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You wanna know what I really think is bothering me the most about it right this moment? And I know you people don't know what I am talking about but, i'll post again later and maybe fill you in on the details. But, the part that's bothering me the most is that she won't even fucking talk to me. I mean, i've messaged her like four times, almost once a day trying to get her to talk to me since it happened and I get nothing. It's nice to know that I'm basically trash and I've been discarded. I mean, since apparently she found someone else while she's been at basic training "suffering" I'm not really needed anymore, of course. That's how it always happens. She'll find someone else she is more interested in at the moment and I'll be gone again. I'm kinda tired of being second to everyone else. I wouldn't have imagined that she would have left me for someone else when she went to Basic Training. Would have never guessed it. Because she was so much different than she had ever been before when she left. And after she left. She was so loving and emotional. I thought for sure this was it. This was when our lives would turn around and we would be together like we were supposed to be. And I sat here for almost two months now, waiting on her. At first I wasn't waiting on her to come home but then it turned into waiting on her to come home. And I waited and I was faithful in every way to her. Can she say the same now and truly expect me to believe her? I mean, I told her it was all gravy to have that little girlfriend of hers but she couldn't have sex with her. And I was truly cool with that. Now I feel like a huge dumbass. Like I pretty much took her clothes off for the chick and said, "Here ya go. All you can eat buffet. Don't mind me.", v.v I'm kinda bitter as well if you can't notice. Because she won't even tell me who it is. I'm not worth even knowing who it was. I'm that worthless ya'll. It's pathetic. That over the past 6 years I didn't reach a status that would put me at being able to know who she called our wedding off for. I mean, I can see why. Look at me. I'm not an asshole to her 100% of the time and treat her like shit so of course i'm not. v.v I truly hate my life at the moment. At this very moment I hate my fucking life. Because every girl i've ever been with has been the same way. Nothing but a fucking hoebag. A great big set of hoeluggage. I'm tired of it. I want a woman who is going to put me first to every other guy or girl if she swings that way. I want to know for a fact that she is there and she isn't leaving me. I'm tired of having to worry all the motherfucking time whether or not i'm gonna turn around and then look back and my girlfriend is gone with some other guy/girl. I'm tired of having to feel that way all the time. I'm tired of being second string or in some cases even third fucking string to every other motherfucker in the world. I'm tired of it. I want to find a woman who is going to love me for who I am and not who they think they could turn me into. And I want a woman to love me so much that even if they do begin to like someone else, they could never do anything to pursue it because their love for me is stronger than anything else. I'm probably wanting things that could never happen because, in my 8 years of being in this one place I haven't found a girl that could possibly do that. Well, you know what? I probably have in fact, but fucked it up for Cortnye. I thought about this last night sometime in the course of playing massive amounts of video games. Over the years i've had some pretty epic girlfriends. And all of them I have left to go back to Cortnye. Every last one of them. Manda, Karen, and all them. v.v Manda treated me great, like a was a human being on her level instead of something just below that just so happens to be good enough anyway. Karen was such a sweetheart and I have never had anyone quite so sweet to me. And of course I destroyed the relationship me and Natalie had because of Cortnye. Honestly that's why that feel apart. Was because I began to really miss Cortnye and my emotions towards other people just kinda shutdown at the point. And it tore our relationship apart like it was nothing. It was horrible to see it happen too. Because we were pretty damn good for each other. But now that's gone, along with every other one of those relationships that could have turned out to be that way for me. All for the one I wanted to end this way. Me waiting on her and her leaving me right before she comes home. I mean like, a week at the most before she comes home. And now that I am gone, if it was stopping her before, I wonder how many times she's had sex? But like I said, if it was stopping her before. Because I get the tingling sensation it probably wasn't. But of course what am I supposed to think when one night I just suddenly get this text message that she doesn't want to get married anymore because she has suddenly grown closer to this other person and grown so far apart from me that she doesn't want to get married anymore. Hmmm? What am I supposed to think? All happy go lucky thoughts? Fuck that. Worst case scenario there buddy. And that's what that is to me. That the entire time she has been there she has been leading me on to keep me here at home waiting on her and she has been doing, literally, whatever she pleases up there. I know she sent letters home and told everyone she was suffering so much. But if she was suffering so much then where did she have time to fall for someone else. v.v Well, my heterosexual lifemate is awake now so, i'll end this here and talk to you guys again some other time. Peace out.