Bumpy Roads
Things have been rough lately, just a lot of change. I quit my job at the hotel .... money wise it was a great decision but ... just life wise not so much.
I finally felt like I ... figured out how to float happily along this little river of life ... I was no longer gasping for air and ... flailing around grasping for anything to keep me afloat, I had it. Now I kinda feel ... like I am loosing it again. I guess its just an adjustment.
I am finding it hard to be away from the kids, and spending so much time and just ... I come home exhausted and don't have much patience for hearing mom mom mom look at this every 4 seconds or ... fighting a toddler to get to bed. Even when its not something Benny means to be stressful like he is just trying to share something with me .... I feel like it makes me crazy. Right now Rinoa is sick too and is just requiring all of my attention, shes got a horrible cough and I've been back and forth to doctors with her for the last week ... and I know it could be worse but ... its just hard right now.... thats all I guess. I feel sort of stretched everywhere
Its hard to balance a full 40 hours a week working a busy fast paced job, 2 kids, being a wife so to speak ... house maid ... laundry service nurse and taxi ... and the countless other hats I wear.... James is gone a lot, so ... it kinda adds being a single mom of two to the list then when he comes home I also have to magically be ... adjusted and ready for that ... Like I know thats odd ... to hear but it does take an adjusment. There is life without james and when he comes home its sort of like adjusting to a guest being in your home, while I am thrilled to have him home and I curse him all day when he is gone for not being there ... I figure out life without him. So when he comes home and expects me to clean up after him and cook dinner and ... have sex and shit it just makes me crazy. Its hard to go back and forth to do everything and be mom constantly and then adding him and his needs in the pot too. I am not really complaining, I am happy he is in my life but ... its again just hard ... and I don't think he really realizes ... that its difficult for me ... to just switch back and forth.
Because really there shouldn't be a switch in his head. Just like how I assume he just works when he is gone ... and get pissed when he only has a 200 dollar paycheck .... he prob assumes I am still being super wife when he is gone. Idk assume makes an ass out of you and me.
So this new job, I am waitressing at the Alamo in Gatlinburg and let me tell you ....
I've been on the floor for 2 nights on my own and this is my intake:
75 Monday
150 Wendsday ...
My paycheck I picked up from holiday inn today was 189 for 5 days of work ... do you see where I am going here. Its the SLOW season. And I am making that .... imagine what its going to be in 2-3 weeks ... when spring break hits when .... summer is going. FINALLY getting out of debt. My credit card is paid off, I have the bed ( I have a really fancy bed ... that I paid a lot of money for but it makes a big diffrence) and my car payments left. James has taxes to do from this year and last year .... and his drivers Liscense is finally in the works ... summer should clear those debts and payments off and ... Then I am free to finally save. That means we can get out asses out of TN.
The drawback is: I drive 2 hours total to and from work .... I work my ass off cleaning, running food, sweating because its hot as shit there .... and I work 40+ a week ... 2 days off and its about to only be one. I spend more time driving/being at work than I will spend awake time with the kids and that fucking sucks because james is gone so right now I am their only parent... and what parent am I if they don't even see me?
That is the part I am really struggling with. yes yes we all need jobs but ... if I work 5 days ... 40 hours ... I really am gone 50 essentially ... That isn't fair to them. Money isn't everything and for me ... I just want shit paid off and to be able to not struggle everyday. I don't want pay check to pay check or ... aid for this or that. Luckily I've gone though life pretty much unscathed. I went on foodstamps for 2 months while I was on maternity leave since I wasn't paid for that .... and that is the only govt aid I've ever asked for. So I guess ... at 23 with two kids that isn't much to complain about. I never miss bills or am late on rent I have good credit ..., I always work my ass off with one or two jobs .... so I felt like the 2 months I needed the help it wasn't so uncalled for. I felt like shit doing it ... but It was something that had to happen last min.
I don't feel like I am in a bad spot for being this age and 2 kids and divorced. OOOH WHICH speaking of. My divorce will be done April 7th, after almost 3 years of being seperated and living apart ... finally I will be divorced and ... maybe start heading down a better moral path as far as marriage and relationships go.
Idk I want to try and sleep I guess I have a double starting at 10:30 tomorrow, so I have a lot to do before 9am... sigh. Goodnight moon.
I finally felt like I ... figured out how to float happily along this little river of life ... I was no longer gasping for air and ... flailing around grasping for anything to keep me afloat, I had it. Now I kinda feel ... like I am loosing it again. I guess its just an adjustment.
I am finding it hard to be away from the kids, and spending so much time and just ... I come home exhausted and don't have much patience for hearing mom mom mom look at this every 4 seconds or ... fighting a toddler to get to bed. Even when its not something Benny means to be stressful like he is just trying to share something with me .... I feel like it makes me crazy. Right now Rinoa is sick too and is just requiring all of my attention, shes got a horrible cough and I've been back and forth to doctors with her for the last week ... and I know it could be worse but ... its just hard right now.... thats all I guess. I feel sort of stretched everywhere
Its hard to balance a full 40 hours a week working a busy fast paced job, 2 kids, being a wife so to speak ... house maid ... laundry service nurse and taxi ... and the countless other hats I wear.... James is gone a lot, so ... it kinda adds being a single mom of two to the list then when he comes home I also have to magically be ... adjusted and ready for that ... Like I know thats odd ... to hear but it does take an adjusment. There is life without james and when he comes home its sort of like adjusting to a guest being in your home, while I am thrilled to have him home and I curse him all day when he is gone for not being there ... I figure out life without him. So when he comes home and expects me to clean up after him and cook dinner and ... have sex and shit it just makes me crazy. Its hard to go back and forth to do everything and be mom constantly and then adding him and his needs in the pot too. I am not really complaining, I am happy he is in my life but ... its again just hard ... and I don't think he really realizes ... that its difficult for me ... to just switch back and forth.
Because really there shouldn't be a switch in his head. Just like how I assume he just works when he is gone ... and get pissed when he only has a 200 dollar paycheck .... he prob assumes I am still being super wife when he is gone. Idk assume makes an ass out of you and me.
So this new job, I am waitressing at the Alamo in Gatlinburg and let me tell you ....
I've been on the floor for 2 nights on my own and this is my intake:
75 Monday
150 Wendsday ...
My paycheck I picked up from holiday inn today was 189 for 5 days of work ... do you see where I am going here. Its the SLOW season. And I am making that .... imagine what its going to be in 2-3 weeks ... when spring break hits when .... summer is going. FINALLY getting out of debt. My credit card is paid off, I have the bed ( I have a really fancy bed ... that I paid a lot of money for but it makes a big diffrence) and my car payments left. James has taxes to do from this year and last year .... and his drivers Liscense is finally in the works ... summer should clear those debts and payments off and ... Then I am free to finally save. That means we can get out asses out of TN.
The drawback is: I drive 2 hours total to and from work .... I work my ass off cleaning, running food, sweating because its hot as shit there .... and I work 40+ a week ... 2 days off and its about to only be one. I spend more time driving/being at work than I will spend awake time with the kids and that fucking sucks because james is gone so right now I am their only parent... and what parent am I if they don't even see me?
That is the part I am really struggling with. yes yes we all need jobs but ... if I work 5 days ... 40 hours ... I really am gone 50 essentially ... That isn't fair to them. Money isn't everything and for me ... I just want shit paid off and to be able to not struggle everyday. I don't want pay check to pay check or ... aid for this or that. Luckily I've gone though life pretty much unscathed. I went on foodstamps for 2 months while I was on maternity leave since I wasn't paid for that .... and that is the only govt aid I've ever asked for. So I guess ... at 23 with two kids that isn't much to complain about. I never miss bills or am late on rent I have good credit ..., I always work my ass off with one or two jobs .... so I felt like the 2 months I needed the help it wasn't so uncalled for. I felt like shit doing it ... but It was something that had to happen last min.
I don't feel like I am in a bad spot for being this age and 2 kids and divorced. OOOH WHICH speaking of. My divorce will be done April 7th, after almost 3 years of being seperated and living apart ... finally I will be divorced and ... maybe start heading down a better moral path as far as marriage and relationships go.
Idk I want to try and sleep I guess I have a double starting at 10:30 tomorrow, so I have a lot to do before 9am... sigh. Goodnight moon.