My Dramatic Life
I'm 20 years old, and had my share in drama. I'm not one of those kids with cancer, not one of those kids that are in an orphanage but to me, I think my life is dramatic enough. I'm making this posting because a friend asked me recently, what kind of person I think I am. And hopefully after you read this, you'll get a small glimpse of what I am.
There's a part of my childhood that no matter how much I try to remember, it doesn't come. My childhood wasn't best, but it wasn't the worst either. I have a small glimpse of memory of when dishes were shattered and there was a physical fight between my parents but that's mostly it. Most of my memory begins when I'm a preteen in junior high. When I entered junior high, my parents have just divorced. To a child, that's the most devastating memory. I remember because of that, I stopped talking to people and closed myself up. I frequently threw tantrums and I even stole money from my parents to get their attention. I got their attention indeed by getting belt whips and hanger marks all over my body.
I became a sadist, in my head, to get my parents attention, I had to get hit, I needed the punishment or else they'll never pay attention to me. My sister was the loved one because she always did the chores nicely and my brother being the youngest boy in the family got spoiled left and right. Me? I was just a bad kid that deserved punishment all the time. I hated it. I hated living with my mom, the looks I received from her family made me disgusted with myself. Because I was the child of my father, they hated me, and I hated that. I never wanted to choose a father like that did I? But I never once disrespected him either.
When I took a specialized exam for high school, I missed by a couple of points to them. My grandma, from my mother's side, said to me the phrase "why are you so dumb? Don't tell others you're related to me". And after that, I fell deeper into depression, I started being treated like I was crazy, and so I was send to a psychologist. She was a therapist, and she listened to me talk. At least that's what she was paid for. Every time I went, I preferred drawing or playing Connect Four instead of fully talking. I was quiet no matter how she wanted and try to make me talk.
When I was getting a bit better, high school began. Because I didn't make it into a specialized high school, I went into a pretty bad school in Manhattan. I had a fight with my mom right before school started. She wouldn't listen to me, and I felt she didn't care, that no one cared and I hated it. She kicked me out and send me to live with my dad and grandparents, and that was also the day I said bye to Eva, my therapist. When I lived with my dad, unlike my mom's parents, his parents treated me like their beloved granddaughter. I'm the eldest in the family out of all their grandkids, and I was important to them. I felt loved for the first time in years.
But I was scared still. I was scared of my father. The nights he'll come home drunk and come into my room to talk to me. It made me shiver and shake, even now when I think about it. His eyes were so scary, and I was just scared and wished someone would save me. My grandpa did try once and my dad said to him "if I can't play with her, you can't either" and my grandpa was disgusted and pulled me away.
And then I began high school. I was the only Chinese around in a school full of African Americans and Hispanics. Everyday I went to school clutching my bookbag and shaking. I would get shoved around, pinched, pushed, and called things. I went home everyday with bruises but I kept quiet. I felt like if I was to fit in, I needed these punishments. It was because I was an outcast. I wasn't accepted anywhere, like family like school. My bruises started to show and my aunt realized them and told my mom. My mom called the school and scheduled a conference.
During the conference, the bullies glared at me and gave me death looks. They promised to never pick on me again, but I know deep down they thought I ratted them out. I was scared, and so I applied to change high schools. Even though the principal was begging for me to stay because of my grades, I was frightened there and I had to leave. A couple of months into high school, my grandma had to go to China so I was send back to my mom. When I was there, I was the same as I always was, quiet, reserved and I wouldn't say anything, not even a smile.
My transfer was approved, it was to a pretty good high school in Brooklyn. When I transferred, I saw people my race, my color, and they spoke my language. Even though I was America born, I always had an accent because of the way I was raised, but in the school, they accepted it. I wasn't laughed at, nor made fun of, I was their friend, Joanne. I had friends, and teammates, and I felt accepted. My first year in that school, I met my first boyfriend. We had chemistry class together and he was just someone that sat in front of me.
Our relationship began because of an accident. I phrased stuff differently and he thought I asked him out, but we dated nonetheless. Our relationship lasted for almost 3 years, till the beginning of college, until I broke up with him. He came from a rich family, full of wealth and bought be whatever I wanted, but there was no love. It was just sex and sex and more sex. We never even went on a date, unless you say hanging out with friends was dating. After the break up, because of him, and another incident, all my high school friends left me.
I had no more friends again, and I was alone in college. The incident had to do with another girl, who wanted to be friends with my guy best friend. They hung out together all the time, it wasn't that I minded, but when I was back for break, he ignored me for her. And I told him it wasn't fair. The whole thing became a mess, and she became the victim because I was a bitch that wouldn't share. Yea, I was the bitch for breaking my ex's heart and for fucking up a girl.
This brings us to a year ago. Because of the drama, my grades slipped. I stopped going to classes to avoid all those old high school friends, and I started to withdraw again. But the withdrawal really hit when my sister told me something. That night, my sister called me, she usually doesn't like calling and would usually just tell me online but she did so I knew it was serious. She told me "Joanne, dad might not be your biological father. Mom said you and Kevin aren't dad's and might be a guy she had a fling with when she was with dad." At that moment, not only did my life fall apart. My family was all from my dad's side, they spoiled me and loved me, I felt like I belonged.
To be told that my mom cheated not only broke my belief in love even more but broke my world as I had no one now. I was all alone again. I don't even know my biological father. But like my sister told me to, I pretend I didn't know, I pretend I didn't exist. And that's when I started escaping reality. I started reading fanfics and on a certain fanfic site I used, I met two girls, Mai and Rachel. They were both my really good friends and don't talk to me anymore. But I still see them as people I cherish.
Mai was the one that set up my Minho account. On it, I escaped reality. I was who I wanted to be, and I was everyone's friends. My passed didn't bother me cause no one had to know. I was happy. And then I met him, my boyfriend. At that time though he was my appa, father in Korean, I knew him as a Kibum not as a incredibly handsome and perfect guy I know now. Unlike my real dad, he really held me through everything. Through my first break up where I got dumped because of my lack in sexual intercourse, through my second break up where I got dumped because I just wasn't good enough. I secretly had a crush on him since I met him, but in the back of my mind I was never good enough. But we finally got courage to tell each other we loved each other, and we started anew.
And it leads us to now. Me and my boyfriend, have been together for over four months. We're happy together and we have a connection that others wish to have but don't. We live an ocean away from each other. And I admit, after meeting him, I opened up more, not just in roleplay but in real life. I started getting closer to my mom's side, and I became great friends with my grandpa. I don't regret letting him open me because I made lots of good memories with my grandpa. Eighteen days ago, my grandpa died.
He died, and I was devastated, but soon my boyfriend will leave me too. ever since we've been together, he's been sick. He has an immune disease, and this infection is taking him away. He fought through this disease for four months now, and it hurts but he's going to leave me. He taught me so much, and saved me from my dark past, and I'm shaking typing this now. I love him so much and I regret. I regret not confessing from the beginning. I regret being scared and I regret wasting so much time.
He means so much to me, but now all I can do is pray and ask why. I don't have anything else I can do, because someone that's so important to me is leaving me soon. It hurts. Because of him, I met great friends that will always be with me. Because of him, I believed in love again. Because of him I'm not alone anymore. Because of him I am who I am now. And once he leaves, my soul and my heart will leave with him. Because they're connected, without Hamao there won't be Chor Yan. The Chor Yan he loves, the Chor Yan that's important to him. There will only be Joanne, the Joanne with the dark past, and the Joanne that's alone.
I don't want him to leave, I really don't. But all I can do is pray, pray that a miracle happens. And if it doesn't, I can only turn to the friends that I made because of him for help. To help me remember the good memories I have him, to remember everything important about him, why I fell in love with him and why I am who I am. And until his final breath is taken, I'll keep waiting and hoping even if all his hopeless, that something up there can hear my prayers and begs, and when he takes his final breath. I swear to live every breath of mine remembering him. I won't look for someone else, because no one else will be like him to me.
Even when he knew of my past, he stuck through with me. He loved me and cherished me like a treasure. I was pure to him although in everyone else's eyes I'm tainted. I turned 20 two days ago, and out of my 20 years of life, the past year I spend with him was the best I ever had. Even though we only dated for four months, we knew each other for almost a year, and everything we've been through and done will be remembered. And until I take my last breath and go to meet him where we'll finally be able to hold each other and kiss each other, I promise to live the life he wants me to live.
I'll start doing better in school. I'll rely on my friends, and I'll grow old remembering everything he taught me, remembering all our memories together and remembering everything he's done. He'll always be my first love, boyfriend, fiance, and husband. He'll always have my heart and soul, whether or not he makes me through and no matter where he is. He, Hamao Nakamaru, will always be my love.
I love you Hamao Nakamaru, always and forever, no matter what happens. I promise, I swear. Thank you for teaching me all that you have, and for introducing to all those great friends. Hyung, Aniki, Ruito-san, Ki, Hika-san, Jiroh-san, Sai, they'll always be my friends, and even if we won't talk everyday, we'll never grow distant, because of you we formed a strong bond that will never end. Thank you baby for saving me. Thank you for fighting with me, you'll always be the strongest I've ever met. I'll always remember everything, and keep my promises to you. I love you, I love you so much.
There's a part of my childhood that no matter how much I try to remember, it doesn't come. My childhood wasn't best, but it wasn't the worst either. I have a small glimpse of memory of when dishes were shattered and there was a physical fight between my parents but that's mostly it. Most of my memory begins when I'm a preteen in junior high. When I entered junior high, my parents have just divorced. To a child, that's the most devastating memory. I remember because of that, I stopped talking to people and closed myself up. I frequently threw tantrums and I even stole money from my parents to get their attention. I got their attention indeed by getting belt whips and hanger marks all over my body.
I became a sadist, in my head, to get my parents attention, I had to get hit, I needed the punishment or else they'll never pay attention to me. My sister was the loved one because she always did the chores nicely and my brother being the youngest boy in the family got spoiled left and right. Me? I was just a bad kid that deserved punishment all the time. I hated it. I hated living with my mom, the looks I received from her family made me disgusted with myself. Because I was the child of my father, they hated me, and I hated that. I never wanted to choose a father like that did I? But I never once disrespected him either.
When I took a specialized exam for high school, I missed by a couple of points to them. My grandma, from my mother's side, said to me the phrase "why are you so dumb? Don't tell others you're related to me". And after that, I fell deeper into depression, I started being treated like I was crazy, and so I was send to a psychologist. She was a therapist, and she listened to me talk. At least that's what she was paid for. Every time I went, I preferred drawing or playing Connect Four instead of fully talking. I was quiet no matter how she wanted and try to make me talk.
When I was getting a bit better, high school began. Because I didn't make it into a specialized high school, I went into a pretty bad school in Manhattan. I had a fight with my mom right before school started. She wouldn't listen to me, and I felt she didn't care, that no one cared and I hated it. She kicked me out and send me to live with my dad and grandparents, and that was also the day I said bye to Eva, my therapist. When I lived with my dad, unlike my mom's parents, his parents treated me like their beloved granddaughter. I'm the eldest in the family out of all their grandkids, and I was important to them. I felt loved for the first time in years.
But I was scared still. I was scared of my father. The nights he'll come home drunk and come into my room to talk to me. It made me shiver and shake, even now when I think about it. His eyes were so scary, and I was just scared and wished someone would save me. My grandpa did try once and my dad said to him "if I can't play with her, you can't either" and my grandpa was disgusted and pulled me away.
And then I began high school. I was the only Chinese around in a school full of African Americans and Hispanics. Everyday I went to school clutching my bookbag and shaking. I would get shoved around, pinched, pushed, and called things. I went home everyday with bruises but I kept quiet. I felt like if I was to fit in, I needed these punishments. It was because I was an outcast. I wasn't accepted anywhere, like family like school. My bruises started to show and my aunt realized them and told my mom. My mom called the school and scheduled a conference.
During the conference, the bullies glared at me and gave me death looks. They promised to never pick on me again, but I know deep down they thought I ratted them out. I was scared, and so I applied to change high schools. Even though the principal was begging for me to stay because of my grades, I was frightened there and I had to leave. A couple of months into high school, my grandma had to go to China so I was send back to my mom. When I was there, I was the same as I always was, quiet, reserved and I wouldn't say anything, not even a smile.
My transfer was approved, it was to a pretty good high school in Brooklyn. When I transferred, I saw people my race, my color, and they spoke my language. Even though I was America born, I always had an accent because of the way I was raised, but in the school, they accepted it. I wasn't laughed at, nor made fun of, I was their friend, Joanne. I had friends, and teammates, and I felt accepted. My first year in that school, I met my first boyfriend. We had chemistry class together and he was just someone that sat in front of me.
Our relationship began because of an accident. I phrased stuff differently and he thought I asked him out, but we dated nonetheless. Our relationship lasted for almost 3 years, till the beginning of college, until I broke up with him. He came from a rich family, full of wealth and bought be whatever I wanted, but there was no love. It was just sex and sex and more sex. We never even went on a date, unless you say hanging out with friends was dating. After the break up, because of him, and another incident, all my high school friends left me.
I had no more friends again, and I was alone in college. The incident had to do with another girl, who wanted to be friends with my guy best friend. They hung out together all the time, it wasn't that I minded, but when I was back for break, he ignored me for her. And I told him it wasn't fair. The whole thing became a mess, and she became the victim because I was a bitch that wouldn't share. Yea, I was the bitch for breaking my ex's heart and for fucking up a girl.
This brings us to a year ago. Because of the drama, my grades slipped. I stopped going to classes to avoid all those old high school friends, and I started to withdraw again. But the withdrawal really hit when my sister told me something. That night, my sister called me, she usually doesn't like calling and would usually just tell me online but she did so I knew it was serious. She told me "Joanne, dad might not be your biological father. Mom said you and Kevin aren't dad's and might be a guy she had a fling with when she was with dad." At that moment, not only did my life fall apart. My family was all from my dad's side, they spoiled me and loved me, I felt like I belonged.
To be told that my mom cheated not only broke my belief in love even more but broke my world as I had no one now. I was all alone again. I don't even know my biological father. But like my sister told me to, I pretend I didn't know, I pretend I didn't exist. And that's when I started escaping reality. I started reading fanfics and on a certain fanfic site I used, I met two girls, Mai and Rachel. They were both my really good friends and don't talk to me anymore. But I still see them as people I cherish.
Mai was the one that set up my Minho account. On it, I escaped reality. I was who I wanted to be, and I was everyone's friends. My passed didn't bother me cause no one had to know. I was happy. And then I met him, my boyfriend. At that time though he was my appa, father in Korean, I knew him as a Kibum not as a incredibly handsome and perfect guy I know now. Unlike my real dad, he really held me through everything. Through my first break up where I got dumped because of my lack in sexual intercourse, through my second break up where I got dumped because I just wasn't good enough. I secretly had a crush on him since I met him, but in the back of my mind I was never good enough. But we finally got courage to tell each other we loved each other, and we started anew.
And it leads us to now. Me and my boyfriend, have been together for over four months. We're happy together and we have a connection that others wish to have but don't. We live an ocean away from each other. And I admit, after meeting him, I opened up more, not just in roleplay but in real life. I started getting closer to my mom's side, and I became great friends with my grandpa. I don't regret letting him open me because I made lots of good memories with my grandpa. Eighteen days ago, my grandpa died.
He died, and I was devastated, but soon my boyfriend will leave me too. ever since we've been together, he's been sick. He has an immune disease, and this infection is taking him away. He fought through this disease for four months now, and it hurts but he's going to leave me. He taught me so much, and saved me from my dark past, and I'm shaking typing this now. I love him so much and I regret. I regret not confessing from the beginning. I regret being scared and I regret wasting so much time.
He means so much to me, but now all I can do is pray and ask why. I don't have anything else I can do, because someone that's so important to me is leaving me soon. It hurts. Because of him, I met great friends that will always be with me. Because of him, I believed in love again. Because of him I'm not alone anymore. Because of him I am who I am now. And once he leaves, my soul and my heart will leave with him. Because they're connected, without Hamao there won't be Chor Yan. The Chor Yan he loves, the Chor Yan that's important to him. There will only be Joanne, the Joanne with the dark past, and the Joanne that's alone.
I don't want him to leave, I really don't. But all I can do is pray, pray that a miracle happens. And if it doesn't, I can only turn to the friends that I made because of him for help. To help me remember the good memories I have him, to remember everything important about him, why I fell in love with him and why I am who I am. And until his final breath is taken, I'll keep waiting and hoping even if all his hopeless, that something up there can hear my prayers and begs, and when he takes his final breath. I swear to live every breath of mine remembering him. I won't look for someone else, because no one else will be like him to me.
Even when he knew of my past, he stuck through with me. He loved me and cherished me like a treasure. I was pure to him although in everyone else's eyes I'm tainted. I turned 20 two days ago, and out of my 20 years of life, the past year I spend with him was the best I ever had. Even though we only dated for four months, we knew each other for almost a year, and everything we've been through and done will be remembered. And until I take my last breath and go to meet him where we'll finally be able to hold each other and kiss each other, I promise to live the life he wants me to live.
I'll start doing better in school. I'll rely on my friends, and I'll grow old remembering everything he taught me, remembering all our memories together and remembering everything he's done. He'll always be my first love, boyfriend, fiance, and husband. He'll always have my heart and soul, whether or not he makes me through and no matter where he is. He, Hamao Nakamaru, will always be my love.
I love you Hamao Nakamaru, always and forever, no matter what happens. I promise, I swear. Thank you for teaching me all that you have, and for introducing to all those great friends. Hyung, Aniki, Ruito-san, Ki, Hika-san, Jiroh-san, Sai, they'll always be my friends, and even if we won't talk everyday, we'll never grow distant, because of you we formed a strong bond that will never end. Thank you baby for saving me. Thank you for fighting with me, you'll always be the strongest I've ever met. I'll always remember everything, and keep my promises to you. I love you, I love you so much.