day 1: i can tell when i look in your big brown eyes
so like. i've been feeling downish for a couple of days now. i don't really know how to explain it, so i won't try, but it's kinda sucked. had a hellish nightmare about my family the other night and i went for a walk, and ended up sitting outside my favorite bakery, reading old journal entries and waiting for the place to open. and imagine my surprise when i found the entries from the beginning of this year! so fucking optimistic and excited about what 2009 had in store. i don't know what happened to that optimism, but i want it back. this feeling ugly business really just isn't going to fly.
i always say that summer is my favorite season, and i always look forward to it like crazy, but my last 3 summers have been shit; let's not lie. from Heartbeak 2008 to Failboat 2007 to Bullshit with Dad 2006, i really haven't been so good at this relaxing shit. but i really want to do better at, like, everything. i want to go on adventures and have dinners and get-togethers and laugh and have fun.
this, though, is where the self-esteem issue comes into play, because i'm feeling kind of insecure. and by kind of insecure i mean: i think all of my fics are shit and have no motivation to write, i think no one wants to talk to (much less hang out with) me, and i think all of my lj entries are pointless and stop writing them halfway through. and like, i know that's just me fucking with myself, but that doesn't make it any easier to move past. and then there's the friendships that i've kinda fucked up in and not done anything about because it's easier to just let it all fall apart than try to fix it (or end it altogether).
and i'm steady acting like i'm actually going to the caribbean. when i went to get my passport earlier this month and showed them my birth certificate they were like LOL WE DON'T TAKE THOSE ANYMORE and told me about this whole bullshit process i had to go through to get the proper papers or whatthefuckever and i guess i should have communicated better but my dad thought he found the right paper and it took approximately 7 years to get here only for us to find it's the wrong shit and we need to go through that stupid process after all. and our flight leaves in fucking one month and i still don't have my birth certificate so i still don't have a passport and if i don't get to go i'm gonna be so fucking pissed, seriously.
and, uh. this entry was supposed to be about me turning a new leaf and being more optimistic but now i just have a stomach ache and i'm stressing out. so. have a great day? D=
p.s. POST FOR A MONTH STARTING... NOW.
//edit: new AIM sn: afrosandrainbows. AIM me!
i always say that summer is my favorite season, and i always look forward to it like crazy, but my last 3 summers have been shit; let's not lie. from Heartbeak 2008 to Failboat 2007 to Bullshit with Dad 2006, i really haven't been so good at this relaxing shit. but i really want to do better at, like, everything. i want to go on adventures and have dinners and get-togethers and laugh and have fun.
this, though, is where the self-esteem issue comes into play, because i'm feeling kind of insecure. and by kind of insecure i mean: i think all of my fics are shit and have no motivation to write, i think no one wants to talk to (much less hang out with) me, and i think all of my lj entries are pointless and stop writing them halfway through. and like, i know that's just me fucking with myself, but that doesn't make it any easier to move past. and then there's the friendships that i've kinda fucked up in and not done anything about because it's easier to just let it all fall apart than try to fix it (or end it altogether).
and i'm steady acting like i'm actually going to the caribbean. when i went to get my passport earlier this month and showed them my birth certificate they were like LOL WE DON'T TAKE THOSE ANYMORE and told me about this whole bullshit process i had to go through to get the proper papers or whatthefuckever and i guess i should have communicated better but my dad thought he found the right paper and it took approximately 7 years to get here only for us to find it's the wrong shit and we need to go through that stupid process after all. and our flight leaves in fucking one month and i still don't have my birth certificate so i still don't have a passport and if i don't get to go i'm gonna be so fucking pissed, seriously.
and, uh. this entry was supposed to be about me turning a new leaf and being more optimistic but now i just have a stomach ache and i'm stressing out. so. have a great day? D=
p.s. POST FOR A MONTH STARTING... NOW.
//edit: new AIM sn: afrosandrainbows. AIM me!