He's a liar and I'm a sucker. We're both bad but we're worse at love
Forget it. Forget what I said. I was a fool to think I could make this work.
It's like he's a different person one minute to the next. He goes from being sooo insanely sweet and thoughtful to being cold, detatched and insensitive in such a short amount of time that it makes me think I did something wrong. But when I ask if he's ok or ask if I did or said something wrong he says I didn't...
At the beginning of the night (any given night) he'll whine to me about how he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me. That he feels terrible about hurting me so badly in the past. (I mean fuck 8 YEARS! 8 years of my life. We've been playing these games and going back and forth with each other for 8 God Damn years. I DO want it to stop but I really don't think I know how.)
So he tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. And like so many times before I explained to him the thing he ALWAYS does to hurt me is that he makes me feel used.
I know we aren't together and probably never will be again. I'm not expecting that. I'm SORRY that I'm such a fucking chick about this and I can't believe I'm admitting this outside of my own head but: AFTER SEX WITH HIM I FEEL VULNERABLE. I WANT TO DO THINGS I DON'T NORMALLY DO, LIKE TALK AND BE HELD. I EXPECT TO BE KISSED AND REASSURED! Whatever fine. I don't expect or want an "I love you" or anything. But when I lay my head on his chest he moves his hands away so he's not even touching me. I literally have to steal kisses from him and he kisses me like how someone would kiss their sister...
and it's fucked because BEFORE we sleep together he is SO all about holding and kissing me. I swear once he cums it's like a switch goes off in his brain.
Last night he did something he's never done. He left after. Like right after. No hug goodbye. Nothing. He just vanished. How could you tell someone you don't want to hurt them, then do exactly what you KNOW will hurt them? And the bigger question is why have I continued to come back for more all these years? I just want to let go and I don't get why I can't.
It's like he's a different person one minute to the next. He goes from being sooo insanely sweet and thoughtful to being cold, detatched and insensitive in such a short amount of time that it makes me think I did something wrong. But when I ask if he's ok or ask if I did or said something wrong he says I didn't...
At the beginning of the night (any given night) he'll whine to me about how he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me. That he feels terrible about hurting me so badly in the past. (I mean fuck 8 YEARS! 8 years of my life. We've been playing these games and going back and forth with each other for 8 God Damn years. I DO want it to stop but I really don't think I know how.)
So he tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. And like so many times before I explained to him the thing he ALWAYS does to hurt me is that he makes me feel used.
I know we aren't together and probably never will be again. I'm not expecting that. I'm SORRY that I'm such a fucking chick about this and I can't believe I'm admitting this outside of my own head but: AFTER SEX WITH HIM I FEEL VULNERABLE. I WANT TO DO THINGS I DON'T NORMALLY DO, LIKE TALK AND BE HELD. I EXPECT TO BE KISSED AND REASSURED! Whatever fine. I don't expect or want an "I love you" or anything. But when I lay my head on his chest he moves his hands away so he's not even touching me. I literally have to steal kisses from him and he kisses me like how someone would kiss their sister...
and it's fucked because BEFORE we sleep together he is SO all about holding and kissing me. I swear once he cums it's like a switch goes off in his brain.
Last night he did something he's never done. He left after. Like right after. No hug goodbye. Nothing. He just vanished. How could you tell someone you don't want to hurt them, then do exactly what you KNOW will hurt them? And the bigger question is why have I continued to come back for more all these years? I just want to let go and I don't get why I can't.