Beginnings - JESUS (11/15)
Title - Beginnings - JESUS (11/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,146 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
You photographs his favourite thing.
Sapporo, August 19th
“So, how many photos of me have you taken over the years?”
Gackt was seated on a couch in his hotel suite, his eyes fixed on the muted television screen that was tuned into the latest Waratte Iitomo show. It was a day off between shows, and Gackt had already completed his early morning training session and made impressive headway into the ever growing pile of business, personal and fan emails that threatened daily to make his Mac collapse under their weight.
He’d taken a quick break from checking out the designs for the next batch of tour goods and had left the sanctity of his room in order to pick up something to drink from the hotel’s lounge. He knew that he could have called room service for his coffee, but he thought the walk and chance to escape the four walls that were his hotel suite, would probably do him some good.
Gackt had bumped into You in the lounge. The guitarist had been peering through the lens of his camera with a frown on his face. The camera was three months old, and You still hadn’t been able to figure out how to take the best shot with it. Normally, he would have mastered any camera after a couple of weeks, but the arguments with Gackt during the European tour had meant that You had relied on one of his trusty old cameras to take photos as he didn’t have the patience for mastering a new one.
You had seen his chance for more practise with his camera though as soon as Gackt had walked into the lounge. It hadn’t taken much convincing for You to drag Gackt away from the pile of emails in order to pose for him.
“Hmm?” You asked absentmindedly. He had been so focused on creating the perfect shot that he hadn’t heard Gackt’s question.
“I said how many photos of me have you taken since I’ve known you?” Gackt repeated.
You paused and lowered his camera from his eye. Gackt was sat on the couch, his bare feet tucked in next to his ass and arms wrapped around his knees. It made him look like a young boy. These were the shots that You liked to take the most, the type that couldn’t be seen in a magazine and came about because Gackt was too comfortable with him to be concerned about looking mysterious or cool in the photos.
You stood up from the armchair he was sitting on and knelt on the plush carpet. The change in position framed the shot better, and the softness of the carpet reminded him that Gackt really did always get the best rooms. “I’ve lost count.”
“Hmm,” Gackt murmured. “Maybe I should count those instead of sheep whenever I can’t sleep.”
“Maybe,” You agreed.
They fell back into a comfortable silence. You was eagerly snapping away as Gackt occasionally moved around the couch, his head coming to rest on his arms and his eyes slipping shut slowly as he quickly lost interest in watching Waratte Iitomo in silence. The only sound in the room was the occasional beep of Gackt’s still switched on Mac that signified that yet another email had landed in his over stuffed inbox, but Gackt didn’t care. He was comfortable, he was content and most importantly, he was comfortable and content with You.
You always used to ask if he could photograph him. Whenever You had a new camera, lens or new technique he wanted to try then Gackt would gladly donate what little time he had to spare to help You test his new equipment or settings. Sometimes, when they were both bored and Gackt was beginning to cause trouble with the help of permanent marker pens and unsuspecting sleeping crew members, they’d have a photo session together for no reason other than You liked to take photos and Gackt liked to be photographed. Sure, professional photo sessions where Gackt wore a steady procession of clothes that were sometimes itchy and the wrong size while he was forced to pose for hours on end were never fun, but the relaxed sessions with You, where Gackt could wear what he wanted and just sit and relax, were something he loved.
Sometimes, when in the middle of a busy tour or promotional cycle where seemingly everyone in Japan wanted a piece of Gackt, those photo shoots were the only time he got to spend with You. As the years had progressed he’d come to savour and cherish every single session they had.
“What have you done with the photos you take of me?” Gackt questioned.
You’s finger slipped on the shutter button. “I still have them all. I keep them just like I keep every photo I take.”
Gackt laughed. “You do take a lot of photos! No matter where we go you always have a camera around your neck.”
“You never know when you’re going to find the perfect thing to photograph,” You offered as an explanation. “Why are you asking all of these questions anyway?”
Gackt removed his arms from his legs and pulled his feet from the couch. Instead he placed his feet on the floor and crossed his legs at the ankles while continuing to look towards the television. “I’m interested. Photography is such a big part of your life but I know nothing about why it is. All I know is that you like to photograph things and use me as your own personal model.”
“Does that bother you? That I photograph you so much?”
Gackt shook his head. “Not at all. If I did I wouldn’t agree. I just don’t understand the pull of photography. I’d rather see things with my own eyes than through a lens.”
“I can understand that,” You said, “but you’re looking at it from the wrong angle. I’m not simply making a record of what already exists; I’m trying to create a new record from my perspective. It’s a form of expression, just like writing a song is. I could say why write songs about love when you could live it. It’s the same argument.”
Gackt fell silent. He didn’t feel that the love metaphor was a particularly wise one for You to use, considering the situation between them, but he couldn’t deny that it worked. “I never looked at photography as expression before. Maybe I should start…”
You snorted. “You don’t have the patience to line up a shot or to wait for a person or animal to move into that perfect pose for you.”
“Yeah, probably not,” Gackt laughed. “You’ll have to be my own personal photographer then.”
“Like I am now?”
“Like you are now.”
You smiled and resumed taking photos. Gackt looked a little tired again and stifled a yawn as You continued snapping away. You had missed simply spending time with Gackt for no reason other than that they liked each other’s company. So much of their friendship was based upon their working relationship these days, but it was so nice to spend time together without having to discuss set lists or practises or recording schedules or any of the other things that were their working life. You was also glad that Gackt had been able to switch off his work mode and actually sit back and relax. It was refreshing to see the singer indulging in peace, quiet and nothingness.
But Gackt could never stay quiet for too long. “What’s your favourite thing to photograph?”
“Hmm?” You asked, concentrating on framing his shot correctly.
“We’ve travelled the world together, You-kun. We’ve seen so many beautiful sights, and you’ve photographed them all. What’s your favourite?”
You paused, moving the camera from his eye to be held at waist height. What was his favourite? He had photo album after photo album and hard drive after hard drive full of the most beautiful photos. He’d seen sights most professional photographers would love to see. Asking him to choose one favourite of thousands of shoots was impossible, it was like asking a mother to choose her favourite child or asking Gackt to pick his favourite of the songs he’d written.
But, You knew, that wasn’t entirely true. It wasn’t really that impossible for him. As soon as Gackt had first asked the question he’d known the answer, and as he knelt there, the camera a reassuring weight in his hand and contemplated all of those photos he’d taken, he knew that his first answer was the correct one.
“My favourite thing to photograph,” You said slowly, “is you.”
Gackt smiled. He was grateful that You was still trying to make things better between them by trying to placate his ego, but it was really unnecessary. “You don’t need to flatter me, You-kun, I know I’m beautiful.”
The obvious teasing tone in Gackt’s voice wasn’t lost on You. Gackt was laughing off his answer and disbelieving his words. “No, it really is you.”
“Why?” Gackt asked softly. “You’ve photographed the sakura trees in full bloom, all of the different sunsets the world has to offer and have seen the oldest and most striking architecture ever built. I don’t compare to that.”
“But they’re all just things, Gaku. Buildings have no personality, sunsets are fleeting and sakura trees are just as plain as any other tree for eleven months of the year. How can they compare to you?”
Gackt knew he was blushing. He could feel the heat in his cheeks and he hated that You’s words had that power over him. He was used to compliments over his looks. His sister, who diligently kept scrapbooks of every newspaper, magazine or website that featured her kid brother, had scrapbooks devoted purely to all of those most beautiful, most handsome and best body polls that Gackt had won over the years and took great delight in teasing him with them.
He’d seen his peers fall at his feet on numerous television shows, could remember those days when he was a regular on Domoto Kyoudai and was always picked as the panel member the female guest wanted to date and had video after video of his flirtations with giggling female presenters. Gackt knew that he could open his Nifty email account, pick any fan emails at random, and find a never ending stream of comments about his looks.
Gackt knew that with the right make up, clothes and hair styling, he was beautiful. But hearing those words from You was as heart warming and embarrassing as the first compliment he’d ever received, back when he was a confused junior high student full of hormones he had no hope to control.
“Are you… are you blushing, Gaku?”
Gackt shook his head to signal that he wasn’t, but even he knew it was a pointless gesture. Thanks to the bright lighting that You had insisted on, he was sure that his blush was pretty obvious.
“Yes you are!” You said with a laugh. “Why are you blushing? You have people complimenting you a hundred times a day. You compliment yourself at least four times before breakfast.”
Gackt’s blush deepened and he found that he couldn’t look You in the eye when he spoke next. “None of those people are you, You-kun.”
You was puzzled. “Why am I so special…” and then he remembered. “Oh. That..”
“Yes, that,” Gackt replied sadly, his eyes firmly fixed to the floor.
Gackt’s gaze may have been fixed to the floor but he could still hear the sound of You nervously shuffling on his knees. Things had been so easy between them since the poker game in Sendai that Gackt wasn’t really surprised that You had forgotten about Gackt’s feelings for him. It hadn’t been an issue for so long that Gackt could almost forget about it himself, or at least he could forget until he saw You again and then all of that love that he’d tried to repress just came rushing back at him like a tidal wave threatening to carry him away with the surf.
Gackt could have kicked himself. Things were so easy because You had forgotten about it, but he just had to remind him didn’t he? Gackt desperately wanted to take the words back, to pretend that he wasn’t blushing or that it was a trick of the light and in no way related to the fact that he was still completely, utterly and hopelessly in love with a man that had just placed him above every natural wonder and beauty that the world had to offer.
When You calmly put his camera away in its carrying case, Gackt was expecting You to leave the room. The last thing he expected was for You to sit down on the couch next to him.
“I’m sorry, Gaku, I shouldn’t have said what I said. I wasn’t thinking. I can’t imagine what it must have sounded like to you,”
“It’s okay,” Gackt replied. “You don’t have to watch every word you say around me. I’m not made of glass.”
“I know but…” You couldn’t finish his sentence. He knew that Gackt was one of the toughest people mentally that he’d ever met, he had to be tough to cope with the demands of his career and the limitations of his body, but You was also aware that their friendship was still delicate.
“Don’t worry about it,” Gackt said, “you gave me a wonderful compliment and it was enough to make anyone blush. Even beautiful attention seekers like me can blush occasionally.”
You still looked troubled and annoyed at himself so Gackt gave him the biggest smile he could manage to reassure him that it really was okay. The last thing Gackt wanted was for You to feel that he had to watch his words and be cautious around him. Even if You’s words stung and were a reminder of what Gackt couldn’t have, Gackt still wanted You to feel comfortable enough to voice them.
Their friendship had survived as long as it had due to the honesty and trust that flowed between them. You was the only person, apart from Chacha sometimes, who could stand before Gackt and point out his failings and stupidity. But, unlike Chacha, when You called Gackt out on his obnoxiousness, ego or questionable behaviour, Gackt always listened. You was his conscience, his common sense and his voice of reason. You was the person who pulled him back from the abyss when he threatened to do something so unbelievably stupid that it would risk everything he’d ever worked for, and he didn’t want to lose that because You was being too careful with his words.
“You can always speak freely with me, You-kun,” Gackt said, “that hasn’t changed. I don’t want you to watch your words because you think they’ll hurt me. I need you to be honest with me, all of the time, even if it hurts.”
You sighed. “I don’t want to hurt you, Gaku.”
“Isn’t that how we found ourselves in this mess to begin with? You were too frightened of saying the wrong thing to even speak to me in Europe and we nearly lost each other because of it. Speak up. You’ve said some really harsh things to me over the years, but I’m still here, with you.”
“I wonder why some days…”
Gackt smiled again. “We’ve had this discussion before, only that time it was me asking you why you were still here. All I want is for you to be honest with me, don’t hide your thoughts or feelings. I think I deserve that.”
You couldn’t disagree. “I’m just scared of ruining our friendship.”
“Holding back is more likely to do that being honest, You-kun. I know that you would never intentionally say or do anything to hurt me.”
“You have a lot of faith in me, Gakkun.”
Gackt watched as You’s eyes slipped shut. It had been years since they’d had a discussion like this, where they’d told each other how much their friendship meant and how deep it ran. They threw the ‘soul mates’ label around all of the time but rarely defined what it meant. The last time, if Gackt recalled correctly, was when Ren left the band and Gackt had been worried that You would walk out of the door with him.
It was strange. Gackt told the other members of his family such as Chacha, the dancers and his most trusted crew members what they meant to him all of the time, but he never really voiced the same sentiments to You. He assumed that You already knew.
Seems he was wrong.
Gackt shrugged his shoulders. “You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you. I trust you more than I trust myself.”
You opened his eyes and before Gackt could realise what was happening, You had leaned across the space between them and loosely thrown his arms around Gackt’s back, pulling the unsuspecting singer into an awkward hug. You’s hands rested gently on his shoulder blades, and the only other contact between their bodies was a barely there touch of their chests. The position You had twisted him into made his back ache, and it was the most uncomfortable hug Gackt had ever had.
It was also the best hug Gackt had ever had.
Gackt shuffled closer to You and adjusted his position so that his back wasn’t being contorted quite as much, and things became so much more comfortable. He draped his arms across You’s back and felt You’s body relax at the touch. He was still leaning into You and it meant that his head rested in the crook of You’s neck, close enough to almost taste the smooth skin that lay beneath his cheek.
He could smell You’s delicate cologne all around him and his eyes slipped shut in contentment. If this is what his future friendship with You would feel like, he could be content with just that.
You had been nervous that Gackt would push him away, but had found that after Gackt’s declaration of utter trust and faith in him, he had no words to answer with. The hug had been an impulsive move, one that he thought would blow up in his face, but when Gackt’s arms came around his back and the singer relaxed into his arms, he knew that the hug had been the right decision to make.
He could feel Gackt’s warm breath against his neck and smell the heavy scent of Platinum Egoist all around him, enveloping him in its familiarity. He tightened his embrace around Gackt’s back and rested his head atop Gackt’s, the loose, soft and silky strands of Gackt’s hair tickling his throat slightly.
You didn’t want to break the silence, but felt that he ought to say something. “Thank you, Gaku.”
“Hmm?” Gackt murmured sleepily, “what for?”
“For giving me another chance after I fucked up so spectacularly in Europe.”
Gackt chuckled. “I think we both fucked up in Europe.”
“True,” You acquiesced, “we’re okay now though, right?”
“We’re okay.”
“Definitely?” You asked with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
Gackt laughed at You’s nervousness. It was cute, and Gackt felt like he should be able to see You’s face when he answered, but he already knew what he’d see. Big brown eyes, a furrowed brow and You would be nibbling slightly on his bottom lip with his teeth, just like he always did when he was nervously anticipating an answer.
Gackt raised his head, but kept his arms around You, and looked at his friend. Yep. Big brown eyes, a furrowed brow and nibbling at his bottom lip, just as expected. He caught You’s eye and smiled, ready to answer and reassure You that everything really was alright.
But then, You was kissing him.
Gackt couldn’t react. You’s slightly chapped lips were pressed against his own, moving hesitantly as they tried to coax Gackt into kissing back. One of You’s hands snaked into Gackt’s thick hair as You continued to kiss him, and Gackt was simply too stunned to consider returning the kiss. You mewled quietly in disappointment and frustration, and the sound was enough for Gackt to wake up and begin kissing back.
You felt Gackt’s tongue teasing his bottom lip so he opened his mouth, allowing Gackt to take control of the kiss he’d instigated. Gackt’s grip on his back tightened and the singer pulled them closer together as You’s hand ran through the soft satin of Gackt’s hair until it came to rest on the face that he’d spent hours photographing. Gackt was moaning, or was it him, and every sound ran down his spine and set his nerves on fire.
As quickly as it had begun, the kiss was over and Gackt had jumped to his feet.
Gackt paced in front of him, walking rapidly and turning tight corners as he kept walking from the still switched on television to the armchair You had been seated in earlier. It was a sure sign of the man’s agitation, and You had this sudden sinking feeling that all of the progress they’d made that afternoon was a few wrong words away from being lost forever.
“Why… why did you do that?!” Gackt asked.
Why had he done it? When Gackt had lifted his head and those natural brown eyes had locked with You’s own eyes, You had been overcome with this sudden urge to taste those lips that hovered so close to his own. It had been a compulsion that he couldn’t fight, it had felt as if his life depended on feeling those lips against on his own and he had been powerless to stop it.
You could still smell Egoist. “It felt like the right thing to do…”
“Why? Because you thought I wanted it?” Gackt asked. “What were you thinking?!”
You knew that he wasn’t really thinking anything other than that Gackt’s lips looked nice, but he knew better than to voice that answer. “I don’t know.”
Gackt stopped pacing and stood in front of the still seated You. “That’s not a good answer, You.”
“I know,” You agreed. “I just… I don’t know what happened.”
Gackt didn’t want to be there anymore. He could cope with being You’s friend, he could cope with hugging him and spending every waking moment with him, but he couldn’t cope with being kissed by You unless there were feelings behind it. If it had been anyone other than You, he’d have accused them of playing mind games with him and of wanting to destroy him, but this was You, his You, who would never intentionally hurt him.
Gackt had said earlier that he trusted You. He had no choice but to do so.
“Don’t kiss me unless you mean it,” Gackt said harshly before adding in a soft and hopeful voice, “did you mean it?”
The truth was that You didn’t know. You was reminded of those words Chacha had said to him after the poker game in Sendai. “Be a hundred percent certain of everything you say to Gackt.” He understood now what Chacha had meant. Gackt deserved nothing but the truth and You knew that even if that truth hurt, his friendship with Gackt would survive. However, if he lied or misinterpreted his feelings…
“I don’t know, Gaku,” You answered softly. “I don’t know if I meant it. I don’t know what I want.”
“Maybe you should decide,” Gackt stated. “I can be your friend, You, but I’m not going to be anything more unless you really want it. I know my relationships usually only last however long it takes for me to kick them out of my hotel room, but I can’t do that with you. It’s all or nothing. If you can’t give me your all, then I want nothing.”
Winner takes all.
You couldn’t answer.
You’s confusion was obvious, and Gackt decided to give him a reprieve, even though it killed him to be left hanging and confused, unsure of exactly what You wanted. “Okay, the last show here is tomorrow, and then we have a few days break before the final shows in Tokyo. Take some time. Think things through. Come and speak to me in Tokyo when you can give me an answer.”
When Gackt picked up his camera bag and handed it to him, You recognised the gesture for what it was. Gackt wanted him out of his hotel room, but the sad smile etched on those lips that he’d tasted only moments ago showed that there was no anger there, only resignation as Gackt already thought he knew what You’s answer would be.
As You left Gackt’s hotel room, he was reminded of something else Chacha had said.
“One day, you’re going to wake up. When you do, don’t fuck it up.”
TBC...
Notes
1) Is this progress??
Previous part - JUSTIFIED
Next part - FLOWER
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,146 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
You photographs his favourite thing.
Sapporo, August 19th
“So, how many photos of me have you taken over the years?”
Gackt was seated on a couch in his hotel suite, his eyes fixed on the muted television screen that was tuned into the latest Waratte Iitomo show. It was a day off between shows, and Gackt had already completed his early morning training session and made impressive headway into the ever growing pile of business, personal and fan emails that threatened daily to make his Mac collapse under their weight.
He’d taken a quick break from checking out the designs for the next batch of tour goods and had left the sanctity of his room in order to pick up something to drink from the hotel’s lounge. He knew that he could have called room service for his coffee, but he thought the walk and chance to escape the four walls that were his hotel suite, would probably do him some good.
Gackt had bumped into You in the lounge. The guitarist had been peering through the lens of his camera with a frown on his face. The camera was three months old, and You still hadn’t been able to figure out how to take the best shot with it. Normally, he would have mastered any camera after a couple of weeks, but the arguments with Gackt during the European tour had meant that You had relied on one of his trusty old cameras to take photos as he didn’t have the patience for mastering a new one.
You had seen his chance for more practise with his camera though as soon as Gackt had walked into the lounge. It hadn’t taken much convincing for You to drag Gackt away from the pile of emails in order to pose for him.
“Hmm?” You asked absentmindedly. He had been so focused on creating the perfect shot that he hadn’t heard Gackt’s question.
“I said how many photos of me have you taken since I’ve known you?” Gackt repeated.
You paused and lowered his camera from his eye. Gackt was sat on the couch, his bare feet tucked in next to his ass and arms wrapped around his knees. It made him look like a young boy. These were the shots that You liked to take the most, the type that couldn’t be seen in a magazine and came about because Gackt was too comfortable with him to be concerned about looking mysterious or cool in the photos.
You stood up from the armchair he was sitting on and knelt on the plush carpet. The change in position framed the shot better, and the softness of the carpet reminded him that Gackt really did always get the best rooms. “I’ve lost count.”
“Hmm,” Gackt murmured. “Maybe I should count those instead of sheep whenever I can’t sleep.”
“Maybe,” You agreed.
They fell back into a comfortable silence. You was eagerly snapping away as Gackt occasionally moved around the couch, his head coming to rest on his arms and his eyes slipping shut slowly as he quickly lost interest in watching Waratte Iitomo in silence. The only sound in the room was the occasional beep of Gackt’s still switched on Mac that signified that yet another email had landed in his over stuffed inbox, but Gackt didn’t care. He was comfortable, he was content and most importantly, he was comfortable and content with You.
You always used to ask if he could photograph him. Whenever You had a new camera, lens or new technique he wanted to try then Gackt would gladly donate what little time he had to spare to help You test his new equipment or settings. Sometimes, when they were both bored and Gackt was beginning to cause trouble with the help of permanent marker pens and unsuspecting sleeping crew members, they’d have a photo session together for no reason other than You liked to take photos and Gackt liked to be photographed. Sure, professional photo sessions where Gackt wore a steady procession of clothes that were sometimes itchy and the wrong size while he was forced to pose for hours on end were never fun, but the relaxed sessions with You, where Gackt could wear what he wanted and just sit and relax, were something he loved.
Sometimes, when in the middle of a busy tour or promotional cycle where seemingly everyone in Japan wanted a piece of Gackt, those photo shoots were the only time he got to spend with You. As the years had progressed he’d come to savour and cherish every single session they had.
“What have you done with the photos you take of me?” Gackt questioned.
You’s finger slipped on the shutter button. “I still have them all. I keep them just like I keep every photo I take.”
Gackt laughed. “You do take a lot of photos! No matter where we go you always have a camera around your neck.”
“You never know when you’re going to find the perfect thing to photograph,” You offered as an explanation. “Why are you asking all of these questions anyway?”
Gackt removed his arms from his legs and pulled his feet from the couch. Instead he placed his feet on the floor and crossed his legs at the ankles while continuing to look towards the television. “I’m interested. Photography is such a big part of your life but I know nothing about why it is. All I know is that you like to photograph things and use me as your own personal model.”
“Does that bother you? That I photograph you so much?”
Gackt shook his head. “Not at all. If I did I wouldn’t agree. I just don’t understand the pull of photography. I’d rather see things with my own eyes than through a lens.”
“I can understand that,” You said, “but you’re looking at it from the wrong angle. I’m not simply making a record of what already exists; I’m trying to create a new record from my perspective. It’s a form of expression, just like writing a song is. I could say why write songs about love when you could live it. It’s the same argument.”
Gackt fell silent. He didn’t feel that the love metaphor was a particularly wise one for You to use, considering the situation between them, but he couldn’t deny that it worked. “I never looked at photography as expression before. Maybe I should start…”
You snorted. “You don’t have the patience to line up a shot or to wait for a person or animal to move into that perfect pose for you.”
“Yeah, probably not,” Gackt laughed. “You’ll have to be my own personal photographer then.”
“Like I am now?”
“Like you are now.”
You smiled and resumed taking photos. Gackt looked a little tired again and stifled a yawn as You continued snapping away. You had missed simply spending time with Gackt for no reason other than that they liked each other’s company. So much of their friendship was based upon their working relationship these days, but it was so nice to spend time together without having to discuss set lists or practises or recording schedules or any of the other things that were their working life. You was also glad that Gackt had been able to switch off his work mode and actually sit back and relax. It was refreshing to see the singer indulging in peace, quiet and nothingness.
But Gackt could never stay quiet for too long. “What’s your favourite thing to photograph?”
“Hmm?” You asked, concentrating on framing his shot correctly.
“We’ve travelled the world together, You-kun. We’ve seen so many beautiful sights, and you’ve photographed them all. What’s your favourite?”
You paused, moving the camera from his eye to be held at waist height. What was his favourite? He had photo album after photo album and hard drive after hard drive full of the most beautiful photos. He’d seen sights most professional photographers would love to see. Asking him to choose one favourite of thousands of shoots was impossible, it was like asking a mother to choose her favourite child or asking Gackt to pick his favourite of the songs he’d written.
But, You knew, that wasn’t entirely true. It wasn’t really that impossible for him. As soon as Gackt had first asked the question he’d known the answer, and as he knelt there, the camera a reassuring weight in his hand and contemplated all of those photos he’d taken, he knew that his first answer was the correct one.
“My favourite thing to photograph,” You said slowly, “is you.”
Gackt smiled. He was grateful that You was still trying to make things better between them by trying to placate his ego, but it was really unnecessary. “You don’t need to flatter me, You-kun, I know I’m beautiful.”
The obvious teasing tone in Gackt’s voice wasn’t lost on You. Gackt was laughing off his answer and disbelieving his words. “No, it really is you.”
“Why?” Gackt asked softly. “You’ve photographed the sakura trees in full bloom, all of the different sunsets the world has to offer and have seen the oldest and most striking architecture ever built. I don’t compare to that.”
“But they’re all just things, Gaku. Buildings have no personality, sunsets are fleeting and sakura trees are just as plain as any other tree for eleven months of the year. How can they compare to you?”
Gackt knew he was blushing. He could feel the heat in his cheeks and he hated that You’s words had that power over him. He was used to compliments over his looks. His sister, who diligently kept scrapbooks of every newspaper, magazine or website that featured her kid brother, had scrapbooks devoted purely to all of those most beautiful, most handsome and best body polls that Gackt had won over the years and took great delight in teasing him with them.
He’d seen his peers fall at his feet on numerous television shows, could remember those days when he was a regular on Domoto Kyoudai and was always picked as the panel member the female guest wanted to date and had video after video of his flirtations with giggling female presenters. Gackt knew that he could open his Nifty email account, pick any fan emails at random, and find a never ending stream of comments about his looks.
Gackt knew that with the right make up, clothes and hair styling, he was beautiful. But hearing those words from You was as heart warming and embarrassing as the first compliment he’d ever received, back when he was a confused junior high student full of hormones he had no hope to control.
“Are you… are you blushing, Gaku?”
Gackt shook his head to signal that he wasn’t, but even he knew it was a pointless gesture. Thanks to the bright lighting that You had insisted on, he was sure that his blush was pretty obvious.
“Yes you are!” You said with a laugh. “Why are you blushing? You have people complimenting you a hundred times a day. You compliment yourself at least four times before breakfast.”
Gackt’s blush deepened and he found that he couldn’t look You in the eye when he spoke next. “None of those people are you, You-kun.”
You was puzzled. “Why am I so special…” and then he remembered. “Oh. That..”
“Yes, that,” Gackt replied sadly, his eyes firmly fixed to the floor.
Gackt’s gaze may have been fixed to the floor but he could still hear the sound of You nervously shuffling on his knees. Things had been so easy between them since the poker game in Sendai that Gackt wasn’t really surprised that You had forgotten about Gackt’s feelings for him. It hadn’t been an issue for so long that Gackt could almost forget about it himself, or at least he could forget until he saw You again and then all of that love that he’d tried to repress just came rushing back at him like a tidal wave threatening to carry him away with the surf.
Gackt could have kicked himself. Things were so easy because You had forgotten about it, but he just had to remind him didn’t he? Gackt desperately wanted to take the words back, to pretend that he wasn’t blushing or that it was a trick of the light and in no way related to the fact that he was still completely, utterly and hopelessly in love with a man that had just placed him above every natural wonder and beauty that the world had to offer.
When You calmly put his camera away in its carrying case, Gackt was expecting You to leave the room. The last thing he expected was for You to sit down on the couch next to him.
“I’m sorry, Gaku, I shouldn’t have said what I said. I wasn’t thinking. I can’t imagine what it must have sounded like to you,”
“It’s okay,” Gackt replied. “You don’t have to watch every word you say around me. I’m not made of glass.”
“I know but…” You couldn’t finish his sentence. He knew that Gackt was one of the toughest people mentally that he’d ever met, he had to be tough to cope with the demands of his career and the limitations of his body, but You was also aware that their friendship was still delicate.
“Don’t worry about it,” Gackt said, “you gave me a wonderful compliment and it was enough to make anyone blush. Even beautiful attention seekers like me can blush occasionally.”
You still looked troubled and annoyed at himself so Gackt gave him the biggest smile he could manage to reassure him that it really was okay. The last thing Gackt wanted was for You to feel that he had to watch his words and be cautious around him. Even if You’s words stung and were a reminder of what Gackt couldn’t have, Gackt still wanted You to feel comfortable enough to voice them.
Their friendship had survived as long as it had due to the honesty and trust that flowed between them. You was the only person, apart from Chacha sometimes, who could stand before Gackt and point out his failings and stupidity. But, unlike Chacha, when You called Gackt out on his obnoxiousness, ego or questionable behaviour, Gackt always listened. You was his conscience, his common sense and his voice of reason. You was the person who pulled him back from the abyss when he threatened to do something so unbelievably stupid that it would risk everything he’d ever worked for, and he didn’t want to lose that because You was being too careful with his words.
“You can always speak freely with me, You-kun,” Gackt said, “that hasn’t changed. I don’t want you to watch your words because you think they’ll hurt me. I need you to be honest with me, all of the time, even if it hurts.”
You sighed. “I don’t want to hurt you, Gaku.”
“Isn’t that how we found ourselves in this mess to begin with? You were too frightened of saying the wrong thing to even speak to me in Europe and we nearly lost each other because of it. Speak up. You’ve said some really harsh things to me over the years, but I’m still here, with you.”
“I wonder why some days…”
Gackt smiled again. “We’ve had this discussion before, only that time it was me asking you why you were still here. All I want is for you to be honest with me, don’t hide your thoughts or feelings. I think I deserve that.”
You couldn’t disagree. “I’m just scared of ruining our friendship.”
“Holding back is more likely to do that being honest, You-kun. I know that you would never intentionally say or do anything to hurt me.”
“You have a lot of faith in me, Gakkun.”
Gackt watched as You’s eyes slipped shut. It had been years since they’d had a discussion like this, where they’d told each other how much their friendship meant and how deep it ran. They threw the ‘soul mates’ label around all of the time but rarely defined what it meant. The last time, if Gackt recalled correctly, was when Ren left the band and Gackt had been worried that You would walk out of the door with him.
It was strange. Gackt told the other members of his family such as Chacha, the dancers and his most trusted crew members what they meant to him all of the time, but he never really voiced the same sentiments to You. He assumed that You already knew.
Seems he was wrong.
Gackt shrugged his shoulders. “You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you. I trust you more than I trust myself.”
You opened his eyes and before Gackt could realise what was happening, You had leaned across the space between them and loosely thrown his arms around Gackt’s back, pulling the unsuspecting singer into an awkward hug. You’s hands rested gently on his shoulder blades, and the only other contact between their bodies was a barely there touch of their chests. The position You had twisted him into made his back ache, and it was the most uncomfortable hug Gackt had ever had.
It was also the best hug Gackt had ever had.
Gackt shuffled closer to You and adjusted his position so that his back wasn’t being contorted quite as much, and things became so much more comfortable. He draped his arms across You’s back and felt You’s body relax at the touch. He was still leaning into You and it meant that his head rested in the crook of You’s neck, close enough to almost taste the smooth skin that lay beneath his cheek.
He could smell You’s delicate cologne all around him and his eyes slipped shut in contentment. If this is what his future friendship with You would feel like, he could be content with just that.
You had been nervous that Gackt would push him away, but had found that after Gackt’s declaration of utter trust and faith in him, he had no words to answer with. The hug had been an impulsive move, one that he thought would blow up in his face, but when Gackt’s arms came around his back and the singer relaxed into his arms, he knew that the hug had been the right decision to make.
He could feel Gackt’s warm breath against his neck and smell the heavy scent of Platinum Egoist all around him, enveloping him in its familiarity. He tightened his embrace around Gackt’s back and rested his head atop Gackt’s, the loose, soft and silky strands of Gackt’s hair tickling his throat slightly.
You didn’t want to break the silence, but felt that he ought to say something. “Thank you, Gaku.”
“Hmm?” Gackt murmured sleepily, “what for?”
“For giving me another chance after I fucked up so spectacularly in Europe.”
Gackt chuckled. “I think we both fucked up in Europe.”
“True,” You acquiesced, “we’re okay now though, right?”
“We’re okay.”
“Definitely?” You asked with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
Gackt laughed at You’s nervousness. It was cute, and Gackt felt like he should be able to see You’s face when he answered, but he already knew what he’d see. Big brown eyes, a furrowed brow and You would be nibbling slightly on his bottom lip with his teeth, just like he always did when he was nervously anticipating an answer.
Gackt raised his head, but kept his arms around You, and looked at his friend. Yep. Big brown eyes, a furrowed brow and nibbling at his bottom lip, just as expected. He caught You’s eye and smiled, ready to answer and reassure You that everything really was alright.
But then, You was kissing him.
Gackt couldn’t react. You’s slightly chapped lips were pressed against his own, moving hesitantly as they tried to coax Gackt into kissing back. One of You’s hands snaked into Gackt’s thick hair as You continued to kiss him, and Gackt was simply too stunned to consider returning the kiss. You mewled quietly in disappointment and frustration, and the sound was enough for Gackt to wake up and begin kissing back.
You felt Gackt’s tongue teasing his bottom lip so he opened his mouth, allowing Gackt to take control of the kiss he’d instigated. Gackt’s grip on his back tightened and the singer pulled them closer together as You’s hand ran through the soft satin of Gackt’s hair until it came to rest on the face that he’d spent hours photographing. Gackt was moaning, or was it him, and every sound ran down his spine and set his nerves on fire.
As quickly as it had begun, the kiss was over and Gackt had jumped to his feet.
Gackt paced in front of him, walking rapidly and turning tight corners as he kept walking from the still switched on television to the armchair You had been seated in earlier. It was a sure sign of the man’s agitation, and You had this sudden sinking feeling that all of the progress they’d made that afternoon was a few wrong words away from being lost forever.
“Why… why did you do that?!” Gackt asked.
Why had he done it? When Gackt had lifted his head and those natural brown eyes had locked with You’s own eyes, You had been overcome with this sudden urge to taste those lips that hovered so close to his own. It had been a compulsion that he couldn’t fight, it had felt as if his life depended on feeling those lips against on his own and he had been powerless to stop it.
You could still smell Egoist. “It felt like the right thing to do…”
“Why? Because you thought I wanted it?” Gackt asked. “What were you thinking?!”
You knew that he wasn’t really thinking anything other than that Gackt’s lips looked nice, but he knew better than to voice that answer. “I don’t know.”
Gackt stopped pacing and stood in front of the still seated You. “That’s not a good answer, You.”
“I know,” You agreed. “I just… I don’t know what happened.”
Gackt didn’t want to be there anymore. He could cope with being You’s friend, he could cope with hugging him and spending every waking moment with him, but he couldn’t cope with being kissed by You unless there were feelings behind it. If it had been anyone other than You, he’d have accused them of playing mind games with him and of wanting to destroy him, but this was You, his You, who would never intentionally hurt him.
Gackt had said earlier that he trusted You. He had no choice but to do so.
“Don’t kiss me unless you mean it,” Gackt said harshly before adding in a soft and hopeful voice, “did you mean it?”
The truth was that You didn’t know. You was reminded of those words Chacha had said to him after the poker game in Sendai. “Be a hundred percent certain of everything you say to Gackt.” He understood now what Chacha had meant. Gackt deserved nothing but the truth and You knew that even if that truth hurt, his friendship with Gackt would survive. However, if he lied or misinterpreted his feelings…
“I don’t know, Gaku,” You answered softly. “I don’t know if I meant it. I don’t know what I want.”
“Maybe you should decide,” Gackt stated. “I can be your friend, You, but I’m not going to be anything more unless you really want it. I know my relationships usually only last however long it takes for me to kick them out of my hotel room, but I can’t do that with you. It’s all or nothing. If you can’t give me your all, then I want nothing.”
Winner takes all.
You couldn’t answer.
You’s confusion was obvious, and Gackt decided to give him a reprieve, even though it killed him to be left hanging and confused, unsure of exactly what You wanted. “Okay, the last show here is tomorrow, and then we have a few days break before the final shows in Tokyo. Take some time. Think things through. Come and speak to me in Tokyo when you can give me an answer.”
When Gackt picked up his camera bag and handed it to him, You recognised the gesture for what it was. Gackt wanted him out of his hotel room, but the sad smile etched on those lips that he’d tasted only moments ago showed that there was no anger there, only resignation as Gackt already thought he knew what You’s answer would be.
As You left Gackt’s hotel room, he was reminded of something else Chacha had said.
“One day, you’re going to wake up. When you do, don’t fuck it up.”
TBC...
Notes
1) Is this progress??
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