(no subject)
You know what I love about weed? I'm numb. If I have a problem, I get high, and it suddenly doesn't matter for a few short hours. But those hours are all the rest and relaxation I can get, because every other minute of my life is spent worrying or fearing or bitching or hating who I've become.
I much prefer numb.
It's like I'm not in my own body. My mind is still in there, and I can see from my eyes and think my own thoughts, but it doesn't matter: somebody else is responsible for my movements and decisions. I can just... live. I can run around in the rain and snow and wind outside wearing nothing at all and I would be perfectly content, because I would be numb. I AM numb. I am the embodiment of numbness. I am free, and I am simple, and I am happy. I don't need to worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow or what I'm going to say to certain people or how I'm going to deal with my problems... because none of it matters in the moment! I'm high... I'm watching the clouds skate under me like sheets of ice in a numbingly cold river, I'm so high up. I feel like it's beneath me to worry and fear and hate. It doesn't matter anymore, because I can't feel it. All I can feel is this body-shocking elation at the fact that I am breathing and thinking and alive. I feel so alive.
I don't need a higher high. I'm happy with my numbness.
But in the morning, I mourn the fact that I can't stay numb forever. And I sink right back into my depression, a sorrow spawned from no clear source that controls my every movement, and fills me with such a paralyzing fear. A fear that I will disappoint, that I will betray, that I will fail. I get so scared that I push the people that I love away from me, because I do not want to hurt them with my failure. But I fear only one thing more then letting everyone down. I fear being alone. And when I push them away, I realize that I will be alone, and I snatch them back again, bringing confusion and leaving sorrow in my wake. I am a monster. And I fill my lungs with my poison of choice so that I don't have to face that monster inside of me. I hope to kill my monsters with my poison. And I am slowly killing myself... not with the drugs, they don't affect my health. That kills my demons, not my body. I am killing myself with a rage so passionate, a hate so deep and strong that I am suffocating. I despise myself, and all that I am, because I do nothing but disappoint. It is one vicious cycle, and it knows no bounds. I am helpless, and dying, and from my point of view it looks like certain people in my life don't give a damn. Not everyone... just some certain ones. But it is those few who impact me the most, not because I respect anyone else less, but because they are the ones who promised to be there and don't show. Who promise to care and don't seem to. Who promise to love.
I just want to be numb.
I wish I had the courage to walk away from my life and start over again. I would start over again a million times just to get it right. Because thus far... I've failed.
I just wish I could be numb. I just wish I could not care anymore. I just want to go to sleep.
And not wake up.
Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix
Dark Phoenix
58%
Venom
57%
Two-Face
56%
Mystique
56%
Catwoman
47%
Poison Ivy
40%
The Joker
39%
Apocalypse
31%
Riddler
28%
Green Goblin
28%
Mr. Freeze
26%
Magneto
25%
Dr. Doom
19%
Lex Luthor
14%
Juggernaut
12%
Kingpin
12%
A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.
Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test
so true.
I much prefer numb.
It's like I'm not in my own body. My mind is still in there, and I can see from my eyes and think my own thoughts, but it doesn't matter: somebody else is responsible for my movements and decisions. I can just... live. I can run around in the rain and snow and wind outside wearing nothing at all and I would be perfectly content, because I would be numb. I AM numb. I am the embodiment of numbness. I am free, and I am simple, and I am happy. I don't need to worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow or what I'm going to say to certain people or how I'm going to deal with my problems... because none of it matters in the moment! I'm high... I'm watching the clouds skate under me like sheets of ice in a numbingly cold river, I'm so high up. I feel like it's beneath me to worry and fear and hate. It doesn't matter anymore, because I can't feel it. All I can feel is this body-shocking elation at the fact that I am breathing and thinking and alive. I feel so alive.
I don't need a higher high. I'm happy with my numbness.
But in the morning, I mourn the fact that I can't stay numb forever. And I sink right back into my depression, a sorrow spawned from no clear source that controls my every movement, and fills me with such a paralyzing fear. A fear that I will disappoint, that I will betray, that I will fail. I get so scared that I push the people that I love away from me, because I do not want to hurt them with my failure. But I fear only one thing more then letting everyone down. I fear being alone. And when I push them away, I realize that I will be alone, and I snatch them back again, bringing confusion and leaving sorrow in my wake. I am a monster. And I fill my lungs with my poison of choice so that I don't have to face that monster inside of me. I hope to kill my monsters with my poison. And I am slowly killing myself... not with the drugs, they don't affect my health. That kills my demons, not my body. I am killing myself with a rage so passionate, a hate so deep and strong that I am suffocating. I despise myself, and all that I am, because I do nothing but disappoint. It is one vicious cycle, and it knows no bounds. I am helpless, and dying, and from my point of view it looks like certain people in my life don't give a damn. Not everyone... just some certain ones. But it is those few who impact me the most, not because I respect anyone else less, but because they are the ones who promised to be there and don't show. Who promise to care and don't seem to. Who promise to love.
I just want to be numb.
I wish I had the courage to walk away from my life and start over again. I would start over again a million times just to get it right. Because thus far... I've failed.
I just wish I could be numb. I just wish I could not care anymore. I just want to go to sleep.
And not wake up.
Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix
Dark Phoenix
58%
Venom
57%
Two-Face
56%
Mystique
56%
Catwoman
47%
Poison Ivy
40%
The Joker
39%
Apocalypse
31%
Riddler
28%
Green Goblin
28%
Mr. Freeze
26%
Magneto
25%
Dr. Doom
19%
Lex Luthor
14%
Juggernaut
12%
Kingpin
12%
A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.
Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test
so true.