Fat
I feel terribly fat today. I ate a personal pizza for lunch and saw this guy I knew freshmen year (he went on a two year mission and is back now). He was sitting with his friends and I was sitting at a table all by myself eating pizza and mustard (don't judge me). I saw him, but I was really hoping he wouldn't recognize me. It would make me feel bad, but at the same time I would feel better because I didn't want to be seen eating pizza. I should've just went and sat somewhere else. Anyways, I was sitting there panicking and trying not to look at him. I did look at him and saw him looking at me and I felt dumb. Then we he got up to leave, he stopped and said hi and asked how close I am to graduating, etc. We made small talk while I awkwardly help the last bite of crust in my fingers and prayed there was no sauce on my face. Then he left.
Instantly, I wanted to binge. I had already eaten a personal pizza, but I wanted ice cream. I wanted it so much. I almost bought some, but I calmly walked back to my science building. I worked on an assignment and tried not to focus on my stomach.
But right now, I want to purge again. I just ate some curry with couscous and an apple. I feel full. I feel ugly. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and all I saw was ugly. My top is bigger than my legs and it just looks really awful. And to top it off I'm wearing TOMS, which I think are only for skinny people. And my hair is in a braid, which I love, but it's bumpy. I want to purge!!!!! But I have a club meeting in 10 minutes so hopefully the urge will pass while I'm there.
And I hate research. I have such a hard time finding anything. Damn pancreatitis.
Instantly, I wanted to binge. I had already eaten a personal pizza, but I wanted ice cream. I wanted it so much. I almost bought some, but I calmly walked back to my science building. I worked on an assignment and tried not to focus on my stomach.
But right now, I want to purge again. I just ate some curry with couscous and an apple. I feel full. I feel ugly. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and all I saw was ugly. My top is bigger than my legs and it just looks really awful. And to top it off I'm wearing TOMS, which I think are only for skinny people. And my hair is in a braid, which I love, but it's bumpy. I want to purge!!!!! But I have a club meeting in 10 minutes so hopefully the urge will pass while I'm there.
And I hate research. I have such a hard time finding anything. Damn pancreatitis.