Depression
I know that I haven't posted a whole lot over the past couple of weeks but, i've been pretty darn depressed. I sit at the house all the time hoping for a phone call that might never come. That's what I did most of the day yesterday was sit at the house and wait and see if she was going to get a phone call on valentines day. Of course she didn't but, that's not her fault. I just miss her so much. I sat here just now and looked at some pictures of me and her together and I was barely able to hold it together. I miss her so much. I need her arms around me and my arms around her. Yesterday was valentines day and thats mine and hers anniversary. Well, one of them. The main one, how about that? Me and her first started this relationship on valentines day in 2004. It's been a long time since it all started but it feels like just yesterday from how fast the years passed while I was with her. Happiest years of my life and now she is states away in basic training. I can't talk to her except in letters and I haven't received one of those in a little over a week. I got a phone call from her a week ago to the day. It was the last time I heard her voice and the first time I have heard it since she left. It's going to be even longer before I hear it again. It tore me apart and broke me down. Hearing her cry like that because she missed me so much. Hearing her say she loved me in that strained voice trying to keep composure enough for her words to be understandable. It broke my heart to know that I can't be there with her to help her through this. I can't even give her words of encouragment until I can actually write to her. I've been writing her a letter everyday. Even if it is just a simple letter to tell her how much I love her and miss her. If nothing happened that day I tell her all the wonderful things about her I miss and when I miss them the most. I wrote her a couple of letters that have the lyrics to a couple of songs that make me cry whenever I hear them because they were songs that spoke what I felt. Like Staind's Tangled up in you. I brake down almost everytime I hear it so I don't listen to it very much. I don't like to cry even though I can't help it. I cry a lot of the time. When I lay down to go to sleep and I hug up to my body pillow. I swear I can smell her in my bed still, even though it's been so long since she was in it. Clothes she's worn and everything. It tears me apart and is slowly driving me crazy. I think about her all the time. I lay in bed at night and wonder if she is laying in some bed thinking about me too. Or if the strain of Basic Training isn't leaving her much time to think about me or anything else. I hope that is the case so that her heart isn't heavy with sadness over being so far away from me. I know she would keep me in her heart no matter what even if I am not on her mind. I love her more than anything and i'll be here for her no matter what. I can make it through whatever the army's Basic Training has to dish out if it means that her and I can make a wonderful life together. For us and our family. She's the only woman i've ever wanted to make a family with no matter what it took.