sorry for mia was depressed

[uglyfatty1]

ok well long story short I had invited people from grad school class (via email) to my bday outing downtown one said she'd let me know if she could make it then didn't hear from her. then another girl said she'd come. I was high high anxiety that day. I considered calling her and telling her it was canceled because I didn't feel well mostly bc I was worried that no one else had said they'd come. finally the other girl called and said she'd come, and the rest were my housemate and my boyfriends friends. so I decided to keep it on and not cancel with the other girl from class although I was soooo terrified about the mixing of these two and my bf's friends, and just that people wouldn't have fun and then think I am a loser and never want anything to do with me again. so we went to the first bar and it was sorta dead (really rainy night) but everyone paid a 5 buck cover. so we drank. I let myself drink beer (since it was my birthday) and then people bought me beer and a shot... all on a pretty empty tummy mind you. anyway we left there and I was already drunk. I felt so bad that people had to pay a cover to get into a place for me a person they don't know or care that much about only to go to another place and pay another 5 dollar cover and that place was dead too. it sucked. I felt so embarrassed. I didn't want people to pretend they were my friends anymore. I felt bad. I wanted to tell them to save their money and go home because I figured thats where they wanted to be. but I didn't want to make a scene so I didn't say anything. I cried at the bar by myself because I hated myself and I felt both thankful to and sorry for the people who had come for my birthday. I bought all the girls drinks to show my apologies and to make the trip somewhat worth their while. Then one girl had to go (she had told me earlier that she would have to leave early). later things picked up it got crowded and we had fun dancing I was obliterated. anyway dropped everyone off. My BF said something criticizing the way I had been loud in the cab and then something else , I can't even remember, and in one impulsive uninhibited drunk moment I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I think I wanted to stan myself in the chest and just stop feeling the emotional pain. my bf ran in threw it to the ground and started yelling. I realized I had created a scene I was embarrassed. I felt like a burden because of my mental illness. I cried and cried on my housemates shoulder. I told her this was never going to end for me and that I just want to be dead so I never have to be a burden to anyone ever again. I know she was comforting, but I don't rememeber much. I felt like a burden for being born, for being something both my parents wanted and only one could have after they divorced, I felt like a burden for eating food and costing money in anyway as a child, I felt like my existance caused everyone problems, and now here I am as an adult and still feeling that way...

anyway. felt a bit better depression wise this weekend, although anxiety is sky high but seems manageable if I keep taking ativan.... and I keep thinking what kind of life is this? back and forth back and forth. I am so lucky that my boyfriend and housemate are so understanding and accepting. Is it wrong to want more?