(no subject)
today's been eventful.
i had a realization today, which came after i had a frightening moment. so at least the good news came after the scary news.
scary news being when mom called and began her story with "everything's alright....but i had to take gie to the hospital today."
my grandmother...she's the beginning and the end for me. if something happened to her, my world would fucking stop. so hearing that she had to go to the hospital freaked me out a lot. but apparently she's just got a virus...they had to do a lot of tests though. i love mom for informing me, because i'm not around a lot at all this year....but i wish she didn't have to inform me about anything. i want gie to be fine. always.
and this isn't quite as scary but nana is sick too aparently and not doing so hot... it's a whole big ordeal of people that are important being sick and stuff.
i realized something today though. something that i didn't really even think about before today. i was waiting to go try out for christmas cabaret, and looking at the rain. and i was like, "why the hell am i going through this again? why am i joining yet another musical-type thing when i've just barely gotten out of one with my brain still in my head?!" but then it kind of hit me.
i love it. i love performing in these kinds of things. i'm probably destined to live the rest of my life as a member of an ensemble cast, singing the soprano part to some aweosome musical. and at first, i thought that would bother me. but now... now i realize that as long as i get to be a part of it, i don't really care. even if i'm only in one number, or like in TOMMY i spend the entire second act hyperventillating, it doesn't matter. i truly love and derive pure joy from being onstage singing and dancing. i'm not even amazing (yet) but i may be yet, before i graduate. even if i'm never amazing, even if i never sing a solo or get a lead, i love musicals. i love being in them. i love making friends like you do in musicals, i love being able to sing and dance at the same time, i actually get joy from something again.
this may not seem all that huge... but to realize that it's not just "i do it so i have something to do..." it's "i do it because i really really enjoy it"... that's a huge step for me. that's something that i haven't had since like, i discovered ballet. i'm one of the most fulfilled people in the world right now because of that realization.
oh, and because of joe nolin and my conversation that has lasted several hours. i've decided that i am happier every day that i tried out for TOMMY and got in. possibly more now that the show's over, because i have friendships from it, and i have people that i may be friends with for the rest of college, all because we spent 6 weeks cast together in a musical. it's very cool. it's very exciting. it's very much something that i've been waiting for. hoping for. y'know? the idea of the lifelong friend. it's something that i'm proud of being able to hope for now. like, instead of hoping that people would like me...now i can hope that people will be around for a long time.
however, i will not be around because i need to sleeeep!
home in 5 days...very excited. i miss my brother and my parents and of course my friends and gie... i even miss nick which probably isn't good for me. but whatever. he's like a brother now. and that's the way it's gonna stay.
i had a realization today, which came after i had a frightening moment. so at least the good news came after the scary news.
scary news being when mom called and began her story with "everything's alright....but i had to take gie to the hospital today."
my grandmother...she's the beginning and the end for me. if something happened to her, my world would fucking stop. so hearing that she had to go to the hospital freaked me out a lot. but apparently she's just got a virus...they had to do a lot of tests though. i love mom for informing me, because i'm not around a lot at all this year....but i wish she didn't have to inform me about anything. i want gie to be fine. always.
and this isn't quite as scary but nana is sick too aparently and not doing so hot... it's a whole big ordeal of people that are important being sick and stuff.
i realized something today though. something that i didn't really even think about before today. i was waiting to go try out for christmas cabaret, and looking at the rain. and i was like, "why the hell am i going through this again? why am i joining yet another musical-type thing when i've just barely gotten out of one with my brain still in my head?!" but then it kind of hit me.
i love it. i love performing in these kinds of things. i'm probably destined to live the rest of my life as a member of an ensemble cast, singing the soprano part to some aweosome musical. and at first, i thought that would bother me. but now... now i realize that as long as i get to be a part of it, i don't really care. even if i'm only in one number, or like in TOMMY i spend the entire second act hyperventillating, it doesn't matter. i truly love and derive pure joy from being onstage singing and dancing. i'm not even amazing (yet) but i may be yet, before i graduate. even if i'm never amazing, even if i never sing a solo or get a lead, i love musicals. i love being in them. i love making friends like you do in musicals, i love being able to sing and dance at the same time, i actually get joy from something again.
this may not seem all that huge... but to realize that it's not just "i do it so i have something to do..." it's "i do it because i really really enjoy it"... that's a huge step for me. that's something that i haven't had since like, i discovered ballet. i'm one of the most fulfilled people in the world right now because of that realization.
oh, and because of joe nolin and my conversation that has lasted several hours. i've decided that i am happier every day that i tried out for TOMMY and got in. possibly more now that the show's over, because i have friendships from it, and i have people that i may be friends with for the rest of college, all because we spent 6 weeks cast together in a musical. it's very cool. it's very exciting. it's very much something that i've been waiting for. hoping for. y'know? the idea of the lifelong friend. it's something that i'm proud of being able to hope for now. like, instead of hoping that people would like me...now i can hope that people will be around for a long time.
however, i will not be around because i need to sleeeep!
home in 5 days...very excited. i miss my brother and my parents and of course my friends and gie... i even miss nick which probably isn't good for me. but whatever. he's like a brother now. and that's the way it's gonna stay.