Sunday Afternoon
Sundays are debatable for me. I like Sundays because they are usually peaceful, calm days or when you invite family over for a dinner and hang out. Sundays can also be depressing because you know you have to go to work the next day.
Today has been very nice. I woke up when I felt like it, drank coffee, ate my favorite breakfast and now I'm at the local coffee shop. My parents are coming over later, which can be a source of anxiety, but they will have an opportunity to be entertained so hopefully it will go over well.
Oh yes they will be entertained...they will be busy. Good for them and for me, but also unfortunate for me in some ways. My mom thinks she can decorate and wants to decorate every nook and cranny of my apartment. She does have somewhat decent taste, but she's missing one major element--what the person she is decorating for wants/likes. I like contemporary/retro vintage. She likes flowers and ivy. She wants to put ivy on every shelf and have floral drapes or bed linens. ugh. I constantly have to tell her "No Mom I don't like that". She wants everything formal. I want comfy and homey.
I invited E, but I don't know if he will be coming. E has been adjusting to this new change. At first I could tell he wasn't keen on it, he was a little nervous (as I was), but it seems to be working out. I see him often (he only lives 3 min away) and I am usually always welcome in his house. Since I haven't gotten internet yet (long story) I go and use it at his house as an excuse to see him. I don't even know if E will call today, and if he doesn't I know my life will not end. Our relationship is totally awesome, don't get me wrong. I'm just a little obssessive about seeing him everyday. I know it is lack of security on my part. Not lack of security in our relationship, but more of lack of security in myself. I hate that. I don't know what to do about it. Being alone is great, but after a few hours I need someone to talk to, or just the fact that knowing someone is around (even in another room) is fine with me.
I need to learn how to be alone better. I'm great at entertaining myself to no end, but I yearn for more human interaction at home. I get tons of it at work (more that I want), but home is quiet and unstressing (usually) so that is the best time to get quality human interaction. Plus I have lots of cool crap to entertain people with (except internet). I will get it next week, hopefully.
Well if that's all I have to worry about, then I'm doing really damn well. I am blessed. I have a sweet place to live, a wonderful relationship, a few close friends (but not close in proximity, unfortunately). I need to work on making a few friends in this area. I really want to join an interest group or support group of some type. That really appeals to me.
Work is going decent. We have UIL this week. I'm scared. I have avoided thinking about it. I need to write down my plan for the week. I know the top orchestra will do fine, unless they just really fuck it all up, but the Philharmonic is still playing out of tune and not consistent in their musical styles. The 6th grade group is just playing mainly flat. How the hell that happened I don't know. We have a tuning CD and use it in every class, but wtf??? It is BORING to work on tuning. Kids get bored. I get bored. They become restless and start to act up. hmm. Maybe this week with the beginners I could break them up into groups, have 3 or 4 small groups and give the other groups a project and just work on tuning with one group at a time. I wonder if that would work. I will try it!!! Brainstorming is good. Anything will help, at least they can't get any worse--I hope!
Physically I'm great. I look great and feel good physically. Mentally is different, living with depression and anxiety really sucks sometimes, but hopefully it will get better (I'm trying lots of behavior modification and reframing). I have made great improvements in the past year. A lot of people don't know how to act around me because I'm different that what I was. The only deal that is starting to frustrate me are people at work who will periodically notice the weight I've lost. I was close to 160, which is a lot of weight for 5"1. I hid it well, a lot of people really thought I weighed a lot less, I think it's my body shape, but I weigh 118 now and some are expressing concern. One of the secretaries commented that I look "frail" and that I should be concerned over the amount of weight that I lost. I looked up my average weight for someone my height with small bones, etc and my normal weight is 108. I still have a good 10 pounds to lose (actually more) before I am going to start worrying. I feel great, sex is awesome, I feel sexier in lingerie and have more confidence wearing it (which E loves). I am more open to wearing different types of clothes than I was before (skirts and tank tops!)
Aaahh I feel better now. I had to get all of that out. Wish me luck this week...it will be good no matter what happens. The kids will feel good anyway (even if my principal doesn't-but she lied anyway). I will be happy becuase it's one step closer to being done with the school year!!!! Plus we took THREE groups which is huge for us. Whoever gets there next year is going to sink big time. Here I was working my tail off and my boss said I was doing a horrible job and I recruited 50 students. So we have to rearrange all the classes. That's a BIG DEAL!!!!! :) I AM AWESOME!!!!
Today has been very nice. I woke up when I felt like it, drank coffee, ate my favorite breakfast and now I'm at the local coffee shop. My parents are coming over later, which can be a source of anxiety, but they will have an opportunity to be entertained so hopefully it will go over well.
Oh yes they will be entertained...they will be busy. Good for them and for me, but also unfortunate for me in some ways. My mom thinks she can decorate and wants to decorate every nook and cranny of my apartment. She does have somewhat decent taste, but she's missing one major element--what the person she is decorating for wants/likes. I like contemporary/retro vintage. She likes flowers and ivy. She wants to put ivy on every shelf and have floral drapes or bed linens. ugh. I constantly have to tell her "No Mom I don't like that". She wants everything formal. I want comfy and homey.
I invited E, but I don't know if he will be coming. E has been adjusting to this new change. At first I could tell he wasn't keen on it, he was a little nervous (as I was), but it seems to be working out. I see him often (he only lives 3 min away) and I am usually always welcome in his house. Since I haven't gotten internet yet (long story) I go and use it at his house as an excuse to see him. I don't even know if E will call today, and if he doesn't I know my life will not end. Our relationship is totally awesome, don't get me wrong. I'm just a little obssessive about seeing him everyday. I know it is lack of security on my part. Not lack of security in our relationship, but more of lack of security in myself. I hate that. I don't know what to do about it. Being alone is great, but after a few hours I need someone to talk to, or just the fact that knowing someone is around (even in another room) is fine with me.
I need to learn how to be alone better. I'm great at entertaining myself to no end, but I yearn for more human interaction at home. I get tons of it at work (more that I want), but home is quiet and unstressing (usually) so that is the best time to get quality human interaction. Plus I have lots of cool crap to entertain people with (except internet). I will get it next week, hopefully.
Well if that's all I have to worry about, then I'm doing really damn well. I am blessed. I have a sweet place to live, a wonderful relationship, a few close friends (but not close in proximity, unfortunately). I need to work on making a few friends in this area. I really want to join an interest group or support group of some type. That really appeals to me.
Work is going decent. We have UIL this week. I'm scared. I have avoided thinking about it. I need to write down my plan for the week. I know the top orchestra will do fine, unless they just really fuck it all up, but the Philharmonic is still playing out of tune and not consistent in their musical styles. The 6th grade group is just playing mainly flat. How the hell that happened I don't know. We have a tuning CD and use it in every class, but wtf??? It is BORING to work on tuning. Kids get bored. I get bored. They become restless and start to act up. hmm. Maybe this week with the beginners I could break them up into groups, have 3 or 4 small groups and give the other groups a project and just work on tuning with one group at a time. I wonder if that would work. I will try it!!! Brainstorming is good. Anything will help, at least they can't get any worse--I hope!
Physically I'm great. I look great and feel good physically. Mentally is different, living with depression and anxiety really sucks sometimes, but hopefully it will get better (I'm trying lots of behavior modification and reframing). I have made great improvements in the past year. A lot of people don't know how to act around me because I'm different that what I was. The only deal that is starting to frustrate me are people at work who will periodically notice the weight I've lost. I was close to 160, which is a lot of weight for 5"1. I hid it well, a lot of people really thought I weighed a lot less, I think it's my body shape, but I weigh 118 now and some are expressing concern. One of the secretaries commented that I look "frail" and that I should be concerned over the amount of weight that I lost. I looked up my average weight for someone my height with small bones, etc and my normal weight is 108. I still have a good 10 pounds to lose (actually more) before I am going to start worrying. I feel great, sex is awesome, I feel sexier in lingerie and have more confidence wearing it (which E loves). I am more open to wearing different types of clothes than I was before (skirts and tank tops!)
Aaahh I feel better now. I had to get all of that out. Wish me luck this week...it will be good no matter what happens. The kids will feel good anyway (even if my principal doesn't-but she lied anyway). I will be happy becuase it's one step closer to being done with the school year!!!! Plus we took THREE groups which is huge for us. Whoever gets there next year is going to sink big time. Here I was working my tail off and my boss said I was doing a horrible job and I recruited 50 students. So we have to rearrange all the classes. That's a BIG DEAL!!!!! :) I AM AWESOME!!!!