Pain and hopelesness...
So today I was woken up an hour too early by my brother who was pushing me to clean my room which was hardly that messy since there was gonna be a guy coming to briefly look at the HOUSE, not the degree of things scattered around my tables or the shoes on the floor. I took a few bits of trash down, tidied the carpet a bit, still being annoyed about having been woken up. I wouldn't generally respond to such crap though, especially since a spotless teenage bedroom is clearly an attempt at trying too hard. The logical question in all of this is, 'what promted this teenager who is at home on a weekday to have to clean up so spotlessly?' I refused to clean more because I simply didn't agree and he was very pushy, he said some terrible things, I was very much pained and felt lost and hopeless and there was a physical screaming match between us in the end. They simply dont see where I'm coming from, I dont think it would be very productive and worth it to attempt to explain to them. My brother said that I was 'plain lazy and causing a scene to get what I want which pained me even more.
I had to take a walk and the scene and my drop in mood not only promted further psychotic thoughts, but they promted memories of what causes me great pain, trauma and what initially caused or triggered my current illnesses. It was something visual, cinematic that caused great trauma, pain, confusion and ultimately just messed me and my life up completely. It's possible that if it wasnt for that, and idioctic assholes around me at the time, I would be a lot healthier and in a much simpler situation right now. I take a bit of solace in the fact that I have lately realised and have been influenced by some to realise something. That thing is that that Oliver Stone, that boringly one tonal, money hungry, controversially obsessed, hollywood leach and a visually and motively idiotic excuse for a filmaker is worthy of nothing more than to to kiss my hairy, white ass and to SUCK A FART OUT OF IT!!! If I ever have the displeasure of coming across him I will tell him that I am extremely hostile towards and aware of the pathetic motives of his work, that he should retire, that I'm glad if he has already, and I will gladly shit in his hat if I get the chance to.
Anyway, back to living in this house. My dad just spoke to me on the phone. Also mentioning, like my brother did, that I'm lazy and that I use my illness as an excuse. Yeah, because I hear that my ilnesses are BRILLIANT IN SAVING MY ASS, nevermind the fact that they tear me apart and that there can be many several possible reasons for my disobediant behaviour. They are convinced that I am a lazy, pain in the ass. I have no choice but to clean my room up a bit more now seeing as he is forcing me, straightly, he mentioned me moving out otherwise. I guess I have no choice but to clean my small 'messes' so that they can pile up slightly again and then I can clean them up again *rolls eyes* That would be a MIRACLE if I could move out though...
GOOD NEWS... I am getting 500 pounds in my account tomorrow due to my benefits and what they owe me! 600 next week! This might be my first small step towards independance. I doubt it though...
UFYDGSSTGFHFFHJJIGVJH!!! Some situation, or someone please save me from this STRANGE AND IMPOSSIBLY COMPREHENSIBLE EXISTENCE!!
Call me arrogant, but I feel like I am the only fairly understandable and non-idiotic person in this family of FUCKING IDIOTIC ASSHOLES. My dad's wife is coming around though, and she can be sweet so she's off the hook in my hate books I guess. It's amazing how people with the same blood can think and rationalise so differently. I could never be as quick to jump to conclusion as they are a lot of the time.
I had to take a walk and the scene and my drop in mood not only promted further psychotic thoughts, but they promted memories of what causes me great pain, trauma and what initially caused or triggered my current illnesses. It was something visual, cinematic that caused great trauma, pain, confusion and ultimately just messed me and my life up completely. It's possible that if it wasnt for that, and idioctic assholes around me at the time, I would be a lot healthier and in a much simpler situation right now. I take a bit of solace in the fact that I have lately realised and have been influenced by some to realise something. That thing is that that Oliver Stone, that boringly one tonal, money hungry, controversially obsessed, hollywood leach and a visually and motively idiotic excuse for a filmaker is worthy of nothing more than to to kiss my hairy, white ass and to SUCK A FART OUT OF IT!!! If I ever have the displeasure of coming across him I will tell him that I am extremely hostile towards and aware of the pathetic motives of his work, that he should retire, that I'm glad if he has already, and I will gladly shit in his hat if I get the chance to.
Anyway, back to living in this house. My dad just spoke to me on the phone. Also mentioning, like my brother did, that I'm lazy and that I use my illness as an excuse. Yeah, because I hear that my ilnesses are BRILLIANT IN SAVING MY ASS, nevermind the fact that they tear me apart and that there can be many several possible reasons for my disobediant behaviour. They are convinced that I am a lazy, pain in the ass. I have no choice but to clean my room up a bit more now seeing as he is forcing me, straightly, he mentioned me moving out otherwise. I guess I have no choice but to clean my small 'messes' so that they can pile up slightly again and then I can clean them up again *rolls eyes* That would be a MIRACLE if I could move out though...
GOOD NEWS... I am getting 500 pounds in my account tomorrow due to my benefits and what they owe me! 600 next week! This might be my first small step towards independance. I doubt it though...
UFYDGSSTGFHFFHJJIGVJH!!! Some situation, or someone please save me from this STRANGE AND IMPOSSIBLY COMPREHENSIBLE EXISTENCE!!
Call me arrogant, but I feel like I am the only fairly understandable and non-idiotic person in this family of FUCKING IDIOTIC ASSHOLES. My dad's wife is coming around though, and she can be sweet so she's off the hook in my hate books I guess. It's amazing how people with the same blood can think and rationalise so differently. I could never be as quick to jump to conclusion as they are a lot of the time.