(no subject)
i think i'm getting sick.
it's finally getting cold in brisbane. seeing as my windows dont close without monumental effort - i don't think i'd close them unless it started snowing, and that's pretty unlikely - so i definitely noticed it today. especially seeing as i spent all day holed up in my room reading quizlaw.com (strangely addictive!) and most definitely not at uni.
i called up work today and asked for a transfer to a coles that is closer to where i live and would hopefully also give me more hours. currently, to get to work, i ride my bike to the train, catch the train one stop over, then ride to work. i ride all the way home. which is fine, i guess, if i was getting reasonable hours. but i'm not. the last two weeks i've got a total of four hours of work (about 45 bucks) each week. the same goes for this week. it's just totally insane, i can't afford to go to uni on that kind of money. and if i quit uni, i lose my centrelink, which means i have 45 bucks a week and thats it.
it's incredibly frustrating because i am good at my job, shitty though the job itself may be. when i talked to the store manager about it today she said 'oh but i'd be very sorry to lose you!' well show your appreciation by giving me hours! please! i'll take them!
so basically i purposefully overdrew my account last week 200 bucks so i could afford rent and bills. thats gonna hurt for the next while.
mickey avalon is rapping in my ear "ds is the best in the business, ps, we've got dicks like jesus'
a great line, despite my intense dislike for rap.
i was watching the news tonight and that football guy who went to america for rehab (!) is back. ben cousins. what a welcoming home huh!? it would be pretty easy to develop a god complex with that kind of attention. no wonder he's fucked up.
it's really easy to be a victim. or convince yourself that you are one. easy to stay in that mindframe and slip down and down. i feel myself slipping, for various, equally as ridiculous as each other reasons.
i don't want to, and yet i do, because it's easy and i think i just realised i've been fighting for what feels like a long time, and to slip is easy and that is what i want right now.
i'm terrified i've made the wrong decision with uni, not because it isnt what i desperately want to do, but because i am scared i am no good, will never be any good. i want to be good, i want to be one of the best. why am i not going to uni then? i think maybe the hard work terrifies me. i want it to come naturally.
i dont fucking know, i'm just rambling now.
it's finally getting cold in brisbane. seeing as my windows dont close without monumental effort - i don't think i'd close them unless it started snowing, and that's pretty unlikely - so i definitely noticed it today. especially seeing as i spent all day holed up in my room reading quizlaw.com (strangely addictive!) and most definitely not at uni.
i called up work today and asked for a transfer to a coles that is closer to where i live and would hopefully also give me more hours. currently, to get to work, i ride my bike to the train, catch the train one stop over, then ride to work. i ride all the way home. which is fine, i guess, if i was getting reasonable hours. but i'm not. the last two weeks i've got a total of four hours of work (about 45 bucks) each week. the same goes for this week. it's just totally insane, i can't afford to go to uni on that kind of money. and if i quit uni, i lose my centrelink, which means i have 45 bucks a week and thats it.
it's incredibly frustrating because i am good at my job, shitty though the job itself may be. when i talked to the store manager about it today she said 'oh but i'd be very sorry to lose you!' well show your appreciation by giving me hours! please! i'll take them!
so basically i purposefully overdrew my account last week 200 bucks so i could afford rent and bills. thats gonna hurt for the next while.
mickey avalon is rapping in my ear "ds is the best in the business, ps, we've got dicks like jesus'
a great line, despite my intense dislike for rap.
i was watching the news tonight and that football guy who went to america for rehab (!) is back. ben cousins. what a welcoming home huh!? it would be pretty easy to develop a god complex with that kind of attention. no wonder he's fucked up.
it's really easy to be a victim. or convince yourself that you are one. easy to stay in that mindframe and slip down and down. i feel myself slipping, for various, equally as ridiculous as each other reasons.
i don't want to, and yet i do, because it's easy and i think i just realised i've been fighting for what feels like a long time, and to slip is easy and that is what i want right now.
i'm terrified i've made the wrong decision with uni, not because it isnt what i desperately want to do, but because i am scared i am no good, will never be any good. i want to be good, i want to be one of the best. why am i not going to uni then? i think maybe the hard work terrifies me. i want it to come naturally.
i dont fucking know, i'm just rambling now.