#77
I don't even know where to seriously begin.
I am so upset.
Why are things changing so fast?
I know I've always been out of the loop with mostly everything; but now it's like I'm a whole solar system away. Or something.
Boundaries are drawn for a reason. The reasons for why they are there have never been clear but boundaries are boundaries and we follow them. But when people start crossing those boundaries; the rules become all too confusing; its like one big mind fuck. An absolute total mess.
And I don't know. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now because I never saw THIS coming. Okay, so maybe I had never really been totally involved directly in this; call me vain or whatever, but I just can't help but feel like I'm somewhat affected, still.
When people have disliked each other for so long; I find it absolutely impossible for them to look at each other and say, lets be friends. Being civil is one thing but looking past all the shit you've said to each other and actually forming somewhat of a relationship is another. First of all, there's your pride. Turning your back on all the things you've said is like. I don't even know. There's just so much history, and there are some things you just can't forget. I mean you can spew all the optimistic shit you want about forgiving and forgetting but that just doesn't happen. Human beings are naturally vindictive and unforgiving and selfish and at some point in this royally fucked up friendship, all that 'forgive and forget' crap would be thrown out the window and they will remember. Everything.
And I don't know maybe its selfish of ME to say this. Maybe it makes absolutely no sense. And that's okay. I'm entitled to my own opinions, right? What I say isn't the gospel, take it for what it is, but it isn't the 'absolute' truth.
And of course, at the root of this all are my insecurities. I feel like the worst part about it all is I can actually see it all falling into place and they would all be in this perfect group and all would be well yadiyadiyadah and there would be me. And I would be out of it. Even farther out than I already am now. And it's just not fair because I've been here all along; I've always been here waiting to actually feel like I fit in with them, but here, two years later, I still don't.
And I'm still waiting.
Seriously. Story of my life.
God, all I ever do is wait for things to fall in place for ME. And it's taking seriously fucking forever and I'm getting incredibly impatient. And I'm just so tired.
But whatever. They can do whatever they want. Be friends with them, fine. I'm not gonna stop talking to them, and once I'm done with this entry, I consider this whole topic done and over with.
And well, the end, is now.
So
Bye.
I am so upset.
Why are things changing so fast?
I know I've always been out of the loop with mostly everything; but now it's like I'm a whole solar system away. Or something.
Boundaries are drawn for a reason. The reasons for why they are there have never been clear but boundaries are boundaries and we follow them. But when people start crossing those boundaries; the rules become all too confusing; its like one big mind fuck. An absolute total mess.
And I don't know. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now because I never saw THIS coming. Okay, so maybe I had never really been totally involved directly in this; call me vain or whatever, but I just can't help but feel like I'm somewhat affected, still.
When people have disliked each other for so long; I find it absolutely impossible for them to look at each other and say, lets be friends. Being civil is one thing but looking past all the shit you've said to each other and actually forming somewhat of a relationship is another. First of all, there's your pride. Turning your back on all the things you've said is like. I don't even know. There's just so much history, and there are some things you just can't forget. I mean you can spew all the optimistic shit you want about forgiving and forgetting but that just doesn't happen. Human beings are naturally vindictive and unforgiving and selfish and at some point in this royally fucked up friendship, all that 'forgive and forget' crap would be thrown out the window and they will remember. Everything.
And I don't know maybe its selfish of ME to say this. Maybe it makes absolutely no sense. And that's okay. I'm entitled to my own opinions, right? What I say isn't the gospel, take it for what it is, but it isn't the 'absolute' truth.
And of course, at the root of this all are my insecurities. I feel like the worst part about it all is I can actually see it all falling into place and they would all be in this perfect group and all would be well yadiyadiyadah and there would be me. And I would be out of it. Even farther out than I already am now. And it's just not fair because I've been here all along; I've always been here waiting to actually feel like I fit in with them, but here, two years later, I still don't.
And I'm still waiting.
Seriously. Story of my life.
God, all I ever do is wait for things to fall in place for ME. And it's taking seriously fucking forever and I'm getting incredibly impatient. And I'm just so tired.
But whatever. They can do whatever they want. Be friends with them, fine. I'm not gonna stop talking to them, and once I'm done with this entry, I consider this whole topic done and over with.
And well, the end, is now.
So
Bye.