my blessing and my curse.
Listen: to make an effort to hear something. To pay attention.
Listening to people is my passion. I don't know why and I can't understand how I have so much energy to put towards it - but I'm always listening to what other people have to say. Whether it's bearing their soul or what they think about this or that I'm actively listening. What I'm feeling right now is something I remember from years ago. I just want someone to listen back. It's not all the time, but I feel so alone. I want someone, even just one person, to give back to me everything I'm giving to them. It's not that I don't want to give anymore. I would be sad if I wasn't giving of myself. And it's not that I don't have conversations with people. I do all the time. But more often than not it's about him or her. And the times that I do talk about myself it seems I get carried away and then I feel terrible afterwards. I don't want to be a burden. And I don't want to be seen as someone who talks about myself all the time. So what's the point.
Anyway, what my mom said yesterday about feeling my pain as I was growing up stuck out to me for some reason. I feel her pain too. I can't explain the connection and mutual understanding that we share. I've been blocking it out so much lately because I didn't want to feel what she's feeling. She doesn't have to react in the ways that she does and let stuff get to her so much, and I shouldn't have to feel it when it isn't even me. But in a weird way I really miss being there for her. And my heart hurts for her so deeply for everything she's going through. Both her parents are gone now. Her brother is literally insane. Her youngest daughter is an expert manipulator and rebel. I am growing away from her. She's just recently learning how to deal with her emotions without resorting to alcohol. Not to mention a divorce is one of the most stressful things that you could ever go through. And she is such a wonderful woman. Seeing her genuinely smiling last night as we were talking completely warmed my heart. She is so beautiful when she smiles. And I resent her so much when she is stressed. Every emotion she feels is contagious. I'm not sure if that's my fault or hers. I guess I do take on a lot of other people's feelings if it's someone I'm close to. God I hate being a person who feels feelings with such passion. I love feelings and I hate them. That is why this is my blessing and my curse.
Listening to people is my passion. I don't know why and I can't understand how I have so much energy to put towards it - but I'm always listening to what other people have to say. Whether it's bearing their soul or what they think about this or that I'm actively listening. What I'm feeling right now is something I remember from years ago. I just want someone to listen back. It's not all the time, but I feel so alone. I want someone, even just one person, to give back to me everything I'm giving to them. It's not that I don't want to give anymore. I would be sad if I wasn't giving of myself. And it's not that I don't have conversations with people. I do all the time. But more often than not it's about him or her. And the times that I do talk about myself it seems I get carried away and then I feel terrible afterwards. I don't want to be a burden. And I don't want to be seen as someone who talks about myself all the time. So what's the point.
Anyway, what my mom said yesterday about feeling my pain as I was growing up stuck out to me for some reason. I feel her pain too. I can't explain the connection and mutual understanding that we share. I've been blocking it out so much lately because I didn't want to feel what she's feeling. She doesn't have to react in the ways that she does and let stuff get to her so much, and I shouldn't have to feel it when it isn't even me. But in a weird way I really miss being there for her. And my heart hurts for her so deeply for everything she's going through. Both her parents are gone now. Her brother is literally insane. Her youngest daughter is an expert manipulator and rebel. I am growing away from her. She's just recently learning how to deal with her emotions without resorting to alcohol. Not to mention a divorce is one of the most stressful things that you could ever go through. And she is such a wonderful woman. Seeing her genuinely smiling last night as we were talking completely warmed my heart. She is so beautiful when she smiles. And I resent her so much when she is stressed. Every emotion she feels is contagious. I'm not sure if that's my fault or hers. I guess I do take on a lot of other people's feelings if it's someone I'm close to. God I hate being a person who feels feelings with such passion. I love feelings and I hate them. That is why this is my blessing and my curse.