hmmm

[typikalblonde]

yesturday sucked, then got better, last night it got worse, and then it got better.. and through all of this shit, i can defenitely say I have fallen too fucking hard for this kid. i read his journal.. made me realize a bunch of things... not bad things, well some, but mostly good. i feel soo bad for doing it. but i mean, come on he reads this

Comments

[typikalgeek]

This has nothing to do with this post but i must confide to you. My head has really been fucked up lately. There are few things that as my best friend you should know. Don't freak out about them i will be ok.

I love my little brother i would give my life so he could have a normal one. In fact i wish that i could do just that. I love my parents but to see them this way kills me on the inside and kills my image of a perfect relationship. I'm scared of commitment because i don't know if i could survive being killed again. I think about suicide everyday. Every single day it has been this way since i was 14 there are only a few people that keep me from doing it. Devin, parents you and mark and Gma. sometimes i wish that i was just poor so that i could be away from this place. sometimes i wish that i was someone else somewhere else. Many times a day i want to bash my head against a wall to kill the thoughts in my head. I love to feel pain because its the only time i feel real. Feeling real for me only lasts until the pain goes away. I wish I could just cut myself but i refuse to do it anymore. I used to carve into my arm from the ages of 13 to 16. I wish i could do all the drugs in the world but i know that i would lose my job and the one thing i wish i could do is to tell you everything about my life but i have buried some of the worst parts so deep that i cant even remember the whole story.

i love you like a sister.

[typikalblonde]

Derrek i know this.. and I love you too!.. Dont let this stupid shit get you down this bad... Life sucks, straight up! My life still sucks even though im down here.. im just lucky to have my life suck in such a great atmospher. Granted it does make my life feel better, but its not a cure. You need to face the facts of your personal life and deal with them. You need to make personal notes to yourself and change what it is you dislike about yourself!!... Derrek after the past couple of months I have realized that I need to change for the better.. i feel like i've been stuck in this body that belongs to a little girl, a girl who is still stuck on the past. A girl that is confused, depressed and doesnt really know what her next move is... and thats why I've been soo fucking depressed lately, but then i realized, Im in college, i need to start worrying about my future and that is it. as so do u... you have a job already, thats the one thing you need to be focusing on. You also need to go party more, you know thats a cure for everything! Derrek I love you, and i wish i could see you every day, just like it was when i lived back home, but i can't. I wish I could talk to you all the time, but I can't, and that i appologize for. However thats never going to change our friendship! and if you kill yourself, then I'm guna have to, then where will we be?! we'd be shit outta luck!!!!.. either way.. you need to hold your chin up! Realize that you do have friends, your not a loser or ugly!!! you've gotten laid more times than The Ladies Man ever would've.... ha!
and thats not because your "cool".. your adorable! you have a sweet ass car, you live alone, you have a Digital SLR Canon Rebel XT,... and u have a huge penis, what more could u ask for?!
you just need to focus on the positive things right now. You need to realize how lucky you are that you, YOURSELF bought those things, because you earned it!!! i wish i could say the same... but i cant!
Anyways, i gotta finish my homework!.. i love u too!
have a wonderful evening!