(no subject)
I am a monster.
I kicked my ass today. Literally.
I banged my head against the door. I threw myself into the wall. I pulled my hair. I tore at my arms and legs with my nails. I even went so far as to take a knife to my skin. I only scratched, though. I didn't bleed, or leave anything that would scar. No breaking the skin. Just welts. Horrible welts. screamed. I cried. I screamed and I cried so hard that my nose started bleeding.
Have you ever felt like you were in a glass box in the middle of a crowd, and you were screaming at the top of your lungs, but everyone just kept walking and didn't hear a sound? Have you ever felt so empty that no matter what you did or how happy you acted, that black hole would just keep coming back for more, sucking away at everything you thought you were? Have you ever hated yourself SO much that you thought that everyone else should hate you too? Have you ever pushed away the person that you love, when all you really want is to cling to them... but you're too afraid? Too afraid you're going to drag them down with you. Too afraid that you're going to make them fail. Too afraid that you are going to make them hate themselves as much as you hate you. Too afraid that they're going to end up seeing the light one of these days, that they're going to see how truly ugly you are, how truly monstrous and unworthy and pathetic you are on the inside.
Evan, I love you. I love you so much.
But I wish you would hate me.
I wish the phone would ring, and he would tell me that he hates me, and he would yell at me and scream at me and tell me how ugly I am. I want him to tell me that he'd be better off without me, and that I don't deserve him, and that I'll never be good enough. I want him to justify my feelings.
And on the other hand...
I wish that he would tell me I'm wrong... and mean it. I wish he would grab me in his arms and hold me so tight, and let me cry on his shoulder as he strokes my hair and tells me I'm wrong and that he loves me and that everything is going to be okay and that I'm stronger then this. I wish he wouldn't be so afraid of my tears and my emotional outbursts. He seems uncomfortable around me when I cry, and I wish he wouldn't be. I wish I wouldn't push him away so much.
I wish the phone would ring.
But I know it won't.
Not tonight.
He won't read this tonight.
He might not even read this tomorrow.
It could be days.
And I know I won't have the guts to mention any of this to him.
Maybe I should just sleep.
And forget my feelings exist.
I wish I couldn't feel anymore.
I wish I was numb.
I want to be numb.
Oh god, somebody please make me numb.
I kicked my ass today. Literally.
I banged my head against the door. I threw myself into the wall. I pulled my hair. I tore at my arms and legs with my nails. I even went so far as to take a knife to my skin. I only scratched, though. I didn't bleed, or leave anything that would scar. No breaking the skin. Just welts. Horrible welts. screamed. I cried. I screamed and I cried so hard that my nose started bleeding.
Have you ever felt like you were in a glass box in the middle of a crowd, and you were screaming at the top of your lungs, but everyone just kept walking and didn't hear a sound? Have you ever felt so empty that no matter what you did or how happy you acted, that black hole would just keep coming back for more, sucking away at everything you thought you were? Have you ever hated yourself SO much that you thought that everyone else should hate you too? Have you ever pushed away the person that you love, when all you really want is to cling to them... but you're too afraid? Too afraid you're going to drag them down with you. Too afraid that you're going to make them fail. Too afraid that you are going to make them hate themselves as much as you hate you. Too afraid that they're going to end up seeing the light one of these days, that they're going to see how truly ugly you are, how truly monstrous and unworthy and pathetic you are on the inside.
Evan, I love you. I love you so much.
But I wish you would hate me.
I wish the phone would ring, and he would tell me that he hates me, and he would yell at me and scream at me and tell me how ugly I am. I want him to tell me that he'd be better off without me, and that I don't deserve him, and that I'll never be good enough. I want him to justify my feelings.
And on the other hand...
I wish that he would tell me I'm wrong... and mean it. I wish he would grab me in his arms and hold me so tight, and let me cry on his shoulder as he strokes my hair and tells me I'm wrong and that he loves me and that everything is going to be okay and that I'm stronger then this. I wish he wouldn't be so afraid of my tears and my emotional outbursts. He seems uncomfortable around me when I cry, and I wish he wouldn't be. I wish I wouldn't push him away so much.
I wish the phone would ring.
But I know it won't.
Not tonight.
He won't read this tonight.
He might not even read this tomorrow.
It could be days.
And I know I won't have the guts to mention any of this to him.
Maybe I should just sleep.
And forget my feelings exist.
I wish I couldn't feel anymore.
I wish I was numb.
I want to be numb.
Oh god, somebody please make me numb.