(no subject)
I just got back from meeting snarkybleu for coffee. This was the first time I'd seen her in about two weeks.
Seeing her, I felt a variety of things. Excited, nervous, anticipatory, giddy. What would it be like? Would we stumble over our words (get her words out!)? Would we fall back into old, comfortable rhythms? Would there be any awkwardness or discomfort?
I agonized just a bit over what to wear? This wasn't a date but I still wanted to look pleasing. I settled on not changing out of what I'd worn to work. I brushed my teeth, pulled a comb through my hair, applied lip gloss and that was that.
Walking up to her, I enveloped her in a hug. It felt so good to hold her. To feel her. To breathe her in. My arms wrapped around her and I felt, for a moment, like no time had passed. I felt at peace and at home in her embrace.
We went inside and I ordered an iced chai tea latte and a piece of their low-fat chocolate chip banana coffee cake. (Note: said coffee cake does NOT taste low-fat. I had only one bite.) Outside, we staked our claim to a table and I borrowed an ashtray from two girls who preferred to ash on the pavement. We began to smoke and talk. I watched her face. I drank in her expressions and her mannerisms. So many tiny, little things I had missed about her. All of which were brought home, ever so bittersweetly, to me this evening.
I feel as if I was given my heart's desire only to have it ripped cruely and callously from me. All I can think is, IT ISN'T FAIR!!! I want to rant and rail at the Universe. I want to throw myself on the ground and have a good old fashioned temper tantrum. I wish to flail my arms, kick my feet, pull out tufts of grass, beat the earth til my hands are bloody and raw. I repeat, it isn't fucking fair!!! I realize I haven't known her long at all. It'll be only three months on June 24th. Yet I feel as if I've known her for so much longer. The depth and breadth of my emotions have caught me off guard more times than I can count. It isn't rational. It isn't sane. Worst of all, it isn't practical. Yet, my breath still catches, my heart still races and my skin still tingles.
Upon meeting her, I felt an almost instantaneous connection. We clicked on so many levels. Things felt so natural. So right. So comfortable. The rush was incredible. I'd been waiting so long to share something like this with another woman. It sounds incredibly cliche, but being with her felt like Christmas & my birthday rolled into one. A special holiday just for me.
Can I just be friends with her? I'd like to try. Can I? How hard will it be? Can I be in love with her and be her freind yet not share an intimate relationship with her? I realize there are different levels of intimacy. Not all are physical but that is what separates friends from lovers, is it not? I was in a relationship, years ago, with a woman with whom there was no sexual intimacy whatsoever. It was frustrating, to say the least.
I didn't want to leave the coffee shop. I smoked way too many cigarettes trying to prolong our time together. We hugged goodbye and she walked me to my car where we hugged yet again. Burrowing my face in her neck and breathing her in was nearly my undoing. The soft skin of her neck felt so right against my lips.
I love you, Keeley.
Seeing her, I felt a variety of things. Excited, nervous, anticipatory, giddy. What would it be like? Would we stumble over our words (get her words out!)? Would we fall back into old, comfortable rhythms? Would there be any awkwardness or discomfort?
I agonized just a bit over what to wear? This wasn't a date but I still wanted to look pleasing. I settled on not changing out of what I'd worn to work. I brushed my teeth, pulled a comb through my hair, applied lip gloss and that was that.
Walking up to her, I enveloped her in a hug. It felt so good to hold her. To feel her. To breathe her in. My arms wrapped around her and I felt, for a moment, like no time had passed. I felt at peace and at home in her embrace.
We went inside and I ordered an iced chai tea latte and a piece of their low-fat chocolate chip banana coffee cake. (Note: said coffee cake does NOT taste low-fat. I had only one bite.) Outside, we staked our claim to a table and I borrowed an ashtray from two girls who preferred to ash on the pavement. We began to smoke and talk. I watched her face. I drank in her expressions and her mannerisms. So many tiny, little things I had missed about her. All of which were brought home, ever so bittersweetly, to me this evening.
I feel as if I was given my heart's desire only to have it ripped cruely and callously from me. All I can think is, IT ISN'T FAIR!!! I want to rant and rail at the Universe. I want to throw myself on the ground and have a good old fashioned temper tantrum. I wish to flail my arms, kick my feet, pull out tufts of grass, beat the earth til my hands are bloody and raw. I repeat, it isn't fucking fair!!! I realize I haven't known her long at all. It'll be only three months on June 24th. Yet I feel as if I've known her for so much longer. The depth and breadth of my emotions have caught me off guard more times than I can count. It isn't rational. It isn't sane. Worst of all, it isn't practical. Yet, my breath still catches, my heart still races and my skin still tingles.
Upon meeting her, I felt an almost instantaneous connection. We clicked on so many levels. Things felt so natural. So right. So comfortable. The rush was incredible. I'd been waiting so long to share something like this with another woman. It sounds incredibly cliche, but being with her felt like Christmas & my birthday rolled into one. A special holiday just for me.
Can I just be friends with her? I'd like to try. Can I? How hard will it be? Can I be in love with her and be her freind yet not share an intimate relationship with her? I realize there are different levels of intimacy. Not all are physical but that is what separates friends from lovers, is it not? I was in a relationship, years ago, with a woman with whom there was no sexual intimacy whatsoever. It was frustrating, to say the least.
I didn't want to leave the coffee shop. I smoked way too many cigarettes trying to prolong our time together. We hugged goodbye and she walked me to my car where we hugged yet again. Burrowing my face in her neck and breathing her in was nearly my undoing. The soft skin of her neck felt so right against my lips.
I love you, Keeley.