open up your heart, what do you feel?
the following will probably not make much sense at all. but you wouldn't expect any less from me, would you?
about everything.
about studying in london, and how it probably won't happen. i keep saying that it won't happen so that maybe i can trick myself into not being completely crushed when the lady says that i'm not eligible. but i know that it doesn't matter what i say to people. i'm going to be so disappointed.
about how people would always be like "what's your greatest fear?" and i'd be all loneliness and failure. which is absolutely fucking hilarious because all i do is find reasons to distance myself from people around me, and give up without fucking trying. i have three incompletes on my transcript. i am 80% sure i will not be eligible to apply to study abroad in london, but still i hope like hell because it's something that i want so badly.
about being friends with louis. a few days ago, i had a really bad day. and true to form, i contacted him even though i had been trying not to all day long. which isn't healthy, i don't think. for 2 years straight i've come to him on my bad days, talked to him, and more often than not felt better. and it's pretty clear that i've become quite dependent on him. i messaged him and he said that if i missed him so much i should just talk to him. and i didn't know how to tell him that i don't know if that would be good for me. so i didn't. we've spoken every day since and i'd be lying if i didn't say i've felt better. but i don't know if this is "oh i'm healing" better, or "sliding back into the way things were" better. i really don't know.
about this image becca posted on the prompt thread on lpf a few days ago. about how i've been telling cami and darby and john that people will treat you as badly as you let them. if you give them no reason to respect you, they won't. if you take shit from them, they will continue to give you shit. and it's not one-sided. i know it's more complicated than that. but i feel like i should be accepting no less than what i deserve from people.
about the entry a friend posted earlier, about promises and the past and love and how things change and maybe just maybe even regretting the way things went down. and reading that entry made me feel so hollow, not just for my friend and his pain, but a very selfish pain. i couldn't help but think the last time someone made promises like that to me, the last time anyone loved me that much, it was genne. 2004. no one else has wanted a future with me. no one has ever said the things she said to me. and i know promises are bullshit and are rarely if ever kept, but to have someone be so completely in love with me that they would think to make said promises... i've forgotten what that's like. to be valuable, irreplaceable.
about how i don't want to feel like i'm not doing anything anymore. i don't want to feel like i haven't done anything, like i'll never do anything.
about how i want to stop feeling worthless because i know that i am not. to be continued.
about everything.
about studying in london, and how it probably won't happen. i keep saying that it won't happen so that maybe i can trick myself into not being completely crushed when the lady says that i'm not eligible. but i know that it doesn't matter what i say to people. i'm going to be so disappointed.
about how people would always be like "what's your greatest fear?" and i'd be all loneliness and failure. which is absolutely fucking hilarious because all i do is find reasons to distance myself from people around me, and give up without fucking trying. i have three incompletes on my transcript. i am 80% sure i will not be eligible to apply to study abroad in london, but still i hope like hell because it's something that i want so badly.
about being friends with louis. a few days ago, i had a really bad day. and true to form, i contacted him even though i had been trying not to all day long. which isn't healthy, i don't think. for 2 years straight i've come to him on my bad days, talked to him, and more often than not felt better. and it's pretty clear that i've become quite dependent on him. i messaged him and he said that if i missed him so much i should just talk to him. and i didn't know how to tell him that i don't know if that would be good for me. so i didn't. we've spoken every day since and i'd be lying if i didn't say i've felt better. but i don't know if this is "oh i'm healing" better, or "sliding back into the way things were" better. i really don't know.
about this image becca posted on the prompt thread on lpf a few days ago. about how i've been telling cami and darby and john that people will treat you as badly as you let them. if you give them no reason to respect you, they won't. if you take shit from them, they will continue to give you shit. and it's not one-sided. i know it's more complicated than that. but i feel like i should be accepting no less than what i deserve from people.
about the entry a friend posted earlier, about promises and the past and love and how things change and maybe just maybe even regretting the way things went down. and reading that entry made me feel so hollow, not just for my friend and his pain, but a very selfish pain. i couldn't help but think the last time someone made promises like that to me, the last time anyone loved me that much, it was genne. 2004. no one else has wanted a future with me. no one has ever said the things she said to me. and i know promises are bullshit and are rarely if ever kept, but to have someone be so completely in love with me that they would think to make said promises... i've forgotten what that's like. to be valuable, irreplaceable.
about how i don't want to feel like i'm not doing anything anymore. i don't want to feel like i haven't done anything, like i'll never do anything.
about how i want to stop feeling worthless because i know that i am not. to be continued.