we are here to witness.

[vagabondesque]

saturday night, in a dream, i saw james, slumped, dead, against a wall.  it's an image i haven't been able to forget, down to the smallest detail, the curve of his toes, the curl of his hair, his eyelashes... i know these parts of him too well, i have too many memories, experiences, to pull from.  my other dreams haven't been much better, though less personal.  last night, i was in a multi-storied house, securing door and window latches, only to look out the screened window of the first floor sunroom to see the black funnel of a monstrous tornado headed directly for me.  i drove to work this morning, all these dreamt images cycling through my head, the images and words of the short french film (la jetée) that i watched last night, the news of genocide in libya and the earthquake deaths in new zealand on the radio, remembering the video-interview accounts i watched in class last night of eugenics-driven forced sterilization during the nazi reign, or the accounts of amputation and death in the work-camps in leninist russia, a news story i read this morning of an equadorian village winning a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against an oil empire for destroying their home, the rising gas prices at every station i pass, and tears spring to my eyes, a hurt in my heart that leaves me feeling shrouded, removed from the world but still subject to the pain.  i'm familiar with this sensitivity brought on by education, but the last times i was in the thick of it i was protected by the romance and beauty of world literature and faith... i'm afraid political science, history and suicide create an entirely different vulnerability, and entirely different reality to live through... there is not much comfort here.  when the protests broke out in egypt, and reporters were being targeted by government thugs, i remembered wanting to be a journalist and photographer in early childhood.  i was never much of a bleeding heart, but something that was stressed moved me greatly: "we are here to witness," the journalists said.

we are all here to witness.  it's a responsibility i am having a difficult time with right now.