First Advice Column
Well the responses have not been overwhelming, but they have been coming in, so i will not delay in responding to our first advice seeker. Mitch Alva, 15, of Brighton writes...."I have trouble getting my woman in the sack, and advice?" Well Mitch, I can certainly help you out.
First of all, we should congradulate Mitch on actually getting a gf. When i first met mitch in 4th grade i never thought he would have a relationship...with a woman, but obviously i was wrong. However this is neither the place nor the time for me to comment on Mitch's luck with females. So I wont. However, one has to wonder, what kinda woman would date mitch, and possibly even have sex with him?! I thought Mitch was only interested in hockey anyways, no time for girls, especialy during this first round of the NHL playoffs, come on, there are 4 games a day right now! How can he possibly have time to think about girls?! Wait there isnt a female hockey player in brighton is there? I bet mitch would be all over her, thatd deff be his fantasy.
But I said i wont dwell on how unlikely it was that mitch found a gf, and im a man of my word, so i wont. Now onto the advice. Well when i first started contemplating this problem, it occured to me, just about the only way Mitch will end up having sex is if he rapes some girl. If that is the case, maybe the best way for Mitch to get his woman in the sack is to buy a gun(sharp knive also works), maybe a mask if you would like to hide your identity, and then later, an extremely talented defense attorney. Maybe taht situation is a bit to risky though. That brings us to scenario number 2.
Well im guessing if this girl is dumb enough to date mitch, she probably has done some other dumb stuff. Maybe something she doesnt want ppl to know about? This provides a beatiful opportunity for Mitch. All he has to do is throughly research this mystery girls past, and find something "dirty." Then all Mitch has to do is confront her. Tell the girl that he knows about her dark past, and that he will tell, if she doesnt have sex with him. Seems like itd work to me. But is it possible that Mitch and this girl are actualy involved in a serious relationship? Probably not, but maybe, which brings us to scenario 3.
Now if this girl actualy has feelings for Mitch, all he has to do is get in touch with her sensitive side. Make her want to have sex with him. And i have the perfect way to do this. Now Mitch is, as i have mentioned, a die hard hockey fan(yes quite unbeliavalbe as well, i didnt even know there were hockey "fans" before i met mitch, let alone someone who follows the sport to such a strong extent that they are considered a die hard). Well as part of his undying faithfullness to the Rochester Americans(local AHL team), Mitch and his family follow the team around several times a year, to such places as Syracuse and im not sure where else. Well, Mitches dad is not the greatest driver, and does have somewhat of a drinking habit. And you dont have to put two and two together(which by the way is 4) to realize that there is a great possibility that there is a pretty good chance of a car crash on one of these trips home, possibly resulting in Mitch's death. Im sure the gf has ridden in the car with Mr. Alva, and knows of his horrendous driving. All Mitch has to do is tell her that he fears for his life every time he steps into the car. Also that he is in love with her, and does not want to leave this world without her knowing it. He would like to express his love by making love to her...who knows Mitch might never come home again?! His gf surely would not want Mitch to die without taking their love to a higher level now would she?
Good luck Mitch. Im sure youll find one of these scnearios fitting. If not im sure you can spend your time masterbating to NHL hockey, and go Rangers!!...oh wait, they didnt make the playoffs did they?
If anyone else would like my advice, refer to the entry below, hope i can be of your service
as allways, thanks for your time.
First of all, we should congradulate Mitch on actually getting a gf. When i first met mitch in 4th grade i never thought he would have a relationship...with a woman, but obviously i was wrong. However this is neither the place nor the time for me to comment on Mitch's luck with females. So I wont. However, one has to wonder, what kinda woman would date mitch, and possibly even have sex with him?! I thought Mitch was only interested in hockey anyways, no time for girls, especialy during this first round of the NHL playoffs, come on, there are 4 games a day right now! How can he possibly have time to think about girls?! Wait there isnt a female hockey player in brighton is there? I bet mitch would be all over her, thatd deff be his fantasy.
But I said i wont dwell on how unlikely it was that mitch found a gf, and im a man of my word, so i wont. Now onto the advice. Well when i first started contemplating this problem, it occured to me, just about the only way Mitch will end up having sex is if he rapes some girl. If that is the case, maybe the best way for Mitch to get his woman in the sack is to buy a gun(sharp knive also works), maybe a mask if you would like to hide your identity, and then later, an extremely talented defense attorney. Maybe taht situation is a bit to risky though. That brings us to scenario number 2.
Well im guessing if this girl is dumb enough to date mitch, she probably has done some other dumb stuff. Maybe something she doesnt want ppl to know about? This provides a beatiful opportunity for Mitch. All he has to do is throughly research this mystery girls past, and find something "dirty." Then all Mitch has to do is confront her. Tell the girl that he knows about her dark past, and that he will tell, if she doesnt have sex with him. Seems like itd work to me. But is it possible that Mitch and this girl are actualy involved in a serious relationship? Probably not, but maybe, which brings us to scenario 3.
Now if this girl actualy has feelings for Mitch, all he has to do is get in touch with her sensitive side. Make her want to have sex with him. And i have the perfect way to do this. Now Mitch is, as i have mentioned, a die hard hockey fan(yes quite unbeliavalbe as well, i didnt even know there were hockey "fans" before i met mitch, let alone someone who follows the sport to such a strong extent that they are considered a die hard). Well as part of his undying faithfullness to the Rochester Americans(local AHL team), Mitch and his family follow the team around several times a year, to such places as Syracuse and im not sure where else. Well, Mitches dad is not the greatest driver, and does have somewhat of a drinking habit. And you dont have to put two and two together(which by the way is 4) to realize that there is a great possibility that there is a pretty good chance of a car crash on one of these trips home, possibly resulting in Mitch's death. Im sure the gf has ridden in the car with Mr. Alva, and knows of his horrendous driving. All Mitch has to do is tell her that he fears for his life every time he steps into the car. Also that he is in love with her, and does not want to leave this world without her knowing it. He would like to express his love by making love to her...who knows Mitch might never come home again?! His gf surely would not want Mitch to die without taking their love to a higher level now would she?
Good luck Mitch. Im sure youll find one of these scnearios fitting. If not im sure you can spend your time masterbating to NHL hockey, and go Rangers!!...oh wait, they didnt make the playoffs did they?
If anyone else would like my advice, refer to the entry below, hope i can be of your service
as allways, thanks for your time.