(un)happy memorial day dad <3
I have been thinking about my dad so much lately, especially being Memorial weekend and Fathers Day coming up. When I was down in Winona for my nephews birthday I had to opportunity to go to the grave by myself for the first time since he died almost 18 years ago. We always have a car load or two of family that feels like parading around with us and I've just never really had alone time.
So I did just that last Saturday. It stared out just fine, then I couldn't stop myself from crying. Not even crying, sincerely sobbing, and I couldn't stop for almost an hour. There is so much I don't know about him. So much no one ever tells us. I am so deeply saddened and hurt by the fact that I will never know my father.
Don't get me wrong, I feel extremely blessed that I grew up with an amazing dad - but there are always those questions in the back of your mind "I wonder" and "what if's." And that is an extremely crappy way to live.
The entire week since visiting the grave I've noticed I've gotten pretty low and depressed. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I have no one to really talk to and I just feel like a part of me is missing and it can never be filled.
I hurt so much just thinking about him. What a jerk to go and be selfish enough to do all those things when he had 5 kids to live for. I wonder if he even thought that far ahead. I wonder what he was good at and what he thought he was good at, but really sucked. I wonder how he started his business. I wonder what kind of a kid he was. I wonder why the heck he never got his chipped tooth fixed. So much I don't know - but I'd give it all away for a hug from my dad or for the chance to say goodbye and let him know that I have kept his memory alive every second of my life and I've never gone a day where I haven't thought about him.
When I was in Winona last week I saw his brother (my uncle) Richard and he looks and sounds so much like dad that when I saw him I had to excuse myself because I almost started crying in front of everyone.
I don't know how to pull myself out of this rut. I thought going there and getting it all out would help me, but I think it's just pushed me back because this is honestly the closest I've ever lived to my dad.
It breaks my heart knowing that he'll never know what kind of person I am or meet his grandkids or tell me how stupid I am when I get in trouble, or be at some important event in my life.
18 years almost.. 18 freakin' years. That's over half of my life. I'm almost getting to the age he was when he died, and that's just crazy to me. I'm going to outlive my father by so long - and it doesn't even matter. It's not like I have anyone to prove it to.
This is getting to hard to write. God I miss my dad.
p.s. the song I'm listening to fits the mood of this whole situation to a T..
I thought I knew,
but this just doesn't feel right, without you
I tried so hard,
to push away your heart, when I should have let it through.
I miss your voice.
Anything else that I hear is just noise.
Cause you changed my world
I should have seen it (girLl)
but I didn't know
I didn't know, who you were 'til who you were gone
I didn't know
you were so special to me, yah
I didn't know didn't know myself
didn't know all the love i felt for you
so baby please don't go.
I didn't know.
http://blip.tv/file/3696809 - if you want to hear it
or if you'd like to watch the demo (you should!)
So I did just that last Saturday. It stared out just fine, then I couldn't stop myself from crying. Not even crying, sincerely sobbing, and I couldn't stop for almost an hour. There is so much I don't know about him. So much no one ever tells us. I am so deeply saddened and hurt by the fact that I will never know my father.
Don't get me wrong, I feel extremely blessed that I grew up with an amazing dad - but there are always those questions in the back of your mind "I wonder" and "what if's." And that is an extremely crappy way to live.
The entire week since visiting the grave I've noticed I've gotten pretty low and depressed. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I have no one to really talk to and I just feel like a part of me is missing and it can never be filled.
I hurt so much just thinking about him. What a jerk to go and be selfish enough to do all those things when he had 5 kids to live for. I wonder if he even thought that far ahead. I wonder what he was good at and what he thought he was good at, but really sucked. I wonder how he started his business. I wonder what kind of a kid he was. I wonder why the heck he never got his chipped tooth fixed. So much I don't know - but I'd give it all away for a hug from my dad or for the chance to say goodbye and let him know that I have kept his memory alive every second of my life and I've never gone a day where I haven't thought about him.
When I was in Winona last week I saw his brother (my uncle) Richard and he looks and sounds so much like dad that when I saw him I had to excuse myself because I almost started crying in front of everyone.
I don't know how to pull myself out of this rut. I thought going there and getting it all out would help me, but I think it's just pushed me back because this is honestly the closest I've ever lived to my dad.
It breaks my heart knowing that he'll never know what kind of person I am or meet his grandkids or tell me how stupid I am when I get in trouble, or be at some important event in my life.
18 years almost.. 18 freakin' years. That's over half of my life. I'm almost getting to the age he was when he died, and that's just crazy to me. I'm going to outlive my father by so long - and it doesn't even matter. It's not like I have anyone to prove it to.
This is getting to hard to write. God I miss my dad.
p.s. the song I'm listening to fits the mood of this whole situation to a T..
I thought I knew,
but this just doesn't feel right, without you
I tried so hard,
to push away your heart, when I should have let it through.
I miss your voice.
Anything else that I hear is just noise.
Cause you changed my world
I should have seen it (girLl)
but I didn't know
I didn't know, who you were 'til who you were gone
I didn't know
you were so special to me, yah
I didn't know didn't know myself
didn't know all the love i felt for you
so baby please don't go.
I didn't know.
http://blip.tv/file/3696809 - if you want to hear it
or if you'd like to watch the demo (you should!)