Beginnings - MIND FOREST (6/15)
Title - Beginnings - MIND FOREST (6/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 3,275 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
The band is in London and relationships are strained.
London, July 15th
“This is possibly the smallest rehearsal room we’ve ever used.”
Chacha stood in the middle of the too small rehearsal room in central London, guitar in hand and feet trying to avoid the pool of wires accumulating around them. His amp lay immediately to his right and was covered with notes and bottles of water and his stack of guitars lay to his left, catching the glare of the artificial lighting.
The rest of the band was there, all present, correct and standing in their usual positions. Junji was cramped into a corner and looking decidedly unhappy at not having his own customised drum kit with him although he’d stated several times that the loaned kit was perfectly adequate. Chirolyn stood next to him, tightening his bass strings and testing their sound.
You stood by the small window, his gaze stolen by the everyday life that was walking by, so normal to those on the street, but so foreign to him. He had his back to the rest of the band and seemed to be ignoring the quiet hum of activity of the sound engineers and technicians, but that was hardly surprising, Chacha thought. You had been in a quiet little world of his own since the shows in Osaka.
And Gackt… Gackt was seated upon Chirolyn’s amp, his eyes apparently buried in the English lyrics to Mind Forest, but the frequent quick glances to You didn’t escape Chacha. Obviously Gackt had also picked up on You’s distance from everyone and was wondering what had happened. Maybe, Chacha thought, he and Gackt should tackle You together later.
“Do you want to try Mind Forest again, Gakkun?” Chacha asked.
“Hmm?” Gackt answered absently. “Mind Forest? If you think we need to.”
“The more practise you get at singing it in English before the show tomorrow the better right?” Chacha said, pleased to see Gackt nod in agreement. “Okay then guys, we’ll go through Mind Forest one more time.”
Chacha could see that Gackt, Junji and Chirolyn were all poised and ready to start, but You still stood by the window, ignoring the happenings in the room for the happenings outside. It was unlike him. You was normally the driving force of rehearsals, the one who after ten hours of non-stop playing would still be eager and ready to go while everyone else was trying to sneak out of the back door. His enthusiasm was contagious, but today, it seemed to have deserted him.
“Gakkun,” Chacha began, “can you get You’s attention please? Feel free to make it as painful and embarrassing as possible.”
He’d asked Gackt because not only was the singer the closest to You, but also because he was the master at gaining people’s attention. Chacha had been on the receiving end of Gackt’s antics many times in the past and watched patiently as Gackt reluctantly stood up from the amp and hesitantly made his way to You.
Reluctantly?
Hesitantly?
Since when had Gackt ever been reluctant or hesitant around You?
Gackt settled for a light tap on the shoulder to get You’s attention. “You? I’m sorry to interrupt whatever is happening outside but we’re ready to continue now.”
Chacha watched with confused eyes as You quickly brushed the touch away and picked up his guitar. There was sorrow in Gackt’s eyes for the shortest period of time before he took his place and microphone, and the band was finally ready to go.
As Chacha played the opening chords to Mind Forest, working in perfectly harmony with the band, his mind was no longer busy pondering what the hell was going on with You, but more what the hell was going on between You and Gackt.
*~*~*~
It was a bright and busy morning in the hotel restaurant, and Chacha could see that most of the tables were already taken. He glanced over the faces of the hotel guests and finally found one that was familiar, hidden away behind large sunglasses and buried in the screen of a lavishly decorated Mac.
He grabbed his glass of orange juice and made his way over to Gackt, sensing the perfect opportunity to try to speak to him about You.
Chacha had tried numerous times the night before to speak to Gackt. Ever since the rehearsal had finished in the early evening he’d tried to get either Gackt or You alone for a few seconds so that he could try and find out what was happening. He had thought that the problem lay with You only, but after seeing the awkwardness that had existed between them during the rehearsals, he’d reconsidered.
If Chacha thought back over the last few days in Holland and those dying hours in Osaka, it hadn’t just been You that had been acting out of character. You had been more obvious as he’d been distant from everyone, but Gackt had only been acting distant with You. Although, really, distant wasn’t the right word.
Maybe friendly was a better one to use.
Fifteen years of being the centre of attention and having a large group of people tending to his every whim had left Gackt a little selfish. It was an unfortunate side effect of fame and fortune and one that everyone had come to deal with, but Gackt had been acting decidedly selfless where You was concerned.
He’d offered to tune You’s guitars for him. He’d given You the first pick of challenges for the Platinum Box filming. He’d laughed, loudly, at the few jokes You had made regardless of how funny they were. He’d taken the time to look over You’s photos from Holland and had praised every one, even those that had been slightly out of focus as You hadn’t entirely mastered his new camera yet.
Gackt was acting like he was the best friend a man could ever have, and Chacha was kicking himself for not noticing it before.
“You don’t mind if I join you, do you?” Chacha asked as he approached Gackt’s table.
Gackt didn’t even look up from the computer screen. “You’d sit down even if I did mind.”
“True,” Chacha agreed. “Have you eaten yet?”
“I haven’t eaten breakfast once in the ten years you’ve known me, Cha.”
Chacha hummed. “A lot of things seem to be changing lately so I wondered if that would be something else.”
That made Gackt look up. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Of course you don’t, Gakkun,” Chacha answered. “It’s not as if you’ve been following You lately like a slave following his master or anything...”
Gackt sighed and relaxed back into his seat. “I’ve been a bad friend lately, I’m trying to make up for it.”
“I don’t think he appreciates it.”
Gackt didn’t answer, he just lowered his head back down to his Mac and started typing with such force that Chacha half expected to see the tab key land in his orange juice.
Chacha was about to try to speak to Gackt further when he was interrupted by You’s unexpected voice. “All of the tables are taken. Can I sit here?”
“You don’t need to ask, You-kun,” Gackt answered, “you’re always welcome.”
You took his seat next to Chacha and opposite the empty seat next to Gackt. Chacha could see that Gackt was trying to think of something to say to You, but seemed to be having difficulty in forming the words.
There was definitely something amiss between them.
Chacha decided to break the silence. “What are you doing with your free time this morning? No media, no rehearsals… just a foreign country and a beautiful city to play in.”
“There’s a photography exhibit I want to see. I might do that,” You answered.
“Hmm?” Gackt lifted his head from his Mac screen and smiled at You. “That sounds interesting. I might tag along with you.”
You and Chacha shared confused looks, but it was You that spoke. “Why? You have no interest in photography at all. You never have.”
“I know,” Gackt agreed, “but we don’t do enough things together anymore, You. We’re friends aren’t we? Well, this is the kind of things friends do.”
Chacha frowned. This ‘let’s be the best damn friend I can be’ routine of Gackt’s was going to cause trouble. “Gakkun, honey, we went to an exhibition like this during the RRI tour, remember?” Chacha asked. The blank look on Gackt’s face showed that he didn’t. “You spent the first half of the tour around the exhibit complaining of boredom and hitting on the tour guide and the second half fucking her in the staff toilets.”
Gackt signed off his Mac and closed it, a slight scowl crossing his lips. “People change. I can behave myself and show interest if I have to.”
“Since when? You have the attention span of a five year old if it’s something that doesn’t interest you and usually cause as much trouble,” Chacha said. “Besides, you shouldn’t have to fake interest, Gakkun.”
Gackt sighed. “I just thought it’d be nice for us to do something together. We never normally do these things.”
“For good reason,” You interjected.
Gackt continued on. “Can I come with you?”
“No,” You said plainly, his abrupt answer shocking Gackt and Chacha equally. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’d rather go on my own.”
Chacha watched in stunned silence as You dropped his knife and fork onto his plate with a clang and left the restaurant. He felt like he should grab his leopard skin covered diary from his bag and mark this date down as the first time in known history that You had declined a direct request from Gackt. It didn’t matter what Gackt asked, whether it was something as simple as handing him a bottle of water or something as time consuming and irritating as driving the sixteen hour round trip to Kyoto because Gackt had forgotten to fill up his gas tank before driving there on a whim, the fact remained that You always, always, said yes.
Always.
It was a running joke between Job and the crew that if you ever wanted to make sure You did something you should start the request with the words “Gackt asked if you could…”. And Chacha could tell from the slack jawed, blank expression on Gackt’s face that he was equally surprised at You’s declination.
“Have you guys had an argument?” Chacha asked softly.
“No,” Gackt answered honestly. “I thought… I don’t know, Cha.”
The half finished sentence hung in the air between them, but Chacha knew better than to push the issue with Gackt. He could be surprisingly prickly when pushed on an issue he didn’t want to address and it was obvious from the way his shoulders were slumped that not only was there something he wasn’t saying, but there was something he didn’t want to say.
“Gakkun, I’ve been by your side for ten years now. I know when you’re hiding something from me and the same is true for You,” Chacha said in the same soft tone as before. Gackt didn’t react. “I’m not going to insist that you tell me, but it’s pretty obvious that you’ve done or said something that You didn’t like.”
At that Gackt’s head snapped up from the table and fixed on Chacha. Chacha couldn’t know, could he? “What makes you say that?”
Chacha sighed. “You’re acting far too friendly, it’s as if you’re trying to make up for some sin you’ve committed and You… well… he’s acting as if he can’t bear to be in the same room as you for too long.”
Gackt remained silent and Chacha allowed him his time to think. His face was the same controlled and impassive blank slate that would have been seen during TV interviews in years gone by, but Chacha knew that face and the man it belonged to well enough to pick up on the little signs. The tight set of the jaw, slight cock of the head to the left that always happened when Gackt was thinking deeply and the never ending movements of his musical fingers were enough for Chacha to realise that Gackt was working through something that hurt and confused him.
Finally, he spoke. “I really don’t know, Cha. There was… something… that I said, but I thought it wouldn’t have this effect. You said that it wouldn’t. I guess I was naïve enough to believe him.”
Chacha moved from his seat opposite Gackt and sat beside him, embracing the singer in a hug that Gackt was reluctant to return. He allowed Chacha to instigate the contact and to pull him into his arms, but his body was stiff, refusing to accept the comfort offered to him. The hotel’s restaurant was a public place, but Chacha knew that it wasn’t fear of being seen in public that was making Gackt reluctant, more a feeling that he didn’t deserve any type of comfort at all.
“I don’t know what you said or what You’s problem with it was, but if you ever want to talk, you know where I am. I’ll never judge you, Gakkun, even if the rest of the world will. You’ll always be my pain in the ass singer that’s too stubborn for his own good and has a heart far too big.”
Chacha placed a chaste kiss on Gackt’s forehead and instantly felt the tense body in his arms relax into his touch. Gackt made no sound as he buried his face in Chacha’s neck and loosely draped his arms around that slim waist. Chacha asked no questions of him, he merely rubbed the singer’s back in a way meant to be both comforting and reassuring.
“When you look at me and You, what do you see?” Gackt asked a little hesitantly, his breath tickling the base of Chacha’s throat.
Chacha’s hand stopped its movement on Gackt’s back and he moved back slightly, trying to get a better view of the face that was tightly pressed against his neck to try and figure out what Gackt was thinking. The sunglasses still covered his eyes, but Chacha didn’t need to see the endless blue of Gackt’s contact lenses to recognise how troubled he looked.
Ever since he’d first met Gackt all of those years ago, back when he was more enthusiasm than focus and a big ball of ideas but no idea on how to implement them, he’d had a special place in Chacha’s heart. Chacha had never taken the time to try and understand where that place was (friend? brother? something else?) and had simply taken his feelings at face value.
Chacha knew that Gackt was Gackt and that he loved him. Those were the only labels that mattered.
“I don’t understand what you mean, Gakkun.”
Gackt sighed and tightened his arms around Chacha’s waist slightly. “Do you see two band mates? Friends? Brothers?”
More labels. “I see two men who have known each other for a long time and have stuck together throughout everything this world can throw at them. I see two men who, despite their differences and their flaws, would walk to the ends of the earth for each other if they had to. Isn’t that enough?”
“I used to think it was but…”
Again, Gackt didn’t finish his sentence. Chacha removed Gackt from his embrace and took him gently by the shoulders, manoeuvring him until they were face to face again. Gackt offered no resistance, but refused to meet Chacha’s gaze.
“What’s this all about, Gakkun? What happened between the two of you?”
Chacha slowly raised his hand and very gently, as if he was afraid that his touch would tarnish something sacred, lifted Gackt’s chin until he had no choice but to look Chacha in the eye. As his right hand reverently held Gackt’s face in place, Chacha’s left hand cautiously removed those over sized sunglasses and placed them on the table. He was sick of Gackt hiding behind those dark lenses. There was a storm of emotions floating behind the fake blue lenses that tried to avoid Chacha’s stare and for a second, Chacha thought Gackt was going to tell him. But all too quickly Chacha recognised that cold detachment that came over Gackt’s face and eyes and knew that the moment was lost.
“Don’t worry about it, Cha, we’ll sort it out between us. We always do.”
Chacha watched in silence as Gackt quickly rose to his feet, gathered his things and walked out of the same door that You had recently used. He supposed it had been too much to ask for Gackt to have let that last wall down, but maybe one day, the singer would accept his own weaknesses enough to allow others to see them.
Until that day Chacha would do the only thing he could do when he hit the brick wall that was Gackt - try to pry the problem out of You instead.
*~*~*~
It didn’t take long for Chacha to find You. He could hear You’s raised voice as soon as he stepped outside the restaurant and shortly found him, waiting for an elevator with Gackt by his side.
“I’m not mad at you, Gackt,” You said calmly although his voice was a lot louder than normal. “I don’t want you to think that I am.”
Neither man noticed Chacha or the little crowd that had started to gather to try and figure out what the loud Japanese men were saying to each other in their native tongue. Fluency in Japanese wasn’t needed to hear the falsity of the calmness in You’s voice or the confusion and slight desperation in Gackt’s.
“What am I supposed to think,” Gackt asked, “when you can’t even have a conversation with me?”
“It’s not that..”
Gackt interrupted him. “We said we’d be friends now, remember? I’m making the effort so why can’t you?”
“But that’s exactly the problem, Gackt! You’re making too much of an effort. It’s false.”
Gackt narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest, a sure sign that he was feeling defensive. “It’s not false…”
“It is, Gackt. You don’t care about photography and have never offered to tune my guitars before. You’re just doing it because of the situation.”
“No,” Gackt answered, shaking his head. “I’m doing it because it's what friends do.”
“Bullshit,” You replied. “At least be honest with me. You seem to be pretty good at being honest lately.”
“That was uncalled for, You-kun.”
“Maybe so,” You acquiesced, “but you’re still lying to me. I just want things back the way they were, Gaku.”
“So do I,” Gackt agreed. “That’s why I’m trying everything I can…”
“You don’t understand, do you?” You asked. “I don’t want you to try everything. I wish you wouldn’t because you’re suffocating me. You’re always there, asking if I need something doing or laughing at jokes that aren’t funny and it’s freaking me out.”
“I’m just trying to…”
“Well don’t,” You snapped. “Be yourself. At least give me the real you…. I deserve that don’t I? I’m tired of this drama and bullshit, Gackt, if you’re not willing to be yourself around me then stay away.”
Gackt had no answer. Instead, he was striding through the lobby and out onto the street before Chacha had chance to call his name.
Chacha turned his attention to You.
“No, Cha,” You said as he stepped into the elevator that had just arrived, “I’m not going to talk about it. I’ll see you at the concert.”
With that the elevator doors closed and Chacha was left standing alone and confused in the lobby.
Exactly what was going on?
TBC...
Notes
1) Chacha, you are awesome.
2) The rating increases in the next chapter…
Previous part - 君が待っているから
Next part - The Next Decade
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part PG-13
Word Count - 3,275 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
The band is in London and relationships are strained.
London, July 15th
“This is possibly the smallest rehearsal room we’ve ever used.”
Chacha stood in the middle of the too small rehearsal room in central London, guitar in hand and feet trying to avoid the pool of wires accumulating around them. His amp lay immediately to his right and was covered with notes and bottles of water and his stack of guitars lay to his left, catching the glare of the artificial lighting.
The rest of the band was there, all present, correct and standing in their usual positions. Junji was cramped into a corner and looking decidedly unhappy at not having his own customised drum kit with him although he’d stated several times that the loaned kit was perfectly adequate. Chirolyn stood next to him, tightening his bass strings and testing their sound.
You stood by the small window, his gaze stolen by the everyday life that was walking by, so normal to those on the street, but so foreign to him. He had his back to the rest of the band and seemed to be ignoring the quiet hum of activity of the sound engineers and technicians, but that was hardly surprising, Chacha thought. You had been in a quiet little world of his own since the shows in Osaka.
And Gackt… Gackt was seated upon Chirolyn’s amp, his eyes apparently buried in the English lyrics to Mind Forest, but the frequent quick glances to You didn’t escape Chacha. Obviously Gackt had also picked up on You’s distance from everyone and was wondering what had happened. Maybe, Chacha thought, he and Gackt should tackle You together later.
“Do you want to try Mind Forest again, Gakkun?” Chacha asked.
“Hmm?” Gackt answered absently. “Mind Forest? If you think we need to.”
“The more practise you get at singing it in English before the show tomorrow the better right?” Chacha said, pleased to see Gackt nod in agreement. “Okay then guys, we’ll go through Mind Forest one more time.”
Chacha could see that Gackt, Junji and Chirolyn were all poised and ready to start, but You still stood by the window, ignoring the happenings in the room for the happenings outside. It was unlike him. You was normally the driving force of rehearsals, the one who after ten hours of non-stop playing would still be eager and ready to go while everyone else was trying to sneak out of the back door. His enthusiasm was contagious, but today, it seemed to have deserted him.
“Gakkun,” Chacha began, “can you get You’s attention please? Feel free to make it as painful and embarrassing as possible.”
He’d asked Gackt because not only was the singer the closest to You, but also because he was the master at gaining people’s attention. Chacha had been on the receiving end of Gackt’s antics many times in the past and watched patiently as Gackt reluctantly stood up from the amp and hesitantly made his way to You.
Reluctantly?
Hesitantly?
Since when had Gackt ever been reluctant or hesitant around You?
Gackt settled for a light tap on the shoulder to get You’s attention. “You? I’m sorry to interrupt whatever is happening outside but we’re ready to continue now.”
Chacha watched with confused eyes as You quickly brushed the touch away and picked up his guitar. There was sorrow in Gackt’s eyes for the shortest period of time before he took his place and microphone, and the band was finally ready to go.
As Chacha played the opening chords to Mind Forest, working in perfectly harmony with the band, his mind was no longer busy pondering what the hell was going on with You, but more what the hell was going on between You and Gackt.
*~*~*~
It was a bright and busy morning in the hotel restaurant, and Chacha could see that most of the tables were already taken. He glanced over the faces of the hotel guests and finally found one that was familiar, hidden away behind large sunglasses and buried in the screen of a lavishly decorated Mac.
He grabbed his glass of orange juice and made his way over to Gackt, sensing the perfect opportunity to try to speak to him about You.
Chacha had tried numerous times the night before to speak to Gackt. Ever since the rehearsal had finished in the early evening he’d tried to get either Gackt or You alone for a few seconds so that he could try and find out what was happening. He had thought that the problem lay with You only, but after seeing the awkwardness that had existed between them during the rehearsals, he’d reconsidered.
If Chacha thought back over the last few days in Holland and those dying hours in Osaka, it hadn’t just been You that had been acting out of character. You had been more obvious as he’d been distant from everyone, but Gackt had only been acting distant with You. Although, really, distant wasn’t the right word.
Maybe friendly was a better one to use.
Fifteen years of being the centre of attention and having a large group of people tending to his every whim had left Gackt a little selfish. It was an unfortunate side effect of fame and fortune and one that everyone had come to deal with, but Gackt had been acting decidedly selfless where You was concerned.
He’d offered to tune You’s guitars for him. He’d given You the first pick of challenges for the Platinum Box filming. He’d laughed, loudly, at the few jokes You had made regardless of how funny they were. He’d taken the time to look over You’s photos from Holland and had praised every one, even those that had been slightly out of focus as You hadn’t entirely mastered his new camera yet.
Gackt was acting like he was the best friend a man could ever have, and Chacha was kicking himself for not noticing it before.
“You don’t mind if I join you, do you?” Chacha asked as he approached Gackt’s table.
Gackt didn’t even look up from the computer screen. “You’d sit down even if I did mind.”
“True,” Chacha agreed. “Have you eaten yet?”
“I haven’t eaten breakfast once in the ten years you’ve known me, Cha.”
Chacha hummed. “A lot of things seem to be changing lately so I wondered if that would be something else.”
That made Gackt look up. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Of course you don’t, Gakkun,” Chacha answered. “It’s not as if you’ve been following You lately like a slave following his master or anything...”
Gackt sighed and relaxed back into his seat. “I’ve been a bad friend lately, I’m trying to make up for it.”
“I don’t think he appreciates it.”
Gackt didn’t answer, he just lowered his head back down to his Mac and started typing with such force that Chacha half expected to see the tab key land in his orange juice.
Chacha was about to try to speak to Gackt further when he was interrupted by You’s unexpected voice. “All of the tables are taken. Can I sit here?”
“You don’t need to ask, You-kun,” Gackt answered, “you’re always welcome.”
You took his seat next to Chacha and opposite the empty seat next to Gackt. Chacha could see that Gackt was trying to think of something to say to You, but seemed to be having difficulty in forming the words.
There was definitely something amiss between them.
Chacha decided to break the silence. “What are you doing with your free time this morning? No media, no rehearsals… just a foreign country and a beautiful city to play in.”
“There’s a photography exhibit I want to see. I might do that,” You answered.
“Hmm?” Gackt lifted his head from his Mac screen and smiled at You. “That sounds interesting. I might tag along with you.”
You and Chacha shared confused looks, but it was You that spoke. “Why? You have no interest in photography at all. You never have.”
“I know,” Gackt agreed, “but we don’t do enough things together anymore, You. We’re friends aren’t we? Well, this is the kind of things friends do.”
Chacha frowned. This ‘let’s be the best damn friend I can be’ routine of Gackt’s was going to cause trouble. “Gakkun, honey, we went to an exhibition like this during the RRI tour, remember?” Chacha asked. The blank look on Gackt’s face showed that he didn’t. “You spent the first half of the tour around the exhibit complaining of boredom and hitting on the tour guide and the second half fucking her in the staff toilets.”
Gackt signed off his Mac and closed it, a slight scowl crossing his lips. “People change. I can behave myself and show interest if I have to.”
“Since when? You have the attention span of a five year old if it’s something that doesn’t interest you and usually cause as much trouble,” Chacha said. “Besides, you shouldn’t have to fake interest, Gakkun.”
Gackt sighed. “I just thought it’d be nice for us to do something together. We never normally do these things.”
“For good reason,” You interjected.
Gackt continued on. “Can I come with you?”
“No,” You said plainly, his abrupt answer shocking Gackt and Chacha equally. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’d rather go on my own.”
Chacha watched in stunned silence as You dropped his knife and fork onto his plate with a clang and left the restaurant. He felt like he should grab his leopard skin covered diary from his bag and mark this date down as the first time in known history that You had declined a direct request from Gackt. It didn’t matter what Gackt asked, whether it was something as simple as handing him a bottle of water or something as time consuming and irritating as driving the sixteen hour round trip to Kyoto because Gackt had forgotten to fill up his gas tank before driving there on a whim, the fact remained that You always, always, said yes.
Always.
It was a running joke between Job and the crew that if you ever wanted to make sure You did something you should start the request with the words “Gackt asked if you could…”. And Chacha could tell from the slack jawed, blank expression on Gackt’s face that he was equally surprised at You’s declination.
“Have you guys had an argument?” Chacha asked softly.
“No,” Gackt answered honestly. “I thought… I don’t know, Cha.”
The half finished sentence hung in the air between them, but Chacha knew better than to push the issue with Gackt. He could be surprisingly prickly when pushed on an issue he didn’t want to address and it was obvious from the way his shoulders were slumped that not only was there something he wasn’t saying, but there was something he didn’t want to say.
“Gakkun, I’ve been by your side for ten years now. I know when you’re hiding something from me and the same is true for You,” Chacha said in the same soft tone as before. Gackt didn’t react. “I’m not going to insist that you tell me, but it’s pretty obvious that you’ve done or said something that You didn’t like.”
At that Gackt’s head snapped up from the table and fixed on Chacha. Chacha couldn’t know, could he? “What makes you say that?”
Chacha sighed. “You’re acting far too friendly, it’s as if you’re trying to make up for some sin you’ve committed and You… well… he’s acting as if he can’t bear to be in the same room as you for too long.”
Gackt remained silent and Chacha allowed him his time to think. His face was the same controlled and impassive blank slate that would have been seen during TV interviews in years gone by, but Chacha knew that face and the man it belonged to well enough to pick up on the little signs. The tight set of the jaw, slight cock of the head to the left that always happened when Gackt was thinking deeply and the never ending movements of his musical fingers were enough for Chacha to realise that Gackt was working through something that hurt and confused him.
Finally, he spoke. “I really don’t know, Cha. There was… something… that I said, but I thought it wouldn’t have this effect. You said that it wouldn’t. I guess I was naïve enough to believe him.”
Chacha moved from his seat opposite Gackt and sat beside him, embracing the singer in a hug that Gackt was reluctant to return. He allowed Chacha to instigate the contact and to pull him into his arms, but his body was stiff, refusing to accept the comfort offered to him. The hotel’s restaurant was a public place, but Chacha knew that it wasn’t fear of being seen in public that was making Gackt reluctant, more a feeling that he didn’t deserve any type of comfort at all.
“I don’t know what you said or what You’s problem with it was, but if you ever want to talk, you know where I am. I’ll never judge you, Gakkun, even if the rest of the world will. You’ll always be my pain in the ass singer that’s too stubborn for his own good and has a heart far too big.”
Chacha placed a chaste kiss on Gackt’s forehead and instantly felt the tense body in his arms relax into his touch. Gackt made no sound as he buried his face in Chacha’s neck and loosely draped his arms around that slim waist. Chacha asked no questions of him, he merely rubbed the singer’s back in a way meant to be both comforting and reassuring.
“When you look at me and You, what do you see?” Gackt asked a little hesitantly, his breath tickling the base of Chacha’s throat.
Chacha’s hand stopped its movement on Gackt’s back and he moved back slightly, trying to get a better view of the face that was tightly pressed against his neck to try and figure out what Gackt was thinking. The sunglasses still covered his eyes, but Chacha didn’t need to see the endless blue of Gackt’s contact lenses to recognise how troubled he looked.
Ever since he’d first met Gackt all of those years ago, back when he was more enthusiasm than focus and a big ball of ideas but no idea on how to implement them, he’d had a special place in Chacha’s heart. Chacha had never taken the time to try and understand where that place was (friend? brother? something else?) and had simply taken his feelings at face value.
Chacha knew that Gackt was Gackt and that he loved him. Those were the only labels that mattered.
“I don’t understand what you mean, Gakkun.”
Gackt sighed and tightened his arms around Chacha’s waist slightly. “Do you see two band mates? Friends? Brothers?”
More labels. “I see two men who have known each other for a long time and have stuck together throughout everything this world can throw at them. I see two men who, despite their differences and their flaws, would walk to the ends of the earth for each other if they had to. Isn’t that enough?”
“I used to think it was but…”
Again, Gackt didn’t finish his sentence. Chacha removed Gackt from his embrace and took him gently by the shoulders, manoeuvring him until they were face to face again. Gackt offered no resistance, but refused to meet Chacha’s gaze.
“What’s this all about, Gakkun? What happened between the two of you?”
Chacha slowly raised his hand and very gently, as if he was afraid that his touch would tarnish something sacred, lifted Gackt’s chin until he had no choice but to look Chacha in the eye. As his right hand reverently held Gackt’s face in place, Chacha’s left hand cautiously removed those over sized sunglasses and placed them on the table. He was sick of Gackt hiding behind those dark lenses. There was a storm of emotions floating behind the fake blue lenses that tried to avoid Chacha’s stare and for a second, Chacha thought Gackt was going to tell him. But all too quickly Chacha recognised that cold detachment that came over Gackt’s face and eyes and knew that the moment was lost.
“Don’t worry about it, Cha, we’ll sort it out between us. We always do.”
Chacha watched in silence as Gackt quickly rose to his feet, gathered his things and walked out of the same door that You had recently used. He supposed it had been too much to ask for Gackt to have let that last wall down, but maybe one day, the singer would accept his own weaknesses enough to allow others to see them.
Until that day Chacha would do the only thing he could do when he hit the brick wall that was Gackt - try to pry the problem out of You instead.
*~*~*~
It didn’t take long for Chacha to find You. He could hear You’s raised voice as soon as he stepped outside the restaurant and shortly found him, waiting for an elevator with Gackt by his side.
“I’m not mad at you, Gackt,” You said calmly although his voice was a lot louder than normal. “I don’t want you to think that I am.”
Neither man noticed Chacha or the little crowd that had started to gather to try and figure out what the loud Japanese men were saying to each other in their native tongue. Fluency in Japanese wasn’t needed to hear the falsity of the calmness in You’s voice or the confusion and slight desperation in Gackt’s.
“What am I supposed to think,” Gackt asked, “when you can’t even have a conversation with me?”
“It’s not that..”
Gackt interrupted him. “We said we’d be friends now, remember? I’m making the effort so why can’t you?”
“But that’s exactly the problem, Gackt! You’re making too much of an effort. It’s false.”
Gackt narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest, a sure sign that he was feeling defensive. “It’s not false…”
“It is, Gackt. You don’t care about photography and have never offered to tune my guitars before. You’re just doing it because of the situation.”
“No,” Gackt answered, shaking his head. “I’m doing it because it's what friends do.”
“Bullshit,” You replied. “At least be honest with me. You seem to be pretty good at being honest lately.”
“That was uncalled for, You-kun.”
“Maybe so,” You acquiesced, “but you’re still lying to me. I just want things back the way they were, Gaku.”
“So do I,” Gackt agreed. “That’s why I’m trying everything I can…”
“You don’t understand, do you?” You asked. “I don’t want you to try everything. I wish you wouldn’t because you’re suffocating me. You’re always there, asking if I need something doing or laughing at jokes that aren’t funny and it’s freaking me out.”
“I’m just trying to…”
“Well don’t,” You snapped. “Be yourself. At least give me the real you…. I deserve that don’t I? I’m tired of this drama and bullshit, Gackt, if you’re not willing to be yourself around me then stay away.”
Gackt had no answer. Instead, he was striding through the lobby and out onto the street before Chacha had chance to call his name.
Chacha turned his attention to You.
“No, Cha,” You said as he stepped into the elevator that had just arrived, “I’m not going to talk about it. I’ll see you at the concert.”
With that the elevator doors closed and Chacha was left standing alone and confused in the lobby.
Exactly what was going on?
TBC...
Notes
1) Chacha, you are awesome.
2) The rating increases in the next chapter…
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