(no subject)
ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i can only conclude that i am a fat stupid idiot. what the what the what the hell is wrong with me. today i woke up late, stayed in bed later, did slightly constructive domestic things. felt guilty for not doing uni work. hated myself for not doing anything, abate this guilt by eating chocolate. hate myself for eating chocolate - i will always be fat and alone. until the fatness goes the loneliness will stay and i'm not even trying on the fatness side of things any more.
woke up with my period so that was great.
feeling utterly defeated today - know sadness related to boy is completely futile, yet can't help it. i hate it when i am not in control of my emotions. i hate these kind of days. haven't had one in so long and i resent this day.
i did study but not enough and it did not abate my guilt.
i feel entirely hopeless and ugly and unlovable.
which is totally stupid and a waste of emotion. it's not happening, its not happening its not happening. do i feel sad because i know that for sure but still cling to hope?
what a waste of a day
feeling slightly ill from chocolate consumption.
adding to what i just wrote:
i dont think i want a relationship - not with boy or anyone else. it's just, not even there. i think the thing i want is to be desired, or to be loved. i want someone to love and appreciate me for me.
the idea of intimacy terrifies me.
ever since the rape, i have not kissed anyone. thats over year ago. i think the longer i left it the harder it is to break. plus my body repulses me and the idea of someone else touching me is therefore doubly terrifying. i think i have convinced myself that if i lose weight i will be ok with intimacy again. maybe thats why i havent. simply because the concept terrifies me. i get little crushes but if that was returned i would be terrified and not know what to do.
i can only conclude that i am a fat stupid idiot. what the what the what the hell is wrong with me. today i woke up late, stayed in bed later, did slightly constructive domestic things. felt guilty for not doing uni work. hated myself for not doing anything, abate this guilt by eating chocolate. hate myself for eating chocolate - i will always be fat and alone. until the fatness goes the loneliness will stay and i'm not even trying on the fatness side of things any more.
woke up with my period so that was great.
feeling utterly defeated today - know sadness related to boy is completely futile, yet can't help it. i hate it when i am not in control of my emotions. i hate these kind of days. haven't had one in so long and i resent this day.
i did study but not enough and it did not abate my guilt.
i feel entirely hopeless and ugly and unlovable.
which is totally stupid and a waste of emotion. it's not happening, its not happening its not happening. do i feel sad because i know that for sure but still cling to hope?
what a waste of a day
feeling slightly ill from chocolate consumption.
adding to what i just wrote:
i dont think i want a relationship - not with boy or anyone else. it's just, not even there. i think the thing i want is to be desired, or to be loved. i want someone to love and appreciate me for me.
the idea of intimacy terrifies me.
ever since the rape, i have not kissed anyone. thats over year ago. i think the longer i left it the harder it is to break. plus my body repulses me and the idea of someone else touching me is therefore doubly terrifying. i think i have convinced myself that if i lose weight i will be ok with intimacy again. maybe thats why i havent. simply because the concept terrifies me. i get little crushes but if that was returned i would be terrified and not know what to do.