an update of sorts, and nola bound in march
i bought plane tix for the kids and i to go to nola for mardi gras.
the plan had been to roadtrip it with mandy, bela, jhonen and izzy. it's a 20 hour drive each way. we'd planned to take a week off, split the cost of a rental car and gas, and the driving shifts. however, mandy was backing out due to money and some mandatory testing at izzy's school that week, and i was nervous bc of the road conditions in march (the snowiest month of the year in colorado). out of desperation i checked flight prices this morning, and while tix for our original dates of wed 3/2- tues 3/8 were around $400 each, tix for tues 3/1-sun 3/6 were half that, so i booked it before they went up. i'm sad that mandy and izzy can't go, but happy that the kids and i still get to, and that we'll spend time with kim and hers. plus, without driving it, i'm only using 4 "personal choice holidays" which means i'll still have a full 10 vacation days remaining (2 weeks).
i texted james' father to let him know i'd be in town, and invited him to meet up for lunch or dinner or something, so that i can get the ring back to him. he texted back and said he'd like that, and to touch base again when it gets closer so we can set a date. he also said he found my old nikon digital camera this week, which is the one thing i'd asked for (not bc i want the camera back, but for the images on it). i may have asked for the key and pocketwatch back, for memory's sake, but his aunt informed me that the key was interred with him, and i'm not sure what happened to the pocketwatch i had engraved for him. maybe i'll be able to ask more questions when i meet with his father. his aunt (on his mother's side) wants to meet the kids, so we're hoping to meet up while i'm there also. i oddly look forward to visiting his tomb. the small comfort of something physical, something tangible, in all the silence and absence of his death. i still talk to him sometimes when i'm driving in the car alone. i tell him that i miss him. it's still hard to separate the chaos and insecurity and the unpredictability that it drove him to, but i really do miss him. i know that it's necessary to accept his choice, his needs, the benefit that death brough to him, the peace, the freedom from pain, and even the eventual peace that it brought to all of us that were left behind, that we won't have to keep trying so hard (at the cost of our own lives) to bring him impossible peace... but sometimes i still can't fathom the infinite silence. i want to leave lilies for him, and a st michael medallion. i want to hug him, though i know that cannot be. i shudder sometimes, imagining his last moments, physically cringe. it doesn't leave, those feelings stay.
jason was here over the weekend. i got stuck in my thursday night medieval women class until 7:50pm, though his flight arrived at 7. luckily, he enjoys people-watching. i had to run bela's things to her at her dad's house on the way back from the airport, then we went to mellow mushroom for a beer and food before going home. i took friday off work, so we took the lightrail to see the nick bantock exhibit (again, in my case), and then to 16th street mall. had lunch at the rialto cafe, and saw "no strings attached." back to littleton, wandered there a bit, and then drove to capitol hill to show him around, hit tattered cover. picked peggy up when she got off work and had dinner at blue bonnet, then parked on north cap hill and walked/took the mall ride to scruffy murphys, where pat met up with us. after a few ciders, we walked back, got the car and headed home. saturday i woke and started laundry, watched a history channel special about wwII bunkers in france, then a movie or two. we wandered the antique mall near my apartment, but the coffee table i'd hoped to buy was already sold. drove to pick up jhonen from his dad's house, and then the three of us went to hops for dinner and to see "the green hornet." on sunday, jhonen and i went to mass and rcia, leaving jason sleeping. when we got home at noon, he'd cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, which rocked. we went to the mercury cafe to meet up with peggy and pat again and had brunch. not much else, really. came back home, except for a quick grocery run, and then we cooked dinner at home. he and jhonen had beef with broc, while i had a garlic chicken/pasta/veggie mix. i made garlic bread with a french loaf, goat cheese mixed green side salads, and we had each picked individual desserts (jhonen had a piece of tres leche cake, i had french cheesecake, and jason had a magic bar, or whatever they're called). i took him back to the airport monday morning after dropping jhonen off at school and before heading in to work. it was a good visit, but i still feel somber, displaced, a little out of touch with life and myself.
i haven't decided on france later this year. i have the money but it really needs to go to paying off my car... if i were being completely responsible about it. emotionally, though, i want to go to france. practically, i ought to pay off the car. :(
mandy and i have continued our tues night dinners at my place. last night was our third in a row, and they are wonderful. we take turns cooking, and we have a beer or a glass of wine together. it's pretty nice. i discovered that izzy likes goat cheese salads, so that's pretty awesome too. my kids are a little more picky (less adventurous) these days, bela especially.
my weeks are going to have to be regimented:
m: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 7pm (both kids)
tu: work, dinner with mandy & kids (both kids)
w: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 7pm (both kids)
th: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 9pm (no kids)
f: work, free night (no kids- this friday, for example, meeting up with cristin for dinner, or see a movie)
sa: solo study day at the library or coffee house (no kids), evening time with jhonen after 6pm
su: rcia 9-12noon, chores and afternoon study time (with jhonen)
oh, and i stuffed 600 envelopes today. bc my dept (accounting) is responsible for sending out tax forms, we had to each stuff stacks of 300 papers (fold them in half, stuff them, and insert a contact slip). my area, billing, had to stuff TWO stacks, so double. it took me 2 hours and 40 minutes of my 5 hour workday, and then i had to go to school for 4 hours. my hands are dry, damaged and peeling. tiny paper cuts that merely flaked the skin, somewhat more ambitious ones that left red lines. we do this once a year, and no one looks forward to it. the big consolation this year was sticky notes hidden in our stacks with letters written on them (A, B, or C). these sticky notes are redeemable for prizes at our "prize party" on friday, corresponding to our letters. members of the billing team, me included, get TWO prizes, while others get one. i sure hope they consider giving us all really good lotion as prizes. :P my hands could use it.
the plan had been to roadtrip it with mandy, bela, jhonen and izzy. it's a 20 hour drive each way. we'd planned to take a week off, split the cost of a rental car and gas, and the driving shifts. however, mandy was backing out due to money and some mandatory testing at izzy's school that week, and i was nervous bc of the road conditions in march (the snowiest month of the year in colorado). out of desperation i checked flight prices this morning, and while tix for our original dates of wed 3/2- tues 3/8 were around $400 each, tix for tues 3/1-sun 3/6 were half that, so i booked it before they went up. i'm sad that mandy and izzy can't go, but happy that the kids and i still get to, and that we'll spend time with kim and hers. plus, without driving it, i'm only using 4 "personal choice holidays" which means i'll still have a full 10 vacation days remaining (2 weeks).
i texted james' father to let him know i'd be in town, and invited him to meet up for lunch or dinner or something, so that i can get the ring back to him. he texted back and said he'd like that, and to touch base again when it gets closer so we can set a date. he also said he found my old nikon digital camera this week, which is the one thing i'd asked for (not bc i want the camera back, but for the images on it). i may have asked for the key and pocketwatch back, for memory's sake, but his aunt informed me that the key was interred with him, and i'm not sure what happened to the pocketwatch i had engraved for him. maybe i'll be able to ask more questions when i meet with his father. his aunt (on his mother's side) wants to meet the kids, so we're hoping to meet up while i'm there also. i oddly look forward to visiting his tomb. the small comfort of something physical, something tangible, in all the silence and absence of his death. i still talk to him sometimes when i'm driving in the car alone. i tell him that i miss him. it's still hard to separate the chaos and insecurity and the unpredictability that it drove him to, but i really do miss him. i know that it's necessary to accept his choice, his needs, the benefit that death brough to him, the peace, the freedom from pain, and even the eventual peace that it brought to all of us that were left behind, that we won't have to keep trying so hard (at the cost of our own lives) to bring him impossible peace... but sometimes i still can't fathom the infinite silence. i want to leave lilies for him, and a st michael medallion. i want to hug him, though i know that cannot be. i shudder sometimes, imagining his last moments, physically cringe. it doesn't leave, those feelings stay.
jason was here over the weekend. i got stuck in my thursday night medieval women class until 7:50pm, though his flight arrived at 7. luckily, he enjoys people-watching. i had to run bela's things to her at her dad's house on the way back from the airport, then we went to mellow mushroom for a beer and food before going home. i took friday off work, so we took the lightrail to see the nick bantock exhibit (again, in my case), and then to 16th street mall. had lunch at the rialto cafe, and saw "no strings attached." back to littleton, wandered there a bit, and then drove to capitol hill to show him around, hit tattered cover. picked peggy up when she got off work and had dinner at blue bonnet, then parked on north cap hill and walked/took the mall ride to scruffy murphys, where pat met up with us. after a few ciders, we walked back, got the car and headed home. saturday i woke and started laundry, watched a history channel special about wwII bunkers in france, then a movie or two. we wandered the antique mall near my apartment, but the coffee table i'd hoped to buy was already sold. drove to pick up jhonen from his dad's house, and then the three of us went to hops for dinner and to see "the green hornet." on sunday, jhonen and i went to mass and rcia, leaving jason sleeping. when we got home at noon, he'd cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, which rocked. we went to the mercury cafe to meet up with peggy and pat again and had brunch. not much else, really. came back home, except for a quick grocery run, and then we cooked dinner at home. he and jhonen had beef with broc, while i had a garlic chicken/pasta/veggie mix. i made garlic bread with a french loaf, goat cheese mixed green side salads, and we had each picked individual desserts (jhonen had a piece of tres leche cake, i had french cheesecake, and jason had a magic bar, or whatever they're called). i took him back to the airport monday morning after dropping jhonen off at school and before heading in to work. it was a good visit, but i still feel somber, displaced, a little out of touch with life and myself.
i haven't decided on france later this year. i have the money but it really needs to go to paying off my car... if i were being completely responsible about it. emotionally, though, i want to go to france. practically, i ought to pay off the car. :(
mandy and i have continued our tues night dinners at my place. last night was our third in a row, and they are wonderful. we take turns cooking, and we have a beer or a glass of wine together. it's pretty nice. i discovered that izzy likes goat cheese salads, so that's pretty awesome too. my kids are a little more picky (less adventurous) these days, bela especially.
my weeks are going to have to be regimented:
m: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 7pm (both kids)
tu: work, dinner with mandy & kids (both kids)
w: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 7pm (both kids)
th: work and school, out the door before 7am, not home until nearly 9pm (no kids)
f: work, free night (no kids- this friday, for example, meeting up with cristin for dinner, or see a movie)
sa: solo study day at the library or coffee house (no kids), evening time with jhonen after 6pm
su: rcia 9-12noon, chores and afternoon study time (with jhonen)
oh, and i stuffed 600 envelopes today. bc my dept (accounting) is responsible for sending out tax forms, we had to each stuff stacks of 300 papers (fold them in half, stuff them, and insert a contact slip). my area, billing, had to stuff TWO stacks, so double. it took me 2 hours and 40 minutes of my 5 hour workday, and then i had to go to school for 4 hours. my hands are dry, damaged and peeling. tiny paper cuts that merely flaked the skin, somewhat more ambitious ones that left red lines. we do this once a year, and no one looks forward to it. the big consolation this year was sticky notes hidden in our stacks with letters written on them (A, B, or C). these sticky notes are redeemable for prizes at our "prize party" on friday, corresponding to our letters. members of the billing team, me included, get TWO prizes, while others get one. i sure hope they consider giving us all really good lotion as prizes. :P my hands could use it.