(no subject)

[unluckynumber13]

It's been a long while since I've made an entry. I've not really forgotten about lj I've just been so busy. Two kids... Full time job. James is usually gone so it really just does not leave much time for me. I think a lot about writing in here. I want to capture my... Life that was kinda always the point right capturing memories points in our lives. I am content with life. I will not say it's not difficult but I'm happy. benny will be four in a week. It is astonishing to me.. A whole 4 years ago I had a diffrent world. Rinoa will be one soon as well. Since her introduction into our world... Life has become a daily joy. I absolutely adore my children I truly do . I work a lot and miss out on them offten but it makes me apprechiate every single moment with them. I cannot picture a world without them. They are both amazing. My life with James is a happy one too. I hate saying this because I don't belive in a god or soul mates or... Any of that bull shit but for lack of a better word I am blessed to have him. It is clear why I struggled without him in my life because we were made for one another. We compliment one another well ans I couldn't imagine a world without him. Things needed to work out the way they did between us. We needed time apart to hate one another and be angry and love others we needed time to hurt and restart our lives. There would be no we unless we had that time. I feel as though there has never been another person I've been so connected to. I have loved others... I still long for them too. I miss Kyle and Mitch and Kathryn offten very offten. I hate Mitch for his happiness with someone else all the time but am glad for it. I am sore over Kathryn never giving me a glance and I hold dear even moment I got to spend with kyle. But I know that none of those people were quite right. I love them and my memories of them I hold so closely. Some more clear than others but in every way there were lacking. Now this is not to say James is perfection. He isn't nor am I but he is a perfect fit for me. I am so thankful for him. I know he is for me too. Our little family fills me with so much joy. I have found since we have joined together my outlook on life has gotten much more positive... I am rarely stressed... Or overwhelmed. Sure I work hard.. Shit sucks sometimes things dont go the way I want or need... But I never feel unsupported. Right now I am struggling with James's absence there are days his work gets to me. I feel left behind and annoyed by the expectations. I put them on myself though however I know... My hard work is appreciated I know when he gets home... I can freely say what I'm thinking how I feel and we can talk about it share the frustration together and rework something to make it better. I've always felt the need to be more than I can.. To be prettier keep a cleaner house be a better liver mother girlfreind cook host.... You name it I've tried to be better at it and... Its Comforting to know James is okay with my failures and he is happy to help me accomplish what I want to and I will do the same for him. There is the truth in the saying you cannot love someone else unless you learn to live yourself... However I feel like somtimes that that's help to accomplish that first eye opening experience.

It's getting late though I'm finding myself falling asleep while I write this. I've been up late reading again (sword of truth series btw which is really good so far so someone should check it out) but later I want to write more later.