Single again...
As far as I am concerned, I am single again.
I visited my then-boyfriend this weekend, and last night he told me that he didn't think that the relationship was going anywhere. He claimed to still want to see me, but he also told me that he wanted to "slow things down" so that there were fewer visits and chats on the telephone. Furthermore, he told me that he wanted to change his online profile information to "single." This, of course, he told me a mere ten minutes before we were supposed to meet his friends for dinner. I do not how I regained my composure, and it remains a mystery to me how I was able to keep from bawling into my chicken parmigiana.
We had a very long talk that night while I sobbed my little eyes out. I nearly left then and there, but it was quite late and I was really in no condition to drive. This morning, he acted as if he had never said any of those things to me. We are supposedly still going to New York City together in two weeks, and I do not know how that will work out. I am fairly sure that it is the last time that I will ever see him. He seems to be hinting as much.
I am confused. So very, very confused. I know that I need to make a clean break, both out of respect for myself and a need for preservation of my sanity, but at the same time, I still care very deeply for him and value him in many ways. I might even love him, just a bit. He isn't just the man who is hurting me, he is also the man who made me feel wanted and appreciated after two years of being treated like a leper, and after the unfortunate incident involving Stupid Boy.
I also do not want to return to being lonely and isolated in Vermont. I hate and abhor the world of dating, and I really would like to be safe from it for as long as possible. I don't like being single. Then again, I am furious with him for being such a cad, and I suspect that he wants to end things completely- and is simply too craven to tell me. I feel that he really has no concern for my feelings. There are some moments when I think that he is utterly selfish. There are some moments, quite frankly, when I want to take my size-five foot and plant it in the general area of his rear end.
So, in my confusion, I am calling myself single. As soon as I returned from his home this evening, I went through the apartment and removed just about everything that reminded me of him. I did not throw it away, but I hid it away. I also went through and deleted each and every email that he ever sent to me. It felt very energizing. Very soon, I am going to give myself a day to grieve, cry and rest, and after that, I am going to throw myself a private party. The party will last the entire day and will involve my favorite foods, as well as each and every activity that he never approved of when we were dating (video games, cartoons, artistic projects, writing music and wearing that silly sweater that he never liked). It will just have to wait until after Monday, because I have an appointment in Burlington.
I am sad. I am very sad and I am in considerable pain. That being said, I am surprisingly not broken. I know that I will be fine in time, as long as I respect myself and do what is right. There will be weak moments, but they will pass.I am stronger than I used to be, and while I sometimes have the urge to give up on love completely, I am too stubborn to really do it. I'll just need to take some time to feel the loss, to think about myself in relationships, and to work on that new friendship with myself.
I visited my then-boyfriend this weekend, and last night he told me that he didn't think that the relationship was going anywhere. He claimed to still want to see me, but he also told me that he wanted to "slow things down" so that there were fewer visits and chats on the telephone. Furthermore, he told me that he wanted to change his online profile information to "single." This, of course, he told me a mere ten minutes before we were supposed to meet his friends for dinner. I do not how I regained my composure, and it remains a mystery to me how I was able to keep from bawling into my chicken parmigiana.
We had a very long talk that night while I sobbed my little eyes out. I nearly left then and there, but it was quite late and I was really in no condition to drive. This morning, he acted as if he had never said any of those things to me. We are supposedly still going to New York City together in two weeks, and I do not know how that will work out. I am fairly sure that it is the last time that I will ever see him. He seems to be hinting as much.
I am confused. So very, very confused. I know that I need to make a clean break, both out of respect for myself and a need for preservation of my sanity, but at the same time, I still care very deeply for him and value him in many ways. I might even love him, just a bit. He isn't just the man who is hurting me, he is also the man who made me feel wanted and appreciated after two years of being treated like a leper, and after the unfortunate incident involving Stupid Boy.
I also do not want to return to being lonely and isolated in Vermont. I hate and abhor the world of dating, and I really would like to be safe from it for as long as possible. I don't like being single. Then again, I am furious with him for being such a cad, and I suspect that he wants to end things completely- and is simply too craven to tell me. I feel that he really has no concern for my feelings. There are some moments when I think that he is utterly selfish. There are some moments, quite frankly, when I want to take my size-five foot and plant it in the general area of his rear end.
So, in my confusion, I am calling myself single. As soon as I returned from his home this evening, I went through the apartment and removed just about everything that reminded me of him. I did not throw it away, but I hid it away. I also went through and deleted each and every email that he ever sent to me. It felt very energizing. Very soon, I am going to give myself a day to grieve, cry and rest, and after that, I am going to throw myself a private party. The party will last the entire day and will involve my favorite foods, as well as each and every activity that he never approved of when we were dating (video games, cartoons, artistic projects, writing music and wearing that silly sweater that he never liked). It will just have to wait until after Monday, because I have an appointment in Burlington.
I am sad. I am very sad and I am in considerable pain. That being said, I am surprisingly not broken. I know that I will be fine in time, as long as I respect myself and do what is right. There will be weak moments, but they will pass.I am stronger than I used to be, and while I sometimes have the urge to give up on love completely, I am too stubborn to really do it. I'll just need to take some time to feel the loss, to think about myself in relationships, and to work on that new friendship with myself.