I feel like such a child.
I spent tonight reading the facebook profiles of a bunch of my high school classmates. It was depressing. So many people are already doing something with their lives. Normal, adult things, like selling insurance and becoming policemen. Their pictures have them smiling with a significant other. Some of them are engaged. They all look like men and women, not children. I look in the mirror and I see a little girl.
Today at camp I had a hard time pulling my sweatshirt over my head because I'd forgotten that with glasses, you can't really do that. So I fumbled around for a while before taking the thing off and removing my glasses, then tried again. The woman sitting next to me during orientation cooed at my struggle: "Awww, she's so tiny!" I wanted to die in shame. Looking like a child makes people treat you like one. And constantly being treated like a child by everyone but the people who know you best inevitably makes you feel like a child.
But I can't blame all of my low self-esteem on other people. It doesn't help that I go along with it. With my friends I'm 21, but with adults I somehow revert to being 12. I don't mean to, but it happens. And reading that sentence, I realize that I just separated "adults" from myself by virtue of my calling them that. In my head, they're still a separate category from myself. I know I need to get out of my pleasant little bubble, which I've created for myself because life kind of freaks me out, and experience the big, wide world, but ... life freaks me out. Did I mention that? I spend so much time worrying about how things could go so terribly wrong that I never actually go out and try anything. And the little I do try, I try with such hesitation and trepidation that I often end up screwing myself over simply because I approach things with an attitude of, "Wow, I have no idea what I'm doing and will probably fuck up. Oh, look -- I just did!" There's a lot to be said for positive thinking.
Sometimes I think to myself that if I only had a companion to support me, life would somehow be easier, but then I freak out and bang my head up against the wall for being so Family Values. Only not really. It's so complicated! I'm not sure if my desire to have a spouse is a result of my genuinely wanting one or because for about 15 years of my life, I was taught that human beings function best in units. I mean, human beings are social creatures. Depriving a human being of love, support, and human contact really fucks them up. The whole monogamy thing is probably just a social construction, but the desire to want to cling to people ... well, I dunno. Sometimes I just think to myself: "No, this whole spouse thing is actually very practical. You have flaws A-G. Your spouse, however, not only has strengths A-G, but is also proficient in putting up with flaws A-G. Conversely, you have strengths H-N, and the ability to put up with the lack of them in your spouse." Obviously this scenario is a little too neat to be realistic, but the principle there is pretty solid IMO. I think the biggest problem, ultimately, is just finding someone who not only has strengths that you don't have (that's the easy part, actually), but finding someone who is willing and able to both put up with your flaws as well as support you in trying to fix them.
Like, I'm anxious. Can I find people out there who aren't anxious? Sure, there are loads of them. I'm lazy. Can I find people out there who are ambitious? Of course. However, can I find someone who's going to be able to stomach my constant whining about how worried I am about everything, and someone who has the patience and easy disposition to not want to bash my skull in or, worse, leave me? [Holy fuck. I just wrote that, didn't I? I just wrote that I'd rather be physically abused than deserted. This entry has been a shocker even for me...] Can I find someone with enough energy and, again, patience, to give me a good kick in the ass and start me running? Because once I'm up and running, maybe it'll be like, "Wow, I can totally do this."
I know this is America and we're not supposed to rely on anyone but ourselves ("no one can change you -- you have to change yourself!"), but as far as I'm concerned, the fact that I live with 6 billion other people on this planet rather than in a vacuum means that I'm a fucktard if I neglect such a rich resource. One of the things Cecilia used to tell us that I loved so much was that her husband, an undoubtedly brilliant man who had gone from being a poor Tennessee boy to owning a bank, was successful because he knew how to manipulate his environment. He had realized that, if he surrounded himself with people who possessed the strengths he lacked, he was able to overcome a lot of his flaws. I think that, yes, ultimately YOU have to want to make a change for the better, but the desire to become better often isn't enough. We're human, and we need help. Like I said, with 6 billion other people on this planet, biology clearly didn't expect us to have to go it alone. If you want to be a better person but your environment is the same day after day, month after month, nothing will ever happen. It's so easy to sit in a pond of stagnant water when all the life around you has stopped moving.
Of course, hanging all of that on the head of one person is probably a bad idea. But relationships are (or should be) a two-way street: your love will have flaws, too, and hopefully you'll be able to be as much of a resource to them as they are to you. It's a give and take! Taking can only be done so much before there is nothing left. But if you replace as you take, there will always be more left to take.
I really do hope I can find a woman I'm able to complement, because as much as I want support, I want to be someone else's support, too. I know I have a lot of flaws, but I also have a lot of strengths, and I just know I could make a great girlfriend for the right person. Most of you haven't seen what I'm like when I'm in love, but it can be pretty overwhelming. I'm sure love like that can be scary, but I don't doubt there are people out there who need just that kind of love. Probably all the people who'd need love like that are the ones who think it's creepy. Ah well! Just another challenge to surmount.
Kind of like all of life.