The End
We are finally reaching the end of what has been quite the most up and down ... crazy as shit year of my life.
In less than 30 days, I will have a baby girl who has absolutely turned my life so unexpectedly upside down I can't even explain it. Its gone from absolute misery some days to joy and hopefullness others. My relationship has been an absolutely horrid train wreck to ... loving and supportive and over all its just been so flip floppy I can't belive its been just about 10 months.
There has been so much growth since moving back here to TN, not in myself but in my son and just realization ..... and awareness completely. I can't remember who I was 3 years ago but today I can tell you who I am and where I am going ... sorta. haha.
This isn't really a post of clarity but just more of a milestone. I think I have ... reached that point in my life where I can truly say I have hit adulthood. The ... tasks and world I set up for myself years ago ... where just an image ... it was me playing house so to say. I was a child mimicking what I thought it meant to be older. It isn't about ... being married or doing what ... adults do its about living life with responsibility meaning and just working hard.
A job today means something totally different today than I did at 18, today it puts food on the table pays my bills ... it allows me to have things in life, that was something I thought I was doing before. Back then it was fun today it is necessity. Kids means something diffrent, relationships mean something diffrent the word love ... is diffrent. Everything has changed in my world.
While I was thrown into this ... semi by choice semi by surprise I think james and I will be okay. He I think also has reached a point of understanding. While he is still sometimes shakey on it ... he seems to get it now. He went 3 months without working by choice. Since ... pretty much we delt with the drama involving his dad .... he has worked just about everyday taking any job he could get without question, walking if he had to ... taking whatever pay he could just ... to make sure he was contributing. His most recent once since the cabins were done being built he was washing dishes at a resturant ... he would walk/skate the 3 miles there ... today he headed out to louisville to do some I&D work ... he sold his truck finally ... giving us an extra boost and ... is overall working on fixing his loose ends finally. Overall .... he did it I think he has pulled it together. I mean he scared the fucking shit out of me for months and I went into crippling debt because of it but ... he did do it. And he really seems to be serious about being along for the ride... which in turn made a world of change in myself too.
I realized ... for a long time I was using every ounce of me to not get too involved with james and really ... anyone. I wanted a relationship but I was afraid of it. Even something as serious as bringing another child into the world ... wasn't changing it for me. in fact it pushed me way in the other direction I think. After the whole vegas thing ... and everything else we delt with ... I really wasnt sure. Then idk one day ... it just fell into place. I felt ... free. I wasn't afraid anymore of it... because what is there to be afraid of. Shit hurts but ... really my life has already been shaken up so much ... whats it matter. The realization that the world isn't story book was enough to kick my ass into gear. There is no story book, its what we make of our lives. Just because you get married and do everything right and play by the rules does not mean your protected from hurt. You can just always keep your guard up ... and just be prepared for the worst but you still have to live your life.
I finally have that sense of family again, I feel like james and I are a team. I dropped my walls and ... everything kinda fell into place. He needed that too. I realized he really did want ... me in his life, but he needed to see I needed and wanted him too. I was so used to just being treated horribly and not really being loved that I just ... kept on that track. You have to treat others as you wish to be treated. That is a rule I knew from the start but wasn't practicing. I opened my world up to him and he was willing and ready to be a part of it. The moment I decided it was going to be okay ... he decided it was worth it to work harder do better. And now I understand it.
It is ASTONISHING to me how good he is with benny really. I was so stuck on no one else can be dad other than mitch that I don't think I ever really allowed it to happen. But I am glad that I have. Its one thing ... to think of myself but its a whole nother world when you bring a child into it and really if james wasn't able to be there for benny like he is ... I would have had to say sorry. He is firm, fair and playful with him. Benny completely adores him too. He really does love him and you can just tell. I am glad for it, so glad for it. ... and really I think that having there has really allowed me to see a lot about Mitch
Now ... I am not saying anything bad about Mitch, I respect him as a person ... and I apprechite his help all the time. However, he is a bad parent... he just isn't there. He just isn't cut out for it and really I don't know that he will ever be. Which for me ... was new. I always had Mitch on a pedistal I think. I always thought he could do no wrong, he was perfect he was well ... edward right. But even that sparkley bastard had issues. Obviously I was entirely wrong and found that out the hard way after months of struggles, but I kept part of him always up there. I remember falling to peices on the floor ... in the apartment in Italy before I left. Feeling fucking miserable for having to break apart out family and ... all that and you know what. I didn't
I didn't do anything other than try to be there and be a wife and a mom, mitch didn't want that and he still does not want it. He loves the idea of a wife, being a dad ... sure it was his sperm ... and his money puts clothes on his back when mine can't ... but he isn't a father. I spent so much time beating myself up saying I am a failure and horrible and just ruined my son's world. No I didn't I prob saved him from years of being fucked up actually. Mitch and I are planning our divorce after the baby is out of my body... I will finally be able to finish it up. He needs to have a parenting plan right, which means he has to set in place how much he wants to see benny pretty much. Well ... the first thing he says is ... well I am in the military for another year so I have no idea liss... so I said okay. I get that, but picture once you get out of the military and your living your life ... normally. Ooh okay well I plan to go to school so I can't really have him then until I am done ..
my mouth almost hit the ground. Okay ... you have spent years away from your son, missed every day of his life practically, every milestone so far ... and when your out of the military you will be able to have your son there if you want. and he says because he has to go to school he cant.
I wanted to laugh.
From day one ... I have had no option. If I was too tired, I had to find strength, if I was too sick, I had to find more energy, Rich, Poor, Educated or not, falling apart ... didn't matter scrape yourself together and be there for them. Everyday since before he was born. I was there ... even if I didn't want to be. I was there. Because that is my job. That is my commitment to this child. I created him and I will be there every fucking day of my life. I will take that extra step. Not because I want to (even though I do) but because I have to. I wouldnt trade it for the world right now, My son is pretty much everything to me. so its almost insulting to me to hear ... well I have to go to school so idk ... SORRY ITS NOT CONVIENT FOR YOU. Like are you serious. You either want to see your son or not and when he isn't on a ship he will be able to the option will be there and he does not want to take it. Which ... shows me ... he really isn't going to be here for him like I thought. It makes me so mad I spent so much time and effort trying ... trying to keep it together and make sure mitch has his place in bennys life. because really he does not want it. He likes the idea of a kid or maybe idk he just feels obligated....and whatever that is cool because it just makes it a way better situation for him if we aren't passing him around.
so that is where we are.
Ready to have this baby girl, live life in chaos for a few months and enjoy my family the best I can while making ends meet. It blows its going to be hard and I am sure I am going to wish I could die in a hole some days ... but I can't wait for it. Its not going to be hard forever.
In less than 30 days, I will have a baby girl who has absolutely turned my life so unexpectedly upside down I can't even explain it. Its gone from absolute misery some days to joy and hopefullness others. My relationship has been an absolutely horrid train wreck to ... loving and supportive and over all its just been so flip floppy I can't belive its been just about 10 months.
There has been so much growth since moving back here to TN, not in myself but in my son and just realization ..... and awareness completely. I can't remember who I was 3 years ago but today I can tell you who I am and where I am going ... sorta. haha.
This isn't really a post of clarity but just more of a milestone. I think I have ... reached that point in my life where I can truly say I have hit adulthood. The ... tasks and world I set up for myself years ago ... where just an image ... it was me playing house so to say. I was a child mimicking what I thought it meant to be older. It isn't about ... being married or doing what ... adults do its about living life with responsibility meaning and just working hard.
A job today means something totally different today than I did at 18, today it puts food on the table pays my bills ... it allows me to have things in life, that was something I thought I was doing before. Back then it was fun today it is necessity. Kids means something diffrent, relationships mean something diffrent the word love ... is diffrent. Everything has changed in my world.
While I was thrown into this ... semi by choice semi by surprise I think james and I will be okay. He I think also has reached a point of understanding. While he is still sometimes shakey on it ... he seems to get it now. He went 3 months without working by choice. Since ... pretty much we delt with the drama involving his dad .... he has worked just about everyday taking any job he could get without question, walking if he had to ... taking whatever pay he could just ... to make sure he was contributing. His most recent once since the cabins were done being built he was washing dishes at a resturant ... he would walk/skate the 3 miles there ... today he headed out to louisville to do some I&D work ... he sold his truck finally ... giving us an extra boost and ... is overall working on fixing his loose ends finally. Overall .... he did it I think he has pulled it together. I mean he scared the fucking shit out of me for months and I went into crippling debt because of it but ... he did do it. And he really seems to be serious about being along for the ride... which in turn made a world of change in myself too.
I realized ... for a long time I was using every ounce of me to not get too involved with james and really ... anyone. I wanted a relationship but I was afraid of it. Even something as serious as bringing another child into the world ... wasn't changing it for me. in fact it pushed me way in the other direction I think. After the whole vegas thing ... and everything else we delt with ... I really wasnt sure. Then idk one day ... it just fell into place. I felt ... free. I wasn't afraid anymore of it... because what is there to be afraid of. Shit hurts but ... really my life has already been shaken up so much ... whats it matter. The realization that the world isn't story book was enough to kick my ass into gear. There is no story book, its what we make of our lives. Just because you get married and do everything right and play by the rules does not mean your protected from hurt. You can just always keep your guard up ... and just be prepared for the worst but you still have to live your life.
I finally have that sense of family again, I feel like james and I are a team. I dropped my walls and ... everything kinda fell into place. He needed that too. I realized he really did want ... me in his life, but he needed to see I needed and wanted him too. I was so used to just being treated horribly and not really being loved that I just ... kept on that track. You have to treat others as you wish to be treated. That is a rule I knew from the start but wasn't practicing. I opened my world up to him and he was willing and ready to be a part of it. The moment I decided it was going to be okay ... he decided it was worth it to work harder do better. And now I understand it.
It is ASTONISHING to me how good he is with benny really. I was so stuck on no one else can be dad other than mitch that I don't think I ever really allowed it to happen. But I am glad that I have. Its one thing ... to think of myself but its a whole nother world when you bring a child into it and really if james wasn't able to be there for benny like he is ... I would have had to say sorry. He is firm, fair and playful with him. Benny completely adores him too. He really does love him and you can just tell. I am glad for it, so glad for it. ... and really I think that having there has really allowed me to see a lot about Mitch
Now ... I am not saying anything bad about Mitch, I respect him as a person ... and I apprechite his help all the time. However, he is a bad parent... he just isn't there. He just isn't cut out for it and really I don't know that he will ever be. Which for me ... was new. I always had Mitch on a pedistal I think. I always thought he could do no wrong, he was perfect he was well ... edward right. But even that sparkley bastard had issues. Obviously I was entirely wrong and found that out the hard way after months of struggles, but I kept part of him always up there. I remember falling to peices on the floor ... in the apartment in Italy before I left. Feeling fucking miserable for having to break apart out family and ... all that and you know what. I didn't
I didn't do anything other than try to be there and be a wife and a mom, mitch didn't want that and he still does not want it. He loves the idea of a wife, being a dad ... sure it was his sperm ... and his money puts clothes on his back when mine can't ... but he isn't a father. I spent so much time beating myself up saying I am a failure and horrible and just ruined my son's world. No I didn't I prob saved him from years of being fucked up actually. Mitch and I are planning our divorce after the baby is out of my body... I will finally be able to finish it up. He needs to have a parenting plan right, which means he has to set in place how much he wants to see benny pretty much. Well ... the first thing he says is ... well I am in the military for another year so I have no idea liss... so I said okay. I get that, but picture once you get out of the military and your living your life ... normally. Ooh okay well I plan to go to school so I can't really have him then until I am done ..
my mouth almost hit the ground. Okay ... you have spent years away from your son, missed every day of his life practically, every milestone so far ... and when your out of the military you will be able to have your son there if you want. and he says because he has to go to school he cant.
I wanted to laugh.
From day one ... I have had no option. If I was too tired, I had to find strength, if I was too sick, I had to find more energy, Rich, Poor, Educated or not, falling apart ... didn't matter scrape yourself together and be there for them. Everyday since before he was born. I was there ... even if I didn't want to be. I was there. Because that is my job. That is my commitment to this child. I created him and I will be there every fucking day of my life. I will take that extra step. Not because I want to (even though I do) but because I have to. I wouldnt trade it for the world right now, My son is pretty much everything to me. so its almost insulting to me to hear ... well I have to go to school so idk ... SORRY ITS NOT CONVIENT FOR YOU. Like are you serious. You either want to see your son or not and when he isn't on a ship he will be able to the option will be there and he does not want to take it. Which ... shows me ... he really isn't going to be here for him like I thought. It makes me so mad I spent so much time and effort trying ... trying to keep it together and make sure mitch has his place in bennys life. because really he does not want it. He likes the idea of a kid or maybe idk he just feels obligated....and whatever that is cool because it just makes it a way better situation for him if we aren't passing him around.
so that is where we are.
Ready to have this baby girl, live life in chaos for a few months and enjoy my family the best I can while making ends meet. It blows its going to be hard and I am sure I am going to wish I could die in a hole some days ... but I can't wait for it. Its not going to be hard forever.