day 12: (and it could happen to you...)
i hesitated before i answered, because i always hesitate before i answer his calls. sometimes i need to mentally prepare myself for the bullshit that's about to come. sometimes there is no way to prepare myself. this was one of the latter times.
first off, he was drunk. but he wasn't like, wasted and being a jackass, so i gave him a pass. because you know what? i drink now, and there's a difference between being a drunk asshole and just chilling out and having a drink. so i listened to him ramble about whatever, and towards the end of the conversation, he asked if i had food. i wasn't about to lie ((fact of life number 98473: tracie doesn't lie when it comes to hunger)) so i informed him of my predicament.
my predicament: i get a $75 check from my uncle at the end of every month. when my mom deposits said check, she usually tops another 25 so i'll have an even hundred. my grandparents give me a $100 at the beginning of each month, for food and shit. i don't have a job, and this is my only income, so things are tight, (esp. now that i've pretty much maxed out my visa, but i did not inform him of this) and since my mom rallies the troops ((where troops = herself, my sister, my dad, my grandma)) to scrape together and put in on my $675 rent every month in the summer (my financial aid covers it the rest of the year), i didn't feel right bothering anyone about little shit like being hungry at the end of the month. and, if we're being totally honest here, i'm not very smart with my money. when i run out, it's my own fault and i suffer the consequences like i deserve to. also, did i forget to mention how my sister's taking me to the fucking caribbean at the end of this month and i'm not paying a fucking dime because i can't afford to?
my predicament, in shorter terms: i get money at the beginning of the month. if i can't make it last between deposits, i don't really let myself complain about it, because i know that i'm spoiled as shit and can survive those last few days. plus, i wouldn't feel right asking any of the aforementioned sources of income to fix my fuck-ups, you know? esp. since they have their own financial problems independent of me.
so he goes off on this rant about how i need to stop acting like a man about it (he was drunk and i gave him a pass on this particular bullshit gender stereotyping comment) and ask for help when i need it. and i mean, he goes on and on about it, about how he couldn't get help when he was my age, but how i don't need to do that, because i have him. now, i don't actually know his situation, but i do know that it involves a second mortgage being taken out on the house and i'm pretty sure he's not working right now, not to mention health problems and how he's always tired and always stressed out and always pouring over some papers and frowning. i just know i don't ask my dad for money, if i can at all avoid it. but after some undeterminate minutes of him talkingtalkingtalking about it (and me vaguely paying attention but mostly IMing cndy), he agreed that he would rustle up some money for me. he also told me i need a new suitcase (and rly, thank goodness he informed me because i didn't even notice how mine was falling the fuck apart on my way back from the airport last month, eyeroll), and told me all this shit about how he wants the best for me.
a few days later, i went out and bought a new suitcase with my newly deposited money, because i knew that my dad would be putting money in soon enough and shit would even out. i was even thinking about new flip flops (the current ones are falling apart, and i've had to resort to the ones that are about 3 sizes too large) and getting my fro trimmed (shit is uneven) and maybe looking for sales on bathing suits because i need a new set! perhaps even a one-piece!
and then he called to tell me that it would take a bit longer than he'd anticipated to get me the money. which i figured to mean a week or so, but i was fine with that because grandma still hadn't put in my deposit for the month and i would survive just fine without it.
well. mom didn't give me an extra 25 this month and grandma only deposited 50.
and i'm staring at my new suitcase and my stomach is rumbling and my eyes sting and i'm so fucking pissed off that i listened to him. he was drunk and he always has big ideals about what he wants to do and changes he wants to make and who he wants to start beign when he's drunk. and i always fucking fall for it.
i guess i'm mostly just angry with myself. none of this is new. but i always want it to be. i always want to be surprised when he pulls this kind of shit, but it's not a surprise. he still owes my mom an undisclosed amount of money for never paying his half of my plane tickets. it's just. he wasn't always this fucking irresponsible, you know? it's hard, even after something like 4 years of this bullshit, to remember not to trust him.
i don't want to have a shitty birthday month. i should be hanging out with people and having fun but everything costs so much money and i'm just trying to sleep as much as i can so that i don't have to eat more than 2 meals a day. and i was thinking this afternoon about how i want to have a birthday dinner/kickback/smokeout thing here in berkeley before i leave for the caribbean, just to spend time with my bay bbs, you know? but i'm thinking i won't be able to afford it at all, now. not now that i'm trying to think of the cheapest ways to eat all month.
did i mention how i owe caitlyn something like $300, from that time she convinced me to join her cult? but i'm really not stressing over that because honestly, it feels like she pressured me to say yes and in a moment of weakness i did, and not she's the one who's out 300 bucks. i don't feel much remorse for her in particular, but i am a womyn of my word and i plan to pay her back when i can. but i'm not going to those damnass trainings and she can kiss my ass.
and getting a job at this point would be nothing but a huge waste of time, considering that by the time i convince anyone to hire my inexperienced ass, i'll be leaving for a month and a half.
i feel like i'm constantly trying to quietly make myself less of a burden for people and mostly just end up inevitably fucking myself over. i don't know. whatever. i don't want to talk about it anymore.
//edit:called my mom. told her everything. after a lot of silence she told me that it wasn't worth crying over and that in a week or so someone will probably be able to help me. she said it's not like they'd let me starve, and that's really, really not my concern.
my concern is that running out of money for this month is really the problem. it's a symptom of a much huger problem, a problem of me not being able to handle my own shit. and, what? i'm just gonna magically learn how to be better at everything in life by the time i graduate (if i graduate)? the problem is that i'm going to be 21 in 21 days and i can't get my shit together. i'm supposed to be considered an adult but i can't do simple shit like feed myself for a month.
it's really past time for this shit to end.
first off, he was drunk. but he wasn't like, wasted and being a jackass, so i gave him a pass. because you know what? i drink now, and there's a difference between being a drunk asshole and just chilling out and having a drink. so i listened to him ramble about whatever, and towards the end of the conversation, he asked if i had food. i wasn't about to lie ((fact of life number 98473: tracie doesn't lie when it comes to hunger)) so i informed him of my predicament.
my predicament: i get a $75 check from my uncle at the end of every month. when my mom deposits said check, she usually tops another 25 so i'll have an even hundred. my grandparents give me a $100 at the beginning of each month, for food and shit. i don't have a job, and this is my only income, so things are tight, (esp. now that i've pretty much maxed out my visa, but i did not inform him of this) and since my mom rallies the troops ((where troops = herself, my sister, my dad, my grandma)) to scrape together and put in on my $675 rent every month in the summer (my financial aid covers it the rest of the year), i didn't feel right bothering anyone about little shit like being hungry at the end of the month. and, if we're being totally honest here, i'm not very smart with my money. when i run out, it's my own fault and i suffer the consequences like i deserve to. also, did i forget to mention how my sister's taking me to the fucking caribbean at the end of this month and i'm not paying a fucking dime because i can't afford to?
my predicament, in shorter terms: i get money at the beginning of the month. if i can't make it last between deposits, i don't really let myself complain about it, because i know that i'm spoiled as shit and can survive those last few days. plus, i wouldn't feel right asking any of the aforementioned sources of income to fix my fuck-ups, you know? esp. since they have their own financial problems independent of me.
so he goes off on this rant about how i need to stop acting like a man about it (he was drunk and i gave him a pass on this particular bullshit gender stereotyping comment) and ask for help when i need it. and i mean, he goes on and on about it, about how he couldn't get help when he was my age, but how i don't need to do that, because i have him. now, i don't actually know his situation, but i do know that it involves a second mortgage being taken out on the house and i'm pretty sure he's not working right now, not to mention health problems and how he's always tired and always stressed out and always pouring over some papers and frowning. i just know i don't ask my dad for money, if i can at all avoid it. but after some undeterminate minutes of him talkingtalkingtalking about it (and me vaguely paying attention but mostly IMing cndy), he agreed that he would rustle up some money for me. he also told me i need a new suitcase (and rly, thank goodness he informed me because i didn't even notice how mine was falling the fuck apart on my way back from the airport last month, eyeroll), and told me all this shit about how he wants the best for me.
a few days later, i went out and bought a new suitcase with my newly deposited money, because i knew that my dad would be putting money in soon enough and shit would even out. i was even thinking about new flip flops (the current ones are falling apart, and i've had to resort to the ones that are about 3 sizes too large) and getting my fro trimmed (shit is uneven) and maybe looking for sales on bathing suits because i need a new set! perhaps even a one-piece!
and then he called to tell me that it would take a bit longer than he'd anticipated to get me the money. which i figured to mean a week or so, but i was fine with that because grandma still hadn't put in my deposit for the month and i would survive just fine without it.
well. mom didn't give me an extra 25 this month and grandma only deposited 50.
and i'm staring at my new suitcase and my stomach is rumbling and my eyes sting and i'm so fucking pissed off that i listened to him. he was drunk and he always has big ideals about what he wants to do and changes he wants to make and who he wants to start beign when he's drunk. and i always fucking fall for it.
i guess i'm mostly just angry with myself. none of this is new. but i always want it to be. i always want to be surprised when he pulls this kind of shit, but it's not a surprise. he still owes my mom an undisclosed amount of money for never paying his half of my plane tickets. it's just. he wasn't always this fucking irresponsible, you know? it's hard, even after something like 4 years of this bullshit, to remember not to trust him.
i don't want to have a shitty birthday month. i should be hanging out with people and having fun but everything costs so much money and i'm just trying to sleep as much as i can so that i don't have to eat more than 2 meals a day. and i was thinking this afternoon about how i want to have a birthday dinner/kickback/smokeout thing here in berkeley before i leave for the caribbean, just to spend time with my bay bbs, you know? but i'm thinking i won't be able to afford it at all, now. not now that i'm trying to think of the cheapest ways to eat all month.
did i mention how i owe caitlyn something like $300, from that time she convinced me to join her cult? but i'm really not stressing over that because honestly, it feels like she pressured me to say yes and in a moment of weakness i did, and not she's the one who's out 300 bucks. i don't feel much remorse for her in particular, but i am a womyn of my word and i plan to pay her back when i can. but i'm not going to those damnass trainings and she can kiss my ass.
and getting a job at this point would be nothing but a huge waste of time, considering that by the time i convince anyone to hire my inexperienced ass, i'll be leaving for a month and a half.
i feel like i'm constantly trying to quietly make myself less of a burden for people and mostly just end up inevitably fucking myself over. i don't know. whatever. i don't want to talk about it anymore.
//edit:called my mom. told her everything. after a lot of silence she told me that it wasn't worth crying over and that in a week or so someone will probably be able to help me. she said it's not like they'd let me starve, and that's really, really not my concern.
my concern is that running out of money for this month is really the problem. it's a symptom of a much huger problem, a problem of me not being able to handle my own shit. and, what? i'm just gonna magically learn how to be better at everything in life by the time i graduate (if i graduate)? the problem is that i'm going to be 21 in 21 days and i can't get my shit together. i'm supposed to be considered an adult but i can't do simple shit like feed myself for a month.
it's really past time for this shit to end.