::shrug::

[vdarkimmortalv]

I can't say that I feel much like writing right now, or much else for that matter, like taking the next breath. I am so cold right now, both inside and out. I used to feel warm when I went to bed, but that feeling has since passed and I wish it hadn't. I wish a lot of things, but that never seems to do any good. I have noticed that over the past couple of days I have made random cryptic comments to people, just to be humorous, or what not, but at times I feel them to be true, true deep within my being. I am not happy with life or the things in it any longer. I have lost the motivation I had at the beginning of the year and any sort of desire to amount to anything or even look at my dreams and goals the same way. Everything has changed on me and there isn't anything I can do about it. You can plan ahead, plan for your future, but there is no guarentee that it will happen or turn out remotely like you hoped. I never foresaw this mulitude of change, not in the least. So now I am faced with uncertainty, I have to find a place to live, I have to find a car, a job or another one to add to the existing one I have, just to make ends meet. I have to do this all very soon. I am 30 and don't have anything to show for from this life. Seems I ruin all I touch. I had a wife, her family, a home and transportation, and I walked away from it all cause I wasn't happy and severely depressed. For a while, when I was in the process of moving back to Carrollton, I felt as though life was looking up for me and that God was there in my life again and that He was providing me with great opportunities. But I am not so sure now, I just feel as if I am damned to a life of solitude and misery, cause I feel as though all I try to cherish just crumbles away. I just wish to wither away. I no longer see a future for me. I don't want to become homeless cause I can't cope with life. My life has always constisted of unsteady jobs, depression and a longing for something, and that something is randomness, nothing specific to fill in the blank. I do not wish to live like this, I do not wish to live with this pain on a daily basis. My head is not clear and my heart dies more everyday. At times I wonder a little more about hospitalization, I know it's a crutch, but I do not know how to cope with things right now. It all seems so chaotic and life so dull.

[it just started snowing here]