had mistaken a lot of shit for it all over again.
i really love this girl. ive never felt like this for anyone. not even sarah and i was with sarah for a long ass fucking time. sarah just fucked with my head for years and same with me. but it took me a long time to realize that what sarah and i had was not real what so ever. it was a jumbled mess. well... its all in here we played a lot of games with one another. how healthy. but jackies different. shes the sweetest most caring person ive ever met and this doesnt feel real. i feel like its a dream and im going to wake up very soon. im just waiting for someone to wake me or shake me or the alarm to go off. i cried so hard and it got to the point where she was crying too.
we stayed there til 5 30 just sitting there holding each other. i dont think much of anything was said after she started crying. after that we went to dennys and had some breakfast. she sat really close to me and held my hand. i let her. we went to my house afterwards. my parents werent up. not really like they can controll who i see but i know how itd pan out. shed go upstairs and my parents would ask me what the fuck i was doing and how its not good for my health. thats why i didnt really tell them i was still seeing sarah after we broke up because that wouldve cause a bunch of shit about how its just going to make me crazy and blah blah blah and they wouldve been right but i didnt want to hear it about sarah. we went upstairs and passed out. i woke to her smiling at me. and the first thing she said was... "i miss this" i smiled at her. we got up and she just threw on some clothes and said lets go get lunch. we did and we went right back to the park and she handed me a piece of paper.
"todd,
i wish i could make up for all the hurt ive caused. you were the best thing to ever walk into my life and i was blinded by the fact dustin came around and wanted to make things okay between us. i was foolish and i cant believe i couldnt see he wasnt right for me and that you were. it pains me to know that i did this to you to us because now i dont think anything will ever be the same. i cant blame you if you hate me. i needed to see you and this is why i made the trip up to see you. i know that sarah caused you much pain in your life by sticking around and playing with your mind but i wanted to give you real closure and i definitely do no intend to stick around and play games with you. the only hanging around ill be doing is the hanging around you let me do. we were together only together 5 months but i swear its been the best 5 months in my entire life. i was an idiot. i dont even know how any of this ever happened. im not that type of person and if i could take it all back and take away all that hurt i would in a heartbeat. i love you so much more than ive ever loved anybody in my life and i want to make things okay between us whether if its just being friends or actually having something again. i think about you everyday and how i wish so much to be by your side again.
i love you,
jackie xo"
i could see she wanted to say so much more in the letter but she held back. she started crying again she just kept telling me sorry. sorrysorrysorry. i held her and i told her i loved her. i told her i wanted everything to be okay and that i wanted her back. nothing was official but she ended up driving home at 7 and of course my parents lectured me on why i shouldnt see her and i lashed out on them and told them i didnt want to fucking talk to them about it.
i know theyre my parents and they care about me and my mind frame in general is a bit fucked up. but i really dont want to hear from my mom how i shouldnt be with a girl like that because my dad cheated on my mom for 6 years with his secretary. i actually have a little sister because of that AND my mom is STILL with him. so i dont want to fucking hear it. my relationship with my dad was jagged for the longest time because of all that. so i dont need it from them... but i have a lot of thinking to do. i just had to vent about it.
skfdj
i need to figure this out
its killing me.
however youd be happy to hear i havent turned to drinking once since this has happened. infact i havent been drunk since april nor have i had alcohol of any sort but i can tell you i would really like to get plastured right now but i wont be cause alcohol just makes me feel shittier and i tend to make drunk phone calls. crying drunk todd. awesome. never again.