hate myself
I don't have much to say. I haven't writen a lot lately cause I am really depressed. I purged 3 times today, and one time was in a public bathroom with stalls... no one was in there, but I can't believe I took that chance. whatever I don't have much to say, I've been depressed. apparantly after 7 years of secrecy I have finally officially bee diagnosed with an eating disorder. I don't know what, I am assuming Ed-NOS since I don't meet the critera of ana or mia, she just said "your eating disorder", I've never heard anyone say it alloud before. It scares me that someone knows. I told her I didn't want my insurance company to know. she said they didn't have to, but she wants me to get my electrolytes checked. I told her I was scared that my primary care would know. She was sorta cool. she told me to tell her I've been dieting and that I want to check my blood levels to make sure I am being healthy. I told her I already knew they would come back messed up because I take my vitals everyday at school and I know that my BP is really low. Every partner I have for lab tells me I'm "so skinny" I'm like how can they say that, I think they say that just because they see my hipbones stick out pretty far. I am mid range for my height on BMI... I guess thats because americans are just fatter in general. I keep looking at my wrists. They are so pale. I can see all my blood vessels, I think about how I could do it without being afraid. but I also think about my boyfriend. I think about how bad it would be for him to have to feel helpless because of me. I think about my family. I think to myself sometimes that even in my own suicidal thoughts I think more about how it would effect others than how it would feel for me. I wish I just wouldn't exist. then I wouldn't have to worry. trust me I am not looking for sympathy, and I know I have a lot of kind hearted people who read my journal. I am not going to do anything. I haven't since I started feeling this way 7 years ago. I am just so tired of it. I am tired of hurting and feeling alone, and I am tired of my own bullshit. My birthday is sunday. I wish I didn't have to face the fact that I have no friends...