Dark World Burden (100moods - Prompt #91: Stressed)
Title: Dark World Burden
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Jacob x Richard Alpert, mentions of Esau
Prompt: #91 (Stressed)
Word Count: 2040
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Mentions of death and violence.
Summary: Richard follows the man, learns his name is Jacob.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
A/N: Don't know why I'm writing about Richard's past when the truth is going to be revealed soon. XP Consider this AU already.
Dark World Burden
The light is blinding when he first wakes. The sky is smiling down on him and the waves from the ocean are ready to greet him after preparing for so long.
Most would feel blessed. Most don't wake to see the light. Most don't feel like they belong here.
But he doesn't feel blessed. He just feels light-headed. Heavy. Confused.
*
It's hard to move his legs and his arms and it's hard to lift his head up, but he does it. He doesn't remember if he's ever done it before, doesn't remember where he learned how to do this. But he does it. He stands, but he doesn't go anywhere else, because nothing around him looks familiar and the blinding sun isn't shedding light on the path he somehow knows he's supposed to take.
And suddenly, without thinking, he turns his head to the right. And he's confused for a moment, again, before he sees there's someone walking toward him.
His muscles relax and his body doesn't feel so heavy anymore. He thinks that he'll finally have his questions answered.
*
The man who walks toward him only raises more questions.
"Your name is Richard Alpert," the man says.
And he, Richard, somehow knows what a name is, but he doesn't know the man's name nor can he recall anyone else's. So he just nods his head, doesn't say anything.
"You've been--in the dark," this man says. He moves closer, extends his arms and touches Richard's lightly, as if he doesn't believe what he's seeing is real. And then he confirms Richard's existence by grabbing his arm and holding on tightly and not letting go. "For so long, you've been in the dark."
Richard releases himself from the grip and takes a step back, almost stumbles in the sand because he's not used to moving, especially not so quickly and nervously.
The man's arm is still extended as he says, "You don't need to be afraid. I just--wanted to see something."
And words come out of Richard's mouth like they have a million times before--"See what?"--and his eyes open wide at how familiar yet foreign his own voice is.
The man laughs. And then his expression swiftly turns serious, and he pauses before saying, "I just came here to see if you looked the same after all these years. And to see what you might look like in a hundred more years or so. Maybe more."
And then he walks away, leaving Richard behind.
*
Richard doesn't remember the dark.
All he knows: it's the opposite of light, and he'd rather be there than anywhere if it meant he wouldn't have to be haunted by the earth that knows he doesn't belong there.
*
Richard follows the man, learns his name is Jacob.
He notices that the name escapes from his tongue so easily, and there's even a hint of admiration in his voice when he says it. As if he owes something to this man who left him alone and confused. As if there's any reason to care for someone who still makes him feel like he's in the dark.
But Jacob is all Richard has and it feels right, so he follows.
And Jacob, he says, "You're going to be here forever."
Richard's heart stops. He understands the concept of forever, and he understands that the promise Jacob is making could be empty. He understands that maybe he wants the promies to be empty, because he doesn't want to be here. He understands that Jacob could just be saying this to make him feel safe and secure on this island surrounded by calm ocean water and the sun that always rises and sets when it's supposed to.
"You're special, Richard. Because of that, you're going to live on this island with me forever."
Richard hopes the saying is true, that nothing lasts forever. He doesn't want to live with his questions forever, doesn't want to wonder what his life had been like before and during his time in the dark, or what's going to become of it. He doesn't want Jacob to deal with his lack of identity and knowledge about--everything.
*
Forever starts with Jacob taking Richard to his home, a cabin in the middle of the forest which is partly hidden in shadows and partly adored by the sun.
"Is this the dark?" Richard dares to ask.
"No," Jacob replies. "The dark is far away. I won't take you back there."
"Why not?" The thought of belonging to the darkness again sounds comfortable in his puzzled mind, but there's still some relief in his voice.
"Evil lies there. I saved you from it once, and I don't... I don't know if I have the power to do it again."
"What if I want to go back and not be saved?" Richard asks, trying to make all of this easier for Jacob rather than for himself. From the weary look in Jacob's eyes and the way he constantly looks back to make sure they're still together, Richard can tell his presence alone is taking its toll. And he doesn't need or want his questions to be an additional burden, so he wants to know if it can all be avoided. If he can just disappear and end this misery for both of them.
"That's not an option."
"Why?"
"Because you're special, Richard. The darkness will taint you. It will hurt you."
Richard doesn't feel special, but he doesn't say so. He doesn't want to be even more of a burden; Jacob sounds so, so tired, and forever has just barely started.
*
Jacob is at least more joyful when he starts to show Richard what he needs to do on the island to survive. He teaches Richard how to shoot a gun, how to swim in the ocean, how to make traps in the forest, how to hunt the boar that are hiding on the island, waiting for an opportunity to attack and destroy him. Richard doesn't question anything, and he learns and accepts the lessons rather quickly, and he thinks that maybe this is why Jacob seems happier now.
But that's not the real reason.
Jacob's smiling more because Richard will have a greater chance of surviving once he's on his own. Because he won't have to worry so much when he has to set Richard free.
*
Once, they reach an area with a ton of houses standing unbroken and ready to take on anyone. They see a ton of people running around and laughing or talking and smiling, and Richard feels a sense of unity and a sense of longing. They stand there for a while just watching, as if it's the most majestic sight either one of them has ever seen.
"What are we going to do here?" he asks to break the silence, trying to hide the excitement in his voice.
"Nothing," Jacob replies simply.
"Why?"
"They can't see you."
Richard's not surprised by this. He's used to these confusing statements by now, but he asks anyway: "You mean I'm invisible?"
"No. You're not ready to go there yet."
Richard doesn't understand, but he trusts Jacob enough after spending so much time being taught the secrets of the island, so he leaves without looking back, knowing he'll probably return some other day to join them.
*
"I have a question," Richard warns later that day.
"Yes?"
"You're sure you want to hear it?"
"I'm sure I want to hear it."
"All right. Who are you?"
"I'm Jacob. You know that."
Richard laughs softly. "That's not what I meant. You know all about the island and I heard those people talk about you. They said no one's seen you, but they all take orders from you. Are you their leader or something?"
"In a way, yes."
"In a way? Who are you?" Richard repeats.
"Well, who do you want me to be, Richard?"
"Well, I just know who I don't want you to be."
"Yeah?"
"I don't want you to be the one who has to watch over me all the time. I can take care of myself. You should take care of yourself instead."
"I do take care of myself, Richard."
"You don't sleep or eat and you look like you're panicking whenever you're not watching me. No, you don't take care of yourself."
Jacob sighs, shakes his head and smiles sadly. "That's too bad. You're special, Richard, so that's what I'm always going to be."
Richard feels something tugging at his heart, but he's not sure what it is. Perhaps it's the dark calling him back because Jacob is possibly spending all this time nurturing him for nothing, absolutely nothing. But that assumption doesn't feel right anymore; Richard knows now, by the way Jacob talks about it with such scorn and disappointment in his voice, that darkness is the enemy. That darkness is the reason he's learning so much about successfully living on this island. So he thinks it's the light telling that it's all right, that Jacob knows what he's doing. That Jacob is doing what he wants to be doing.
So Richard, he lets Jacob have the last word here.
*
"Someone is going to find a way to kill me," Jacob says one day as he's watching Richard lie on the bed in their cabin reading a book.
Richard immediately throws the book down and sits up and asks hurriedly, "What are you talking about?"
"I have an enemy here, Richard. He controls the dark, is one with the dark. He can take on the form of any human being and is also what people call the smoke monster here." He pauses. "The smoke monster... judges people. Based on their past sins, he decides whether people should live or die."
And Richard, he doesn't understand how there could be anyone who wants to be in the dark when Jacob's here and protecting the island and he doesn't understand why anyone would want to take that protection away and--
"He is going to kill me someday. It's inevitable, I know, because if I'm alive, he can't get what he wants."
--he doesn't see why this has to be inevitable because they could change this, they could change this so that Jacob can live in the light and so there is no more darkness at all and--
"And after he kills me, he is going to try to take you away from the island by judging you. He thinks you'll be vulnerable when I'm gone." He pauses. "I tried so hard to save you from that darkness. You were there for so long. You could have been useful, special to him, but that--would have ruined you. I couldn't allow that."
--he doesn't care if he dies as long as Jacob lives because he's a burden and Jacob's not because he's a stealer of hearts and Jacob is a savior and--
--Richard, he doesn't know what to say, so he mumbles weakly, selfishly, "Do you think that's true? That I'll be more vulnerable?"
"You're special, Richard. You don't have any sins," is all that Jacob says. And he looks at Richard and Richard can see tears threatening to spill from his eyes, and he doesn't understand why he's so special, so important to this man. All he understands is that he doesn't want to see Jacob so sad and he remembers enough about his forgotten life to know that people who work hard don't deserve to feel this way as a reward.
"Don't cry, all right? I won't die. I'm not going to die. Like you said when we first met, I'm going to live on the island forever with you," he says desperately, unsure if his words mean anything at all.
And when Richard sees Jacob tremble while trying to hide teary eyes, he can't help but wish he'd never been saved from the dark again.
*
He'll live with the light, though the darkness would save both of them. He'll live with all the questions, though they terrify him. With the people he saw, though he knows they won't protect him. With himself, though there's no trust there.
He'll do it for forever, for Jacob, though it hurts to do so.
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Jacob x Richard Alpert, mentions of Esau
Prompt: #91 (Stressed)
Word Count: 2040
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Mentions of death and violence.
Summary: Richard follows the man, learns his name is Jacob.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
A/N: Don't know why I'm writing about Richard's past when the truth is going to be revealed soon. XP Consider this AU already.
Dark World Burden
The light is blinding when he first wakes. The sky is smiling down on him and the waves from the ocean are ready to greet him after preparing for so long.
Most would feel blessed. Most don't wake to see the light. Most don't feel like they belong here.
But he doesn't feel blessed. He just feels light-headed. Heavy. Confused.
*
It's hard to move his legs and his arms and it's hard to lift his head up, but he does it. He doesn't remember if he's ever done it before, doesn't remember where he learned how to do this. But he does it. He stands, but he doesn't go anywhere else, because nothing around him looks familiar and the blinding sun isn't shedding light on the path he somehow knows he's supposed to take.
And suddenly, without thinking, he turns his head to the right. And he's confused for a moment, again, before he sees there's someone walking toward him.
His muscles relax and his body doesn't feel so heavy anymore. He thinks that he'll finally have his questions answered.
*
The man who walks toward him only raises more questions.
"Your name is Richard Alpert," the man says.
And he, Richard, somehow knows what a name is, but he doesn't know the man's name nor can he recall anyone else's. So he just nods his head, doesn't say anything.
"You've been--in the dark," this man says. He moves closer, extends his arms and touches Richard's lightly, as if he doesn't believe what he's seeing is real. And then he confirms Richard's existence by grabbing his arm and holding on tightly and not letting go. "For so long, you've been in the dark."
Richard releases himself from the grip and takes a step back, almost stumbles in the sand because he's not used to moving, especially not so quickly and nervously.
The man's arm is still extended as he says, "You don't need to be afraid. I just--wanted to see something."
And words come out of Richard's mouth like they have a million times before--"See what?"--and his eyes open wide at how familiar yet foreign his own voice is.
The man laughs. And then his expression swiftly turns serious, and he pauses before saying, "I just came here to see if you looked the same after all these years. And to see what you might look like in a hundred more years or so. Maybe more."
And then he walks away, leaving Richard behind.
*
Richard doesn't remember the dark.
All he knows: it's the opposite of light, and he'd rather be there than anywhere if it meant he wouldn't have to be haunted by the earth that knows he doesn't belong there.
*
Richard follows the man, learns his name is Jacob.
He notices that the name escapes from his tongue so easily, and there's even a hint of admiration in his voice when he says it. As if he owes something to this man who left him alone and confused. As if there's any reason to care for someone who still makes him feel like he's in the dark.
But Jacob is all Richard has and it feels right, so he follows.
And Jacob, he says, "You're going to be here forever."
Richard's heart stops. He understands the concept of forever, and he understands that the promise Jacob is making could be empty. He understands that maybe he wants the promies to be empty, because he doesn't want to be here. He understands that Jacob could just be saying this to make him feel safe and secure on this island surrounded by calm ocean water and the sun that always rises and sets when it's supposed to.
"You're special, Richard. Because of that, you're going to live on this island with me forever."
Richard hopes the saying is true, that nothing lasts forever. He doesn't want to live with his questions forever, doesn't want to wonder what his life had been like before and during his time in the dark, or what's going to become of it. He doesn't want Jacob to deal with his lack of identity and knowledge about--everything.
*
Forever starts with Jacob taking Richard to his home, a cabin in the middle of the forest which is partly hidden in shadows and partly adored by the sun.
"Is this the dark?" Richard dares to ask.
"No," Jacob replies. "The dark is far away. I won't take you back there."
"Why not?" The thought of belonging to the darkness again sounds comfortable in his puzzled mind, but there's still some relief in his voice.
"Evil lies there. I saved you from it once, and I don't... I don't know if I have the power to do it again."
"What if I want to go back and not be saved?" Richard asks, trying to make all of this easier for Jacob rather than for himself. From the weary look in Jacob's eyes and the way he constantly looks back to make sure they're still together, Richard can tell his presence alone is taking its toll. And he doesn't need or want his questions to be an additional burden, so he wants to know if it can all be avoided. If he can just disappear and end this misery for both of them.
"That's not an option."
"Why?"
"Because you're special, Richard. The darkness will taint you. It will hurt you."
Richard doesn't feel special, but he doesn't say so. He doesn't want to be even more of a burden; Jacob sounds so, so tired, and forever has just barely started.
*
Jacob is at least more joyful when he starts to show Richard what he needs to do on the island to survive. He teaches Richard how to shoot a gun, how to swim in the ocean, how to make traps in the forest, how to hunt the boar that are hiding on the island, waiting for an opportunity to attack and destroy him. Richard doesn't question anything, and he learns and accepts the lessons rather quickly, and he thinks that maybe this is why Jacob seems happier now.
But that's not the real reason.
Jacob's smiling more because Richard will have a greater chance of surviving once he's on his own. Because he won't have to worry so much when he has to set Richard free.
*
Once, they reach an area with a ton of houses standing unbroken and ready to take on anyone. They see a ton of people running around and laughing or talking and smiling, and Richard feels a sense of unity and a sense of longing. They stand there for a while just watching, as if it's the most majestic sight either one of them has ever seen.
"What are we going to do here?" he asks to break the silence, trying to hide the excitement in his voice.
"Nothing," Jacob replies simply.
"Why?"
"They can't see you."
Richard's not surprised by this. He's used to these confusing statements by now, but he asks anyway: "You mean I'm invisible?"
"No. You're not ready to go there yet."
Richard doesn't understand, but he trusts Jacob enough after spending so much time being taught the secrets of the island, so he leaves without looking back, knowing he'll probably return some other day to join them.
*
"I have a question," Richard warns later that day.
"Yes?"
"You're sure you want to hear it?"
"I'm sure I want to hear it."
"All right. Who are you?"
"I'm Jacob. You know that."
Richard laughs softly. "That's not what I meant. You know all about the island and I heard those people talk about you. They said no one's seen you, but they all take orders from you. Are you their leader or something?"
"In a way, yes."
"In a way? Who are you?" Richard repeats.
"Well, who do you want me to be, Richard?"
"Well, I just know who I don't want you to be."
"Yeah?"
"I don't want you to be the one who has to watch over me all the time. I can take care of myself. You should take care of yourself instead."
"I do take care of myself, Richard."
"You don't sleep or eat and you look like you're panicking whenever you're not watching me. No, you don't take care of yourself."
Jacob sighs, shakes his head and smiles sadly. "That's too bad. You're special, Richard, so that's what I'm always going to be."
Richard feels something tugging at his heart, but he's not sure what it is. Perhaps it's the dark calling him back because Jacob is possibly spending all this time nurturing him for nothing, absolutely nothing. But that assumption doesn't feel right anymore; Richard knows now, by the way Jacob talks about it with such scorn and disappointment in his voice, that darkness is the enemy. That darkness is the reason he's learning so much about successfully living on this island. So he thinks it's the light telling that it's all right, that Jacob knows what he's doing. That Jacob is doing what he wants to be doing.
So Richard, he lets Jacob have the last word here.
*
"Someone is going to find a way to kill me," Jacob says one day as he's watching Richard lie on the bed in their cabin reading a book.
Richard immediately throws the book down and sits up and asks hurriedly, "What are you talking about?"
"I have an enemy here, Richard. He controls the dark, is one with the dark. He can take on the form of any human being and is also what people call the smoke monster here." He pauses. "The smoke monster... judges people. Based on their past sins, he decides whether people should live or die."
And Richard, he doesn't understand how there could be anyone who wants to be in the dark when Jacob's here and protecting the island and he doesn't understand why anyone would want to take that protection away and--
"He is going to kill me someday. It's inevitable, I know, because if I'm alive, he can't get what he wants."
--he doesn't see why this has to be inevitable because they could change this, they could change this so that Jacob can live in the light and so there is no more darkness at all and--
"And after he kills me, he is going to try to take you away from the island by judging you. He thinks you'll be vulnerable when I'm gone." He pauses. "I tried so hard to save you from that darkness. You were there for so long. You could have been useful, special to him, but that--would have ruined you. I couldn't allow that."
--he doesn't care if he dies as long as Jacob lives because he's a burden and Jacob's not because he's a stealer of hearts and Jacob is a savior and--
--Richard, he doesn't know what to say, so he mumbles weakly, selfishly, "Do you think that's true? That I'll be more vulnerable?"
"You're special, Richard. You don't have any sins," is all that Jacob says. And he looks at Richard and Richard can see tears threatening to spill from his eyes, and he doesn't understand why he's so special, so important to this man. All he understands is that he doesn't want to see Jacob so sad and he remembers enough about his forgotten life to know that people who work hard don't deserve to feel this way as a reward.
"Don't cry, all right? I won't die. I'm not going to die. Like you said when we first met, I'm going to live on the island forever with you," he says desperately, unsure if his words mean anything at all.
And when Richard sees Jacob tremble while trying to hide teary eyes, he can't help but wish he'd never been saved from the dark again.
*
He'll live with the light, though the darkness would save both of them. He'll live with all the questions, though they terrify him. With the people he saw, though he knows they won't protect him. With himself, though there's no trust there.
He'll do it for forever, for Jacob, though it hurts to do so.