I'm just... sad
Drinking sucks. It makes you think of the things you are already thinking of, but magnified. Magnified to a point that you can't control how massive it is. Your brain is like "hey, let's take that speck of something that's bothering you and magnify it to such a HUGE magnitude, that it basically consumes any ration you had left"... whatever was left after consuming alcohol of course.
I miss my friend. Do I miss my friend because he died suddenly without making amends? Do I miss my friend because he was a huge impact on my life and now that inspiration is gone? Do I miss that friend because my love for him was deep because played such a huge impact on my life? Do I miss him simply because he is gone? Or do I miss him because I'm supposed to?
All of the above. I miss him because I miss him. Nothing seems to solve that. I find myself randomly getting choked up at a song lyric, at a moment between myself and another friend, or even because I stopped at a stoplight and it reminded me of that one time we dorked out and made the people in the car next to us laugh.
I miss him. It's the most unsimple simple thing in the world. I've never experienced loss like this.
My father passed away when I was 11, but I only knew him from phone calls, letters, and a few visits every year or two. My grandpa passed away when I was 15, almost 16 and I was so sad. I held his hand as he was about to be let off life support. Another grandpa died last year and I hadn't seen him in about a year, but I was so heartbroken when it came to say goodbye. I've a few acquaintances pass away, probably 15 or more years ago since they passed... but this, this is something I've never felt before. Something I didn't know was possible. Someone that had once been my best friend and my gay lover (that's just a funny story in itself). I had never had someone pass away that I had such a strong connection with. Someone that I was connected SO deeply with, that the moment I heard... I was broken.
I'll never forget that day. At least, I hope I actually do.. not because I'm heartless, but because I can remember the second I felt my heart break. No... the second I felt my soul just crumble to pieces.
A friend that I had met through him sent me a Facebook message that he was in a coma and would be let off life support that day. I didn't know how to respond. I had to think about it, because it hadn't actually quite hit me. I still felt.. the ... wow moment. "OMG, no way.." A few messages were exchanged. I kept getting ready for work, just a little off. The moment I pulled from the on ramp to the highway... WHAM. I got slapped in the face. I cried the whole way to work.
I usually walk the whole floor to say hi to my fellow supervisors, my boss, peers, and everyone I pass.. but that day I snuck in the side door, turned on my computer and quietly sat in my corner. My boss messaged me and asked what was going on, because she noticed I didn't walk by, bubble with hello's... I simply let her know what was going on. At that moment she told me to go home and I quietly snuck out.
After I got home, I followed the play by play on Facebook - another friend I'd met through him was letting a few of us know what was going on. It was time to say goodbye. I was hours, states away.. I didn't know how I was supposed to say goodbye. I texted him a message that I knew he'd never get. I called his mom and left a message that I knew would break her heart. I didn't know what to do. I was lost.
I laid on the couch and cried. Cried. Cried and cried. My cat, who normally doesn't snuggle, let me lay on him, cry and sleep.
I went back to Montana, both for my brothers wedding - and one of my best friends memorials. I had held so much in, that I thought I'd finally have a release once I saw my family. Not that I thought they would understand the severity of the loss, but that they would understand that I had lost a friend.. a close friend (whether or not we were fight at that one time in our 15 year friendship.. the fight no one but us and our closest knew about). The few times I brought it up.. my mom made it about her and losing her system, my aunt. Totally understandable, but I felt so disregarded. This whole time I'd waited to be merely comforted by a hug from my family. I had dealt with this loss for 2 weeks on my own. I was hoping my parents, my family my closest loved ones would each comfort me in their own way. I understand this is ridiculous, but all I wante was a hug saying "Kristi.. are you ok?" Maybe I couldn't answer that question.. maybe I could.. But no one actually asked me. In fact, the few times I brought it up to my mom, she turned it into how she was feeling about my aunt recently passing. Don't get me wrong... that adversely affected me - but Tye overrode thyat for me. He had embedded himself in my life. He was part of my imprint.
It's been 6 months 1 week 2 day and some hours... I still cry with a lyrics, a sound, a memory, or just.. living.
I miss my friend. I've never experienced loss like this. People don't talk about this kind of loss. They keep it to themselves. Or at least people aren't comfortable with this loss. No one has asked me how I am or maybe, not one just realizes I was impacted way over my head. Then again, I've never opened myself up to anyone the way I opened myself up to him. Maybe that's the problem. Or maybe no one knows what to say. Or maybe no one even knows I'm suffering.
I suffer every day. Every single day I think about him. Every single day I get sad when a thought crosses my mind. Not every day is a bad day, but some days are. I don't know how to cope with it and I certainly don't know how to expect anyone else to know how to react to it.
So I just don't talk about it. Simple as that. Sometimes his name slips or I reminisce about a memory. I don't know if it makes people uncomfortable because they know that I'm hurting because of it or I don't know if people even know I'm hurting. Because I do. Daily. Hourly. My heart hurts. My soul has felt like it's leaking and I don't know why.
Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend passes away? Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend you were fighting with and you haven't talked talked to for a year passes away? What is normal? What constitutes as I'm going bat shit crazy? I don't even know.
I don't know because I can't talk about it. It feels like a burden to talk about it with anyone. The only one I feel like I can talk to is his mother, but I feel like poop, because she is hurting so much herself.
Am I crazy? Maybe I'm just ridiculous and need to get past it. I hadn't talked to him in a year, except a drunk text message 6 months prior that I sent, he answered, but I never responded to.. because once I was sober, I was annoyed with myself that I caved and talked to him.
Damn I miss him. His laugh. His ridiculous taste for fashion A) he couldn't afford and B) that was sometimes ugly! haha
I guess it all boils down to.. hell, I don't know what it boils down to. My heart hurts. My head is confused and damn it.. I miss my friend.
I miss my friend. Do I miss my friend because he died suddenly without making amends? Do I miss my friend because he was a huge impact on my life and now that inspiration is gone? Do I miss that friend because my love for him was deep because played such a huge impact on my life? Do I miss him simply because he is gone? Or do I miss him because I'm supposed to?
All of the above. I miss him because I miss him. Nothing seems to solve that. I find myself randomly getting choked up at a song lyric, at a moment between myself and another friend, or even because I stopped at a stoplight and it reminded me of that one time we dorked out and made the people in the car next to us laugh.
I miss him. It's the most unsimple simple thing in the world. I've never experienced loss like this.
My father passed away when I was 11, but I only knew him from phone calls, letters, and a few visits every year or two. My grandpa passed away when I was 15, almost 16 and I was so sad. I held his hand as he was about to be let off life support. Another grandpa died last year and I hadn't seen him in about a year, but I was so heartbroken when it came to say goodbye. I've a few acquaintances pass away, probably 15 or more years ago since they passed... but this, this is something I've never felt before. Something I didn't know was possible. Someone that had once been my best friend and my gay lover (that's just a funny story in itself). I had never had someone pass away that I had such a strong connection with. Someone that I was connected SO deeply with, that the moment I heard... I was broken.
I'll never forget that day. At least, I hope I actually do.. not because I'm heartless, but because I can remember the second I felt my heart break. No... the second I felt my soul just crumble to pieces.
A friend that I had met through him sent me a Facebook message that he was in a coma and would be let off life support that day. I didn't know how to respond. I had to think about it, because it hadn't actually quite hit me. I still felt.. the ... wow moment. "OMG, no way.." A few messages were exchanged. I kept getting ready for work, just a little off. The moment I pulled from the on ramp to the highway... WHAM. I got slapped in the face. I cried the whole way to work.
I usually walk the whole floor to say hi to my fellow supervisors, my boss, peers, and everyone I pass.. but that day I snuck in the side door, turned on my computer and quietly sat in my corner. My boss messaged me and asked what was going on, because she noticed I didn't walk by, bubble with hello's... I simply let her know what was going on. At that moment she told me to go home and I quietly snuck out.
After I got home, I followed the play by play on Facebook - another friend I'd met through him was letting a few of us know what was going on. It was time to say goodbye. I was hours, states away.. I didn't know how I was supposed to say goodbye. I texted him a message that I knew he'd never get. I called his mom and left a message that I knew would break her heart. I didn't know what to do. I was lost.
I laid on the couch and cried. Cried. Cried and cried. My cat, who normally doesn't snuggle, let me lay on him, cry and sleep.
I went back to Montana, both for my brothers wedding - and one of my best friends memorials. I had held so much in, that I thought I'd finally have a release once I saw my family. Not that I thought they would understand the severity of the loss, but that they would understand that I had lost a friend.. a close friend (whether or not we were fight at that one time in our 15 year friendship.. the fight no one but us and our closest knew about). The few times I brought it up.. my mom made it about her and losing her system, my aunt. Totally understandable, but I felt so disregarded. This whole time I'd waited to be merely comforted by a hug from my family. I had dealt with this loss for 2 weeks on my own. I was hoping my parents, my family my closest loved ones would each comfort me in their own way. I understand this is ridiculous, but all I wante was a hug saying "Kristi.. are you ok?" Maybe I couldn't answer that question.. maybe I could.. But no one actually asked me. In fact, the few times I brought it up to my mom, she turned it into how she was feeling about my aunt recently passing. Don't get me wrong... that adversely affected me - but Tye overrode thyat for me. He had embedded himself in my life. He was part of my imprint.
It's been 6 months 1 week 2 day and some hours... I still cry with a lyrics, a sound, a memory, or just.. living.
I miss my friend. I've never experienced loss like this. People don't talk about this kind of loss. They keep it to themselves. Or at least people aren't comfortable with this loss. No one has asked me how I am or maybe, not one just realizes I was impacted way over my head. Then again, I've never opened myself up to anyone the way I opened myself up to him. Maybe that's the problem. Or maybe no one knows what to say. Or maybe no one even knows I'm suffering.
I suffer every day. Every single day I think about him. Every single day I get sad when a thought crosses my mind. Not every day is a bad day, but some days are. I don't know how to cope with it and I certainly don't know how to expect anyone else to know how to react to it.
So I just don't talk about it. Simple as that. Sometimes his name slips or I reminisce about a memory. I don't know if it makes people uncomfortable because they know that I'm hurting because of it or I don't know if people even know I'm hurting. Because I do. Daily. Hourly. My heart hurts. My soul has felt like it's leaking and I don't know why.
Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend passes away? Is it normal for someone to feel like this after a friend you were fighting with and you haven't talked talked to for a year passes away? What is normal? What constitutes as I'm going bat shit crazy? I don't even know.
I don't know because I can't talk about it. It feels like a burden to talk about it with anyone. The only one I feel like I can talk to is his mother, but I feel like poop, because she is hurting so much herself.
Am I crazy? Maybe I'm just ridiculous and need to get past it. I hadn't talked to him in a year, except a drunk text message 6 months prior that I sent, he answered, but I never responded to.. because once I was sober, I was annoyed with myself that I caved and talked to him.
Damn I miss him. His laugh. His ridiculous taste for fashion A) he couldn't afford and B) that was sometimes ugly! haha
I guess it all boils down to.. hell, I don't know what it boils down to. My heart hurts. My head is confused and damn it.. I miss my friend.