Beginnings - LU:NA (4/15)
Title - Beginnings - LU:NA (4/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,919 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
It's Gackt's birthday and he comes to a realisation...
Osaka, July 4th
It was still early, that was the first thought that ran through You’s mind as his eyes opened and his brain slowly began to wake up. He could tell by the bright light that leaked through his mostly shut curtains that it was probably time for him to get up, but still, it felt far too early, especially after the celebrations of the night before.
His second thought was that dammit, his shoulder hurt. Night after night of intense guitar playing coupled with the marathon bowling competition he’d been roped into taking part in had not been kind to his shoulder. He sat up, the thin hotel sheets pooling around his bare waist and stretched his shoulder out, rotating the joint the best he could to try and ease some of the pain.
Once the worst of the pain had disappeared, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and looked at the display. 8:05am. He wasn’t needed for rehearsals until 1pm and had set his alarm for 10am so he still had time for another couple of hours of much needed sleep.
He placed his phone back onto the table and his eyes were drawn to the messy piece of paper that lay next to it. It was his bowling scores for the night and he picked it up, looking over the mess of numbers until he found the grand total; just two pins short of the birthday boy’s total.
Next time Gackt… next time.
Despite the ache in his shoulder, the sting to his pride of losing by the narrowest of margins, again, and the growing pounding in his head from one too many cocktails, it had been a good night. They’d arrived in Osaka early, and as Gackt had scheduled a concert for his actual birthday, again, it had been decided that they would celebrate the day before as well as the day itself.
It had started with a friendly game of bowling that had soon turned into the usual deathly serious competition that always occurred whenever Gackt was involved and had later moved onto an expensive bar in Osaka’s most exclusive district. He’d lost sight of Gackt in the early hours of the morning, the birthday boy no doubt celebrating in private somewhere with at least one of the pretty hostesses, but it had been a fun night nonetheless.
Even if he was now suffering.
His body craved more sleep, but You’s mind was wide awake. There was something ticking away at the back of his brain, that made him think that he shouldn’t go back to sleep. Was there something he was supposed to do this morning? Had he forgotten to do something last night? Whatever it was, he couldn’t shake the feeling so he dragged his protesting body into the shower and relaxed under the hot mist that eased some of his aches.
He was back in the main room of his hotel room, dressed and scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel when he heard a commotion in the hallway. The entire floor had been reserved for Gackt and his crew and security was strict, only those authorised and part of the tour were allowed to even step outside of the elevator so it was no doubt a friend or a colleague that was causing the noise.
He poked his head out of his hotel room door just in time to see Chad shoulder charging Gackt’s hotel room door.
Chacha stood in the hallway a few feet away and You quickly made his way over. “What’s happening?”
“We don’t know,” Chacha answered. “Gackt went back to his hotel room after he finished training this morning, but he won’t answer the door.”
“Has he left…”
“No. Mike has been on guard duty,” Chacha said, pointing to another security guard who stood by the elevator, ready to question anyone who wanted to either leave or enter the floor, “and he says that Gackt hasn’t left his hotel room. He’s still in there.”
“But he’s not answering the door?”
Chacha sighed. “No, he’s not. Or his phone.”
Chacha didn’t need to say anything else. The implication in his words was pretty clear.
You and Chacha stood in the corridor and watched intently as Chad continued to try and break the door down. Eventually the hotel manager arrived with a master key and opened the door, his eyes scrutinising the damage to the door, but voice making no comment. He had, after all, taken fifteen minutes to get the necessary key to open the door, a little damage was to be expected when it took that long.
Chad, along with the tour doctor, ran into the suite and Chacha and You followed swiftly behind.
They found Gackt lying on the floor next to his bed, sprawled on his back and sweating profusely. He still wore the olive green shorts that he’d worn to his earlier work out, but his torso was bare and his rapidly moving chest as he struggled to take in the deep breaths he needed was easily evident.
You watched in silence as the doctor got to work, checking Gackt’s vital signs and ordering Chad and Chacha to fetch ice packs, towels and to arrange for Gackt’s minivan to be bought to the back entrance. You didn’t know if the doctor had requested any action of him as although he could hear the voice, it was nothing more than white noise that made no sense. It was a hive of activity in that bedroom as Chad and Chacha ran back and forth, and the doctor kept moving around Gackt’s prone body, but You stood as still as a statue, frozen in place by the sight before him.
He’d collapsed again. In his hotel room. Alone.
“You…? You, dear…?”
It was Chacha’s voice coupled with the soft shake of his shoulders that snapped him back to reality and the noise and movement came rushing back into his brain as if he’d just emerged from being deep underwater. Chacha stood before him, worry and patience etched into his tight brows and honey eyes, and the doctor was staring at him.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Chacha whispered, “but the doctor needs some help and we think you’re the best man for the job.”
“Huh?” You asked, his eyes suddenly unable to look at Gackt’s unconscious body. Maybe if he couldn’t see it, it wouldn’t be true… But no, life wasn’t like that. “What do you want me to do?”
“Just talk to him,” Chacha explained. “Let him know that you’re there. The doctor thinks that although Gackt looks unconscious, he might still be in there, somewhere, and if he is, he’s probably pretty scared right now. A friendly voice might help him.”
You nodded and slowly dropped to his knees next to Gackt. He was unbelievably pale, but otherwise looked no different to that night in Fukuoka when You had shared his bed. You remembered that night and remembered the shared comfort they’d found in the simple act of holding hands and took Gackt’s right hand into both of his.
He was surprised to see Gackt’s eyes open slightly so that just the smallest hint of the deep brown beneath could be seen and those unfocused eyes fixed on him.
“It’s okay, Gaku,” You said with a soft smile, “it’s okay. We’re looking after you so don’t worry okay? I’m here, I’ll make sure that you’re taken care of.”
It was only slight and so fleeting that You nearly missed it, but that little tired yet thankful smile that Gackt gave him before he drifted away again would stay with You forever.
*~*~*~
You disconnected all of the various wires that kept him plugged into his guitar and in ear monitors and gently placed his guitar back in its home alongside the other guitars in the stand. He thanked his technician for his work and swiftly made his way back to the dressing room.
It had been a strange rehearsal. Gackt had returned from the hospital shortly before the rehearsal was due to start, but had sensibly decided to do only the bare minimum required to make sure that his microphone was set up correctly . When he was finally satisfied that the mic sounded as good as it was possibly going to get, he’d stood on the floor, casually leaning against one of the barricades that segregated the crowd while he watched the rest of the rehearsals.
It had been very disconcerting to be playing those songs, on stage, without hearing Gackt’s voice. You had found it hard to concentrate and he knew that his fingers had slipped on the strings a few times, but no comments were made, not even by Gackt who had undoubtedly recognised every mistake.
It was somewhere during the second verse of Mind Forest that You had realised that Gackt was no longer on the floor. He searched for him, but couldn’t find him and although he was grateful when Chacha informed him that Gackt had gone back to his dressing room for a rest before the show, he couldn’t help but feel that icy fear of before wash over him again.
Gackt never skipped rehearsals.
You headed for Gackt’s dressing room, but was headed off at the pass by Taka, one of the backstage crew that was Gackt’s current training buddy of choice. “He’s asleep, You. The doctor is checking in on him every few minutes to make sure that he’s fine so you don’t need to worry.”
You nodded in acknowledgment. The official diagnosis had been the same as Fukuoka; exhaustion, over work and dehydration. A lethal triad that unfortunately, had haunted Gackt all of his career.
It had been a long time since Gackt had collapsed in his hotel room. 2001, if You remembered correctly, the collapse that led to pneumonia and saw You sitting in a private hospital room until 4am each morning playing the songs Gackt had written because the doctor had confiscated his guitar, and Gackt didn’t have the energy to play them himself.
Gackt had been fine the night before. He’d bowled for three hours straight, drank at the bar, chased the tails of the girls who served them and had still been laughing, but tired, when they’d all arrived back at the hotel. There had been no sign at all that he was feeling ill or weak and from what You had been told, he ‘d made it through his early morning training session without any incident…
“Hey, Taka,” You asked, “was he okay during your training session this morning?”
“To begin with, yeah.”
You narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean, ‘to begin with’?”
“He seemed a little tired and maybe still a little drunk when we started, but he soon got into the rhythm of it. Then he started pushing himself. Really pushing himself. I haven’t seen him that aggressive about his training since he was training for Bunraku. I thought he was pushing himself too hard.”
“Did you tell him that?”
Taka, to his credit, looked a little sheepish when he answered. “No.”
“You knew he’d been out all night and was probably dehydrated already from the alcohol he’d drank, you knew he was tired, you knew he was pushing himself too much and you didn’t say anything?”
“He wouldn’t have….”
“Unbelievable,” You muttered, ignoring Taka’s attempted explanation, “no wonder he collapsed.”
“Hey, don’t blame me for this!”
“You should have stopped him! You could see he was hurting himself and you let him carry on!” You said with a force that caught the attention of the few people in the hallway,
“He’s a grown man, he can make his own choices…”
“I don’t care about that,” You interrupted, his voice growing louder with every word, “you should have stopped him!”
“You, honey, calm down.”
You glared as Chacha, the speaker of those few, softly stated words stepped into his line of vision and partially blocked his view of Taka, the man he wanted to yell and scream at until his voice was hoarse. How could he have stood by and watched Gackt push himself until he collapsed again without saying a word? How dare he act like the concerned friend when he let this happen! Gackt had been to the hospital, again, because of Taka!
As Taka slunk away and he felt Chacha’s hands rub reassuring circles on his arms, You realised that the anger running through his veins wasn’t aimed at Taka. It wasn’t even aimed at Gackt, despite how much You wanted to hit him around his pretty head until he realised what his lifestyle was doing to his body.
No, the anger was directed at himself because after all, didn’t he do the same thing every night that Taka had done this morning? Didn’t he stand idly by and watch as Gackt pushed and pushed himself until he could take more? Wasn’t every concert the same as that training session where a tired, over worked and dehydrated Gackt would keep destroying himself until his body collapsed?
“You don’t need to say anything Chacha,” You said flatly, “I know I was out of line. I know my anger was misplaced I just…”
“I know, You-kun,” Chacha answered. “I’m worried about him too, and he doesn’t have the same hold over my heart that he has on yours.”
“I… what?” You asked questioningly. “What do you mean by that?”
Chacha sighed. “Nothing, You. Just that you’re far closer to him than I am so it must be far worse for you.”
You still didn’t understand, but he smiled anyway, his mind drifting back to that tired but sweet smile Gackt had given him that morning as he’d held his hand and watched him drift back into unconsciousness.
*~*~*~
Gackt was in surprisingly high spirits, all things considered.
The concert had gone better than he had expected it to and he had found it to be easier, physically, than most of the Fukuoka shows last week. Maybe it was the excitement of seeing what birthday surprise they had planned for him this year (cake, streamers and a cute message, nice!) or maybe the IV drip in the hospital that morning and the nap in his dressing room in the afternoon had done the trick.
Sure, his body still ached, his throat felt like it was on fire and the hospital stay had, if he was being completely honest, unsettled him to the point that he’d considered finding a starry eyed fangirl or boy to keep him company that night, but overall, he felt far better than he had any right to.
He was in the middle of taking out his contact lenses when he heard a tentative knock at his door. It was 1am and his only visitors at this time would be his most trusted friends and colleagues so he left the sunglasses on his coffee table and opened the door.
“You-kun?” Gackt asked, the surprised tone in his voice easily heard.
You stood in the hallway in a T shirt and a pair of battered old shorts that Gackt was pretty sure used to belong to him and had a small bag in his hands. His toiletries bag, if Gackt wasn’t mistaken. You looked tired, far more tired than Gackt felt, and his eyes were downcast as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
They’d barely had a chance to speak today outside of a short conversation during rehearsals and a snatched few lines during the birthday celebrations on stage, and Gackt was surprised to find that he’d missed You. The guitarist had been by his side through so many birthdays that it felt wrong for him to have not been more heavily involved in this one.
“Can I come in?” You asked.
Gackt stood to one side and allowed You to enter, shutting the door behind his friend and walking over to the fully stocked fridge in the suite’s living room. “Drink?” Gackt asked.
You shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Gackt peered down at the small bottle of whiskey he held in his hand and put it back. “You’re probably right. So, why are you stalking the halls at 1am?”
“I was expecting you to ask me,” You said, ignoring the question.
Gackt looked at him with confused brown eyes. “Ask you what?”
“To stay the night, tonight.”
“Ah,” Gackt said simply. “I’m okay, You-kun. I feel good, despite everything…”
You nodded. When he spoke, his voice was so soft that Gackt’s ears, desensitised after years of loud live music, could barely hear his words. “I was kinda hoping that you would ask.”
Gackt sat down on the sofa and gestured for You to do the same. You remained standing. “You wanted to spend the night with me?”
“Do you remember what I said last time,” You began, his eyes finally coming to rest upon Gackt’s expectant face, “about how I never need to ask for company at night because you always ask first?”
“Yes.”
“Well tonight, for the first time, you didn’t ask. So, I guess it’s my turn.”
Gackt didn’t respond, he just sat in silence and waited for You to speak. He had a sneaking suspicion that this was more to do with You ensuring that he was healthy than any need for company, but regardless, it was good to hear the words from the other man this time. It made him feel slightly better about his own weaknesses and needs.
“Can I stay here with you, tonight?”
Gackt paused before answering. “Yes, but on one condition.” You raised his eyebrows in interest. “You have to tell me why you want to stay with me.”
“Does it matter, Gaku?”
“To me it does,” he answered simply.
You ran a hand through his messy hair and shifted nervously on his feet. It didn’t seem like a fair request to him, especially after he had tried so many times over so many years to get Gackt to answer the very same question only to be cut off every time. But, You had never been able to deny Gackt anything, no matter how unfair it seemed.
“Part of it is because I don’t want to be alone,” You explained, “but mostly, it’s because I need to know that you’re okay. You scared me today, Gaku. You scared me last week in Fukuoka. I won’t be able to sleep unless I can hear your steady breathing next to me.”
It was the answer Gackt expected, but it was still unnerving for him to hear it. Yet again, his selfishness was affecting those he cared about the most. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry Gaku,” You replied. “Just don’t give me a reason to worry again.”
Gackt stood and smiled gently. “Understood. I just need to get changed and I’m ready for bed. You look like you’re ready to fall asleep any minute so go ahead, I’ll be in shortly.”
You returned the smile and walked the few steps to Gackt’s bedroom, leaving Gackt behind in the living room pondering, yet again, exactly what good deed he’d done in a previous life in order to have been given You.
*~*~*~
You awoke to the sound of an incessant alarm and the feel of something distinctly un-pillow like underneath his head. Firstly, it was warm. Secondly, it smelt nice and thirdly, it seemed to be laughing at him.
It took him a few moments to realise that his pillow was actually Gackt.
“I’m really sorry…” You said, his eyes widening and cheeks flushing red with embarrassment.
Gackt lay on his back and at some point during the course of the night, You’s long and ever expanding sleepy limbs had claimed Gackt’s body as their cuddle toy and he was currently lying with his head tucked underneath Gackt’s collar bone, face pressed into his chest and his right arm and leg draped across his body.
“It’s okay, You. Really,” Gackt said with a large dose of amusement in his voice, “I just never realised you drooled this much.”
“Sorry…” You tried to lift his head and remove himself from Gackt, but he was simply pushed back into place by Gackt. The man seemed to be finding the situation far too funny to allow it to finish.
“Did you get a good night’s sleep?”
“Surprisingly. You make a really comfortable pillow.”
Gackt laughed, the deep vibrations rumbling through his chest and setting You’s skin alight. “Well, that’s a new one. I should add that to my list of achievements.”
“Huh?” You, despite his initial discomfort at finding himself draped across his friend had made no further attempt to move, and Gackt seemed perfectly comfortable with the arrangements.
“Gackt - singer, author, actor, model, designer, voice over actor and really comfortable pillow.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe so, but at least I’m a comfortable one.”
“You’re obviously feeling better this morning if you’re making bad jokes,” You groaned. “Ah, I should go and take a shower.”
“It’s still pretty early, You-kun, we’ve got time. It’s been too long since we’ve done this.”
You’s eyes widened. “Done what exactly? I don’t remember us cuddling in bed before.”
And yet, they still lay there, You’s head on Gackt’s chest and his arm and leg draped over him. Neither man made any effort to move or to disentangle their limbs, and You was surprised to find that Gackt now had an arm wrapped around him and that his fingers were lightly petting You’s hair.
When had that happened? It felt so soothing and relaxing that You, despite some of the protests in his mind that friends really shouldn’t be snuggling under the covers like this, didn’t have the heart or inclination to tell Gackt to stop.
“No, this is new. I meant just relaxing together and talking. Do you remember, back in Kyoto, how we’d just talk the whole night away without ever running out of things to say?”
“I remember you talking at me incessantly until I fell asleep,” You answered. “You used to talk about the most pointless and stupid shit I’ve ever heard.”
“You were the only one who’d ever listen to me,” Gackt answered, “I had no choice but to lay it all on you.”
“Hmm, I guess,” You said softly. “It does seem like forever since we’ve spent any free time together, but that’s because you’re always so busy with either work or training. I feel like I need to book some interview time just to speak to you some days.”
Gackt was silent, and You could almost feel the cogs turning around in his head as he thought about what You had just said. The truth was that Gackt was very busy. Unbelievably busy. If he wasn’t overseeing various production parts of the YFC shows then he was having video conferences with the staff of the Nemuri play to see how the next batch of casting was progressing and to discuss ideas of how the play could be improved. He had photo shoots, commercials to film, voice overs to record… Some days Gackt could barely find time to breathe.
But, it was no excuse. Gackt knew that. The truth was that he had been neglecting everyone lately and nobody more than You.
“I’m sorry. I’m not a very good friend some days am I?”
“You work too hard, that’s all Gaku. I wish you’d take a break occasionally and not just so that I can see you more often, but also because your body needs it. You’re not superman you know, no matter how hard you try to be.”
“I’m painfully aware of that, You.”
They fell into silence once more, all wrapped together underneath the thin sheets of another hotel bed. You couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this comfortable, this warm or this loved. Gackt’s fingers were still idly playing with his hair, twisting the loose strands at the back of his neck as they occasionally scraped the sensitive skin that lay there.
It was the most content and relaxed You had felt in a long, long time.
“I’m sorry, Gaku. It’s just difficult to watch you destroying yourself. I know why you do it, I understand why you do it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. You know I’ll be by your side until the end, whenever that may be, but I can’t help but worry about you.”
Gackt smiled. He knew that You couldn’t see the expression, not while his head was a comforting and welcome weight against his chest but still, he smiled as brightly as he could ever remember smiling. If there was only thing that Gackt believed in life, it was that You really would be there, by his side, forever.
It made him feel loved and valued in a way that no amount of screaming fans ever could.
Gackt bent his head slightly and placed a light kiss on the top of You’s head. His hair smelled like roses. “Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.”
You suddenly felt as if he needed to see Gackt and the emotions playing across his face so he raised his head and lifted his weight onto his knees until he was hovering over Gackt. His friend stared up at him with confusion and expectation, his black hair loose against the pure brilliant white of the pillows and his bare skin as smooth and flawless as the brand new sheets he lay upon.
Gackt’s eyes were big and wide and were surveying You as if he was the only person in the world who mattered. And at that moment, under that stare, You felt like he was.
“I know, Gaku. I can see it in your eyes.”
Those eyes widened to an impossible size when You leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead.
Of course, they’d kissed before. Little pecks on the cheek or even on the lips were one of Gackt’s favourite ways of showing someone he cared or was grateful for their help in some way, but that was different…. It felt far more intimate when they were lying under the covers half naked.
Gackt felt strangely vulnerable as he lay there, open and honest underneath You. There was a look on You’s face that Gackt could never remember seeing before and it unnerved him slightly… until he remembered. It was his You. His You would never hurt him or threaten him. You was his best friend, his soul mate and Gackt loved him…
Wait.
What?
Love?
“You look so lost in your thoughts, Gaku. What are you thinking about?”
That I think I’m in love with you. “Just how happy I am right now.”
You smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. Life is always so much better when you’re happy. You have the most beautiful smile.”
Gackt felt a heat flow through his cheeks that he knew meant that he was blushing. He never blushed, especially not with someone he knew as well as You and it only made him blush more, much to You’s amusement. What was happening to him?
“You’re so cute sometimes, Gaku, I always forget just how cute you can be,” You laughed lightly.
Gackt watched with rapt attention as You leaned down to him again in the same manner as before, as if he was going to kiss him again… somewhere…
The ringing of the hotel room phone ruined the moment and before Gackt could even process what was happening, You was kneeling by his waist and all contact was lost.
“My wake up call,” Gackt said with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Hmm, I guess I should head back to my room and shower.”
“I guess.”
You got off the bed and gathered the couple of things he’d bought with him. Gackt remained exactly where he had been when You was still in the bed, lying on his back and in a state of confusion. He felt like he couldn’t move if he tried, the weight of his thoughts were holding him fast.
He was in love with You. If he was entirely honest with himself, he always had been.
“I’ll see you later,” You said as he walked to the bedroom door. “And Gaku? Thank you. Thanks for allowing me to stay with you and thanks for our chat this morning. I really enjoyed it. We should do it again sometime.”
All Gackt could do was nod in agreement.
Long after You had left Gackt still lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about what had happened. It had always been You. He’d just been so blind… Chasing any woman or man that took his fancy when the person he really wanted had been there all along. Does You feel the same? Could it be possible? They were close, closer than brothers and he had no doubt that You cared for him dearly, but could he love him?
Gackt was buried so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the frantic calls of his staff members who were knocking on his door. It wasn’t until two staff members, alongside the tour doctor, came frantically running into his bedroom expecting a repeat of yesterday and his collapse that he realised exactly how lost in his mind he had been
He really needed to do something about You.
TBC...
Notes
1) I was at Gackt's birthday live and he was very strong and healthy throughout (well, a slight stagger during FLOWER but that was it). I was really surprised to hear after the concert that he actually had spent the morning in hospital on an IV. I believe the IV drips were antibiotics to help his throat, but that's why this is fiction!
2) As far as I'm aware, there isn't a guy called Taka who works for Gackt. There's a Taya, but not a Taka. He's just there so You has someone to shout at!
Previous part - SPEED MASTER
Next part - 君が待っているから
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 4,919 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
It's Gackt's birthday and he comes to a realisation...
Osaka, July 4th
It was still early, that was the first thought that ran through You’s mind as his eyes opened and his brain slowly began to wake up. He could tell by the bright light that leaked through his mostly shut curtains that it was probably time for him to get up, but still, it felt far too early, especially after the celebrations of the night before.
His second thought was that dammit, his shoulder hurt. Night after night of intense guitar playing coupled with the marathon bowling competition he’d been roped into taking part in had not been kind to his shoulder. He sat up, the thin hotel sheets pooling around his bare waist and stretched his shoulder out, rotating the joint the best he could to try and ease some of the pain.
Once the worst of the pain had disappeared, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and looked at the display. 8:05am. He wasn’t needed for rehearsals until 1pm and had set his alarm for 10am so he still had time for another couple of hours of much needed sleep.
He placed his phone back onto the table and his eyes were drawn to the messy piece of paper that lay next to it. It was his bowling scores for the night and he picked it up, looking over the mess of numbers until he found the grand total; just two pins short of the birthday boy’s total.
Next time Gackt… next time.
Despite the ache in his shoulder, the sting to his pride of losing by the narrowest of margins, again, and the growing pounding in his head from one too many cocktails, it had been a good night. They’d arrived in Osaka early, and as Gackt had scheduled a concert for his actual birthday, again, it had been decided that they would celebrate the day before as well as the day itself.
It had started with a friendly game of bowling that had soon turned into the usual deathly serious competition that always occurred whenever Gackt was involved and had later moved onto an expensive bar in Osaka’s most exclusive district. He’d lost sight of Gackt in the early hours of the morning, the birthday boy no doubt celebrating in private somewhere with at least one of the pretty hostesses, but it had been a fun night nonetheless.
Even if he was now suffering.
His body craved more sleep, but You’s mind was wide awake. There was something ticking away at the back of his brain, that made him think that he shouldn’t go back to sleep. Was there something he was supposed to do this morning? Had he forgotten to do something last night? Whatever it was, he couldn’t shake the feeling so he dragged his protesting body into the shower and relaxed under the hot mist that eased some of his aches.
He was back in the main room of his hotel room, dressed and scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel when he heard a commotion in the hallway. The entire floor had been reserved for Gackt and his crew and security was strict, only those authorised and part of the tour were allowed to even step outside of the elevator so it was no doubt a friend or a colleague that was causing the noise.
He poked his head out of his hotel room door just in time to see Chad shoulder charging Gackt’s hotel room door.
Chacha stood in the hallway a few feet away and You quickly made his way over. “What’s happening?”
“We don’t know,” Chacha answered. “Gackt went back to his hotel room after he finished training this morning, but he won’t answer the door.”
“Has he left…”
“No. Mike has been on guard duty,” Chacha said, pointing to another security guard who stood by the elevator, ready to question anyone who wanted to either leave or enter the floor, “and he says that Gackt hasn’t left his hotel room. He’s still in there.”
“But he’s not answering the door?”
Chacha sighed. “No, he’s not. Or his phone.”
Chacha didn’t need to say anything else. The implication in his words was pretty clear.
You and Chacha stood in the corridor and watched intently as Chad continued to try and break the door down. Eventually the hotel manager arrived with a master key and opened the door, his eyes scrutinising the damage to the door, but voice making no comment. He had, after all, taken fifteen minutes to get the necessary key to open the door, a little damage was to be expected when it took that long.
Chad, along with the tour doctor, ran into the suite and Chacha and You followed swiftly behind.
They found Gackt lying on the floor next to his bed, sprawled on his back and sweating profusely. He still wore the olive green shorts that he’d worn to his earlier work out, but his torso was bare and his rapidly moving chest as he struggled to take in the deep breaths he needed was easily evident.
You watched in silence as the doctor got to work, checking Gackt’s vital signs and ordering Chad and Chacha to fetch ice packs, towels and to arrange for Gackt’s minivan to be bought to the back entrance. You didn’t know if the doctor had requested any action of him as although he could hear the voice, it was nothing more than white noise that made no sense. It was a hive of activity in that bedroom as Chad and Chacha ran back and forth, and the doctor kept moving around Gackt’s prone body, but You stood as still as a statue, frozen in place by the sight before him.
He’d collapsed again. In his hotel room. Alone.
“You…? You, dear…?”
It was Chacha’s voice coupled with the soft shake of his shoulders that snapped him back to reality and the noise and movement came rushing back into his brain as if he’d just emerged from being deep underwater. Chacha stood before him, worry and patience etched into his tight brows and honey eyes, and the doctor was staring at him.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Chacha whispered, “but the doctor needs some help and we think you’re the best man for the job.”
“Huh?” You asked, his eyes suddenly unable to look at Gackt’s unconscious body. Maybe if he couldn’t see it, it wouldn’t be true… But no, life wasn’t like that. “What do you want me to do?”
“Just talk to him,” Chacha explained. “Let him know that you’re there. The doctor thinks that although Gackt looks unconscious, he might still be in there, somewhere, and if he is, he’s probably pretty scared right now. A friendly voice might help him.”
You nodded and slowly dropped to his knees next to Gackt. He was unbelievably pale, but otherwise looked no different to that night in Fukuoka when You had shared his bed. You remembered that night and remembered the shared comfort they’d found in the simple act of holding hands and took Gackt’s right hand into both of his.
He was surprised to see Gackt’s eyes open slightly so that just the smallest hint of the deep brown beneath could be seen and those unfocused eyes fixed on him.
“It’s okay, Gaku,” You said with a soft smile, “it’s okay. We’re looking after you so don’t worry okay? I’m here, I’ll make sure that you’re taken care of.”
It was only slight and so fleeting that You nearly missed it, but that little tired yet thankful smile that Gackt gave him before he drifted away again would stay with You forever.
*~*~*~
You disconnected all of the various wires that kept him plugged into his guitar and in ear monitors and gently placed his guitar back in its home alongside the other guitars in the stand. He thanked his technician for his work and swiftly made his way back to the dressing room.
It had been a strange rehearsal. Gackt had returned from the hospital shortly before the rehearsal was due to start, but had sensibly decided to do only the bare minimum required to make sure that his microphone was set up correctly . When he was finally satisfied that the mic sounded as good as it was possibly going to get, he’d stood on the floor, casually leaning against one of the barricades that segregated the crowd while he watched the rest of the rehearsals.
It had been very disconcerting to be playing those songs, on stage, without hearing Gackt’s voice. You had found it hard to concentrate and he knew that his fingers had slipped on the strings a few times, but no comments were made, not even by Gackt who had undoubtedly recognised every mistake.
It was somewhere during the second verse of Mind Forest that You had realised that Gackt was no longer on the floor. He searched for him, but couldn’t find him and although he was grateful when Chacha informed him that Gackt had gone back to his dressing room for a rest before the show, he couldn’t help but feel that icy fear of before wash over him again.
Gackt never skipped rehearsals.
You headed for Gackt’s dressing room, but was headed off at the pass by Taka, one of the backstage crew that was Gackt’s current training buddy of choice. “He’s asleep, You. The doctor is checking in on him every few minutes to make sure that he’s fine so you don’t need to worry.”
You nodded in acknowledgment. The official diagnosis had been the same as Fukuoka; exhaustion, over work and dehydration. A lethal triad that unfortunately, had haunted Gackt all of his career.
It had been a long time since Gackt had collapsed in his hotel room. 2001, if You remembered correctly, the collapse that led to pneumonia and saw You sitting in a private hospital room until 4am each morning playing the songs Gackt had written because the doctor had confiscated his guitar, and Gackt didn’t have the energy to play them himself.
Gackt had been fine the night before. He’d bowled for three hours straight, drank at the bar, chased the tails of the girls who served them and had still been laughing, but tired, when they’d all arrived back at the hotel. There had been no sign at all that he was feeling ill or weak and from what You had been told, he ‘d made it through his early morning training session without any incident…
“Hey, Taka,” You asked, “was he okay during your training session this morning?”
“To begin with, yeah.”
You narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean, ‘to begin with’?”
“He seemed a little tired and maybe still a little drunk when we started, but he soon got into the rhythm of it. Then he started pushing himself. Really pushing himself. I haven’t seen him that aggressive about his training since he was training for Bunraku. I thought he was pushing himself too hard.”
“Did you tell him that?”
Taka, to his credit, looked a little sheepish when he answered. “No.”
“You knew he’d been out all night and was probably dehydrated already from the alcohol he’d drank, you knew he was tired, you knew he was pushing himself too much and you didn’t say anything?”
“He wouldn’t have….”
“Unbelievable,” You muttered, ignoring Taka’s attempted explanation, “no wonder he collapsed.”
“Hey, don’t blame me for this!”
“You should have stopped him! You could see he was hurting himself and you let him carry on!” You said with a force that caught the attention of the few people in the hallway,
“He’s a grown man, he can make his own choices…”
“I don’t care about that,” You interrupted, his voice growing louder with every word, “you should have stopped him!”
“You, honey, calm down.”
You glared as Chacha, the speaker of those few, softly stated words stepped into his line of vision and partially blocked his view of Taka, the man he wanted to yell and scream at until his voice was hoarse. How could he have stood by and watched Gackt push himself until he collapsed again without saying a word? How dare he act like the concerned friend when he let this happen! Gackt had been to the hospital, again, because of Taka!
As Taka slunk away and he felt Chacha’s hands rub reassuring circles on his arms, You realised that the anger running through his veins wasn’t aimed at Taka. It wasn’t even aimed at Gackt, despite how much You wanted to hit him around his pretty head until he realised what his lifestyle was doing to his body.
No, the anger was directed at himself because after all, didn’t he do the same thing every night that Taka had done this morning? Didn’t he stand idly by and watch as Gackt pushed and pushed himself until he could take more? Wasn’t every concert the same as that training session where a tired, over worked and dehydrated Gackt would keep destroying himself until his body collapsed?
“You don’t need to say anything Chacha,” You said flatly, “I know I was out of line. I know my anger was misplaced I just…”
“I know, You-kun,” Chacha answered. “I’m worried about him too, and he doesn’t have the same hold over my heart that he has on yours.”
“I… what?” You asked questioningly. “What do you mean by that?”
Chacha sighed. “Nothing, You. Just that you’re far closer to him than I am so it must be far worse for you.”
You still didn’t understand, but he smiled anyway, his mind drifting back to that tired but sweet smile Gackt had given him that morning as he’d held his hand and watched him drift back into unconsciousness.
*~*~*~
Gackt was in surprisingly high spirits, all things considered.
The concert had gone better than he had expected it to and he had found it to be easier, physically, than most of the Fukuoka shows last week. Maybe it was the excitement of seeing what birthday surprise they had planned for him this year (cake, streamers and a cute message, nice!) or maybe the IV drip in the hospital that morning and the nap in his dressing room in the afternoon had done the trick.
Sure, his body still ached, his throat felt like it was on fire and the hospital stay had, if he was being completely honest, unsettled him to the point that he’d considered finding a starry eyed fangirl or boy to keep him company that night, but overall, he felt far better than he had any right to.
He was in the middle of taking out his contact lenses when he heard a tentative knock at his door. It was 1am and his only visitors at this time would be his most trusted friends and colleagues so he left the sunglasses on his coffee table and opened the door.
“You-kun?” Gackt asked, the surprised tone in his voice easily heard.
You stood in the hallway in a T shirt and a pair of battered old shorts that Gackt was pretty sure used to belong to him and had a small bag in his hands. His toiletries bag, if Gackt wasn’t mistaken. You looked tired, far more tired than Gackt felt, and his eyes were downcast as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
They’d barely had a chance to speak today outside of a short conversation during rehearsals and a snatched few lines during the birthday celebrations on stage, and Gackt was surprised to find that he’d missed You. The guitarist had been by his side through so many birthdays that it felt wrong for him to have not been more heavily involved in this one.
“Can I come in?” You asked.
Gackt stood to one side and allowed You to enter, shutting the door behind his friend and walking over to the fully stocked fridge in the suite’s living room. “Drink?” Gackt asked.
You shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Gackt peered down at the small bottle of whiskey he held in his hand and put it back. “You’re probably right. So, why are you stalking the halls at 1am?”
“I was expecting you to ask me,” You said, ignoring the question.
Gackt looked at him with confused brown eyes. “Ask you what?”
“To stay the night, tonight.”
“Ah,” Gackt said simply. “I’m okay, You-kun. I feel good, despite everything…”
You nodded. When he spoke, his voice was so soft that Gackt’s ears, desensitised after years of loud live music, could barely hear his words. “I was kinda hoping that you would ask.”
Gackt sat down on the sofa and gestured for You to do the same. You remained standing. “You wanted to spend the night with me?”
“Do you remember what I said last time,” You began, his eyes finally coming to rest upon Gackt’s expectant face, “about how I never need to ask for company at night because you always ask first?”
“Yes.”
“Well tonight, for the first time, you didn’t ask. So, I guess it’s my turn.”
Gackt didn’t respond, he just sat in silence and waited for You to speak. He had a sneaking suspicion that this was more to do with You ensuring that he was healthy than any need for company, but regardless, it was good to hear the words from the other man this time. It made him feel slightly better about his own weaknesses and needs.
“Can I stay here with you, tonight?”
Gackt paused before answering. “Yes, but on one condition.” You raised his eyebrows in interest. “You have to tell me why you want to stay with me.”
“Does it matter, Gaku?”
“To me it does,” he answered simply.
You ran a hand through his messy hair and shifted nervously on his feet. It didn’t seem like a fair request to him, especially after he had tried so many times over so many years to get Gackt to answer the very same question only to be cut off every time. But, You had never been able to deny Gackt anything, no matter how unfair it seemed.
“Part of it is because I don’t want to be alone,” You explained, “but mostly, it’s because I need to know that you’re okay. You scared me today, Gaku. You scared me last week in Fukuoka. I won’t be able to sleep unless I can hear your steady breathing next to me.”
It was the answer Gackt expected, but it was still unnerving for him to hear it. Yet again, his selfishness was affecting those he cared about the most. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry Gaku,” You replied. “Just don’t give me a reason to worry again.”
Gackt stood and smiled gently. “Understood. I just need to get changed and I’m ready for bed. You look like you’re ready to fall asleep any minute so go ahead, I’ll be in shortly.”
You returned the smile and walked the few steps to Gackt’s bedroom, leaving Gackt behind in the living room pondering, yet again, exactly what good deed he’d done in a previous life in order to have been given You.
*~*~*~
You awoke to the sound of an incessant alarm and the feel of something distinctly un-pillow like underneath his head. Firstly, it was warm. Secondly, it smelt nice and thirdly, it seemed to be laughing at him.
It took him a few moments to realise that his pillow was actually Gackt.
“I’m really sorry…” You said, his eyes widening and cheeks flushing red with embarrassment.
Gackt lay on his back and at some point during the course of the night, You’s long and ever expanding sleepy limbs had claimed Gackt’s body as their cuddle toy and he was currently lying with his head tucked underneath Gackt’s collar bone, face pressed into his chest and his right arm and leg draped across his body.
“It’s okay, You. Really,” Gackt said with a large dose of amusement in his voice, “I just never realised you drooled this much.”
“Sorry…” You tried to lift his head and remove himself from Gackt, but he was simply pushed back into place by Gackt. The man seemed to be finding the situation far too funny to allow it to finish.
“Did you get a good night’s sleep?”
“Surprisingly. You make a really comfortable pillow.”
Gackt laughed, the deep vibrations rumbling through his chest and setting You’s skin alight. “Well, that’s a new one. I should add that to my list of achievements.”
“Huh?” You, despite his initial discomfort at finding himself draped across his friend had made no further attempt to move, and Gackt seemed perfectly comfortable with the arrangements.
“Gackt - singer, author, actor, model, designer, voice over actor and really comfortable pillow.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe so, but at least I’m a comfortable one.”
“You’re obviously feeling better this morning if you’re making bad jokes,” You groaned. “Ah, I should go and take a shower.”
“It’s still pretty early, You-kun, we’ve got time. It’s been too long since we’ve done this.”
You’s eyes widened. “Done what exactly? I don’t remember us cuddling in bed before.”
And yet, they still lay there, You’s head on Gackt’s chest and his arm and leg draped over him. Neither man made any effort to move or to disentangle their limbs, and You was surprised to find that Gackt now had an arm wrapped around him and that his fingers were lightly petting You’s hair.
When had that happened? It felt so soothing and relaxing that You, despite some of the protests in his mind that friends really shouldn’t be snuggling under the covers like this, didn’t have the heart or inclination to tell Gackt to stop.
“No, this is new. I meant just relaxing together and talking. Do you remember, back in Kyoto, how we’d just talk the whole night away without ever running out of things to say?”
“I remember you talking at me incessantly until I fell asleep,” You answered. “You used to talk about the most pointless and stupid shit I’ve ever heard.”
“You were the only one who’d ever listen to me,” Gackt answered, “I had no choice but to lay it all on you.”
“Hmm, I guess,” You said softly. “It does seem like forever since we’ve spent any free time together, but that’s because you’re always so busy with either work or training. I feel like I need to book some interview time just to speak to you some days.”
Gackt was silent, and You could almost feel the cogs turning around in his head as he thought about what You had just said. The truth was that Gackt was very busy. Unbelievably busy. If he wasn’t overseeing various production parts of the YFC shows then he was having video conferences with the staff of the Nemuri play to see how the next batch of casting was progressing and to discuss ideas of how the play could be improved. He had photo shoots, commercials to film, voice overs to record… Some days Gackt could barely find time to breathe.
But, it was no excuse. Gackt knew that. The truth was that he had been neglecting everyone lately and nobody more than You.
“I’m sorry. I’m not a very good friend some days am I?”
“You work too hard, that’s all Gaku. I wish you’d take a break occasionally and not just so that I can see you more often, but also because your body needs it. You’re not superman you know, no matter how hard you try to be.”
“I’m painfully aware of that, You.”
They fell into silence once more, all wrapped together underneath the thin sheets of another hotel bed. You couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this comfortable, this warm or this loved. Gackt’s fingers were still idly playing with his hair, twisting the loose strands at the back of his neck as they occasionally scraped the sensitive skin that lay there.
It was the most content and relaxed You had felt in a long, long time.
“I’m sorry, Gaku. It’s just difficult to watch you destroying yourself. I know why you do it, I understand why you do it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. You know I’ll be by your side until the end, whenever that may be, but I can’t help but worry about you.”
Gackt smiled. He knew that You couldn’t see the expression, not while his head was a comforting and welcome weight against his chest but still, he smiled as brightly as he could ever remember smiling. If there was only thing that Gackt believed in life, it was that You really would be there, by his side, forever.
It made him feel loved and valued in a way that no amount of screaming fans ever could.
Gackt bent his head slightly and placed a light kiss on the top of You’s head. His hair smelled like roses. “Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.”
You suddenly felt as if he needed to see Gackt and the emotions playing across his face so he raised his head and lifted his weight onto his knees until he was hovering over Gackt. His friend stared up at him with confusion and expectation, his black hair loose against the pure brilliant white of the pillows and his bare skin as smooth and flawless as the brand new sheets he lay upon.
Gackt’s eyes were big and wide and were surveying You as if he was the only person in the world who mattered. And at that moment, under that stare, You felt like he was.
“I know, Gaku. I can see it in your eyes.”
Those eyes widened to an impossible size when You leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead.
Of course, they’d kissed before. Little pecks on the cheek or even on the lips were one of Gackt’s favourite ways of showing someone he cared or was grateful for their help in some way, but that was different…. It felt far more intimate when they were lying under the covers half naked.
Gackt felt strangely vulnerable as he lay there, open and honest underneath You. There was a look on You’s face that Gackt could never remember seeing before and it unnerved him slightly… until he remembered. It was his You. His You would never hurt him or threaten him. You was his best friend, his soul mate and Gackt loved him…
Wait.
What?
Love?
“You look so lost in your thoughts, Gaku. What are you thinking about?”
That I think I’m in love with you. “Just how happy I am right now.”
You smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. Life is always so much better when you’re happy. You have the most beautiful smile.”
Gackt felt a heat flow through his cheeks that he knew meant that he was blushing. He never blushed, especially not with someone he knew as well as You and it only made him blush more, much to You’s amusement. What was happening to him?
“You’re so cute sometimes, Gaku, I always forget just how cute you can be,” You laughed lightly.
Gackt watched with rapt attention as You leaned down to him again in the same manner as before, as if he was going to kiss him again… somewhere…
The ringing of the hotel room phone ruined the moment and before Gackt could even process what was happening, You was kneeling by his waist and all contact was lost.
“My wake up call,” Gackt said with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Hmm, I guess I should head back to my room and shower.”
“I guess.”
You got off the bed and gathered the couple of things he’d bought with him. Gackt remained exactly where he had been when You was still in the bed, lying on his back and in a state of confusion. He felt like he couldn’t move if he tried, the weight of his thoughts were holding him fast.
He was in love with You. If he was entirely honest with himself, he always had been.
“I’ll see you later,” You said as he walked to the bedroom door. “And Gaku? Thank you. Thanks for allowing me to stay with you and thanks for our chat this morning. I really enjoyed it. We should do it again sometime.”
All Gackt could do was nod in agreement.
Long after You had left Gackt still lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about what had happened. It had always been You. He’d just been so blind… Chasing any woman or man that took his fancy when the person he really wanted had been there all along. Does You feel the same? Could it be possible? They were close, closer than brothers and he had no doubt that You cared for him dearly, but could he love him?
Gackt was buried so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the frantic calls of his staff members who were knocking on his door. It wasn’t until two staff members, alongside the tour doctor, came frantically running into his bedroom expecting a repeat of yesterday and his collapse that he realised exactly how lost in his mind he had been
He really needed to do something about You.
TBC...
Notes
1) I was at Gackt's birthday live and he was very strong and healthy throughout (well, a slight stagger during FLOWER but that was it). I was really surprised to hear after the concert that he actually had spent the morning in hospital on an IV. I believe the IV drips were antibiotics to help his throat, but that's why this is fiction!
2) As far as I'm aware, there isn't a guy called Taka who works for Gackt. There's a Taya, but not a Taka. He's just there so You has someone to shout at!
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