Negative Spoons Day
On the outside, I'm just like other people. This makes my life harder sometimes, because on the inside, I am not. I live with a few illnesses and mental health problems, and they limit my spoons.
The funny thing about having limited spoons is that people who live an ordinary, reasonably healthy life don't ever have to think about counting them.
I don't count spoons as much as I used to because I know my limitations better. In a way, that's also counting spoons. But the other day someone expressed concern at me because I was so tired, and I started to laugh.
I am always tired.
The times I wake up rested, refreshed, and capable of being just like other people are rare. It's normal for me to wake up tired, and when my life is a little crazier (like now) it's normal to wake up exhausted, to want to go back to bed and sleep for another five hours. I can't do that, most days. I have a job and a life and things that need doing, and I have to make compromises. Sometimes that compromise is not eating dinner, because I cannot make my body want food when it's exhausted, and I cannot find the energy to cook it if I could. Other times it's doing housework, or being as professional in my job as I would like to be, or smiling one more time at something someone says because my face just won't move anymore.
Counting spoons is a funny thing; you learn to do it subconsciously and you have good days and you enjoy them. And then someone makes a random comment at you and you realise your life is utterly different from theirs, even if they know you live with illnesses. Sometimes it's being asked to do something that's considered "reasonable" that would for me be a huge effort. (My family is fond of doing these type things: "...but can't you go pick up [this thing], it's only a mile from your house!")
Today is a day where I am aware I do not have the spoons required for the things I need to do, among them going to work. I cannot not go to work, so I will borrow spoons against tomorrow, but that isn't something I can do endlessly.
This is my life, my normal, and likely to stay that way. Considering the things I have, I'm actually lucky, I've been told, that I'm capable of independent living and sustaining a career, and that's nice to know, but it also just makes life hard. My life is harder than the average person's, and so yeah, I'm tired, and I have to count my spoons.
The funny thing about having limited spoons is that people who live an ordinary, reasonably healthy life don't ever have to think about counting them.
I don't count spoons as much as I used to because I know my limitations better. In a way, that's also counting spoons. But the other day someone expressed concern at me because I was so tired, and I started to laugh.
I am always tired.
The times I wake up rested, refreshed, and capable of being just like other people are rare. It's normal for me to wake up tired, and when my life is a little crazier (like now) it's normal to wake up exhausted, to want to go back to bed and sleep for another five hours. I can't do that, most days. I have a job and a life and things that need doing, and I have to make compromises. Sometimes that compromise is not eating dinner, because I cannot make my body want food when it's exhausted, and I cannot find the energy to cook it if I could. Other times it's doing housework, or being as professional in my job as I would like to be, or smiling one more time at something someone says because my face just won't move anymore.
Counting spoons is a funny thing; you learn to do it subconsciously and you have good days and you enjoy them. And then someone makes a random comment at you and you realise your life is utterly different from theirs, even if they know you live with illnesses. Sometimes it's being asked to do something that's considered "reasonable" that would for me be a huge effort. (My family is fond of doing these type things: "...but can't you go pick up [this thing], it's only a mile from your house!")
Today is a day where I am aware I do not have the spoons required for the things I need to do, among them going to work. I cannot not go to work, so I will borrow spoons against tomorrow, but that isn't something I can do endlessly.
This is my life, my normal, and likely to stay that way. Considering the things I have, I'm actually lucky, I've been told, that I'm capable of independent living and sustaining a career, and that's nice to know, but it also just makes life hard. My life is harder than the average person's, and so yeah, I'm tired, and I have to count my spoons.