my head hurts.
i want to go to to detroit for new years. isn't happening. i have no cigs and i can't get any because my car is blocked in. i think that's why my head hurts. i usually don't ever get head aches. this is rare for me.
i was thinking the other day awhile back about group theory. the dyad is the strongest form of a group, but a triad is usually more common. but all groups no matter how large are just clusters of interwoven dyads. i don't remember why i made myself remember this, but there's a reason. i'm just writing to try to remember the point i made with myself. i have a feeling i won't unearth it now, though.
the one person that we lie to the most is ourselves. and to think we do it with good intentions of making ourselves better people. i already knew this about myself, but i guess i had taken it for granted. i can't stand it when people think they are the exception to the rules. you aren't that goddamn special. maybe that's something that people like about me . . . i know i'm no exception. i usually tend to be the opposite. i know that i'm growing older, and maybe i'm just fucked in the head, but sometimes it feels like my life is running out. i'll try to clarify. when i was younger and in 3rd grade, i knew that in 10 years i would be starting college, and i had these imaginary options for my future. they were so far off, but still visible to me. now it seems that i can barely picture scenarios for my future, and when i do, they aren't even years away, maybe a few months. it just seems like there is a wall up and my life ends there. i don't think i'm going to die, but i do think that there's something there that i just don't get, don't see, and can't conceive.
so around this time last year my friend bambi was in the hospital from a somewhat freak accident. she was in her late 30's or early 40's. either way, her daughter who is 13 is staying the night tonight. bambi's death was the hardest out of anyone for me to deal with in my life. most others were old anyway and expected to pass at some point, but this kinda came outta nowhere, and i'd never lost someone that was a part of my routine, my everyday life before. it's been much harder to have her daughter around than i imagined. she really reminds me of her mom. i remember when she was born. i haven't said anything to her. i can't, and i know that's immature and selfish and rude and the list continues, so slam me all you want, but i can't help it. usually i can fake my way through anything, but that i can't. i just can't bring myself to face her. it hurts. alot. i'm only half gay, but this situation should still apeal to everyone. i haven't told anyone this but here goes. you know when you're near puberty and you're hit with hormones that put you on insane horny? and you're starting to grow up a little and you begin to talk to adults without having been spoken to first (other than your parents) and are trying to act mature? and you connect with that one person who is an adult but still young and they are easy to talk to and fun to hang out with and you almost start to fall for them? i think everyone has one of those and for me that was bambi. i thought i was okay with this whole thing, but the i think what gets me is the last time i remember seeing rachel, bambi's daughter, was at the funeral.
okay, i know for a fact that i wrote more than a chapter of my life on here. i also know some will get bored and that's cool too. i've come to realize that it's not important who reads this, it's important that i write here.
i was thinking the other day awhile back about group theory. the dyad is the strongest form of a group, but a triad is usually more common. but all groups no matter how large are just clusters of interwoven dyads. i don't remember why i made myself remember this, but there's a reason. i'm just writing to try to remember the point i made with myself. i have a feeling i won't unearth it now, though.
the one person that we lie to the most is ourselves. and to think we do it with good intentions of making ourselves better people. i already knew this about myself, but i guess i had taken it for granted. i can't stand it when people think they are the exception to the rules. you aren't that goddamn special. maybe that's something that people like about me . . . i know i'm no exception. i usually tend to be the opposite. i know that i'm growing older, and maybe i'm just fucked in the head, but sometimes it feels like my life is running out. i'll try to clarify. when i was younger and in 3rd grade, i knew that in 10 years i would be starting college, and i had these imaginary options for my future. they were so far off, but still visible to me. now it seems that i can barely picture scenarios for my future, and when i do, they aren't even years away, maybe a few months. it just seems like there is a wall up and my life ends there. i don't think i'm going to die, but i do think that there's something there that i just don't get, don't see, and can't conceive.
so around this time last year my friend bambi was in the hospital from a somewhat freak accident. she was in her late 30's or early 40's. either way, her daughter who is 13 is staying the night tonight. bambi's death was the hardest out of anyone for me to deal with in my life. most others were old anyway and expected to pass at some point, but this kinda came outta nowhere, and i'd never lost someone that was a part of my routine, my everyday life before. it's been much harder to have her daughter around than i imagined. she really reminds me of her mom. i remember when she was born. i haven't said anything to her. i can't, and i know that's immature and selfish and rude and the list continues, so slam me all you want, but i can't help it. usually i can fake my way through anything, but that i can't. i just can't bring myself to face her. it hurts. alot. i'm only half gay, but this situation should still apeal to everyone. i haven't told anyone this but here goes. you know when you're near puberty and you're hit with hormones that put you on insane horny? and you're starting to grow up a little and you begin to talk to adults without having been spoken to first (other than your parents) and are trying to act mature? and you connect with that one person who is an adult but still young and they are easy to talk to and fun to hang out with and you almost start to fall for them? i think everyone has one of those and for me that was bambi. i thought i was okay with this whole thing, but the i think what gets me is the last time i remember seeing rachel, bambi's daughter, was at the funeral.
okay, i know for a fact that i wrote more than a chapter of my life on here. i also know some will get bored and that's cool too. i've come to realize that it's not important who reads this, it's important that i write here.