(no subject)
Ok here goes my twenty minutes of writing without stopping. I haven't done this in a while. But I have to do something. I don't know what's in my head but something is bringing me down. I don't want to get out of bed. Ever. The only thing that keeps me getting up is because it affects Garett. I don't want to. I've been having suicidal thoughts again. And I'm afraid to be sad. I don't want Garett to think it's his fault. He says he's my life right now and if I'm unhappy with my life then I'm unhappy with him. But I'm not. I'm not unhappy with him at all. I mean sure - I wish he would pick up after himself. I REALLY REALLY wish he would pick up after himself. But right now I mostly wish that because it takes so much effort for me to do anything. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't see how I'm ever going to get on top of things. There are certain things I have to have energy for. Like work, doing something special with Garett or other friends, being around family, being excited for the puppy, trying to get a new job. These things are all important to me and I know it will help me get out of this funk so I stuff down my negative feelings as far down as I can and put a smile on my face. I did it yesterday for my interview. And now I feel completely drained. I feel like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of my soul. And I know this is not normal. I even try to make it all in my head. I try to believe that I can think positive and this will all just go away but it hurts so bad when it doesn't. Can't I just feel good for even 3 days in a row? Please?? I don't know where to go or who to talk to and I feel so alone. And I don't know what I would say even if there was someone to talk to. There's nothing to talk about. I know the things I need to do. And I wish more than anything I had the energy to do them. Today I tried to go through my backed up paperwork anyway. I started, got a few important things done which was very necessary, but it all happens so slowly. I almost started to enjoy myself for a minute when I started, then I realized I was paying attention to too much and taking too long so I started to pick up the pace to just get it done and before I knew it I could barely keep my eyes open and I wanted to sleep sooo badly. I was exhausted. But I couldn't sleep. I didn't try because I felt bad that Garett was at work making money for us and I felt that I needed to be doing something that benefited him. But there were so many things I wanted to do. I got partway through the kitchen. Did a few loads of laundry. But there is so much more I want to do. And I wish he had the same desire to be clean and organized that I do. I think he does. But he doesn't want to be the one to do it. But I don't want to be doing it ALONE either. I wish I could. But it's so much for one person when the other one doesn't do or even notice the little things.