Beginnings - 君が待っているから (5/15)
Title - Beginnings - 君が待っているから (5/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 3,718 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt really shouldn't have drank all of that tequila.
Osaka, July 9th
The drink in You’s hand had remained untouched for the last hour, the ice cubes long since melted and the liquid rapidly reaching room temperature. He guessed that he should probably get himself a fresh drink and join in with the celebrations, but he wasn’t in the mood for getting drunk, not when he had a Gackt puzzle to figure out.
Gackt was, as always, the life and soul of the party and was currently conducting a tequila contest on the other side of the hotel bar with anyone stupid enough to try and match him. The party had been Gackt’s idea so that he could show his gratitude for everyone’s hard work during the first leg of the Japanese tour, to look forward to the European tour and to celebrate that everyone on the crew was still standing and had suffered no serious injuries.
Although, You thought, Gackt had skirted quite close to failing that last one himself.
That was part of the reason why You stood with a warm shot of whiskey in his hands. He couldn’t deny that Gackt had been better since the incident on his birthday and there had been no more collapses or trips to the hospital during their stay in Osaka, but still, You worried. It was a very fine line between healthy and hospital for Gackt, and after two hospital trips in as many weeks, You thought he’d best be on his guard.
But the main reason why he was keeping a clear head while everyone around him was dancing on the tables was because he wanted to watch Gackt. Ever since Gackt's birthday and they’d woken up, snuggled under the sheets together with You draped over Gackt’s half naked body, Gackt had been acting strange.
Well, stranger than normal anyhow.
He’d been spending a lot of time alone, in his hotel room, preferring to skip after show parties in favour of some alone time. You’s first thought had been that Gackt was going through one of his ‘phases’ where he’d disappear for a few hours only to come back with a thoroughly fucked fangirl or boy trailing in his wake, but no, not this time. Those staff members who were paid to know exactly where Gackt was at all times and who he was with had assured him that Gackt’s alone time was exactly that - alone.
Even when Gackt was in the green room at the Osaka Zepp, surrounded by the noise and activity of the band and crew, he was in his own little world, staring into space with a look of concentration on his face. He had something on his mind, of that You had no doubt, and You couldn’t shake the feeling that it was his fault as it had all started after that cosy morning in Gackt’s hotel room.
“The thing with drinks, You-kun,” Chacha said as he took the seat next to You, “is that to make them disappear, you have to drink them.”
You briefly looked at his friend before turning his gaze back to Gackt. “I’m not in a drinking mood.”
Chacha didn’t need to follow You’s line of sight to know where he was looking. “You’ve noticed too huh?”
“Noticed what?”
“Gackt,” Chacha stated simply. “He’s been acting a little… un-Gacktish these last few days hasn’t he?”
You didn’t answer.
“Do you know….”
“No, Cha,” You answered. “I don’t know why. He hasn’t spoken to me anymore than he’s spoken to you.”
“Hmm,” Chacha said before taking a sip from his drink, “maybe you should go and speak to him. Alcohol sometimes loosens his tongue doesn’t it?”
You didn’t know if that was a good idea. Even when in a drunken state Gackt still had walls and that pride that meant he would never be entirely honest, but Chacha had a point, he was far more likely to talk than when he was sober. It would be his best chance to find out why Gackt had been acting so strangely, but did he want to know? If his guess was correct and it had been that morning that had caused the sudden shift in Gackt’s behaviour then what next?
“If you don’t talk to him then I will,” Chacha stated.
Decision made. “No, I will. He’s more likely to talk to me I guess.”
Chacha raised his near empty glass into the air and gestured in Gackt’s direction. “I think now’s your chance. By the look of Junji he’s about ready to pass out and lose the contest.”
You bid Chacha farewell and was soon stood at the other side of the bar, watching silently as Gackt and Junji both knocked back another shot of tequila much to the delight of the gathered crew members that were cheering them on. The table in front of the pair was a mess of shot glasses, discarded limes and salt shakers but it looked like the lime and salt had long since been discarded in favour of straight shots. The tequila bottle on the middle of the table was practically empty.
“Ugggggh, I hate tequila,” Junji moaned. “How do I get myself into these things?”
“It’s because you’re obsessed with finding something you can beat Gackt at,” You answered. “If I were you, I’d stop trying.”
“You?” Junji asked. “Why are there four of you?”
Gackt giggled. Oh, he was definitely drunk if he was giggling. “It’s because you’re drunk! There’s only one lovely You-kun and look! He’s bought me a drink!”
Before You could react Gackt had snatched the warm whiskey from his hands and had swallowed it in one long drink. It made the singer cough, the harsh action made worse by the scratchiness that was already present on Gackt’s throat after several nights of screaming and singing.
When Gackt spoke next his voice sounded as croaky and scratched as his throat no doubt felt. “I don’t think I should have drunk that.”
“I don’t think you should have drunk all of those tequilas either,” You answered, “but you did all the same.”
Gackt shook his head. “No, no… I like tequila. It helps me think and I need to think right now.. I want more tequila. Junji?”
Junji had his head pillowed on his arms on the table, and You could see that he’d finally passed out. Gackt didn’t take Junji’s lack of response as a suitable answer and starting poking his face, narrowly avoiding his eyelids before moving on to tugging at his orange hair.
“I think he’s had enough tequila for one night, Gaku,” You said. “And I think you have too.”
“No!” Gackt exclaimed, “I still have things I need to think about. More tequila!”
You sighed. Dealing with a drunk Gackt was like playing Russian Roulette - you’d either find him empty and acting like a spoilt child, or he’d be the bullet waiting to pierce your skin and make you bleed.
You knew he wasn’t going to get any sense out of Gackt while the bar was there to distract him, and he could tell by the flush on his usually smooth pale skin that he’d already drunk enough for one night. It was time for Gackt to call it a night. “How about we go back to your suite and have a tequila contest of our own?”
“More tequila?” Gackt asked.
“More tequila,” You confirmed.
The lure of tequila was enough for You to be able to get Gackt back to his suite with only the minimum of fuss. Gackt was quiet but agitated, bouncing on his heels as he walked and pressing every button in the elevator when they entered it ensuring that their ride to the twenty-first floor of the hotel was as painfully long as possible.
They entered the suite after You had commandeered Gackt’s keycard from him and opened the door and Gackt immediately jumped onto the sofa in the living room, his eyes following You expectantly as he slowly walked inside and headed to the fridge. Gackt was too drunk too notice that it was water that filled the glass You gave him, not tequila, and he accepted and drank it eagerly.
“This doesn’t taste like tequila,” Gackt stated.
“It’s a new brand,” You answered. “It’s really expensive and exclusive.”
Gackt was satisfied with the answer and continued drinking.
The room was silent other than the occasional hiccup and hum of contentment from Gackt, and now that You had him alone, drunk and just as trusting of him as ever, he didn’t know how to approach the subject of what was wrong. Manipulation wasn’t his forte and he felt guilty for even agreeing to try and take advantage of Gackt’s drunkenness. Maybe he should have let Chacha do it instead.
“You-kun… my glass is empty. I can’t think with an empty glass.”
You stared at the glass. “What do you need to think about?”
Gackt sighed and relaxed back into the sofa. “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
“Is it something crazy for us to do? I’m not doing any more naked CD covers.”
Gackt giggled hard until the giggles gave way to coughs. “It’s nothing to do with the band. I just wonder, sometimes, if…”
“If what?”
“I enjoyed my birthday,” Gackt said, abruptly changing the subject. “I like bowling. We should do that again.”
“Of course you like bowling,” You said, “you always win.”
“That’s because I’m awesome,” Gackt said with a dramatic wave of his hand, “I’m Gackt; I can do everything!”
You turned to look at him, his soft brown eyes burning into Gackt’s fake blue ones. “I think we’ve discussed this before, Gaku. You aren’t superman, even you have limits.”
There was a pout on Gackt’s lips that made him look far younger than normal, and You found it hard to reconcile the man that sat next to him with the one that owned any stage he walked upon. There was an innocence and vulnerability in the man currently staring at him with mournful blue eyes that could never exist in the man that stood in front of the cameras.
“I wish I could fly,” Gackt said. “I wish I had skin like steel and could be everyone’s hero.”
“You do fly, Gaku, just in a different way. And there are plenty of people out there who worship the ground you walk on.”
Gackt closed his eyes. “But it’s never the people I want.”
“We can’t always have everything we want, even if we deserve to have it.”
They both fell into silence and You followed Gackt’s lead by falling back into the sofa too. He turned his head so that he could look at Gackt and saw that he had his face angled towards the ceiling with his eyes still tightly closed. He looked so sad. You wanted nothing more than to make him happy again.
“So instead, Gaku, we should concentrate on the things that we do have.”
Gackt opened his eyes. “What do I have?”
You wasn’t sure if it was genuine question or a rhetorical one but decided to answer all the same. “You have a talent for music that occurs only once or twice in a generation. You have a network of friends who would follow you into hell and back if you asked. You have millions of fans the world over who care for you as if they know you. You have Chacha, who’ll never judge you or condemn you because he knows how good your heart is.
“And,” You continued, “you have me.”
With You’s last few words the sadness slipped away from Gackt’s face to be replaced by a smile so bright You felt like he was blind. He couldn’t help but smile back and when he saw Gackt’s hand tapping a quick rhythm on the seat that lay between them, and it seemed perfectly natural to take a hold of it, just like he had those times before.
Suddenly Gackt’s eyes were on him, focused with a clarity not usually seen in drunk people. Gackt’s smile grew wider and brighter and You couldn’t help but echo it as his hand tightened around Gackt’s. He still didn’t know for sure what issue had been lying heavily on Gackt’s mind, but Gackt was happy now, that’s all that mattered.
Gackt’s happiness was always infectious, and You was so caught up in the wave of happiness that flowed over him, that it took him a few seconds to realise that the soft pressure he felt against his lips was because of Gackt.
Gackt was kissing him.
As soon as You’s brain had managed to process that Gackt was indeed kissing him with those soft, sweet lips, the kiss had ended and Gackt had passed out.
*~*~*~
“C’mon sleeping beauty. Time to rise and shine.”
Gackt gingerly opened one eye, but immediately shut it again after the light in the room attacked him violently and added to the pounding already present in his head. His head hurt. His throat hurt. His back hurt. Even parts of his body that he didn’t know the names of hurt.
“C’mon, Gaku, the world isn’t going to go away just because you refuse to look at it.”
The voice was familiar, painfully loud and cheerful and showed no regard whatsoever for the immense pain that he was feeling. It could only belong to You.
“You-kun… go away….”
“No,” You answered simply. “You have nobody to blame for this other than yourself. I’ve bought you some painkillers though, if you want them.”
Gackt tried to open his eyes again and was pleased to find that this time, the light wasn’t as bad as You was standing closer and shielding him from the open windows. He lay on the sofa, still fully dressed in the clothes he’d worn last night underneath a hotel issued blanket and he could feel that his contact lenses had slipped and were somewhere at the top of his eyeballs.
How he hated the morning after the night before.
Gackt sat up, quickly removing the errant contact lenses and throwing them onto the table to be discarded later before taking the offered painkillers and water from You. He leaned back into the sofa, and You sat next to him, simply observing him as he tried to ignore the headache that was throbbing through his temples.
Gackt looked at You and there was something about the way they were sitting on the sofa that sparked a memory… You had bought him up to his suite last night. They’d talked… You must have been the person to give him the blanket before he left. Had he fallen asleep on You? What had they talked about?
Gackt pinched his nose between his fingers. He remembered drinking some odd tasting tequila, he remembered feeling really sad and then really happy… He remembered how loved You had made him feel and how kissable his lips had looked..
Shit.
He’d kissed him.
Gackt groaned.
“How are you feeling?” You asked.
Gackt honestly didn’t know how to answer. He’d kissed You. On the lips. And it had been far more than his usual friendly kisses could ever be. Yet here You was, smiling and looking after him again as if all was right with the world. He’d even hung around long enough last night to cover him with a blanket simply because he cared.
For the last few days Gackt had done nothing but think of You. He’d come to terms with the depth of his feelings within a few hours and had spent every possible moment alone, trying to figure out what to do next. He valued his friendship with You above everything else in the world, more than possessions, more than family, more than his career, and he didn’t want to risk losing it if You didn’t feel the same.
He’d thought through every option from confessing his feelings, to keeping quiet, to asking Chacha to question You like they were sixteen year olds still in high school, but he hadn’t been able to come to a decision. He knew that You cared for him like no other. He knew that You loved him, but was You in love with him?
He had to find out.
“You-kun,” Gackt said hesitantly, “did I say or do anything stupid last night?”
You paused for a moment before answering. “No, you didn’t.”
Gackt had never felt happier. You didn’t think that the kiss was stupid and You never lied to him.
As he sat there in his suite, with his head still pounding and You’s comforting warmth by his side, Gackt came to a decision. This was more than just friendly or even brotherly love. It had to be. Nobody made him feel as warm, protected and special as You did and You gave him every sign that he felt the same way.
Gackt closed the small distance between them and kissed him again.
It felt better this time without an alcoholic haze dulling his senses. You’s lips were welcoming and soft and within a fraction of a second Gackt knew that he was addicted to their touch. Kissing him had been a natural thing to do and Gackt revelled in the feel of You’s lips against his, even if You was so frozen with shock at his action that he wasn’t moving, let alone kissing back.
They had time to work things through.
Gackt pulled away and smiled. You just stared at him. “I love…”
“Don’t,” You interrupted him. “Please, Gaku, don’t say…”
“I’m in love with you.”
You sighed in sadness and resignation, and Gackt felt as if the bottom had fallen out of his world. That sigh said only thing - he didn’t feel the same. You hadn’t kissed back not because he was shocked, but because he didn’t want to. You didn’t want him.
Gackt had never felt so sick.
“I wish you hadn’t said that,” You said softly, “and I wish I didn’t believe you.”
Gackt couldn’t say anything. How could he find any words when his heart had just been shattered into a million pieces? He just wanted to crawl into the corner and disappear from sight. He wanted to hit the rewind button so that he could take the words back. He wished he’d still been so drunk that anything he said could be written off as the actions of a drunken man, just as he now knew You had done with the kiss the night before.
“I’m sorry Gaku, but I don’t…”
“It’s okay.”
“…I can’t…”
“It’s okay, You,” Gackt said with a force and cheer that he didn’t feel. “You don’t have to say anything.” Please don’t say anything.. I can’t bear to hear that pity in your voice.
“You’re my best friend,” You said, ignoring Gackt’s continued protests, “you’re more than a brother to me and there is nobody in this world that I care for more than you. I’m just so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Gackt whispered.
You didn’t know what to do. He wished he’d never listened to Chacha. He wished he’d never dragged Gackt out of the bar last night to find out what was troubling him when all along, he’d been the one causing the trouble. He wished he still lived in blissful ignorance where Gackt had never said those words and he didn’t know they existed. He wished that this awkwardness that existed between them would disappear.
The openness that had been in Gackt’s eyes earlier was quickly closing down, and You could sense that he was withdrawing into himself, rapidly locking away those emotions that made him, in his eyes, weak until nothing of them remained. Gackt had always been willing to let You in, just a little bit, and the knowledge that he was now locking him out hurt You more than he thought possible.
You just wanted everything back the way it was and had no idea how to achieve that.
“Don’t look so sad, You,” Gackt said, “you haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I have,” You answered. “I’ve hurt you and I always promised that I would never do that.”
Hurt? Try tortured and annihilated. But Gackt, always waging war against his own perceived weaknesses and humanity, refused to let the hurt show. He had meant what he said as You really hadn’t done anything wrong and the obvious guilt that he felt was just one more thing that made every breath Gackt took hurt.
Gackt just wanted everything back the way it was.
He smiled at You, but it was a bitter smile with no trace of joy or warmth. “I’m not a love sick teenager, You. Don’t feel guilty for not… feeling the same.”
“I still love you as a friend, Gaku,” You said, trying to make the situation better without realising that every word just made it so much worse, “and I’ll still be with you until the end, like I’ve always said I would. Can we still be friends?”
Gackt had no choice but to agree. He needed You in his life, he doubted he could function without the other man there, pushing at his back, and he’d accept any conditions You gave if it meant that You would stay with him. “I’d like that. I don’t want to lose you completely.”
You smiled. “You never could.”
Gackt wasn’t so sure, but made no comment.
He needed to be alone. Just having You there, smiling at him, so close, but yet so far was driving him insane. “I need to take a shower and clean up. I’ll see you later, yes?”
You thought that they needed to talk through the issue some more, but he also recognised that Gackt was hurting and needed some alone time. At that point, he thought Gackt’s needs outweighed his own. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
You stood up and walked to the door leaving Gackt still seated on the sofa, not moving a single muscle. Just as he was about to leave he turned back and looked at his friend. “We will be okay, won’t we, Gaku? I don’t want to lose you over this.”
That same bitter smile was still present on Gackt’s face. “Of course we’ll be okay, You.”
But things will never be the same.
TBC...
Notes
1) Ohhhh, Gackt...
2) Ohhhh, You...
3) Maybe this moved a little fast, but from everything Gackt has said in the past, I don't see him as the type to take his time when it comes to declaring his feelings for someone. Even if there is as much at risk as there was for him with You.
4) Next few parts are in Europe!
Previous part - LU:NA
Next part - Mind Forest
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 3,718 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt really shouldn't have drank all of that tequila.
Osaka, July 9th
The drink in You’s hand had remained untouched for the last hour, the ice cubes long since melted and the liquid rapidly reaching room temperature. He guessed that he should probably get himself a fresh drink and join in with the celebrations, but he wasn’t in the mood for getting drunk, not when he had a Gackt puzzle to figure out.
Gackt was, as always, the life and soul of the party and was currently conducting a tequila contest on the other side of the hotel bar with anyone stupid enough to try and match him. The party had been Gackt’s idea so that he could show his gratitude for everyone’s hard work during the first leg of the Japanese tour, to look forward to the European tour and to celebrate that everyone on the crew was still standing and had suffered no serious injuries.
Although, You thought, Gackt had skirted quite close to failing that last one himself.
That was part of the reason why You stood with a warm shot of whiskey in his hands. He couldn’t deny that Gackt had been better since the incident on his birthday and there had been no more collapses or trips to the hospital during their stay in Osaka, but still, You worried. It was a very fine line between healthy and hospital for Gackt, and after two hospital trips in as many weeks, You thought he’d best be on his guard.
But the main reason why he was keeping a clear head while everyone around him was dancing on the tables was because he wanted to watch Gackt. Ever since Gackt's birthday and they’d woken up, snuggled under the sheets together with You draped over Gackt’s half naked body, Gackt had been acting strange.
Well, stranger than normal anyhow.
He’d been spending a lot of time alone, in his hotel room, preferring to skip after show parties in favour of some alone time. You’s first thought had been that Gackt was going through one of his ‘phases’ where he’d disappear for a few hours only to come back with a thoroughly fucked fangirl or boy trailing in his wake, but no, not this time. Those staff members who were paid to know exactly where Gackt was at all times and who he was with had assured him that Gackt’s alone time was exactly that - alone.
Even when Gackt was in the green room at the Osaka Zepp, surrounded by the noise and activity of the band and crew, he was in his own little world, staring into space with a look of concentration on his face. He had something on his mind, of that You had no doubt, and You couldn’t shake the feeling that it was his fault as it had all started after that cosy morning in Gackt’s hotel room.
“The thing with drinks, You-kun,” Chacha said as he took the seat next to You, “is that to make them disappear, you have to drink them.”
You briefly looked at his friend before turning his gaze back to Gackt. “I’m not in a drinking mood.”
Chacha didn’t need to follow You’s line of sight to know where he was looking. “You’ve noticed too huh?”
“Noticed what?”
“Gackt,” Chacha stated simply. “He’s been acting a little… un-Gacktish these last few days hasn’t he?”
You didn’t answer.
“Do you know….”
“No, Cha,” You answered. “I don’t know why. He hasn’t spoken to me anymore than he’s spoken to you.”
“Hmm,” Chacha said before taking a sip from his drink, “maybe you should go and speak to him. Alcohol sometimes loosens his tongue doesn’t it?”
You didn’t know if that was a good idea. Even when in a drunken state Gackt still had walls and that pride that meant he would never be entirely honest, but Chacha had a point, he was far more likely to talk than when he was sober. It would be his best chance to find out why Gackt had been acting so strangely, but did he want to know? If his guess was correct and it had been that morning that had caused the sudden shift in Gackt’s behaviour then what next?
“If you don’t talk to him then I will,” Chacha stated.
Decision made. “No, I will. He’s more likely to talk to me I guess.”
Chacha raised his near empty glass into the air and gestured in Gackt’s direction. “I think now’s your chance. By the look of Junji he’s about ready to pass out and lose the contest.”
You bid Chacha farewell and was soon stood at the other side of the bar, watching silently as Gackt and Junji both knocked back another shot of tequila much to the delight of the gathered crew members that were cheering them on. The table in front of the pair was a mess of shot glasses, discarded limes and salt shakers but it looked like the lime and salt had long since been discarded in favour of straight shots. The tequila bottle on the middle of the table was practically empty.
“Ugggggh, I hate tequila,” Junji moaned. “How do I get myself into these things?”
“It’s because you’re obsessed with finding something you can beat Gackt at,” You answered. “If I were you, I’d stop trying.”
“You?” Junji asked. “Why are there four of you?”
Gackt giggled. Oh, he was definitely drunk if he was giggling. “It’s because you’re drunk! There’s only one lovely You-kun and look! He’s bought me a drink!”
Before You could react Gackt had snatched the warm whiskey from his hands and had swallowed it in one long drink. It made the singer cough, the harsh action made worse by the scratchiness that was already present on Gackt’s throat after several nights of screaming and singing.
When Gackt spoke next his voice sounded as croaky and scratched as his throat no doubt felt. “I don’t think I should have drunk that.”
“I don’t think you should have drunk all of those tequilas either,” You answered, “but you did all the same.”
Gackt shook his head. “No, no… I like tequila. It helps me think and I need to think right now.. I want more tequila. Junji?”
Junji had his head pillowed on his arms on the table, and You could see that he’d finally passed out. Gackt didn’t take Junji’s lack of response as a suitable answer and starting poking his face, narrowly avoiding his eyelids before moving on to tugging at his orange hair.
“I think he’s had enough tequila for one night, Gaku,” You said. “And I think you have too.”
“No!” Gackt exclaimed, “I still have things I need to think about. More tequila!”
You sighed. Dealing with a drunk Gackt was like playing Russian Roulette - you’d either find him empty and acting like a spoilt child, or he’d be the bullet waiting to pierce your skin and make you bleed.
You knew he wasn’t going to get any sense out of Gackt while the bar was there to distract him, and he could tell by the flush on his usually smooth pale skin that he’d already drunk enough for one night. It was time for Gackt to call it a night. “How about we go back to your suite and have a tequila contest of our own?”
“More tequila?” Gackt asked.
“More tequila,” You confirmed.
The lure of tequila was enough for You to be able to get Gackt back to his suite with only the minimum of fuss. Gackt was quiet but agitated, bouncing on his heels as he walked and pressing every button in the elevator when they entered it ensuring that their ride to the twenty-first floor of the hotel was as painfully long as possible.
They entered the suite after You had commandeered Gackt’s keycard from him and opened the door and Gackt immediately jumped onto the sofa in the living room, his eyes following You expectantly as he slowly walked inside and headed to the fridge. Gackt was too drunk too notice that it was water that filled the glass You gave him, not tequila, and he accepted and drank it eagerly.
“This doesn’t taste like tequila,” Gackt stated.
“It’s a new brand,” You answered. “It’s really expensive and exclusive.”
Gackt was satisfied with the answer and continued drinking.
The room was silent other than the occasional hiccup and hum of contentment from Gackt, and now that You had him alone, drunk and just as trusting of him as ever, he didn’t know how to approach the subject of what was wrong. Manipulation wasn’t his forte and he felt guilty for even agreeing to try and take advantage of Gackt’s drunkenness. Maybe he should have let Chacha do it instead.
“You-kun… my glass is empty. I can’t think with an empty glass.”
You stared at the glass. “What do you need to think about?”
Gackt sighed and relaxed back into the sofa. “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
“Is it something crazy for us to do? I’m not doing any more naked CD covers.”
Gackt giggled hard until the giggles gave way to coughs. “It’s nothing to do with the band. I just wonder, sometimes, if…”
“If what?”
“I enjoyed my birthday,” Gackt said, abruptly changing the subject. “I like bowling. We should do that again.”
“Of course you like bowling,” You said, “you always win.”
“That’s because I’m awesome,” Gackt said with a dramatic wave of his hand, “I’m Gackt; I can do everything!”
You turned to look at him, his soft brown eyes burning into Gackt’s fake blue ones. “I think we’ve discussed this before, Gaku. You aren’t superman, even you have limits.”
There was a pout on Gackt’s lips that made him look far younger than normal, and You found it hard to reconcile the man that sat next to him with the one that owned any stage he walked upon. There was an innocence and vulnerability in the man currently staring at him with mournful blue eyes that could never exist in the man that stood in front of the cameras.
“I wish I could fly,” Gackt said. “I wish I had skin like steel and could be everyone’s hero.”
“You do fly, Gaku, just in a different way. And there are plenty of people out there who worship the ground you walk on.”
Gackt closed his eyes. “But it’s never the people I want.”
“We can’t always have everything we want, even if we deserve to have it.”
They both fell into silence and You followed Gackt’s lead by falling back into the sofa too. He turned his head so that he could look at Gackt and saw that he had his face angled towards the ceiling with his eyes still tightly closed. He looked so sad. You wanted nothing more than to make him happy again.
“So instead, Gaku, we should concentrate on the things that we do have.”
Gackt opened his eyes. “What do I have?”
You wasn’t sure if it was genuine question or a rhetorical one but decided to answer all the same. “You have a talent for music that occurs only once or twice in a generation. You have a network of friends who would follow you into hell and back if you asked. You have millions of fans the world over who care for you as if they know you. You have Chacha, who’ll never judge you or condemn you because he knows how good your heart is.
“And,” You continued, “you have me.”
With You’s last few words the sadness slipped away from Gackt’s face to be replaced by a smile so bright You felt like he was blind. He couldn’t help but smile back and when he saw Gackt’s hand tapping a quick rhythm on the seat that lay between them, and it seemed perfectly natural to take a hold of it, just like he had those times before.
Suddenly Gackt’s eyes were on him, focused with a clarity not usually seen in drunk people. Gackt’s smile grew wider and brighter and You couldn’t help but echo it as his hand tightened around Gackt’s. He still didn’t know for sure what issue had been lying heavily on Gackt’s mind, but Gackt was happy now, that’s all that mattered.
Gackt’s happiness was always infectious, and You was so caught up in the wave of happiness that flowed over him, that it took him a few seconds to realise that the soft pressure he felt against his lips was because of Gackt.
Gackt was kissing him.
As soon as You’s brain had managed to process that Gackt was indeed kissing him with those soft, sweet lips, the kiss had ended and Gackt had passed out.
*~*~*~
“C’mon sleeping beauty. Time to rise and shine.”
Gackt gingerly opened one eye, but immediately shut it again after the light in the room attacked him violently and added to the pounding already present in his head. His head hurt. His throat hurt. His back hurt. Even parts of his body that he didn’t know the names of hurt.
“C’mon, Gaku, the world isn’t going to go away just because you refuse to look at it.”
The voice was familiar, painfully loud and cheerful and showed no regard whatsoever for the immense pain that he was feeling. It could only belong to You.
“You-kun… go away….”
“No,” You answered simply. “You have nobody to blame for this other than yourself. I’ve bought you some painkillers though, if you want them.”
Gackt tried to open his eyes again and was pleased to find that this time, the light wasn’t as bad as You was standing closer and shielding him from the open windows. He lay on the sofa, still fully dressed in the clothes he’d worn last night underneath a hotel issued blanket and he could feel that his contact lenses had slipped and were somewhere at the top of his eyeballs.
How he hated the morning after the night before.
Gackt sat up, quickly removing the errant contact lenses and throwing them onto the table to be discarded later before taking the offered painkillers and water from You. He leaned back into the sofa, and You sat next to him, simply observing him as he tried to ignore the headache that was throbbing through his temples.
Gackt looked at You and there was something about the way they were sitting on the sofa that sparked a memory… You had bought him up to his suite last night. They’d talked… You must have been the person to give him the blanket before he left. Had he fallen asleep on You? What had they talked about?
Gackt pinched his nose between his fingers. He remembered drinking some odd tasting tequila, he remembered feeling really sad and then really happy… He remembered how loved You had made him feel and how kissable his lips had looked..
Shit.
He’d kissed him.
Gackt groaned.
“How are you feeling?” You asked.
Gackt honestly didn’t know how to answer. He’d kissed You. On the lips. And it had been far more than his usual friendly kisses could ever be. Yet here You was, smiling and looking after him again as if all was right with the world. He’d even hung around long enough last night to cover him with a blanket simply because he cared.
For the last few days Gackt had done nothing but think of You. He’d come to terms with the depth of his feelings within a few hours and had spent every possible moment alone, trying to figure out what to do next. He valued his friendship with You above everything else in the world, more than possessions, more than family, more than his career, and he didn’t want to risk losing it if You didn’t feel the same.
He’d thought through every option from confessing his feelings, to keeping quiet, to asking Chacha to question You like they were sixteen year olds still in high school, but he hadn’t been able to come to a decision. He knew that You cared for him like no other. He knew that You loved him, but was You in love with him?
He had to find out.
“You-kun,” Gackt said hesitantly, “did I say or do anything stupid last night?”
You paused for a moment before answering. “No, you didn’t.”
Gackt had never felt happier. You didn’t think that the kiss was stupid and You never lied to him.
As he sat there in his suite, with his head still pounding and You’s comforting warmth by his side, Gackt came to a decision. This was more than just friendly or even brotherly love. It had to be. Nobody made him feel as warm, protected and special as You did and You gave him every sign that he felt the same way.
Gackt closed the small distance between them and kissed him again.
It felt better this time without an alcoholic haze dulling his senses. You’s lips were welcoming and soft and within a fraction of a second Gackt knew that he was addicted to their touch. Kissing him had been a natural thing to do and Gackt revelled in the feel of You’s lips against his, even if You was so frozen with shock at his action that he wasn’t moving, let alone kissing back.
They had time to work things through.
Gackt pulled away and smiled. You just stared at him. “I love…”
“Don’t,” You interrupted him. “Please, Gaku, don’t say…”
“I’m in love with you.”
You sighed in sadness and resignation, and Gackt felt as if the bottom had fallen out of his world. That sigh said only thing - he didn’t feel the same. You hadn’t kissed back not because he was shocked, but because he didn’t want to. You didn’t want him.
Gackt had never felt so sick.
“I wish you hadn’t said that,” You said softly, “and I wish I didn’t believe you.”
Gackt couldn’t say anything. How could he find any words when his heart had just been shattered into a million pieces? He just wanted to crawl into the corner and disappear from sight. He wanted to hit the rewind button so that he could take the words back. He wished he’d still been so drunk that anything he said could be written off as the actions of a drunken man, just as he now knew You had done with the kiss the night before.
“I’m sorry Gaku, but I don’t…”
“It’s okay.”
“…I can’t…”
“It’s okay, You,” Gackt said with a force and cheer that he didn’t feel. “You don’t have to say anything.” Please don’t say anything.. I can’t bear to hear that pity in your voice.
“You’re my best friend,” You said, ignoring Gackt’s continued protests, “you’re more than a brother to me and there is nobody in this world that I care for more than you. I’m just so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Gackt whispered.
You didn’t know what to do. He wished he’d never listened to Chacha. He wished he’d never dragged Gackt out of the bar last night to find out what was troubling him when all along, he’d been the one causing the trouble. He wished he still lived in blissful ignorance where Gackt had never said those words and he didn’t know they existed. He wished that this awkwardness that existed between them would disappear.
The openness that had been in Gackt’s eyes earlier was quickly closing down, and You could sense that he was withdrawing into himself, rapidly locking away those emotions that made him, in his eyes, weak until nothing of them remained. Gackt had always been willing to let You in, just a little bit, and the knowledge that he was now locking him out hurt You more than he thought possible.
You just wanted everything back the way it was and had no idea how to achieve that.
“Don’t look so sad, You,” Gackt said, “you haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I have,” You answered. “I’ve hurt you and I always promised that I would never do that.”
Hurt? Try tortured and annihilated. But Gackt, always waging war against his own perceived weaknesses and humanity, refused to let the hurt show. He had meant what he said as You really hadn’t done anything wrong and the obvious guilt that he felt was just one more thing that made every breath Gackt took hurt.
Gackt just wanted everything back the way it was.
He smiled at You, but it was a bitter smile with no trace of joy or warmth. “I’m not a love sick teenager, You. Don’t feel guilty for not… feeling the same.”
“I still love you as a friend, Gaku,” You said, trying to make the situation better without realising that every word just made it so much worse, “and I’ll still be with you until the end, like I’ve always said I would. Can we still be friends?”
Gackt had no choice but to agree. He needed You in his life, he doubted he could function without the other man there, pushing at his back, and he’d accept any conditions You gave if it meant that You would stay with him. “I’d like that. I don’t want to lose you completely.”
You smiled. “You never could.”
Gackt wasn’t so sure, but made no comment.
He needed to be alone. Just having You there, smiling at him, so close, but yet so far was driving him insane. “I need to take a shower and clean up. I’ll see you later, yes?”
You thought that they needed to talk through the issue some more, but he also recognised that Gackt was hurting and needed some alone time. At that point, he thought Gackt’s needs outweighed his own. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
You stood up and walked to the door leaving Gackt still seated on the sofa, not moving a single muscle. Just as he was about to leave he turned back and looked at his friend. “We will be okay, won’t we, Gaku? I don’t want to lose you over this.”
That same bitter smile was still present on Gackt’s face. “Of course we’ll be okay, You.”
But things will never be the same.
TBC...
Notes
1) Ohhhh, Gackt...
2) Ohhhh, You...
3) Maybe this moved a little fast, but from everything Gackt has said in the past, I don't see him as the type to take his time when it comes to declaring his feelings for someone. Even if there is as much at risk as there was for him with You.
4) Next few parts are in Europe!
Previous part - LU:NA
Next part - Mind Forest