"But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death."
What an epiphany!
I can't believe it was right in front of me the whole time.
I'm graduating with an associates degree as an education practitioner. And then going to the New York Film Academy.
Everything I want is there. I'm in New York, I'm writing scripts, editing film, taking acting courses, and EXPRESSING MYSELF.
If I'm going to spend thousands of dollars, work myself into tears and finally whore myself to a company that's going to use me for all I'm worth, its going to be in New York, in this school.
It's not too late. No matter what I tell myself or what others are saying.
For anyone who's thinking of quitting and starting over and realizing what you want and doing it because YOU love it, I say do it. QUIT. It's ok. Because you're living the life you want, and ultimately, the people that are telling you to keep going on this eventual path of misery have done it themselves and have proved that they are nothing but miserable people as well, and the only reason they're giving you their "great" advice is because misery loves company.
I'm going to be an actress. Or an editor. Or a director. But whatever I'm going to be doing (all of them is my goal), I'm going to be fucking amazing.
I'm sick of spending my time convincing myself I want to do these careers that aren't for me. Yes, it is important to have money. It's important to eat and have shelter. But I've lacked all of these before and I'm still here and I have experienced what happiness is.
I don't know how selfish this is. To have used my financial aid for 3 years at a school pursuing a major I'm not pursuing anymore. To leave my mother for New York when I know she will be lonely and miss me often. I understand that any relationship I'm in will be a struggle if I start something here in New Jersey, and that ultimately if I have to pick that person or my film studies, I'll pick the latter. But I can't live for other people anymore.I love them and care for them, but I can't live for them.
I watched The Hours today with Roseanne. That movie put me in such a weird mood, not that it inspired this whole entry, but it helped me to realize a lot of things and put this whole year in perspective. Whether it came to death, relationships, lesbianism and self interest, it made sense. And I can't feel bad about how I feel anymore.
In the hours, this woman Laura Brown, a 1950s house wife grows tired of her perfect husband and can't stand the idea of having another child she doesn't want to be a mother to. She leaves for Canada where she becomes a librarian. How could a mother and a wife leave behind her family for her own greedy wants? What about what they want? And she says it best:
"It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.
"
-Laura Brown (Julianne Moore)
People live for what they live for. My Dad lived for music and drinking. He knew it would destroy him, he knew it hurt his family, and ruined his work and to everyone else it was unhealthy and self destructive. Physically it destroyed him. But he did things his way. He did things the way he wanted to. He knew how it would turn out and he did it anyway. Even now wherever he is, I don't think he regrets a damn thing. I miss him so much and I know he won't be here for things that I want him to be here for or do the things that I want to do with him. But he doesn't regret it, and I don't resent him for it. I can't because, I'm not afraid anymore and I understand. People are only afraid of things they don't understand.
I OWN MY LIFE, my car, my disease, my house, my movie collection, my friendships, my responsibilities, and my body. I own all of this. How amazing!
In a weird way, I want to live the way he lived. I want to know that the things I love, my vices and my addictions will ultimately destroy me, but that my passion for them is so profound that it ascends all the misery that people put themselves through to live normal "healthy" life styles. Lifestyles of denial and envy, self-deception and loathing.
I'm not going to be a zombie, dead on my feet and on the same track everyday of my boring life.
I feel awake.
I understand what life and death are and I'm choosing life, for better or for worse.
I know that you'll nod your head at this and agree or shake your head and think it's a mad person's rambling. But I know I'm not crazy. And I know that if you don't agree it's you who's the crazy one and when you do understand, I'll be here waiting to see how life's going for you.
I love all of you.
I can't believe it was right in front of me the whole time.
I'm graduating with an associates degree as an education practitioner. And then going to the New York Film Academy.
Everything I want is there. I'm in New York, I'm writing scripts, editing film, taking acting courses, and EXPRESSING MYSELF.
If I'm going to spend thousands of dollars, work myself into tears and finally whore myself to a company that's going to use me for all I'm worth, its going to be in New York, in this school.
It's not too late. No matter what I tell myself or what others are saying.
For anyone who's thinking of quitting and starting over and realizing what you want and doing it because YOU love it, I say do it. QUIT. It's ok. Because you're living the life you want, and ultimately, the people that are telling you to keep going on this eventual path of misery have done it themselves and have proved that they are nothing but miserable people as well, and the only reason they're giving you their "great" advice is because misery loves company.
I'm going to be an actress. Or an editor. Or a director. But whatever I'm going to be doing (all of them is my goal), I'm going to be fucking amazing.
I'm sick of spending my time convincing myself I want to do these careers that aren't for me. Yes, it is important to have money. It's important to eat and have shelter. But I've lacked all of these before and I'm still here and I have experienced what happiness is.
I don't know how selfish this is. To have used my financial aid for 3 years at a school pursuing a major I'm not pursuing anymore. To leave my mother for New York when I know she will be lonely and miss me often. I understand that any relationship I'm in will be a struggle if I start something here in New Jersey, and that ultimately if I have to pick that person or my film studies, I'll pick the latter. But I can't live for other people anymore.I love them and care for them, but I can't live for them.
I watched The Hours today with Roseanne. That movie put me in such a weird mood, not that it inspired this whole entry, but it helped me to realize a lot of things and put this whole year in perspective. Whether it came to death, relationships, lesbianism and self interest, it made sense. And I can't feel bad about how I feel anymore.
In the hours, this woman Laura Brown, a 1950s house wife grows tired of her perfect husband and can't stand the idea of having another child she doesn't want to be a mother to. She leaves for Canada where she becomes a librarian. How could a mother and a wife leave behind her family for her own greedy wants? What about what they want? And she says it best:
"It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.
"
-Laura Brown (Julianne Moore)
People live for what they live for. My Dad lived for music and drinking. He knew it would destroy him, he knew it hurt his family, and ruined his work and to everyone else it was unhealthy and self destructive. Physically it destroyed him. But he did things his way. He did things the way he wanted to. He knew how it would turn out and he did it anyway. Even now wherever he is, I don't think he regrets a damn thing. I miss him so much and I know he won't be here for things that I want him to be here for or do the things that I want to do with him. But he doesn't regret it, and I don't resent him for it. I can't because, I'm not afraid anymore and I understand. People are only afraid of things they don't understand.
I OWN MY LIFE, my car, my disease, my house, my movie collection, my friendships, my responsibilities, and my body. I own all of this. How amazing!
In a weird way, I want to live the way he lived. I want to know that the things I love, my vices and my addictions will ultimately destroy me, but that my passion for them is so profound that it ascends all the misery that people put themselves through to live normal "healthy" life styles. Lifestyles of denial and envy, self-deception and loathing.
I'm not going to be a zombie, dead on my feet and on the same track everyday of my boring life.
I feel awake.
I understand what life and death are and I'm choosing life, for better or for worse.
I know that you'll nod your head at this and agree or shake your head and think it's a mad person's rambling. But I know I'm not crazy. And I know that if you don't agree it's you who's the crazy one and when you do understand, I'll be here waiting to see how life's going for you.
I love all of you.