No Steps To Recovery (mission_insane - Table #10, Prompt #1: feet)
Title: No Steps To Recovery
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Benjamin Linus, John Locke, Richard Alpert, mentions of Jacob
Prompt: Table #10, Prompt #1 (feet) // March 9, 2010 (desire was born early, as was regret) // Prompt #2 (we all fall down)
Word Count: 1320
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Mentions of death, violence, and blood.
Summary: Ben never thought he'd use a wheelchair before.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
No Steps To Recovery
Ben never thought he'd use a wheelchair before. He doesn't have to now, but because he can't abandon the island for even a day, he accepts his temporary disposition and takes a deep breath and tells Richard he's ready to go outside.
The world had been waiting for him. It seemed as if Ben had not only lost the use of his legs but his ability to perceive the world in a way that put himself at the top. The sky loomed above him, dark though it was day, and the island's mountains and forests seemed to be closing in on him. Despite this, Ben was not afraid--until he realized that John Locke had also been waiting for him. Ben was convinced that somehow, John knew. And John, he just had to see and that look of disbelief that turns into an unnerving smirk proves it. It proves it all.
"Richard," Ben says harshly, "go."
"Where should we--"
"Anywhere, Richard. Just go anywhere."
Richard obeys and turns away from John, thinking that this wouldn't be the last time.
*
Ben grows accustomed to moving around on his own. He doesn't need Richard to push him around his own house or outside anymore. And now that he's on his own, he's refusing to show himself during the day unless he absolutely has to.
But, as fate would have it, John Locke just comes to him.
And John, he says, "I don't see Richard around anywhere. Need any help, Ben? I think I can get you anywhere you want to go."
"No, John. Thanks for the offer, but I don't need any help," Ben replies, his voice cold, unfeeling. He looks around, sees children running and laughing and dancing their way through life while the workers struggle to finish their jobs as quickly as they can. No one sees a man looking down upon their leader and suspects the insecurity, the tension emanating in the air.
"Well, if you say so, Ben. But it can get tiring sometimes, using that wheelchair, so if you ever need me, I'm here," John says, still smiling.
"I'll be sure to go to you first," he says in the calmest voice he can manage, though he can hear the sarcasm in his voice and he knows John can, too. And then he turns and leaves, not allowing John to have the last word.
Ben doesn't need this. He's not usually the type of person to hide, but he had cancer (and might as well still have it, he thinks), which means he's being punished and he's being informed that he's not considered special anymore and John is finding his way to the heart of the island, the heart of Jacob instead of him and--
He just doesn't need this.
*
"Richard, I want you to take over for a while."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll tell you what to say, what to do, and you can do anything Jacob needs me to do. Just for a while, Richard."
"I don't understand why--"
"Because I need time to think about what needs to be done."
"You're giving him what he wants, you know."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"John. You're giving John what he wants by letting this wheelchair thing get to you."
"Does this mean you're going to disobey, Richard?"
"Of course not. I'll do anything, because apparently, you need the pity."
Silence.
*
"I never thought I'd see the day where an island healed me and gave my wheelchair away to someone else."
"I thought that maybe you'd be a little less enthusiastic to see it again."
"Why not? I'm not the one who has to use it anymore. And when I did have to use it, I didn't deserve it, but Ben does. It's about time that Ben's realized he's not as powerful as he thinks he is."
"You seem to think that the wheelchair always has to be somewhere. It has to go to someone who deserves it here, right? Well, John, someone's always going to deserve it, and Ben's not going to need it forever."
"And just what are you implying here, Richard?"
"I'm saying that you shouldn't get used to the idea of you being free and seeing Ben in a wheelchair. Because when Ben's done with it, it can go to someone you love. It can even come back to you."
Silence.
*
The next time John Locke confronts Ben, Ben's not listening to the constant taunts.
"Have you started dreaming about it all, yet? About how you think your legs have disappeared completely, and you lose all hope of ever having them recover?"
Ben, he's thinking of guns of any size or shape, as long as it gets the job done. Guns that anticipate his fingers curling around the handle, one gliding to the trigger without trembling, and pulling it with all the force it can. Guns that will have this man before him crawling at his feet.
"I used to wake up several times in the night because of things like that." John laughs. "It's not anything to look forward to, I know."
Ben, he's imagining a knife in his hand. He's imagining him twirling it around in his hand as he scrutinizes the heavenly object, as he prepares to see the sharp contrast of (tainted) blood against the smooth, clean blade. And for this man currently towering above him, he's imagining twisting and falling and please, please.
"But don't worry about it when it comes around. It gets better. Kind of. I promise," John says, smiling crookedly.
And John, he just turns his back and walks away, unconcerned, unafraid.
Only the dead don't show how afraid they are, Ben knows, and he can't help but smile, too.
(But then he remembers: he doesn't think he's scared, either.)
*
Ben tries to walk again, but he tries too soon.
(Richard warns him that he's risking his health by doing this, but he doesn't care.)
The first time he tries, he doesn't accomplish anything. The second time he tries, he can take one step, and the amount of steps he can take increases as the days slowly pass for him. And after what seems like an eternity, he can finally say that he's capable of walking to the bathroom on his own, to his bed, to someone else's home if needed, but he is never able to move to all of these places in one day or within a short period of time, so he makes an attempt to save the use of his legs for the most important task of the day (and some days, he doesn't move at all, because there is no need for a disabled man like him, he's realizing).
John watches this slow progression, feels that everything is going downhill fast. He stares in disbelief (and perhaps with horror) when he can, and he shakes his head and chuckles nervously when he's caught.
*
Don't look, now.
These man, once so strong and so proud, are collapsed over the idea of just being.
*
"This happiness isn't going to last forever, is it, Richard?" John asks once, standing in the shadows.
"This world isn't for me, is it, Richard?" Ben asks once, in the dead of night.
This time, Richard doesn't even bother saying anything at all.
*
Eventually, finally, Ben doesn't need the wheelchair anymore, and suddenly, he thinks he's free again. He thinks he's ready to get revenge on the one person who's slowly taking everything away from him. John, he suddenly thinks he's safe, and that he can still believe in fate and faith and Jacob and the island and the healing of his legs. And they both suddenly think that they're in control of the world that conspired against them while they were so vulnerable.
But--
"We all fall down again sooner or later," Richard says, and no one is around to hear--again.
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Benjamin Linus, John Locke, Richard Alpert, mentions of Jacob
Prompt: Table #10, Prompt #1 (feet) // March 9, 2010 (desire was born early, as was regret) // Prompt #2 (we all fall down)
Word Count: 1320
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Mentions of death, violence, and blood.
Summary: Ben never thought he'd use a wheelchair before.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
No Steps To Recovery
Ben never thought he'd use a wheelchair before. He doesn't have to now, but because he can't abandon the island for even a day, he accepts his temporary disposition and takes a deep breath and tells Richard he's ready to go outside.
The world had been waiting for him. It seemed as if Ben had not only lost the use of his legs but his ability to perceive the world in a way that put himself at the top. The sky loomed above him, dark though it was day, and the island's mountains and forests seemed to be closing in on him. Despite this, Ben was not afraid--until he realized that John Locke had also been waiting for him. Ben was convinced that somehow, John knew. And John, he just had to see and that look of disbelief that turns into an unnerving smirk proves it. It proves it all.
"Richard," Ben says harshly, "go."
"Where should we--"
"Anywhere, Richard. Just go anywhere."
Richard obeys and turns away from John, thinking that this wouldn't be the last time.
*
Ben grows accustomed to moving around on his own. He doesn't need Richard to push him around his own house or outside anymore. And now that he's on his own, he's refusing to show himself during the day unless he absolutely has to.
But, as fate would have it, John Locke just comes to him.
And John, he says, "I don't see Richard around anywhere. Need any help, Ben? I think I can get you anywhere you want to go."
"No, John. Thanks for the offer, but I don't need any help," Ben replies, his voice cold, unfeeling. He looks around, sees children running and laughing and dancing their way through life while the workers struggle to finish their jobs as quickly as they can. No one sees a man looking down upon their leader and suspects the insecurity, the tension emanating in the air.
"Well, if you say so, Ben. But it can get tiring sometimes, using that wheelchair, so if you ever need me, I'm here," John says, still smiling.
"I'll be sure to go to you first," he says in the calmest voice he can manage, though he can hear the sarcasm in his voice and he knows John can, too. And then he turns and leaves, not allowing John to have the last word.
Ben doesn't need this. He's not usually the type of person to hide, but he had cancer (and might as well still have it, he thinks), which means he's being punished and he's being informed that he's not considered special anymore and John is finding his way to the heart of the island, the heart of Jacob instead of him and--
He just doesn't need this.
*
"Richard, I want you to take over for a while."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'll tell you what to say, what to do, and you can do anything Jacob needs me to do. Just for a while, Richard."
"I don't understand why--"
"Because I need time to think about what needs to be done."
"You're giving him what he wants, you know."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"John. You're giving John what he wants by letting this wheelchair thing get to you."
"Does this mean you're going to disobey, Richard?"
"Of course not. I'll do anything, because apparently, you need the pity."
Silence.
*
"I never thought I'd see the day where an island healed me and gave my wheelchair away to someone else."
"I thought that maybe you'd be a little less enthusiastic to see it again."
"Why not? I'm not the one who has to use it anymore. And when I did have to use it, I didn't deserve it, but Ben does. It's about time that Ben's realized he's not as powerful as he thinks he is."
"You seem to think that the wheelchair always has to be somewhere. It has to go to someone who deserves it here, right? Well, John, someone's always going to deserve it, and Ben's not going to need it forever."
"And just what are you implying here, Richard?"
"I'm saying that you shouldn't get used to the idea of you being free and seeing Ben in a wheelchair. Because when Ben's done with it, it can go to someone you love. It can even come back to you."
Silence.
*
The next time John Locke confronts Ben, Ben's not listening to the constant taunts.
"Have you started dreaming about it all, yet? About how you think your legs have disappeared completely, and you lose all hope of ever having them recover?"
Ben, he's thinking of guns of any size or shape, as long as it gets the job done. Guns that anticipate his fingers curling around the handle, one gliding to the trigger without trembling, and pulling it with all the force it can. Guns that will have this man before him crawling at his feet.
"I used to wake up several times in the night because of things like that." John laughs. "It's not anything to look forward to, I know."
Ben, he's imagining a knife in his hand. He's imagining him twirling it around in his hand as he scrutinizes the heavenly object, as he prepares to see the sharp contrast of (tainted) blood against the smooth, clean blade. And for this man currently towering above him, he's imagining twisting and falling and please, please.
"But don't worry about it when it comes around. It gets better. Kind of. I promise," John says, smiling crookedly.
And John, he just turns his back and walks away, unconcerned, unafraid.
Only the dead don't show how afraid they are, Ben knows, and he can't help but smile, too.
(But then he remembers: he doesn't think he's scared, either.)
*
Ben tries to walk again, but he tries too soon.
(Richard warns him that he's risking his health by doing this, but he doesn't care.)
The first time he tries, he doesn't accomplish anything. The second time he tries, he can take one step, and the amount of steps he can take increases as the days slowly pass for him. And after what seems like an eternity, he can finally say that he's capable of walking to the bathroom on his own, to his bed, to someone else's home if needed, but he is never able to move to all of these places in one day or within a short period of time, so he makes an attempt to save the use of his legs for the most important task of the day (and some days, he doesn't move at all, because there is no need for a disabled man like him, he's realizing).
John watches this slow progression, feels that everything is going downhill fast. He stares in disbelief (and perhaps with horror) when he can, and he shakes his head and chuckles nervously when he's caught.
*
Don't look, now.
These man, once so strong and so proud, are collapsed over the idea of just being.
*
"This happiness isn't going to last forever, is it, Richard?" John asks once, standing in the shadows.
"This world isn't for me, is it, Richard?" Ben asks once, in the dead of night.
This time, Richard doesn't even bother saying anything at all.
*
Eventually, finally, Ben doesn't need the wheelchair anymore, and suddenly, he thinks he's free again. He thinks he's ready to get revenge on the one person who's slowly taking everything away from him. John, he suddenly thinks he's safe, and that he can still believe in fate and faith and Jacob and the island and the healing of his legs. And they both suddenly think that they're in control of the world that conspired against them while they were so vulnerable.
But--
"We all fall down again sooner or later," Richard says, and no one is around to hear--again.