Depression Again
So...
November isn't over yet, but I can be sure to tell you that it's already the worst month of the year... So much has been going on, I want to give up. Let's start with roleplay first.
Although I forgot my tumblr password, I still roleplay with whore-jonghyun over aim with my Minho account. On Friday, he dumped Minho. After everything they been through, these past few months, all the promises, he dumped him because he no longer felt the same way towards him anymore. I was so upset. I don't understand how that happened. Why that happened. We promised to always have them together because they worked so hard to be together... Why was the promise broken? Because I wasn't able to go online as often due to school? But I told her. She KNOWS that... She was gone for a few months because her phone couldn't get online and we couldn't talk... It's just so stupid, how promises are broken so easily... How I can so easily not matter to a person anymore.
I lost a friend and a person I trust from that situation. It's as if there's no reason in trying to trust anyone anymore. Talking about losing a friend, I lost a friend, her name is Megan. I knew her since last year, but we only became friends since this semester. She told me everything from our friendship. When her grandma was in the hospital and she cried when I sat outside with her. When she needed an ear, when she needed advice about this guy, when she needed help with school, I always tried to be there. I lost her because, well it was my fault. I made a stupid joke on facebook saying "From now on my study time will only be for my "boyfriend". Good luck on the rest of your exams without me." and tagged a few of my friends. It was a joke... But she was offended. She said I was embarrassing and stuff, and just stopped talking to me... Even if I apologize for it. It upsets me how she's going out of her way to just ignore me. To pretend I don't exist in her life, and my existence never made a difference in her life.
But that's how life is, right? We all lose people, whether we like it or not. They all just end up leaving us and forgetting us. At the end of the day we're all left alone.
My dad wants to commit suicide... He's been having leg problems and now he can barely walk. He said it has to do with his hip bone sitting on his nerves so he's unable to walk. And the pain makes him want to die. Even though he's a failure of a father, I don't want him to die... I don't want to see another person I love die and leave me... Even though he was never really there for me, never available in supporting me whether emotionally or physically, he's still my dad.
I've been getting into a few arguments with my mom and her side of the family. But that's nothing new, it's something that constantly happens and it wouldn't change how I feel about it.
I started liking this guy, he takes care of me and we became really close friends. I told him a few weeks ago, and he rejected me. But we made a promise to always stay friends and we still always see each other and hang out. I talk to him quite often as well.
Hyung doesn't believe our family will come back... I want to tell everyone that we'll be okay one day and one day we'll all come back together, and that the others think about us when they're not busy... But I'm starting to give up hope... I doubt anyone remembers me anymore, nor do they have time to bother leaving a short hi. They're all too busy with their schedule and my existence in their life probably doesn't make a difference anymore. I was just Mao's girlfriend, after all. I didn't do anything significant, why would anyone remember me? There's no reason for them to remember me.
I want to give up... I really do... But I can't... Even if all things are lost, I still have the promises I made and I have hyung, kitty and my body pillow. I bought a body pillow for my shoulder pains as heating packs and ice packs and pain killers aren't working. The doctor said it's nothing, although it's been hurting for more than a month. But I'll keep trying. I will continue to not touch alcohol, because that was my promise, I will strive to live... Even when I want to vanish sometimes.
I met a girl this semester, her name is Maureen, and she keeps me sane. I can call her when I'm lonely and we go out for walks around campus and just talk. She's leaving for Spain soon, to study abroad, and I'm scared of losing another friend. It's scary having so many people walking out of your life... I have to decide what to do with my life soon... I'm graduating college, I don't know if I wanna go to grad school or find a job... I'm confused with life as it is... I'm scared of life... I'm scared of everything... I just want to hide, hide in someone's arms and cry...
November isn't over yet, but I can be sure to tell you that it's already the worst month of the year... So much has been going on, I want to give up. Let's start with roleplay first.
Although I forgot my tumblr password, I still roleplay with whore-jonghyun over aim with my Minho account. On Friday, he dumped Minho. After everything they been through, these past few months, all the promises, he dumped him because he no longer felt the same way towards him anymore. I was so upset. I don't understand how that happened. Why that happened. We promised to always have them together because they worked so hard to be together... Why was the promise broken? Because I wasn't able to go online as often due to school? But I told her. She KNOWS that... She was gone for a few months because her phone couldn't get online and we couldn't talk... It's just so stupid, how promises are broken so easily... How I can so easily not matter to a person anymore.
I lost a friend and a person I trust from that situation. It's as if there's no reason in trying to trust anyone anymore. Talking about losing a friend, I lost a friend, her name is Megan. I knew her since last year, but we only became friends since this semester. She told me everything from our friendship. When her grandma was in the hospital and she cried when I sat outside with her. When she needed an ear, when she needed advice about this guy, when she needed help with school, I always tried to be there. I lost her because, well it was my fault. I made a stupid joke on facebook saying "From now on my study time will only be for my "boyfriend". Good luck on the rest of your exams without me." and tagged a few of my friends. It was a joke... But she was offended. She said I was embarrassing and stuff, and just stopped talking to me... Even if I apologize for it. It upsets me how she's going out of her way to just ignore me. To pretend I don't exist in her life, and my existence never made a difference in her life.
But that's how life is, right? We all lose people, whether we like it or not. They all just end up leaving us and forgetting us. At the end of the day we're all left alone.
My dad wants to commit suicide... He's been having leg problems and now he can barely walk. He said it has to do with his hip bone sitting on his nerves so he's unable to walk. And the pain makes him want to die. Even though he's a failure of a father, I don't want him to die... I don't want to see another person I love die and leave me... Even though he was never really there for me, never available in supporting me whether emotionally or physically, he's still my dad.
I've been getting into a few arguments with my mom and her side of the family. But that's nothing new, it's something that constantly happens and it wouldn't change how I feel about it.
I started liking this guy, he takes care of me and we became really close friends. I told him a few weeks ago, and he rejected me. But we made a promise to always stay friends and we still always see each other and hang out. I talk to him quite often as well.
Hyung doesn't believe our family will come back... I want to tell everyone that we'll be okay one day and one day we'll all come back together, and that the others think about us when they're not busy... But I'm starting to give up hope... I doubt anyone remembers me anymore, nor do they have time to bother leaving a short hi. They're all too busy with their schedule and my existence in their life probably doesn't make a difference anymore. I was just Mao's girlfriend, after all. I didn't do anything significant, why would anyone remember me? There's no reason for them to remember me.
I want to give up... I really do... But I can't... Even if all things are lost, I still have the promises I made and I have hyung, kitty and my body pillow. I bought a body pillow for my shoulder pains as heating packs and ice packs and pain killers aren't working. The doctor said it's nothing, although it's been hurting for more than a month. But I'll keep trying. I will continue to not touch alcohol, because that was my promise, I will strive to live... Even when I want to vanish sometimes.
I met a girl this semester, her name is Maureen, and she keeps me sane. I can call her when I'm lonely and we go out for walks around campus and just talk. She's leaving for Spain soon, to study abroad, and I'm scared of losing another friend. It's scary having so many people walking out of your life... I have to decide what to do with my life soon... I'm graduating college, I don't know if I wanna go to grad school or find a job... I'm confused with life as it is... I'm scared of life... I'm scared of everything... I just want to hide, hide in someone's arms and cry...