Relationships To Be or Not To Be
I had a very minor epiphany a few minutes ago, I realized I don’t know what I want relationship-wise. It’s kind of problematic because it leaves me unable to proceed in that front. Right now, Cha is trying to be friends (so she says) though some of her actions lead me to believe she wants to be more than friends. She has repeatedly assured me she’s not trying to get back together with me, or have sex with me. But again, her actions are giving me a different impression. I think the mixed signals might be part of the reason for my confusion. But it’s also in part because I don’t know if I want to get back together with her. This is odd, because there was a time when I wanted that more than anything. I think it’s just her repeatedly telling me directly and indirectly there’s no hope of us getting back together. I got used to the idea of it being over. Her sending me mixed messaged is nothing new. But it leaves me confused as to her intentions, which in turn leaves me unsure how to proceed.
This in turn leaves me unsure how to proceed with my teacher/friend at Tech. Right now, I just want to be friends with her, and enjoy that friendship. Do I want it to become something more? I honestly don’t know. I think if Cha was out of the picture, I would, but since Cha is not out of the picture, and I have no idea how things are going with her, I don’t know how to proceed with my new friendship. In a way, it makes sense that I would develop a friendship with a teacher/doctoral candidate. I’m way older than most of the students at Tech, even the graduate students. Old enough to be their father in many cases. It makes sense that I would find common ground with someone closer to me in age, even though I’m pretty sure she’s quite a bit younger than me too.
I also have memberships in several dating sites. Most I don’t spend any time with because I don’t have the money for a paid membership and you really can’t do anything without one. Two I do frequent are OkCupid and Pounced.org. I’m not really finding anyone on either though. OkCupid has a lot of women to look at, but almost all the women close to me in age have children. Not that I have anything against children, it’s just I don’t think I could personally handle children. I have chatted with a few women, but they just tend to disappear on me, stop replying to my messages. Pounced.org is different in that it was created by furries for furries. This leads to its own problems. For one thing, a recent survey shows that the furry community is roughly 80% male, so most profiles on Pounced are men. Also, the vast majority of profiles are under 30, which can be fun to chat with, but is unlikely in the extreme to lead beyond friendship. A lot of these women might be willing to give it a try, holding to the old cliché that age is just a number. However, I’m old enough to realize that is simply not true. People widely separated in age are gonna have wildly different life experiences and interests. That makes a relationship difficult to maintain.
I’m not even sure I want to get into a serious relationship. I really have no plans for the future, as I don’t expect to live past another year. It seems unfair to me to involve someone else in a serious relationship when I know I probably won’t be around much longer. This is another reason I feel reluctant to go beyond friendship with my former teacher. Still, I feel lonely much of the time. I think the loneliness is part of the reason I don’t wish to continue. I’ve posted in the past (before I met Cha) of my loneliness being almost like a physical ache. It’s a bit of an irony. I’m reluctant to involve myself in a serious relationship because I plan to end my life, yet part of the reason I plan to end my life is the feeling of loneliness stemming from the lack of a serious relationship.
Good news for those who don’t want to see me end my life. I’m going to start counseling at the VA again. In just a couple of weeks. Maybe this will give me what I need to go on with my existence. I’m not counting on it, but it could happen. Like I said, it’s not that I want to end my life. It’s more that I just don’t want to continue it. A difference of degree, but a difference none the less. Hope that renewed counseling will pull me out of this permanent funk I seem to have sunk into.
This in turn leaves me unsure how to proceed with my teacher/friend at Tech. Right now, I just want to be friends with her, and enjoy that friendship. Do I want it to become something more? I honestly don’t know. I think if Cha was out of the picture, I would, but since Cha is not out of the picture, and I have no idea how things are going with her, I don’t know how to proceed with my new friendship. In a way, it makes sense that I would develop a friendship with a teacher/doctoral candidate. I’m way older than most of the students at Tech, even the graduate students. Old enough to be their father in many cases. It makes sense that I would find common ground with someone closer to me in age, even though I’m pretty sure she’s quite a bit younger than me too.
I also have memberships in several dating sites. Most I don’t spend any time with because I don’t have the money for a paid membership and you really can’t do anything without one. Two I do frequent are OkCupid and Pounced.org. I’m not really finding anyone on either though. OkCupid has a lot of women to look at, but almost all the women close to me in age have children. Not that I have anything against children, it’s just I don’t think I could personally handle children. I have chatted with a few women, but they just tend to disappear on me, stop replying to my messages. Pounced.org is different in that it was created by furries for furries. This leads to its own problems. For one thing, a recent survey shows that the furry community is roughly 80% male, so most profiles on Pounced are men. Also, the vast majority of profiles are under 30, which can be fun to chat with, but is unlikely in the extreme to lead beyond friendship. A lot of these women might be willing to give it a try, holding to the old cliché that age is just a number. However, I’m old enough to realize that is simply not true. People widely separated in age are gonna have wildly different life experiences and interests. That makes a relationship difficult to maintain.
I’m not even sure I want to get into a serious relationship. I really have no plans for the future, as I don’t expect to live past another year. It seems unfair to me to involve someone else in a serious relationship when I know I probably won’t be around much longer. This is another reason I feel reluctant to go beyond friendship with my former teacher. Still, I feel lonely much of the time. I think the loneliness is part of the reason I don’t wish to continue. I’ve posted in the past (before I met Cha) of my loneliness being almost like a physical ache. It’s a bit of an irony. I’m reluctant to involve myself in a serious relationship because I plan to end my life, yet part of the reason I plan to end my life is the feeling of loneliness stemming from the lack of a serious relationship.
Good news for those who don’t want to see me end my life. I’m going to start counseling at the VA again. In just a couple of weeks. Maybe this will give me what I need to go on with my existence. I’m not counting on it, but it could happen. Like I said, it’s not that I want to end my life. It’s more that I just don’t want to continue it. A difference of degree, but a difference none the less. Hope that renewed counseling will pull me out of this permanent funk I seem to have sunk into.