Why?
Today, I woke up with an uneasy feeling, and when I checked my phone, I quickly went and checked facebook. The time has came, he's really going to leave soon. No matter how much I don't want to admit it, how much I hate this fact, it finally hit me. I hate that life is so unfair. I hate that everything I had in my stupid fantasy will never come true. It hurts, so much. I cried all day today, but I tried not to cry when playing games with hyung, Jenn and Ray, and when Ray's friend was over. Ray's friend doesn't know anything. After I read the message earlier, I broke down. I felt my heart crack, and I just cried. When she saw me, she started crying too, and the guilt killed me. That's one of the reasons I don't tell her anything. She easily cries, and it guilts me when she cries. I feel it's my fault, so I just packed up everything and left her room. She came later at night to my dorm. When she came I wiped tears and changed the topic with hyung.
The message, was so sad and depressing. I love him, so much, so much it hurts to know he's going to leave me soon. I wished they broke the news to me earlier. Not the day after my birthday so I could have a happy birthday and then wake up to that message. Maybe my superstition is right after all, whenever I get sick on a holiday, I get bad news right away. It hurts, to know he's really going to die, and no matter how much I pray to my grandpa and God and ask them to save him, it won't work. He's getting tired and his friend thinks he won't have much time left, nothing but a couple of days, and he doesn't think he'll last till May. He doesn't want me to go to England.
I'm lonely here though, that's one of the reasons why I wanna go to England. Even though he's going to be cremated and brought to Japan, even if I will never be able to see him in my life, never be able to hold his hand, never be able to hug him, never be able to kiss him, I want to go. Because if I'm there, I can at least have hyung. Even though everyone else will go back to Japan, and we'll seldom talk, I can have hyung to hold me. None of my "friends" here know what I'm going through. And knowing my grandpa just left, and now my loved one is going to leave soon, I just want to give up.
I was never strong, even though they all thought I was. I'm a weakling, I easily cry and tear. It's hard knowing the person that I'm connected to is really going to leave me soon. I begged to whatever is up there today. I cried and begged. I asked why it was so unfair, why miracles didn't exist. I kept asking and begging, begging for a miracle. Even though I said goodbye, even though I know he was going to leave me soon, I didn't want to accept it. It hurts so much. But what else can I do? I folded the 1000 cranes, I prayed every night, I told my grandpa to protect him. I just wish and hope, even when it was all hopeless.
I love him, I don't wanna let him go. But I have to. I can't stop him from going. And once he leaves, I won't be able to see him anymore. No more putting Joanne to sleep, no more making Joanne spazz, no more spamming Joanne, no more holding Joanne, everything will disappear. Like he leaves, my heart and soul will leave with him. The person that saved me when everything was hopeless, the person that showed me what was love when I stopped believing in it. I won't ever be able to find someone like him.
He means everything to me, more than the world, more than the universe, and when he leaves, everything will leave with him. And I don't want that. I'm selfish, I want to be with him, like the fairytales, happily ever after. Why would they make up these things when they don't happen? Aren't good people supposed to get good rewards? Aren't good people supposed to live long and healthy lives? Why do the bad people get those things but not good people? Why? Why is it when he's finally happy you decide to take him away? Why is this so unfair? I want to yell at whatever is up there for being so unfair. I want to just give up and leave with him. But if I do I'll hurt everyone around me... But I can't... I'm lost... I'm tired... I don't wanna try anymore... Don't leave me... Don't go... Why?
The message, was so sad and depressing. I love him, so much, so much it hurts to know he's going to leave me soon. I wished they broke the news to me earlier. Not the day after my birthday so I could have a happy birthday and then wake up to that message. Maybe my superstition is right after all, whenever I get sick on a holiday, I get bad news right away. It hurts, to know he's really going to die, and no matter how much I pray to my grandpa and God and ask them to save him, it won't work. He's getting tired and his friend thinks he won't have much time left, nothing but a couple of days, and he doesn't think he'll last till May. He doesn't want me to go to England.
I'm lonely here though, that's one of the reasons why I wanna go to England. Even though he's going to be cremated and brought to Japan, even if I will never be able to see him in my life, never be able to hold his hand, never be able to hug him, never be able to kiss him, I want to go. Because if I'm there, I can at least have hyung. Even though everyone else will go back to Japan, and we'll seldom talk, I can have hyung to hold me. None of my "friends" here know what I'm going through. And knowing my grandpa just left, and now my loved one is going to leave soon, I just want to give up.
I was never strong, even though they all thought I was. I'm a weakling, I easily cry and tear. It's hard knowing the person that I'm connected to is really going to leave me soon. I begged to whatever is up there today. I cried and begged. I asked why it was so unfair, why miracles didn't exist. I kept asking and begging, begging for a miracle. Even though I said goodbye, even though I know he was going to leave me soon, I didn't want to accept it. It hurts so much. But what else can I do? I folded the 1000 cranes, I prayed every night, I told my grandpa to protect him. I just wish and hope, even when it was all hopeless.
I love him, I don't wanna let him go. But I have to. I can't stop him from going. And once he leaves, I won't be able to see him anymore. No more putting Joanne to sleep, no more making Joanne spazz, no more spamming Joanne, no more holding Joanne, everything will disappear. Like he leaves, my heart and soul will leave with him. The person that saved me when everything was hopeless, the person that showed me what was love when I stopped believing in it. I won't ever be able to find someone like him.
He means everything to me, more than the world, more than the universe, and when he leaves, everything will leave with him. And I don't want that. I'm selfish, I want to be with him, like the fairytales, happily ever after. Why would they make up these things when they don't happen? Aren't good people supposed to get good rewards? Aren't good people supposed to live long and healthy lives? Why do the bad people get those things but not good people? Why? Why is it when he's finally happy you decide to take him away? Why is this so unfair? I want to yell at whatever is up there for being so unfair. I want to just give up and leave with him. But if I do I'll hurt everyone around me... But I can't... I'm lost... I'm tired... I don't wanna try anymore... Don't leave me... Don't go... Why?